I'm trying to help my son but failing

judy-joy · ‎18-05-2019

Hello everyone,

I am new to the forums and at a loss how to help my 25 yr old son. He is the eldest of 3 boys and has grown up with sporadic contact with his father. Our marriage broke down 16 years ago. He has been a wonderful son and brother but slowly over the years this has changed.

He returned home in Jan. after a relationship break down, his doing. In that time he secured casual work, a few hours a week. He sadly has very few friends and slowly has isolated himself by using his phone and xbox most of his waking hours alone in his room. His self loathing is very high and he has very low self esteem. He is a gifted singer and is aware of his talent which has brought great joy in the past, but not anymore. The guitar he promised he'd use regularly when I bought it for Christmas has been used twice.

The past 2 weeks has seen him leave his room only if I'm not home. When he knows I'm due home he leaves before I get here. My youngest son is struggling with yr 12 and not wanting to be here as his brothers' behaviour is so draining.

I am trying to be patient but this past week he did not get out of bed for 4 consecutive days . As I do shift work returning home to a peaceful sanctuary is important to me and I've worked very hard to create this. I am now receiving msgs from people asking why he's not showing up for appointments. I know he's unwell and so does he but he seems paralysed in moving forward.

He has not completed any tertiary study, has started a few courses but either drops out or is asked to leave, due to non attendance or not submitting work. He has no interest or he thinks ability to complete study either on line or face to face. He has never held permanent employment and admitted last night, after another 24hours in his room, that he's been told by a third party, that in a few months his casual employment will cease. His behaviour over the past fortnight is a result of this as he hates to and is very anxious applying for work, as he never gets the job.

I can see his pain but any offer of support is dismissed. He is aware of his anxiety, seeks sporadic help and is medicated. However life cannot go on like this.

I am getting support for myself but really wish he'd pack up and go. Obviously this is not the solution. He is a compassionate, empathic being and watching him in so much pain is heartbreaking.

Thank you, I'd appreciate any feedback to help me help him.

Billyc · ‎18-05-2019

Hi Judy,

Welcome to the forum,

This is a unique one for me, as I’ve been in your sons situation for the past three years..

I’m slowly taking it step by step. And they are small steps..

went for an interview two days ago. Anxiety levels were high and I felt I didn’t belong.

I don’t know if this helps,

but for me, compartmentalising things helps a lot.. pulling apart my head fulfilled problems into smaller things that I could tackle one at a time has helped me find myself again..

just yesterday I reached out to bb help line along with another called men’s help line, hope I can say that here.. and to hear a voice on the other end that has heard these experiences a hundred times is a helping process.

Look after yourself and try not to take on the burden and challenge your son faces.. I was told that I could re ignite my life.. I trust your son will find the same.

Coming here was terrific so welldone, there are plenty here that will support you.

and finally if I may, have a cry, than pat yourself on the back, your dedicated to your family, be proud of that..

SusanJane · ‎20-05-2019

Hi Judy-Joy....this is also my first post and I have turned to this bb forum in some desperation tonight. Your story is so similar to mine...so I’m sorry but I don’t have any advice for you - just a post to express my own situation. My 26 year old son does have a tertiary degree - during which his anxiety escalated to his first full blown panic attack in an exam. But he did complete the degree. Since then (3 years ago) he has only had some fill- in work - nothing permanent. He had a car accident two years ago (someone ran into him) no physical injuries but car was written off and his whole psyche went into meltdown - exacerbated by the fact that despite the fact the accident was not his fault he was tested for drugs and found to have marijuana in his system. He lost his license for 3 months. He has been seeing a GP and in the last 2 years has tried two different psychologists that I know of but he says they can’t help him. He blames my husband and I for having him at all and that we haven’t helped him enough over the years. I’m so so sad that he blames me as I’m a loving and caring mum as I’m sure you are - I know my husband can be difficult but we have a daughter who has turned out well and has good relationships with us. But I admit that my husband’s own anxieties and chnallenging sensitivites have been an issue over the years. But today my son was “let go” from his second workplace since the car accident (both positions were only filling in for 5-6 weeks). We have definitely been very worried about his self medication - plus prescribed medication - and insomnia - as he stumbles and drools his way through the really bad days of which there have been two in the last 10 days. Over the last weeks he has casually brought up the topic of suicide with me - and today when I came home from work (was only there an hour) to be with him after my husband told me he’d been let go he made me watch Melancholia - a movie about depression where the depressed person only finds peace when the world is being destroyed. And he made very sure I got the message. And I’m sorry none of this is any help for your situation - just to say you are not alone. My husband and I are seeking professional help ourselves next week to help us cope. Meanwhile since my son is an adult like yours - I can only continue to encourage him to see his GP and keep trying different meds until something helps his severe anxiety and panic attacks. I hope your son can seek further help.

