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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Pamelawoolen Decision about future anxiety
  • replies: 1

My daughter has suffered from severe anxiety for years, sees a psychologist and in some ways is getting better but is currently struggling with anxiety about what she should do after she finishes year 12 (in four weeks time). She wants to go to the U... View more

My daughter has suffered from severe anxiety for years, sees a psychologist and in some ways is getting better but is currently struggling with anxiety about what she should do after she finishes year 12 (in four weeks time). She wants to go to the US to do competitive cheerleading(she has been doing this successfully in Australia for the last 10 years and to hopefully go to Uni there(but not sure what she wants to study). Although she was born in Australia, she is a US citizen and wants to explore possibilities over there so it is a "doable" option. However, she is terrified about any decision she makes. She does online/distance education because mainstream school was too daunting for her with her anxiety. At this stage, she has refused to go on any medication, even though it has been recommended for her. She is beginning to see that this might help her as she becomes so "stuck" to do anything when she "spirals" down that path. We have talked with her about the fact that she doesn't have to make a decision right away but this doesn't seem to help her any. While we are trying to get her calmed down and in to see her psychologist as well as GP(to discuss medication), I just thought I would see if anyone would have any suggestions as to what might help her. Thanks for any advice...A very concerned mom.

judy-joy I'm trying to help my son but failing
  • replies: 8

Hello everyone, I am new to the forums and at a loss how to help my 25 yr old son. He is the eldest of 3 boys and has grown up with sporadic contact with his father. Our marriage broke down 16 years ago. He has been a wonderful son and brother but sl... View more

Hello everyone, I am new to the forums and at a loss how to help my 25 yr old son. He is the eldest of 3 boys and has grown up with sporadic contact with his father. Our marriage broke down 16 years ago. He has been a wonderful son and brother but slowly over the years this has changed. He returned home in Jan. after a relationship break down, his doing. In that time he secured casual work, a few hours a week. He sadly has very few friends and slowly has isolated himself by using his phone and xbox most of his waking hours alone in his room. His self loathing is very high and he has very low self esteem. He is a gifted singer and is aware of his talent which has brought great joy in the past, but not anymore. The guitar he promised he'd use regularly when I bought it for Christmas has been used twice. The past 2 weeks has seen him leave his room only if I'm not home. When he knows I'm due home he leaves before I get here. My youngest son is struggling with yr 12 and not wanting to be here as his brothers' behaviour is so draining. I am trying to be patient but this past week he did not get out of bed for 4 consecutive days . As I do shift work returning home to a peaceful sanctuary is important to me and I've worked very hard to create this. I am now receiving msgs from people asking why he's not showing up for appointments. I know he's unwell and so does he but he seems paralysed in moving forward. He has not completed any tertiary study, has started a few courses but either drops out or is asked to leave, due to non attendance or not submitting work. He has no interest or he thinks ability to complete study either on line or face to face. He has never held permanent employment and admitted last night, after another 24hours in his room, that he's been told by a third party, that in a few months his casual employment will cease. His behaviour over the past fortnight is a result of this as he hates to and is very anxious applying for work, as he never gets the job. I can see his pain but any offer of support is dismissed. He is aware of his anxiety, seeks sporadic help and is medicated. However life cannot go on like this. I am getting support for myself but really wish he'd pack up and go. Obviously this is not the solution. He is a compassionate, empathic being and watching him in so much pain is heartbreaking. Thank you, I'd appreciate any feedback to help me help him.

tanner456 My future husband and his self medicating habits
  • replies: 1

I’ve just found out that for the past 6 months my partner has been self medicating ( alcohol & pain medication) because his so tired and his trying to stay awake at night prior to this he has had depressed thoughts and has made self harming comments ... View more

I’ve just found out that for the past 6 months my partner has been self medicating ( alcohol & pain medication) because his so tired and his trying to stay awake at night prior to this he has had depressed thoughts and has made self harming comments “ what you say to me makes me what to hurt myself” when conflicts come up he says “ you are going to make me do something you regret” He brought it up in a fight we have some what resolved it and now when I bring it up he claims his over it now and has things to look forward to and excited about .. i’m trying to be the best partner I can but I’m just scared/worried how to bring it up to him ... I want him to be honest and feel like he can talk to me about anything

healedpeoplehealpeople Rising from the ashes
  • replies: 3

What do you do when your friend has just broken up after a whirlwind of romance? How empty do your own words ‘It’s gonna be fine’ sound while consoling her? Worst of all, how do you identify signs of depression? I was clouded by these thoughts when m... View more

