Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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When they won’t help themselves and you’ve done everything you can

replies: 1

I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. He was in the military for 7 years and medically discharged 2 years before we met. He suffers chronic pain, has PTSD, depression, anxiety and one psych said he also told him he has Boarderline Personality Disorder. Things are getting worse, not better. We had our second child 7 months ago and he basically checked out....sleeping all day or sitting on the couch, phone in hand, watching TV. In the past he’d have rough patches but nothing that’s ever lasted this long. He has access to all the support services he could need but isn’t really using them. His health is getting worse because he’s gaining weight and not looking after himself. He goes to the dr and they either do nothing or prescribe another pill. I’m taking care of myself and apart from home life I’m very happy. I’ve done all the typical ‘take care of yourself’ things. Our relationship is a shell. We barely talk, there’s been zero intimacy in 11months and I honestly don’t know if I even care to try work on it because he really needs to work on himself first. What would you do? I can’t force him to do better, seek help and want to live differently. I also don’t want this life to be my forever after.

Husband with body dismorphia disorder by proxy

replies: 2

My husband suffers from body dismorphia by proxy, meaning that the dismorphia is about others not himself. His dismorphia has been fixated on my nose since we got married 8 years ago. I ended up having 4 rhinoplasty surgeries throughout that time. I’d never really liked my nose at all but I’m happy with how it looks now so have told him no more surgeries. He’s booked in to see a psychiatrist and is accepting that this is his issue, not something I need to fix. I’ve been researching BDD and there’s not a lot on the by proxy version. Anyone else have any experience with this?? It’s really hard being the person he’s got the dismorphia about. He’s also got depression and anxiety which I think is made worse by the BDD by proxy. Just after some advice if there’s anyone out there with any experience with this.

Caring for parents who refuse to acknowledge depression

replies: 2

I live in a dual living house with my parents. Mum has a brain injury from an accident and struggles with depression. She very high functioning, it’s more her emotions that are effected. I suggest she talk to someone but she gets the shits and brushes me off. Acting like I’m the one at fault. Dad has recently had bladder cancer and is recovering but mum refuses visitors from friends, has become addicted to watching news, and is growing more aggressive. I offer to take her out or call friends and this gets her even more angry. How do you help someone who won’t be helped?

It's at the pointy end

replies: 1

I'm feeling dejected, frustrated, unloved and angry. Just tried to talk to my Partner who has Bipolar 2 but he said "I don't want to talk, I know when I walk away that you're going to think I don't give a -" then walks away after kissing me on the forehead. I don't know whether to stay with him. I'm exhausted and the same old problems keep resurfacing - his selfish spending habits, his drinking, his need to be alone and my frustrated crying. I'm trying to work on my issues but don't feel like he's working on his. I don't feel the issues are ever sorted as he can only talk for a few minutes before going off to "process" what we've spoken about. For the past couple of months we've (mostly me) been setting up a business and our rental lease is up for renewal. We're coming up to almost 2 years together. I am losing my patience and starting to doubt if I can be bothered anymore. He hasn't worked for around 9 months and I've been paying all the bills. As soon as he gets some money, he's off to buy alcohol or something for himself. It'd be nice if he took me on a date instead and paid for it. I feel insecure and unappreciated. When I ask if he still loves me he says "yes". I don't know if I want to go through much more of this. His cycles have become more rapid. There's only days between him being "ok", "depressed" and then his form of "happy" which is usually when he goes for his 4 hour walks on his own ending up at the pub. I rarely see him "happy" when he's with me. He blames me for the problems and says that I'm always crying and that's why he doesn't want to come near me - I'm crying because he doesn't come near me and I know that the bad times are coming again. A couple of horrible weeks when I might as well be invisible, then he's all hugs and love and affection only to head off to his mancave again. He tells me to give him space and if I enter that space trying to talk, he writes horrible notes to me about not being able to be with me anymore..... He says that he'll talk to me when he "comes back". I attempt to talk when he "comes back" but he never wants to discuss the topic that I'm upset about. Yeh, yeh, I know....If his cup is full, it's difficult to let it drain...and I just have to wait it out. What about my needs. What about the times when I feel terrible and just need to talk or a hug and told that I'm loved. Why is it that the carer is never supported? I'm dealing with stuff too!! I constantly feel like the horrible one. HELP!!

Worried about my boyfriend, parents divorce and adhd affecting him

replies: 6

Hi all, My boyfriend has been seeming really depressed lately, I want to help him but I'm not sure how.. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a toddler and has told me he feels trapped. He says ADHD is like lucid dreaming, he's aware of what he's doing, he knows its wrong but no matter how hard he tries he cant stop. His parents divorced when he was in year 2, its really been weighing on him, especially since his dad lives in Singapore and comes to Australia twice a year for a short amount of time. He says his only memories of his parents living together was of them fighting. His sister seems to have been affected by the divorce but in the opposite way, she thinks fighting is normal and regularly starts fights with their mum, which hurts my boyfriend as well. Before he moved to my area, (late 2016-early 17) he had a planned suicide but (obviously) didnt act on it. He said it was because nothing in his life was going right and he was never happy, his parents were divorced, he was moving away from everything, his ADHD was getting worse and harder... That scared me so much.. He tells me he wishes his life was like mine - a complete fairytale family (his words), no family fights and no ADHD. I've been told that its jealousy and I should end the relationship but i love him too much to end it... I really want to help him, i just dont know how.. I got advice from a counsellor on the webchat here (thanks!!) I got advice to direct my bf to counselling or websites for mental health, I just need help on how to support him myself and as much as possible. If you can help me I would appreciate that so much -Kiki

