Lost the love of my life and best friend.

[brokenheartedandlost]

G’day,

Ive looked at beyondblue in the past but never thought I’d have to post something on here. I’m a bit lost and am just trying to find someways to help me get through life at the moment.

I’ve been with my wife for the last 13 years(since I was 21 and she was 19) and married for the 8 of them. We have always been great friends as well as partners and said what made us great was we were a team, getting through everything together.

We have both had a tough time in the last year. My wife especially has been very depressed(undiagnosed)the last 10-12 months. Last year my wife’s family friend killed himself. A week later my best friends sister died randomly in her sleep from an undiagnosed rare heart condition. A month later her pop died. Then 2 days before Xmas my shooting coach passed away. Then her grandma left us a few months back and 2 weeks ago my father in laws best friend died.

She also left her job as a manager of a cafe. To get out of that industry, she is opening her own business tending gardens for people.

she’s always had a drinking problem, her whole family are heavy drinkers and it’s how she’s grown up. Any social occasion, sunny day, knock off from work, holidays, any excuse really, ends up involving alcohol.

When she finished her job she started drinking heavily and locked herself away from me. Emotionally and physically. We haven’t slept in the same bed since March and she hardly talks to me.

She became increasingly angry at me and every time we tried to talk she’d yell and storm off. I struggled with it because I could never ask enough questions to understand why she was so upset and angry. There were a few small issues but don’t have enough space here to discuss everything atm.

a months ago we had a discussion about it all and I felt a lot better about the situation and felt we had bridged a gap and we’re moving forward. She even said when she’s back at work she’ll feel better, drink less and I felt she’d have a clearer mind.

Sleeping in. Drinking all day. Getting a terrible sleep each night from the alcohol. And being by herself has been very destructive for her.

5 days ago we had a chat and she said “I don’t see the point. I’m done.” I asked what she meant and she said were different people and she doesn’t want to be here anymore. she wants to get divorced.

this whole time she’s felt terrible I’ve suggested seeing someone but she’s not willing to do it. i feel her drinking is clouding her mind but she won’t listen to me.

[brokenheartedandlost]

I ran out of space but I need to add these last comments;

i feel alone and like I’ve lost my best friend. I like helping people and fixing problems but it’s killing me I can’t do anything to help her or us.

Im getting a mental health plan sorted this week for myself. Have been crying a lot, having multiple panic attacks in a row and troubling visualising my future without her.

I run a successful construction business and I need to keep positive for that but it’s getting harder and harder.
I just need need a bit of support to help me through these first few steps. I’m sorry this is a bit long but I’m not sure what I can cut from it.
I appreciate any any help or advice any can give me to help her, but also to help myself feel better.

[brokenheartedandlost]

Update:

We had a discussion last night. Was extremely emotion for both of us.

She described that I never shared my feelings with her and she felt like I didn’t care enough to tell her how I felt. I tried to explain to her that I knew she was so tired, upset and drained from her work that I didn’t want to burden her with my troubles.

She also mentioned she just wanted a date night and I said I wanted that too but I just needed some help to get it all sorted. I felt like I just had so much on my plate, I just didn’t vocalise it to her, that it was really hard for me to organise it. A stupid mistake in hindsight but I can’t turn back time.

I tried to explain to her that I knew things weren’t great but like all the other troubles we’ve had in the last 13 years, I thought we’d get through as a team. It is only a small fraction of time compared to what is behind us and what is ahead of us.

Im sorry if this doesn’t make much sense, I have a lot running through my head and I’m finding it really difficult concentrating.

she said she tried to tell me she wasn’t happy but I honestly can’t remember her saying to me “I feel unhappy and we NEED to do something about it”. I said that the last thing I ever wanted was to upset her and it’s hard for me to hear that because she is the last person in the world I’d ever want to upset.

She said she knows I tried hard and that I’m a good person but she feels we’re heading to seperate ways.