What do you do when your friend has just broken up after a whirlwind of romance? How empty do your own words ‘It’s gonna be fine’ sound while consoling her? Worst of all, how do you identify signs of depression? I was clouded by these thoughts when my very good friend, let’s call her Phoenix, was going through a bad breakup. I gave her usual words of advice, “He did not deserve you, you are going to find someone, drink your sorrows with alcohol”. Like a dutiful person, she tried to follow but she couldn’t just let go of him and the breakup in the past and all the self-esteem issues she had earlier. She was looking for validations from random hook-ups. She was so hurt, destroyed and withering in depression. I dint know what to do, worse, I had no idea she was in depression. There were signs, but they were camouflaged under the grief of break-up. Isn’t the pain of breakup same for everyone? Isn’t breakup just a normal thing and then you should forget and get going? No. The answer is a plain no to above questions. Phoenix saw the signs in her and decided to see a therapist. She decided to fight it for the greater good. It was not easy. There were so many moments of self-doubt, relapses, pain, hurt and anxiety. She had to go through it alone. Because, it is difficult to understand what it’s like to be in a therapy for person like me who had never visited a therapist. Thinking about it now, I feel bad for not being there. As a friend, I failed the fundamental promise of friendship. However, Phoenix rose above all. She found an awesome psychologist, did almost a year of therapy. She rediscovered herself. She was no more the old person that I had met two years’ ago. She was so happy, joyful, kind and forgiving. Phoenix inspired me and so many others to do something about concealed mental health issues. She talks non-stop about mindfulness; she wants more and more people to be happy and fight their mental health struggles. My Phoenix has indeed reborn from ashes and is now flying into the open sky. She knows no limit; she knows no fear. If you know anyone going through a bad break-up, don’t ignore them, don’t count their problems as trivial. Conditions like depression and anxiety attack in various harmless forms. Beware and be mindful.

Guest5643 Help got myself in a little pickle
  • replies: 3

Hi Theres an add on gumtree for someone wanting a dog to stop them from suicide. I replied just saying i understand what its like your not alone, and now im recieving full on messages. I mentioned bbforums to help to no avail. This person said im the... View more

Hi Theres an add on gumtree for someone wanting a dog to stop them from suicide. I replied just saying i understand what its like your not alone, and now im recieving full on messages. I mentioned bbforums to help to no avail. This person said im the first person theyve felt comfortable talking about this and wants to know my age. This person mentioned there on parole i dont know what for. Im now starting to feel extremely uncomfortable about this. Is is wrong of me to completely ignore this persons messages now to look after my mental health. cheers lynne

sally53 Need help! Worried about daughter
  • replies: 2

My daughter who has just turned 19 has social anxiety and depression. Apart from us, her 23 yearly boyfriend and a few loose uni contacts she is socially isolated. My husband and I over the last few months have become gravely concerned for her due he... View more

My daughter who has just turned 19 has social anxiety and depression. Apart from us, her 23 yearly boyfriend and a few loose uni contacts she is socially isolated. My husband and I over the last few months have become gravely concerned for her due her relationship with her boyfriend. Initially we thought her boyfriend seemed great, we opened your house to him although he never really interacted with us. A couple of months into the relationship he cheated on our daughter while he was high on ecstasy. My daughter went to the bar and when she came back, he was making out with another girl. My daughter left, he followed, a fight ensued, and he threatened to kill himself. My daughter decided to forgive him, and we supported her decision. He also promised he would never take ecstasy again. Fast forwards a few months, her boyfriend goes out, my daughter gets a call from his friend wondering if she knows where her boyfriend is. He has taken ecstasy again, gone missing in action for a few hours and cannot give her a credible story of what’s happened. Again she forgives him. Problems continue. We have asked our daughter to tell him not to bring alcohol into our house because it creates chaos when they drink. He disregards this and brings it anyway so we have said he can longer stay the night. He turns this back on us telling her we are controlling and that she needs to be more adult and not follow our rules, this has created a lot of conflict. He has driven while drunk with her, told her she needs to give him 48 hours notice if she wants to see him, berated her for drinking but then encourages her to drink a couple days later even though she has told him she can’t handle it. He gets moody if she doesn’t comply with him to the point where she is fearful to tell him if she is doing something for example meeting up with the social anxiety group she has recently joined. If she is spending time with me he gets annoyed so she tends not to tell him as there will be constant messages from him and often he has a crisis that she then needs to help with. He has gone through her phone without permission and also not been there for her when she’s told him her mental health is bad, the list goes on. Her mental heath has really deteriorated in the last few months, self-harming and had made an attempt on her life. I don’t know how to help her anymore. She is literally self destructing and I'm scared.

Rose2001 Helping my man long-distance
  • replies: 3

Ok so I’ve been seeing this guy for a while, I really like him but I never get to talk to him. I’m lucky if I get to talk to him once a week and when I do it’s “hey how are you how is everything I miss you” and that’s it. At the moment he’s a 5 hour ... View more

Ok so I’ve been seeing this guy for a while, I really like him but I never get to talk to him. I’m lucky if I get to talk to him once a week and when I do it’s “hey how are you how is everything I miss you” and that’s it. At the moment he’s a 5 hour drive away staying with his mum. He’s told me before that his mum has cancer, and I know recently she had a stroke. He’s shut me out and I get it but it’s really hard for me. I’m turning 18 on Tuesday and I cannot enjoy myself at any party’s I go to because I’m missing him and not able to crack on with anyone. I guess I’m just asking for advice on how to cope with missing him and how to support him from a distance when he’s shut me out and I don’t get to speak to him