My Husband is Depressed and is now struggling with an ice addiction

replies: 8

my husband and i have been together for 10 years and have two children. his father passed away years ago and thats when he started to struggle. hes always battled with depression since then, and has never got help to cope with it. then 3 years ago he started smoking ice solid for just over a year before that addiction caused a massive rift in our relationship and almost destroyed our family, thats when he came clean about his using ice. he went cold turkey and we managed to come good again (keep in mind hes never got treatment at any stage) then a few months back, he started to change again. this time he became very skinny, on top of the usual paranoia, hes been hallucinating and he believes people are out to get him. finally after an argument he came clean about using it again. but this time it wasn't safe for him to live here and i asked him to move out, and to seek help. we have two small children, and with all the lies and strange behavior i had to protect our kids. he understood. i still love him, i just need him to get better while living somewhere else in the meantime... and while counselors and family have told me ive done the right thing by getting him to move out. i feel like i could have made it worse by doing this and am second guessing my decision, or at least how i did it i dont know.. hes now cut himself almost completely from me and the kids. hes been hanging around the people who do this drug among heavy drinking which is another problem he struggles with. i just want him to get better and come home. but i am so lost as to what to do and how to help him while also protecting our kids.

Do I tell my daughter with BPD to move out

replies: 1

My husband and I don't know what to do. We have three daughter and the middle one has BPD. She is causing so many problems in the house, we have started taking the youngest to speak to someone as she is not coping with it. We only fight over the BPD daughter and how to deal with her. The eldest stays at boyfriends place most nights and only seems to come home to check on youngest sister. BPD daughter has been arrested and has court in March. She is doing a DBT course through headspace and complains how hard it is. She started volunteering and that last two weeks, she broke their door when storming out. We have tried so many things and nothing is ever right. I am just drained and can't cope anymore. Husband used to give into her and has now realised that doesn't work and is just losing it with her. Of course that doesn't work either. We have told her before that she need to look at moving out and it is always turned on us "so your kicking me out, do you want me living on the streets". She doesn't work, she claims she can't, but is fine going out with her friends. For some stupid reason Centrelink has put her on Disability Pension for 6 months, she is good at telling the doctors what they need to hear. I just don't think our family is going to cope much longer with her still living with us. I love her so much, I just hate who she has become with the BPD. Husband and I are finally going to see a councillor this week. We need to learn to work together when we talk to her and how to save our family.

Drug Addiction, recovery & relapses in family & friends- how to cope, support & protect myself!

replies: 2

Hi everyone, Im so new to this so not sure if im in the right forum (please direct me if im not!). My partner is a recovering drug addict and has had a recent slip (relapse? one time use, not sure the correct terminology). Im really struggling to process this, work through it, the trust thats been lost, how to support him while maintaining my own strength and not become absorbed in the situation. Its only very very recent so Im still up and down with emotions. Has anyone else had a partner go through drug addiction and recovery? I really need advice, to hear positive long term recovery stories and support- not looking for negative opinions, or advice to walk away, as at this point, its not something i want to consider but my heart is breaking....

My girlfriend's mental health is worrying me, she's breaking down quite regularly but cant seem to talk about why at all.

replies: 4

I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now and she's told me about having anxiety and depression which I understand because I suffer with both myself, but she seems to struggle talking about specifics in terms of what is going on in her life and how she is feeling. The break downs tend to be soon before she has to leave my place or face a task. We spend most weekends together but lately it seems like every Sunday she gets down about facing the week ahead. She basically gets to a point where she will just be in my bed staring into space, with tears streaming down her face and when I ask her what is going on she cant find the words like there is a mental block. I hug her and try make he feel better as best I can and just sit with her but I feel quite lost with what to do. She is also currently doing her masters thesis which is super stressful and from what I can gather is very burnt out from it all. I try and be as supportive as possible but I dont really know how to help or know what to do without someone talking to me about what is going on and how they are feeling. I know she has been through some pretty major trauma in past relationships and has told me bits and pieces so I can understand why she struggles opening up to people. As someone who has been to therapy myself I really think she could benefit from it, but she struggles to talk to anyone at all (me, her friends, her family etc) about what is going on in her head and convincing her that therapy would be a good idea seems like an impossible task because she doesn't think she needs it or can afford. My current tactic is just to be there, hold her hand, give her tissues, somewhat guess what is going on inside her head and say things like "I care about you" "its ok, let it out" "when you're ready to vent Im here" etc. Does anyone have any advice on what more I could do to help support her?

Advice for ways to help newly diognosed partner. BPD 1.

replies: 2

My partner was diognosed with Bipolar 1 about 3 months ago. It was both a sad and relieving diognosis. Since then we have had some highs (medication that appeared to cure his chronic anxiety and lift his mood) and lows (a 2hr panic attack, this first he has had). I want to know what others have done that works to manage bipolar and I'm particularly interested in hearing if people have had a good experience with networking groups (if they even exist). My partner is a little socially isolated and I think a group could do wonders for him to socialise more and feel more normal. Im keen to meet other people in my position. Also keen to hear of any daily practices our routines anyone encourages a family member with BPD1 to do.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

When they won’t help themselves and you’ve done everything you can replies: 1

Husband with body dismorphia disorder by proxy replies: 2

Caring for parents who refuse to acknowledge depression replies: 2

It's at the pointy end replies: 1

Worried about my boyfriend, parents divorce and adhd affecting him replies: 6

My Husband is Depressed and is now struggling with an ice addiction replies: 8

Do I tell my daughter with BPD to move out replies: 1

Drug Addiction, recovery & relapses in family & friends- how to cope, support & protect myself! replies: 2

My girlfriend's mental health is worrying me, she's breaking down quite regularly but cant seem to talk about why at all. replies: 4

Advice for ways to help newly diognosed partner. BPD 1. replies: 2