Boyfriend severely depressed for 2 years after loss of his best friend. How can I help?

[uzukaki01]

Hi, I came across the beyond blue thread and I really appreciate people responding to the forums.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. He lost his best friend 2 months before we got together so I know he was in a dark place.

Every time I'm with him, there's literally nothing wrong - he appears to be happy but I know he is depressed. He doesn't open up to me because he's scared that he'll hurt me and everyone around us - but recently, he opened up and told me how he wants to visit his best friend (who passed away) because he was the only person who really understood him. He's been to therapy, counselling and a psychologist but he says they don't help. He almost had a suicide attempt a couple weeks ago when no one was around and told me only a few days ago (near 6th attempt). He talks about killing himself just to see his best friend because he misses him so much. I don't know how to assist him in closure.

We haven't been intimate for 2 months and it's because his depression has really hit hard. I've tried researching depression and getting into the details of it, best approach to help him, etc. But he doesn't feel comfortable talking to people about his thoughts because he fears he'll bother them.

He remains affectionate and still loves me (I believe). How do I address this issue, given that he refuses to seek help?

[Wazowski]

Hi uzukaki01,

I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend lost his best friend and is still finding it hard to deal with the grief. It is clear that you love him very much, and are trying to find the best ways to help in this difficult time, which is especially evident in you reaching out to the Beyond Blue community and researching depression. Grief is a different process for everyone, and for some it may take longer than for others. It sounds like your boyfriend has sought a lot of help, seeing psychologists and psychiatrists, but is still struggling. I know it feels like you aren’t doing much, but you are just by being there for him, letting him know he can talk to you about anything, and loving him. Even though he hasn’t been showing much intimacy lately, that is the depression talking, and I am sure that he is appreciative of all the support you have provided to him. There is no easy cure, so all I can suggest is to keep doing what you’re doing.

If he is still struggling with suicidal thoughts, but doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it, Lifeline (13 11 14) is a good option. It is a 24/7 helpline where he can remain anonymous, and can call when everything becomes too overwhelming.

It is also important that you look after yourself in the process. Remember to engage in self-care regularly, which may be meditation, going for a walk, reading a book – anything you enjoy doing! Also make sure that you have some support, and don’t be afraid to reach out to family or friends. It is important that you don’t compromise your own mental health for the sake of supporting your partner.

Take care,
Wazowski