We spoke to a family friend who is a lawyer and she explained Seperation to us. I told the lawyer I was getting a mental health plan organised and she asked my wife if she was interested in it, she said I don’t want to do that.

We also asked if marriage counciling is required but apparently it’s not.

Again she had been drinking all night and I still feel strongly that her drinking is playing a huge role in her state and for us moving forward, however that ends up.

We also picked a date for Seperation and as no paperwork needs to be filed, she said well we can just tell them it’s already been a year so we can get divorced sooner?

I explained to her that that’s not legal and that we need to stick to the rules. We’re trying to get her a rental property nearby so we can have some space and as she said “see what happens”. A small part of me is clinging to hope but I’m loosing grip each moment that passes.

Mental health plan today 🙂 but I just feel like I’ve lost everything and I’m just gonna have to pass time until the inevitable :’(

[Birdy77]

Dear brokenheartedandlost,

I am so very sorry to hear how things seem to be unravelling for you and it is such good news to hear that you are seeing the dr today to organise a mental health plan which will give you some support through this incredibly timultuous time.

From the discussion you had last night, you explaining that you wanted date night too and just weren't too good at communicating your feelings, do you feel that there could be any scope for your wife to at least try to get things back on track, working together as a team as you've always done in the past?

It feels like there's so much love and closeness between you, and such a terrible shame to let all that go. But if your wife does not want to get the help that it sounds like she needs, it's going to be very difficult to make progress.

If only she could do what you're doing, at least get a mh plan sorted, it could help her to see things more clearly, which she can't do right now staying home drinking all day and feeling so depressed.

I wonder if getting her gardening work into action would really allow her to get everything into perspective.

You are looking at rental properties for her and talking of actual separation - do you think you could ask her if you could just hold off on making final decisions about that until you've had a chance to talk some more, and she's started her gardening work? To see if her starting her work will bring that sense of perspective in her life back again?

I'm sending you lots of positive vibes today.

Be really gentle with yourself, and i hope your appointment goes well.

🌻birdy

[brokenheartedandlost]

Hi Birdy,

thanks for for your post and taking the time to write something. Really appreciate it.

At this stage I don’t think she’s interested in patching anything between us. She mentioned last night, that she hopes we can one day be friends again and that maybe some time apart will be help.

Though she did say to me that she sees herself as single right now which was hard to swallow(I think she’s had this plan for a while and maybe she’s accepted it). For me it’s been a week but in her mind maybe it’s been weeks or months....?

I just feel that without help(either the rights friends, a doctor, MHP, or some form of external assistance) she won’t be able to progress and improve/change her thinking.

Part of me hopes that she may see the benefits I get from taking to someone and she tries to let go of her stigma/issues with professional medical help...but I don’t think that’s anytime soon.

I believe when she starts working again, she may get some perspective and hopefully help her with the drinking. It’s just so hard to know because I’ve been shutout of her life.

Yes we’re in the process of discussing and deciding what is best for both of us. Being around each other isn’t helping either of us atm. In the short term(next few days) I’m going to stay at my parents place during the night but return home in the morning for work and a bit after each day in my office.

But we will decide on a suitable time that I’m gone by, so she knows the house will be empty for her by then.

Then we need to look at what she wants in the medium term. She needs to be able to pay for it and at this stage she has no money as she’s burned through all of hers with the time off she’s had.

I can’t sustain a mortgage, a rental, bills for two houses and her car payments and a part of me feels like I shouldn’t have to right now. She wants space but still needs my financial assistance?

She needs to start working and making some money for herself, which I believe is happening soon. I was going to discuss with her father and mother if they can offer some financial support until she’s on her feet and I’ll do what I can financially or to organise a place for her to stay.

App with the doctor went well. Only had a panic attack when I left. But I feel a bit more positive about my life going forward.

Will book an appointment with they psychologist and go from there.

Thanks again birdy for you time and consideration

[Birdy77]

Dear brokenhearted,

I'm so pleased you feel a little more positive about your life going forward after setting up your mhp. Well done for taking that brave step. I hope you can find a psych you can click with and feel supported through this.

