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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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JennyS79 Depressed husband drug abuse & cheating
  • replies: 4

My world has been turned upsidedown. I love my husband of 10 years and I don’t know what to do. Looking for some advice or similar life experiences. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, but I’m still in shock that the bombs of information keep dropping. I... View more

My world has been turned upsidedown. I love my husband of 10 years and I don’t know what to do. Looking for some advice or similar life experiences. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, but I’m still in shock that the bombs of information keep dropping. In November at 4am on a Wed morning I called my OH who was interstate working. I hadn’t been able to sleep properly for months. I kept having dreams he was cheating on me. At 4am that morning all I said on the phone to him was “just be honest with me please, have you been unfaithful “...he said “yes I cheated on you twice”. After this phone call I was physically sick, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t go to work. I pulled my shit together to get the kids ready for school dropped them off, my sister came over, I called a locksmith to change all the locks on the house and put his belongings at the front of the house. We separated because of the cheating but my boys still needed there dad, as much as I didn’t want to see him, they needed him so is still involved in their lives. In the weeks that followed he admittedto being depressed and suicidal the past year or so. I wanted to support him through seeking treatment for his depression. He has seen a psychologist by himself and we’ve also been together. He went to a wellness retreat for 7 days. Then 2 weeks ago he admitted to me he also subscribed to online cheating websites last year. And last week another new admission - to spending thousands $ on cocaine in 2018 which he would buy when interstate for work and use by himself (& with the ONS) in his hotel room. The psychologists didn’t know about the drug abuse. Taking a step back: My husband has a family history of depression and addiction. Over the years I have seen him change into something that doesn’t represent the man I married. Years ago I tried to talk to him it and he would shut down. In life he was like a passenger in the backseat. He wasn’t present. It was a strain on our relationship. I didn’t feel emotionally connected to him, so the past few years intimacy was very limited in our relationship. To me it felt like a stranger was trying to kiss me or make love to me. It made me feel dirty and taken advantage of. He wouldn’t admit to depression or seek help, so it escalated to using drugs and having ONS as escapism. This made his depression worse. He can’t remember most of 2018. Is there any chance that I will be able to forgive & forget? What sort of life.Should I just start a new life with my kids.

princesspeaches ADVICE DESPERATELY NEEDED - Partner with severe depression and possible schizophrenia or bipolar??
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I'll try to make this as succinct as possible! My partner suffers from severe depression and anxiety and has for most of his life (he is not on medication as he doesn't like the idea of itand is only just going to start seeing a psycholo... View more

Hi everyone, I'll try to make this as succinct as possible! My partner suffers from severe depression and anxiety and has for most of his life (he is not on medication as he doesn't like the idea of itand is only just going to start seeing a psychologist). He has also been given a possible schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder or bipolar diagnosis but GP didn't want to be the one to confirm that so psychologist will be looking into that further. He also has a family history of a range of mental illness including schizophrenia and his sister is currently in hospital dealing with it along with addiction. I want to support him in the best way that I possibly can however he is having delusions that make him believe that I have had a threesome with 2 other men - now just FYI this has never happened and I have been completely faithful, loving and supportive to him. He believes I look at other men and talk to other men behind his back and this is a lot deeper than just him having trust issues because he believes that situations that we've never been in have happened and etc. I guess what I want to know is how I can take care of myself and my own health because it is taking a huge toll on my own mental health and having a poor mental health history myself this is scaring me that I am going to spiral downwards myself. I want to know how I can take care of me and take care of him at the same time and ensure that we're both getting what we need while he goes through this difficult time in his life? He is his compassionate, funny, loving self these days about 50% of the time and the other 50% is so bad that I am worried he might do something to himself even though he remains adamant that he wouldn't. Any advice would be appreciated!!

numera Boyfriend in a slump
  • replies: 1

25y old Boyfriend lost a few jobs over the years, most of them out of his control. He used to have anxiety but now he says hes ok. He’s been looking for a stable job for a while now and he’s entered a “slump.” Thinks he is a failure, too old to get h... View more

