Losing hope

[RubyDiamonds]

My partner has been suffering from anxiety for a few years now. He refuses to see anyone for it, won’t talk to anyone and has ruled out medication. His anxiety is debilitating and affects all parts of our lives. I’m beginning to resent the fact that I am the only one dealing with this. It's a lot for me to deal with on top of my career, my own health problems and general life. He refuses to reach out to friends and family. I’ve tried speaking with them myself to get them involved but they just sort of come and go.

I feel isolated, alone, and scared for the future. I feel like I’m suffocating and that it is not fair for me to be shouldering the full load of this situation to a point that my own life and health are suffering. I’m not a professional, I’m his girlfriend. I can only love and support him which I do in bucket-loads. My life currently revolves around him. I have to constantly check in on him when I’m at work and have dropped everything else in my life. I’ve even had to cancel and cut short some work trips because he’s been in such a bad way.

He seems to think his mental health problems are just going to disappear on their own or that he should just give up entirely (he floats between these two extremes). It’s getting worse and I feel myself pulling further and further away because I don’t want him to rely solely on me. He needs serious professional help.

I told him if he doesn’t get help that our relationship will probably not survive. It’s not my proudest moment and I feel guilty for being so blunt but I feel it’s the truth and it’s coming from a place of love (tough love) because I want him to get better. I just can’t see myself coping like this much longer. It’s too much for me. I want him to understand that he needs to try everything and to stop ruling things out before giving them a go. When I told him we may not survive he said that there’s no point in trying then because without me he’s got no reason to live. He then broke down and begged me not to ever leave him. I reinforced that I need to see him taking some serious steps towards TRYING to get better. I just want to see him putting in effort but he still hasn’t made any appointments or accepted my suggestions to take action. I’ve offered to make and go to appointments with him but he just doesn’t respond to me or says (usually angrily) “you're not listening to me! I know none of that will work for me”.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like a monster.

[Atinita]

Hi RubyDiamonds,

A lot of what you said resonates with me. My partner and I have been managing his depression for a long time. He has been dealing with anxiety and depression for most of his life, and in the 7 years that we have been together he has mostly refused to get help. He genuinely doesn’t believe anybody can help him.

Last year he hit rock bottom and took himself to the doctor, started a treatment and went to see a psychologist. It’s interesting how, after I told him for months that he needed to get help, he chose to do it when it was the right time for him. He was much better. Our live went back to “normal”, we were happy.

He stopped the treatment + psychologist a few months back, and now we are back to square one.

I find that when he is managing his mental health with the help of professionals, I can deal with the whole situation much better. I feel at peace because we are doing something that will slowly make things better. And things do get better.

I am generally a very positive person and I’ve always approached his mental health positively. However since we got married I am struggling to deal with the situation.

He seems to have accepted that his brain is wired that way and it will never change and I’ve been told that I need to accept that “the way he thinks” makes him who he is.

I’ve always refused to think that he can’t get better. But the reality is that I am not sure how he will get better without help. And I am losing hope that we will ever have a normal life.

I reach out to his family and friends often. But people come and go, at the end of the day it’s just him and I so it’s generally a very lonely thing to experience. I feel angry because his family and friend know very well the stuff that he goes through as he has been dealing with it since he was a teenager. But since I came along, they all seem to be ok with me dealing with it alone.

I am a migrant so my family and closest friends are all far away so I feel very isolated and helpless.

I think you are being reasonable. But something that I learnt is that they ARE putting an effort even if we don’t see it. Getting out of bed is an effort, having a shower is an effort. Going to the doctor is a massive step for them and when the time is right, they will do it.

Or that’s what I keep telling myself.

[Wazowski]

Hi RubyDiamonds,

What a heavy responsibility you have on your shoulders. I can hear that you love your partner dearly, and only want the best for him, so it would be devastating to watch him suffer. I completely agree with you, it isn’t healthy for him to completely rely on you. You have tried all possible ways of getting him the help he needs, from reaching out to friends and family, and organising to attend appointments with him, only to be met with resistance. At the end of the day, you can only try your best, and if he is refusing to get help, that is his decision.

I am hopeful like Atinita that he will go seek help when the time is right, however in the mean time, it is very important to look after yourself. It sounds like spending all your time looking after him has impacted your own mental and physical health. It might be a good idea to put in some emotional boundaries to make sure that you aren’t suffocating, like communicating how you are feeling and what you need from the relationship. Also it is important to take some time out for yourself to engage in good self-care, such as spending time with friends, or reading a good book. You can continue to love and care for your partner, but make sure in the process, you don’t forget to love and care for yourself!

Wazowski