It mist have hurt a lot to hear your wife say she thinks if herself as single. I'm sorry you had to hear that.

I agree with you that the financial burden shouldn't all fall to you, especially as this us sonething she has decided she wants. Of course you shouldn't have to foot the bills for her rent, the mortgage, her car, plus all living expenses (including paying for her daily booze (!) - that's just not fair in my opinion).

Although everything is hurting and it feels like your world is falling apart, you are taking really sensible, level-headed steps to take care of what is going on here. You should be proud of yourself, i think you're doing so well.

I hope you are able to make an appointment for a psych soon.

I hope find a pocket of peace today, even if it's just for a moment.

🌻birdy

[brokenheartedandlost]

Morning birdy,

have an appointment booked for the 20th but their going to see if she can get me in quicker. It’s a nice feeling knowing that I’m going to have a professional to talk to that knows some strategies to improve my mental health 🙂

Ate dinner last night, first meal in 3 days and woke up with my alarm this morning(instead of 3 hours early!). So I feel in my body a bit better. no panic attacks(yet) but still foggy and heavy in my head. It too will pass.

Im discussing with a mutual friend who offered my wife one of their spare properties, short term, for her to stay in until she sorts herself out financially. And I spoke to her father about the idea of them supporting her financially for a time because I can’t do both and he was baffled that my wife asked me to give her money. I will support her where I can, to a point but I can’t/won’t pay for her whole lifestyle(that is definitely not helping me).

Thats my next goal for this week, as well as trying to keep focused on how I feel and what I need.

I really cant thank you enough for being there to talk to me and listen to my rambling. I’ll be forever in your debt however this all plays out.

Take care and and have a great day

[Birdy77]

Hi brokenhearted,

How are you feeling today?

Cool, that's great you have an appt with the psych, that's only 8 days from now, and maybe sooner if they get a cancellation. Well done!! It will be so helpful to talk, get it out with a professional and get some strategies to assist during this wretched time.

Well done eating your dinner - I'm really hoping you've managed to continue that with some brekkies and lunches? I know it's hard, but even small meals are important. If you can't manage that, some healthy snacks like nuts, fruit ... whatever you can stomach.

It's really good you have a friend who has a property that could help out during this time. I hope that eases the financial/stress burden a little bit.

You're doing so well.

I am very happy that I've been able to be here in a small way for you, you are so very welcome.

Sending good vibes your way.

🌻birdy

[brokenheartedandlost]

Morning birdy,

sorry for not replying sooner. I had a busy week and have been so tired with everything that’s going on.

im trying to keep it together, my appointment with the psychologist is this Friday.

Really need my wife to move out and stop asking for money. It’s really hard for me because she doesn’t want anything to do with me but wants my money.

Her family said they can’t help her and I feel like I need to help her cause nobody else will. I just don’t want too right now, I don’t feel that she is my responsibility atm.

she just doesn’t seem to want to do anything to improve her situation and I’m just hanging in limbo trying to keep from drowning.

I cant financially sustain this on my own and don’t want to be bled dry.

Just tired and and a bit over this situation atm. I would love a pause button just to have a break from it all.

thanks for listening. Take care

[Birdy77]

Dear brokenhearted,

I can imagine that you must be feeling so emotionally drained and exhausted. With everything that's going on, plus keeping your business running, no wonder you want a pause button, i would too.

I hope there is an opportunity for you to take some time for yourself to regroup sometime in the near future.

How have you been feeling this week?

I can understand your frustration and although you have been in a financial partnership having been together for over a decade, i don't think it's fair that you should be expected to finance her sitting at home drinking. That would make me angry in your shoes. Maybe you could get some advice around that.

A couple more days until your appt, between now and then maybe if you can just do the bare essentials to keep yourself afloat. You know, eat a few meals a day, drink some water, try to get some sleep, remember to breathe. Your world has kinda been turned upside down, so remember to take care of yourself.

🌻birdy