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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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sally53 Need help! Worried about daughter
  • replies: 2

My daughter who has just turned 19 has social anxiety and depression. Apart from us, her 23 yearly boyfriend and a few loose uni contacts she is socially isolated. My husband and I over the last few months have become gravely concerned for her due he... View more

My daughter who has just turned 19 has social anxiety and depression. Apart from us, her 23 yearly boyfriend and a few loose uni contacts she is socially isolated. My husband and I over the last few months have become gravely concerned for her due her relationship with her boyfriend. Initially we thought her boyfriend seemed great, we opened your house to him although he never really interacted with us. A couple of months into the relationship he cheated on our daughter while he was high on ecstasy. My daughter went to the bar and when she came back, he was making out with another girl. My daughter left, he followed, a fight ensued, and he threatened to kill himself. My daughter decided to forgive him, and we supported her decision. He also promised he would never take ecstasy again. Fast forwards a few months, her boyfriend goes out, my daughter gets a call from his friend wondering if she knows where her boyfriend is. He has taken ecstasy again, gone missing in action for a few hours and cannot give her a credible story of what’s happened. Again she forgives him. Problems continue. We have asked our daughter to tell him not to bring alcohol into our house because it creates chaos when they drink. He disregards this and brings it anyway so we have said he can longer stay the night. He turns this back on us telling her we are controlling and that she needs to be more adult and not follow our rules, this has created a lot of conflict. He has driven while drunk with her, told her she needs to give him 48 hours notice if she wants to see him, berated her for drinking but then encourages her to drink a couple days later even though she has told him she can’t handle it. He gets moody if she doesn’t comply with him to the point where she is fearful to tell him if she is doing something for example meeting up with the social anxiety group she has recently joined. If she is spending time with me he gets annoyed so she tends not to tell him as there will be constant messages from him and often he has a crisis that she then needs to help with. He has gone through her phone without permission and also not been there for her when she’s told him her mental health is bad, the list goes on. Her mental heath has really deteriorated in the last few months, self-harming and had made an attempt on her life. I don’t know how to help her anymore. She is literally self destructing and I'm scared.

Rose2001 Helping my man long-distance
  • replies: 3

Ok so I’ve been seeing this guy for a while, I really like him but I never get to talk to him. I’m lucky if I get to talk to him once a week and when I do it’s “hey how are you how is everything I miss you” and that’s it. At the moment he’s a 5 hour ... View more

Ok so I’ve been seeing this guy for a while, I really like him but I never get to talk to him. I’m lucky if I get to talk to him once a week and when I do it’s “hey how are you how is everything I miss you” and that’s it. At the moment he’s a 5 hour drive away staying with his mum. He’s told me before that his mum has cancer, and I know recently she had a stroke. He’s shut me out and I get it but it’s really hard for me. I’m turning 18 on Tuesday and I cannot enjoy myself at any party’s I go to because I’m missing him and not able to crack on with anyone. I guess I’m just asking for advice on how to cope with missing him and how to support him from a distance when he’s shut me out and I don’t get to speak to him

Stormi Help...advice on helping my partner get through a really tough time.
  • replies: 9

Hi, first time posting. I'm after we advice on helping my partner get through a really tough time. Background story, my partners dad recently passed away. It's been extremely hard on him. They didn't have the best relationship his dad was tough on hi... View more

Hi, first time posting. I'm after we advice on helping my partner get through a really tough time. Background story, my partners dad recently passed away. It's been extremely hard on him. They didn't have the best relationship his dad was tough on him. In an odd way there was love. Anything I do or say is wrong! I've developed a migraine, I've never suffered from migraines before. The first thing the doctor said was have you had any stress recently ?! I could have just broke down and cried there and then. I love him so much, it kills me that I can't take his pain away. He said last night his had enough. I complain to much and his hit rock bottom, and broke up with me. Yet didn't want me to do anywhere. We shared our bed and went to sleep next to each other. I am lost, I have no idea what to do. I've suggested he / we speck to someone. He refuses. I feel like an emotional punching bag. There's no intermincy to help cover up the tears. I'm just raw. Any insight is more then welcome. Thank you.

StillNewToThis Burnout from partner's depression?
  • replies: 1

Hi, I haven't been here in a while. Life has been very busy and largely going okayish (no really bad episodes). But recently, I've just been feeling very tired and flat. As a bit of a background, my wife has BPD, in the past she has been suicidal wit... View more