25y old Boyfriend lost a few jobs over the years, most of them out of his control. He used to have anxiety but now he says hes ok. He’s been looking for a stable job for a while now and he’s entered a “slump.” Thinks he is a failure, too old to get his shit sorted out, and that every day is a “bad day.” As a result he has pushed all his friends away and kinda cocooned into himself, saying he doesn’t wanna burden people with his problems and doesn’t want to talk to anyone. He is barely opening up to me about his feelings and I don’t know how to help him. I want to get him professional help but he doesn’t believe it will do anything. How do I go about this? I feel lost and I just want to help him.

era1988 boyfriend admitted to mental health unit in hospital
  • replies: 6

Hi, My boyfriend who i live with has just been admitted. It has been a month long battle but i finally got him to go down to ED. i live in NSW and wasn't the most pleasant experience but we got the result we wanted. He was on a mental health plan wit... View more

Hi, My boyfriend who i live with has just been admitted. It has been a month long battle but i finally got him to go down to ED. i live in NSW and wasn't the most pleasant experience but we got the result we wanted. He was on a mental health plan with his GP but wasn't working for him and couldn't get regular appts with a psychologist. I just wanted to hear from other people who have gone through this process. How long was you/partner hospitalised? Was it a positive experience? Im not sure where our relationship will go when he gets better, but thats all i care about, him getting better!

Tilly2019 Advice needed on addicted partner staying with him or leaving
  • replies: 2

Hi all I need some guidance and advice on what and how to approach my situation, my partner of 7 years has got a crippling alcohol addiction, his mother and father is also alcoholics, he sufferes from depression and anxiety, ive been struggling with ... View more

Hi all I need some guidance and advice on what and how to approach my situation, my partner of 7 years has got a crippling alcohol addiction, his mother and father is also alcoholics, he sufferes from depression and anxiety, ive been struggling with my own mental health, our relationship has been a very toxic rollercoaster which hit a low point for me when the only way i could leave him was suicide... the past two years with him since then have been a massive eye opener and he did try to get help but failed and has given up completely on our relationship and himself. I i put alot of my time and love into him and now the relationship has escalated even more And is slowly making me mentally unstable again. How after so long do i pick myself from this relationship and move forward ive done nothing but support him and encourage getting help but he is in complete denial now and im at a cross roads with giving up completely and leaving him to get his act together and focus on myself and mental health or staying with him and helping him aswell. Thankyou

Worriedgirlfriend77 Health anxiety and a worried partner!
  • replies: 2

My boyfriend suffers terribly from health anxiety. He is 49 years old and has been like this, he says, since he was a teenager. He is constantly taking his heart rate, which is his main focus. He can tell me at any time what his heart rate us and he ... View more

My boyfriend suffers terribly from health anxiety. He is 49 years old and has been like this, he says, since he was a teenager. He is constantly taking his heart rate, which is his main focus. He can tell me at any time what his heart rate us and he is usually spot on. Recently he has said it feels like his heart is skipping a beat and he has had major panic attacks. We have been to the doctor and he has told him they are palpitations and harmless and anxiety doesn't help. He has had an ECG which came back perfectly normal. The Dr told him his heart is fine. However he keeps feeling dread and is convinced something bad is going to happen. He is a FIFO worker and he is having an anxiety attack and I don't know how to help him. He doesn't want to take medication as he is not able to for the kind of work he does. He is convinced something bad is going to happen which will lead to him losing his job and becoming a burden. This is affecting his life, his happiness and our relationship.

lilley When it's all too much .
  • replies: 1

Some days you are strong you can push through the day ignoring the continued depression that surrounds you . You put on a smile and do and say all the right things .You make them smile and all seems possible but the darkness comes . You see the chang... View more

Some days you are strong you can push through the day ignoring the continued depression that surrounds you . You put on a smile and do and say all the right things .You make them smile and all seems possible but the darkness comes . You see the change the words they are tired, moody feeling lost angry . Nothing you do or say really matters they only see the darkness but you are lost because you see light you see hope you see the future but they do not. You really can't talk to friends .Everyone has an opinion. I live with my husband who has depression and a daughter who has depression and the moments of happiness together are so precious but rare. Through all the darkness I see light but they do not but my light is dimming. Years have passed and with so many ups and downs and you think how amazing it is to survived so much and then life is really good only to say sorry but we are back to square one again and your life is in turmoil. How do you support the ones you love when they can't support themselves .