listeningmind · ‎09-06-2019

Hi Judy-Joy

I don't really have answers but am reaching out in solidarity. It is so stressfull &worrying isn't it? What will become of them, will they ever be happy and independent? Does your son talk to you about feelings? I will tell you about my own boy but find we often communicate best via email or message, even though may be in next room. Encourage him to find a good GP, book a long appoint for him & give the doc a bit of a heads up. I think having that help, even if its just talking outside the family is a support for you too although of course I know you cant force him to attend. We cant make them do anything!! The bottom line is we cant fix it for them, try not to enable and try consistent pushing out of comfort zone with a steady, firm, loving hand. Conflict makes it so much worse but sometimes it comes to that (frustration, their lack of engagement, lack of action) but probably best avoided My 20 year old son (also eldest of 3 boys)is heading in the same direction.He has struggled with social& generalised anxiety since primary school. He was a quiet little child and an introvert but always affectionate and loving with us. He has casual work, 1-2 shifts a week and is studying arts. He doesn't turn up to anything before about 2pm. His father and I both work so he has to get himself up and out. He doesn't drive so has to organise himself to get buses and all to often that doesn't happen. He has no interest in getting his licence even though his younger brother has had his Ps for almost a year. He lacks motivation for everything. Ive told him now he's 20 I expect him to do his own washing, well that just sits there for weeks until I nag ( nagging required every step of way and I hate it) His room is an utter pigsty, so embarrassing, filthy and usually has half of our mugs cups, plates in there. I don't want to enable him but we need them& he just wont bring them out

Amazingly he has a lovely girlfriend but he's going to drive her away. They are fighting about his lack of motivation and she says he is withdrawing from his friends and avoids seeing her family which she finds upsetting. He has been on SSRI antidepressant since he was 18 which initially helped and that's when he met his girlfriend and became a bit more social and he has seen psychologists over the years

Today I have made another appoint for him with GP ( he would never initiate this) Thankfully he has agreed to go ( and was sure to make an afternoon appt!). Good luck, you are not alone

listeningmind · ‎09-06-2019

Thanks Billyc..its good for us mothers to hear from someone in our own sons situations. I will try to talk to my boy about breaking up tasks into smaller more manageable components. I am not the original poster but have replied with my own story. Thanks for contributing

DS99 · ‎09-06-2019

Hi Billy, i am glad to hear about your story. So maybe there is hope for my son.

He has never reached lifeline or beyongblue, did someone recommend this to you?? I suggested to him, he did not want to yesterday. When i suggested to see his Gp, he said maybe.

What else can i do to help?

Best wishes for you.

Billyc · ‎13-06-2019

ThankyouDS and listening mind.

this is a terrible and crippling illness.

im trying every day to be a better person, and a proactive one, my problem is I don’t believe in myself.

ive completed tertiary educated courses, and successfully, I have done some good stuff,

but i go to bed every night not wanting to be me, and I wake the next day feeling the same way..

i found solace in taking to therapists,

at times it feels like band aid fix, but other times I appreciate the time they spent with me,

it is a self centred world that I live in, not sure about your sons, but with small steps I am learning to look after others.. simply being because it stops me thinking about myself, and that’s when it hurts,

bb is a beautiful place to be, even helping someone on the street, what have you.. find a way to help others, and you will help yourself..find a way to communicate that message to your son, and as I see it, he will find his way out of this hell.

i hope that helps you,

i wish you well

BirdieBro · ‎13-06-2019

Hi Judy-Joy, thanks for your post. I have no solution to offer. My son has gone through a crippling anxiety disorder GAD. It’s somewhat mild now but as a yr 10 student can’t see himself employed. I have a fear that he will never get a job. Somehow my next major task is to work through this fear. One skill I learned from a psychologist was while in an anxiety attack, not to “fix” or “solve” but to listen and sit with. Basically, just set some time to be with him. Not sure if that’s helpful.

Mama7 · ‎14-10-2019

My son is nearly 30, came back home to live after 10 years living in the city, but due to depression, anxiety and cannabis use was on the verge of homelessness. He came home on the proviso the he wouldnt use in our home. He started off well, attending a course once a week, getting up in the morning. It didnt last long, he gets up about 2 - 3pm then just games and smokes cigarettes. We went away recently and our other son supplied him with cannabis and he had a 5 day bender. He is now refusing to commit to not using in our home. He said he hasnt used since the lapse but Im so upset they both broke our trust. Because of our work this cannot happen in our home again. He lacks any morivation, got his learners and drove twice. Not interested in any jobs or volunteer work and this makes our home tense, what can I do?