Hi, I haven't been here in a while. Life has been very busy and largely going okayish (no really bad episodes). But recently, I've just been feeling very tired and flat. As a bit of a background, my wife has BPD, in the past she has been suicidal with roughly seven (thankfully unsuccessful) suicide attempts in the last seven years that I've been with her. She swings a bit between depression and anxiety, but currently it seems to mainly be depression. She used to talk to me about how she's doing, but stopped that some time ago and gets extremely defensive when I ask, or worse yet, suggest that we go to the psychiatrist, that she hasn't been to in at least six months, but probably much longer than that. Our relationship currently isn't very good and I think some of that might be my fault as well. She's EXTREMELY negative and I, as a naturally positive person, find this very hard to deal with. If I fix something that she has wanted to be fixed for a while, I sometimes get a very brief "thanks", but it's usually followed by her complaining that I didn't do X, Y and Z. I'm really struggling with this and while I'm naturally definitely more of a lazy person, I just feel like this zaps all my energy and it's hard to motivate myself to do things that we want done if I know she's just going to complain about something afterwards regardless. I should mention that we also have a two year old son whom we both love, but he's not an easy child. He's very fixated on me, which she finds very hard to deal with. If she picks him up, he'll ask for me most of the time. Does anyone have any tips on how I can deal with my wife a bit better? Also, would there happen to be any support meetings for people with partners/family with BPD?

RubyDiamonds Losing hope
  • replies: 2

My partner has been suffering from anxiety for a few years now. He refuses to see anyone for it, won’t talk to anyone and has ruled out medication. His anxiety is debilitating and affects all parts of our lives. I’m beginning to resent the fact that ... View more

My partner has been suffering from anxiety for a few years now. He refuses to see anyone for it, won’t talk to anyone and has ruled out medication. His anxiety is debilitating and affects all parts of our lives. I’m beginning to resent the fact that I am the only one dealing with this. It's a lot for me to deal with on top of my career, my own health problems and general life. He refuses to reach out to friends and family. I’ve tried speaking with them myself to get them involved but they just sort of come and go. I feel isolated, alone, and scared for the future. I feel like I’m suffocating and that it is not fair for me to be shouldering the full load of this situation to a point that my own life and health are suffering. I’m not a professional, I’m his girlfriend. I can only love and support him which I do in bucket-loads. My life currently revolves around him. I have to constantly check in on him when I’m at work and have dropped everything else in my life. I’ve even had to cancel and cut short some work trips because he’s been in such a bad way. He seems to think his mental health problems are just going to disappear on their own or that he should just give up entirely (he floats between these two extremes). It’s getting worse and I feel myself pulling further and further away because I don’t want him to rely solely on me. He needs serious professional help. I told him if he doesn’t get help that our relationship will probably not survive. It’s not my proudest moment and I feel guilty for being so blunt but I feel it’s the truth and it’s coming from a place of love (tough love) because I want him to get better. I just can’t see myself coping like this much longer. It’s too much for me. I want him to understand that he needs to try everything and to stop ruling things out before giving them a go. When I told him we may not survive he said that there’s no point in trying then because without me he’s got no reason to live. He then broke down and begged me not to ever leave him. I reinforced that I need to see him taking some serious steps towards TRYING to get better. I just want to see him putting in effort but he still hasn’t made any appointments or accepted my suggestions to take action. I’ve offered to make and go to appointments with him but he just doesn’t respond to me or says (usually angrily) “you're not listening to me! I know none of that will work for me”. Am I being unreasonable? I feel like a monster.

brokenheartedandlost Lost the love of my life and best friend.
  • replies: 10

G’day, Ive looked at beyondblue in the past but never thought I’d have to post something on here. I’m a bit lost and am just trying to find someways to help me get through life at the moment. I’ve been with my wife for the last 13 years(since I was 2... View more

G’day, Ive looked at beyondblue in the past but never thought I’d have to post something on here. I’m a bit lost and am just trying to find someways to help me get through life at the moment. I’ve been with my wife for the last 13 years(since I was 21 and she was 19) and married for the 8 of them. We have always been great friends as well as partners and said what made us great was we were a team, getting through everything together. We have both had a tough time in the last year. My wife especially has been very depressed(undiagnosed)the last 10-12 months. Last year my wife’s family friend killed himself. A week later my best friends sister died randomly in her sleep from an undiagnosed rare heart condition. A month later her pop died. Then 2 days before Xmas my shooting coach passed away. Then her grandma left us a few months back and 2 weeks ago my father in laws best friend died. She also left her job as a manager of a cafe. To get out of that industry, she is opening her own business tending gardens for people. she’s always had a drinking problem, her whole family are heavy drinkers and it’s how she’s grown up. Any social occasion, sunny day, knock off from work, holidays, any excuse really, ends up involving alcohol. When she finished her job she started drinking heavily and locked herself away from me. Emotionally and physically. We haven’t slept in the same bed since March and she hardly talks to me. She became increasingly angry at me and every time we tried to talk she’d yell and storm off. I struggled with it because I could never ask enough questions to understand why she was so upset and angry. There were a few small issues but don’t have enough space here to discuss everything atm. a months ago we had a discussion about it all and I felt a lot better about the situation and felt we had bridged a gap and we’re moving forward. She even said when she’s back at work she’ll feel better, drink less and I felt she’d have a clearer mind. Sleeping in. Drinking all day. Getting a terrible sleep each night from the alcohol. And being by herself has been very destructive for her. 5 days ago we had a chat and she said “I don’t see the point. I’m done.” I asked what she meant and she said were different people and she doesn’t want to be here anymore. she wants to get divorced. this whole time she’s felt terrible I’ve suggested seeing someone but she’s not willing to do it. i feel her drinking is clouding her mind but she won’t listen to me.