Stormi Help...advice on helping my partner get through a really tough time.
  • replies: 9

Hi, first time posting. I'm after we advice on helping my partner get through a really tough time. Background story, my partners dad recently passed away. It's been extremely hard on him. They didn't have the best relationship his dad was tough on hi... View more

Hi, first time posting. I'm after we advice on helping my partner get through a really tough time. Background story, my partners dad recently passed away. It's been extremely hard on him. They didn't have the best relationship his dad was tough on him. In an odd way there was love. Anything I do or say is wrong! I've developed a migraine, I've never suffered from migraines before. The first thing the doctor said was have you had any stress recently ?! I could have just broke down and cried there and then. I love him so much, it kills me that I can't take his pain away. He said last night his had enough. I complain to much and his hit rock bottom, and broke up with me. Yet didn't want me to do anywhere. We shared our bed and went to sleep next to each other. I am lost, I have no idea what to do. I've suggested he / we speck to someone. He refuses. I feel like an emotional punching bag. There's no intermincy to help cover up the tears. I'm just raw. Any insight is more then welcome. Thank you.

StillNewToThis Burnout from partner's depression?
  • replies: 1

Hi, I haven't been here in a while. Life has been very busy and largely going okayish (no really bad episodes). But recently, I've just been feeling very tired and flat. As a bit of a background, my wife has BPD, in the past she has been suicidal wit... View more

Hi, I haven't been here in a while. Life has been very busy and largely going okayish (no really bad episodes). But recently, I've just been feeling very tired and flat. As a bit of a background, my wife has BPD, in the past she has been suicidal with roughly seven (thankfully unsuccessful) suicide attempts in the last seven years that I've been with her. She swings a bit between depression and anxiety, but currently it seems to mainly be depression. She used to talk to me about how she's doing, but stopped that some time ago and gets extremely defensive when I ask, or worse yet, suggest that we go to the psychiatrist, that she hasn't been to in at least six months, but probably much longer than that. Our relationship currently isn't very good and I think some of that might be my fault as well. She's EXTREMELY negative and I, as a naturally positive person, find this very hard to deal with. If I fix something that she has wanted to be fixed for a while, I sometimes get a very brief "thanks", but it's usually followed by her complaining that I didn't do X, Y and Z. I'm really struggling with this and while I'm naturally definitely more of a lazy person, I just feel like this zaps all my energy and it's hard to motivate myself to do things that we want done if I know she's just going to complain about something afterwards regardless. I should mention that we also have a two year old son whom we both love, but he's not an easy child. He's very fixated on me, which she finds very hard to deal with. If she picks him up, he'll ask for me most of the time. Does anyone have any tips on how I can deal with my wife a bit better? Also, would there happen to be any support meetings for people with partners/family with BPD?

RubyDiamonds Losing hope
  • replies: 2

My partner has been suffering from anxiety for a few years now. He refuses to see anyone for it, won’t talk to anyone and has ruled out medication. His anxiety is debilitating and affects all parts of our lives. I’m beginning to resent the fact that ... View more

My partner has been suffering from anxiety for a few years now. He refuses to see anyone for it, won’t talk to anyone and has ruled out medication. His anxiety is debilitating and affects all parts of our lives. I’m beginning to resent the fact that I am the only one dealing with this. It's a lot for me to deal with on top of my career, my own health problems and general life. He refuses to reach out to friends and family. I’ve tried speaking with them myself to get them involved but they just sort of come and go. I feel isolated, alone, and scared for the future. I feel like I’m suffocating and that it is not fair for me to be shouldering the full load of this situation to a point that my own life and health are suffering. I’m not a professional, I’m his girlfriend. I can only love and support him which I do in bucket-loads. My life currently revolves around him. I have to constantly check in on him when I’m at work and have dropped everything else in my life. I’ve even had to cancel and cut short some work trips because he’s been in such a bad way. He seems to think his mental health problems are just going to disappear on their own or that he should just give up entirely (he floats between these two extremes). It’s getting worse and I feel myself pulling further and further away because I don’t want him to rely solely on me. He needs serious professional help. I told him if he doesn’t get help that our relationship will probably not survive. It’s not my proudest moment and I feel guilty for being so blunt but I feel it’s the truth and it’s coming from a place of love (tough love) because I want him to get better. I just can’t see myself coping like this much longer. It’s too much for me. I want him to understand that he needs to try everything and to stop ruling things out before giving them a go. When I told him we may not survive he said that there’s no point in trying then because without me he’s got no reason to live. He then broke down and begged me not to ever leave him. I reinforced that I need to see him taking some serious steps towards TRYING to get better. I just want to see him putting in effort but he still hasn’t made any appointments or accepted my suggestions to take action. I’ve offered to make and go to appointments with him but he just doesn’t respond to me or says (usually angrily) “you're not listening to me! I know none of that will work for me”. Am I being unreasonable? I feel like a monster.