Need help! Worried about daughter

[sally53]

My daughter who has just turned 19 has social anxiety and depression. Apart from us, her 23 yearly boyfriend and a few loose uni contacts she is socially isolated. My husband and I over the last few months have become gravely concerned for her due her relationship with her boyfriend.

Initially we thought her boyfriend seemed great, we opened your house to him although he never really interacted with us. A couple of months into the relationship he cheated on our daughter while he was high on ecstasy. My daughter went to the bar and when she came back, he was making out with another girl. My daughter left, he followed, a fight ensued, and he threatened to kill himself. My daughter decided to forgive him, and we supported her decision. He also promised he would never take ecstasy again.

Fast forwards a few months, her boyfriend goes out, my daughter gets a call from his friend wondering if she knows where her boyfriend is. He has taken ecstasy again, gone missing in action for a few hours and cannot give her a credible story of what’s happened. Again she forgives him.

Problems continue. We have asked our daughter to tell him not to bring alcohol into our house because it creates chaos when they drink. He disregards this and brings it anyway so we have said he can longer stay the night. He turns this back on us telling her we are controlling and that she needs to be more adult and not follow our rules, this has created a lot of conflict. He has driven while drunk with her, told her she needs to give him 48 hours notice if she wants to see him, berated her for drinking but then encourages her to drink a couple days later even though she has told him she can’t handle it. He gets moody if she doesn’t comply with him to the point where she is fearful to tell him if she is doing something for example meeting up with the social anxiety group she has recently joined. If she is spending time with me he gets annoyed so she tends not to tell him as there will be constant messages from him and often he has a crisis that she then needs to help with. He has gone through her phone without permission and also not been there for her when she’s told him her mental health is bad, the list goes on.

Her mental heath has really deteriorated in the last few months, self-harming and had made an attempt on her life. I don’t know how to help her anymore. She is literally self destructing and I'm scared.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

This is a tough situation. As a parent you want to make sure your adult child is safe- she isn't. Yet there are some comments that I thought I'd throw into this reply.

It's your home. If you do not want alcohol there- end of story. It isn't what your daughter thinks nor her boyfriend, you have a rule, it's your home, stick to that rule. By abusing that rule he is displaying no respect.

You said he was drunk while driving with your daughter as a passenger. Was he charged by police? Howe do you know he was over the legal limit? If your view is based on assumptions then that isn't a good idea as he is entitled to drive under a limit.

Many of the issues you mentioned are ones that she has to sort out. Control over her for example. Spending time with you, lying to him that she has, 48 hours notice to see him and all that- all her responsibility. With these issues if you get too involved you risk losing her. We all learn the hard way but over protection- she wont learn, what she will depend on is mum handles her responsibilities.

I haven't got anymore to contribute. I wish you well and hopefully your daughter will see the light and move on to someone with a more stable lifestyle that will respect her and her parents rights.

TonyWK

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sally53

Welcome to bb and thank you for sharing your story. I am a mum of a 21 year old daughter who has OCD and anxiety. I know you're scared and I would be too.

It is extremely hard after years of caring for them (for me 8 years of illness) to drop your guard and resist the protection instinct. Particularly, as we are often left to pick up the pieces.

From your post, in order to safeguard your daughter's health, the boyfriend has to go. The challenge is getting your daughter to see it clearly for herself without alienating her.

I think it would help to ask your daughter if you could go together to see her regular mental health practitioner or GP to discuss her health. Make it about the impact of the behaviour on her health, not the boy, and she may be more receptive.

If she lets you in I think the facts will speak for themselves and the professional may help you get to where you need to be. I have done this myself many times and found the psychologist great at reading the situation and picking up the clues.

Another idea would be to encourage your daughter to do some research on the Relationships Australia or RESPECT websites. Don't push but do some reading yourself too and see if you can casually talk about things. Try to broaden the issue to healthy relationships, again not an attack on the boy.

Does this make sense to you? What do you think?

Kind thoughts to you