Massie Supporting my daughter , who has been diagnosed with Bipolar
  • replies: 14

Hi everyone, 11 days ago , I had to call an ambulance for my daughter , who has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, she had stopped taking her medication , which she told me that morning, I watched her moods deteriating, over the last few wees and ... View more

Hi everyone, 11 days ago , I had to call an ambulance for my daughter , who has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, she had stopped taking her medication , which she told me that morning, I watched her moods deteriating, over the last few wees and could see she was experiencing mania, I removed her carkeys from her as I did not want her to drive anywhere and now she is very angry with me , she does not have any insight into her illness and itvis very difficult, I live in fear , she was admitted to Hospital and does not want to see me although will call and text, I have been to visit her , however she takes the things she asks for and tells me to leave, this is the second time , she has been in Hospital in the last two months , , the first time she was at a bar and the manager was concerned about her wellbeing and called an ambulance, she stayed in forv10 dsys and was put on medication and said she would do all the things her treating team recommended, however as soon as the community nteam stop seeing her she stops the medication, as her family we dearly love her and will do anything to support her , she is 34 years and lost her husband to a brain tumorv4years ago , and now lives with me , her diagnosis was about 13 years ago , she is a very intelligent and beautiful person , I wantvher to be well and living her life , just not , calling the ambulance broke my heart

Horsegirl28 Advice for helping my boyfriend who has recently been disagnosed with severe depression
  • replies: 1

Hi, I won't say my name due to wanting to remain anonymous, but my partner and myself have been together for about 4 years, we live together with out kitty cat. My partner opened up to me about feeling depressed and that he feels that everyone in thi... View more

Hi, I won't say my name due to wanting to remain anonymous, but my partner and myself have been together for about 4 years, we live together with out kitty cat. My partner opened up to me about feeling depressed and that he feels that everyone in this world would feel better without him here and that he is a burden on everyone. I noticed he wasn't as up beat and bubbly as before, but I did not realise he had fallen into such a a dark place. he mentioned that he had a plan to end his life and said he stopped just before it was too late. Am I a bad person for feeling angry about this? That he would just ever so suddenly leave me behind, it's hard to think that he would think I'd be better off without him. I sympathize with him and have helped him find support with his DR and seeing a therapist, but every now and then he has really bad days, he gets horrible head aches and severe back pain. I find it hard to sympathize when it comes across as slackness not even trying to make thing sbetter for himself, and as soon as he does he just sooks about it again. I feel awful for saying that, but its so so hard. I love the heck outta this guy and would be lost without him but everything I do doesn't work. I just want him to be better, I feel like I have no support and its sending me into a dark place too.

Froffies94 Father of Two Sons in trouble
  • replies: 4

G'day Everyone, im looking for some help and hopefully somewhere to start. Ill try and be quick, My 60+ year old father has been dealing with depression for along time but over the past year has had a few things come up which have sent him into a dar... View more

G'day Everyone, im looking for some help and hopefully somewhere to start. Ill try and be quick, My 60+ year old father has been dealing with depression for along time but over the past year has had a few things come up which have sent him into a dark dark place. He had a stroke back in November, gave up the cigs and hasn't looked back. (So happy for him on this) But since March or so he has been very dull and starting to separate himself from his friends and family. We spoke every morning on the way to work since 2012-2013 and lately its a quick 60 second call and he cant get off the phone to me quick enough. He is on anti depression drugs and other medication prescribed by his dct. for his blood and whatnot but is taking them with a few glasses of wine every night to make sure they kick in quicker. He has seen a psychologist twice and has now stopped because he said he gets nothing out of it and its a waste. He used to speak with his best mate on the phone every morning and now has been ignoring his calls for the past month and we are all worried about what to do to help him. Sorry for the long rant but just getting started seems such a tough place at the moment. Cheers, Froffies!