Pimsy Husband has PTSD and physical disabilities
  • replies: 1

Hello. I'm a male originally from America, but I moved to Australia 5 years ago to be with my now husband (I'll call him George). I knew he had PTSD from prior abuse but it was under control when I first arrived. All was well until George had a fall ... View more

Hello. I'm a male originally from America, but I moved to Australia 5 years ago to be with my now husband (I'll call him George). I knew he had PTSD from prior abuse but it was under control when I first arrived. All was well until George had a fall in a public area. His injuries were severe enough that he required two shoulder surgeries, and also has foot issues that need addressing. His GP at the time did not take the injuries seriously, so tests were not immediately ordered. Over the last few years, he's gotten progressively worse. His PTSD has been exacerbated by both his injuries and our confrontational duplex neighbour, who bullies George because she thinks he's a "nutjob." Dealing with her and the Strata managers has led to much anxiety and stress for both of us. We got George onto the NDIS, but thanks to inadequate support coordination and underfunding have gotten precious little out of them. He's constantly dealing with incompetence and winds up doing their job for them, except they get paid and he gets nothing but stress. With George's limitations, I'm serving as his full-time carer and am unable to seek work (all I'd be earning would go to a nurse for him anyway right now). The bad days are beginning to outnumber the good, and with my family in the states and few friends nearby, it all falls back onto me. Recently, a failed nerve block injection injured his trapezius, and he's been in excruciating pain for over a month. He's so unsteady that I usually have to hold him while he walks, and lying down to sleep in any position makes the pain worse. He's fallen off the couch twice in the past few days and actually wet himself before he could summon me with his LiveLife alarm. I'm still trying to get the carpet clean. With all my attention turned to George, our house is falling into disrepair. I'm also having to look after our two dogs, who started fighting after George's injury and now must be kept separated at all times. Finding a temporary home for one of them is something we want to do, but we can't seem to get anything done with these constant setbacks. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this alone, but good help is hard to find and we can't afford most options. I'm beginning to fear we'll never manage to turn our lives around and get George better. I want to believe it, but I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed time and time again. Please, does anyone have any advice? We need help, and fast. Thank you.

Bonnie15 My husband cries uncontrollably with depression
  • replies: 3

My husband has major depression and at times cries uncontrollably. Unfortunately I don't know what to do and feel totally helpless. The only thing I feel I can do is hold him until his sobs subside. His DNA (which we have had tested) prohibits him fr... View more

My husband has major depression and at times cries uncontrollably. Unfortunately I don't know what to do and feel totally helpless. The only thing I feel I can do is hold him until his sobs subside. His DNA (which we have had tested) prohibits him from getting any relief from medication - nothing seems to work. We are about to undertake ECT treatment with all fingers and toes crossed in the hope he can get some relief from the massive pain he feels. He's a broken man and it's so very, very sad to see a fun person with such a loving and caring personality destroyed by such an insidious disease. Does anyone have anything I can do to be of more support to this darling man. Thank you, Bonnie.

Kat64 My son has C PTSD
  • replies: 6

Hi everyone hope you are all doing ok My son is 17 years old he has C-PTSD from childhood trauma as we where a bad relationship with his dad / my ex I have been with counsellors for years but its hard because my son has self eletive mutism and wont s... View more

Hi everyone hope you are all doing ok My son is 17 years old he has C-PTSD from childhood trauma as we where a bad relationship with his dad / my ex I have been with counsellors for years but its hard because my son has self eletive mutism and wont speak to counsellors he wont open up to anyone and refuses to let anyone in.. im the only one he talks to but only about general things... Is this total shutting down and refusing to let anyone help him part of CPTSD ??? Thank for taking the time to read this

Amber_Bui Recurring Anxiety in Uni
  • replies: 2

Hi Everyone, This thread isn't about me though I'm anxious most of the time, too. It's about someone I love and care for. He often gets uni-related anxiety. And the issue worsens during exam periods. He failed a subject in his second year due to pers... View more

Hi Everyone, This thread isn't about me though I'm anxious most of the time, too. It's about someone I love and care for. He often gets uni-related anxiety. And the issue worsens during exam periods. He failed a subject in his second year due to personal issues including separation anxiety; and constantly feels anxious since then. He thinks he's not smart enough and does not study hard enough to pass the exams. And failing rate of the degree that he's taking is freaking him out. Personally, I don't see any issues with his ability to do well in school. I really want to help him. Especially he still has 1.5 years to go. He has seen a GP and tried taking the medication but the side effects are screwing up with his cognitive functionality, making him feel unwell. If you've been through this or know how to help to better the problem, please let me know. Thank you!!!