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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Audrey17 Not sure what to do
  • replies: 1

My husband of 7 yrs has depression I came home after working away for 3 mths and knew something was wrong On asking he told me he was feeling down and had made an appointment to see the gp and psych. She told him that he's in a bad place in his head ... View more

My husband of 7 yrs has depression I came home after working away for 3 mths and knew something was wrong On asking he told me he was feeling down and had made an appointment to see the gp and psych. She told him that he's in a bad place in his head and needs to stop thinking about it and has put strategies in place to help him. The problem is he's not suppose to talk to me about how he's feeling. The problem is he's distant and I feel on my own. There's no affection I feel like I need to be careful about what I say and do and take on more of the household chores. I'm also worried that he might look outside of our marriage as he did to an extent when he was depressed this bad before. I don't know what to do or how to behave. There's no affection or intimacy between us and I don't know what to do to fix it or if I can. Can you please give me some guidance

Thea4 Please help me, help him
  • replies: 1

My husband and I have been together for 12 years (married for 4yrs). 7 months ago I became unwell myself with psychotic depression and OCD. My husband supported me throughout admissions and while I was off work. I’m now really well and back at work f... View more

My husband and I have been together for 12 years (married for 4yrs). 7 months ago I became unwell myself with psychotic depression and OCD. My husband supported me throughout admissions and while I was off work. I’m now really well and back at work full-time however in the last week he has been very distant. He then expressed that he feels low, is not sleeping well, has been isolating himself and told me he wants to be alone. Last night he said that he no longer wants to be together as he feels things changed since I became unwell and has been feeling this way for the last few months. He stated he was unhappy, he feels lost and feels as though our relationship has changed. I’m absolutely heartbroken, shocked and empty. I don’t know what to do, as I’m concerned he is depressed and not dealing with things and doesn’t really mean what he has said. But then it is really hard living with someone you love who tells you they don’t want to be with you nor do they want to spend time with you. I just really want him to be his happy self but it’s hard when he’s pushing me away. It’s taking a toll on my own mental health and I feel as though I have nothing without him in my life.. just really struggling right now.

AYRC Look after yourself whilst helping others + cultural differences
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum and I wanted to share my story. I have a younger sister in high school who has struggled with anxiety and depression for over 3 years now. As an older sister, it was hard to see her so torn down. Seeing someone you l... View more

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum and I wanted to share my story. I have a younger sister in high school who has struggled with anxiety and depression for over 3 years now. As an older sister, it was hard to see her so torn down. Seeing someone you love have frequent severe panic attacks is frightening. It's difficult to watch or even comprehend what they are going through in that moment. What I found the most difficult though, was watching my parents' reaction to their daughter's declining mental health. Some cultures seem to have better acceptance and less stigma surrounding mental health. Growing up in an Asian household, I found that my family was often ashamed to admit that we had someone in the household struggling with anxiety and depression. When my sister first showed symptoms, they were confused and refused to believe that she needed help or that she had a mental health disorder. I was in my senior years of high-school when this was happening. I juggled the stresses and pressures of being a teen, studying for final year 12 exams and being heavily involved in music programs. I kept pushing myself to be the strong one in the family. I'd talk to my sister about her feelings, I'd stay with my parents and made sure they were okay if I saw them crying and tried to educate them a little about mental health, and how it was ok that my sister needed help, and it was ok if they also needed help for themselves. Whilst doing all this, I had forgotten to look after myself. I was diagnosed with anxiety in year 11 and I struggled to stay in full classes before having to run out since I didn't want anyone to see me crying. But- I want to give some hope. Things can and do get better. My sister is doing a lot better and is slowly but surely improving her mental health. I've sought out help for myself and my high-school teachers and psychologist were amazing in supporting me. I'm now doing great and am studying Psychology at university because I wanted to be of much help as possible to others going through a similar experience. I'm enjoying the course so much. My parents are my sister's no. 1 supporters and they'd do anything to provide her with services to help her recover. I guess what I want to say is this- breaking down the stigma of mental health and talking about it is so important to start the recovery process. It's ok to need help. I'm not a professional or clinical psychologist, but I'm willing to have a chat and give some comfort to anyone needing it

Puppies Asperger’s And Relationships
  • replies: 6

Hello. My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. We’ve been doing long distance for most of that time. We’ve recently started looking at rental properties and sorting ourselves to move in together. I got a job 3 months ago up where he a... View more

Hello. My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. We’ve been doing long distance for most of that time. We’ve recently started looking at rental properties and sorting ourselves to move in together. I got a job 3 months ago up where he and his family live. I’ve basically been living in his family’s home with him for the last 3 months. We’ve had a few issues previously where little things may trigger him and he wants to separate because he can’t deal with it. Usually after a few days or a couple of weeks he’s ready to talk and wishes to still be together. This is occurring again. Although this time I think I’m understanding it more as it could be his mild Asperger’s which has never actually been discussed in depth. A few psychologists mentioned it but he didn’t go back. Right now I’m back in my family’s home, waiting to hear from him. Sometimes I feel like I won’t hear from him again and other times I feel like I will. I think my main reason for this post is to see if anyone else has a partner with Asperger’s or if you are the partner with Asperger’s, and how do you deal with it? How do you move forward together in life when your partner may not like change? I miss him a lot. Ive packed all my things up that were in his house as if I’m not going back. I’m very worried that this is the end as I don’t want it to be. Some people tell me it’s not healthy for me as he’s so up and down sometimes. The last 6 months have been great and his depression and anxiety were almost non existent. Then suddenly he tells me he doesn’t see a future together, doesn’t see us getting married etc. Any help would be great - thank you puppies

MrsFong Caring for family’s mental health is ruining my own.
  • replies: 3

Hi, I’m new to forums and just need to get this out of my head and into words. My husband began to have episodes of severe anxiety a few years ago. He sees his GP often and a psychologist intermittently and is on a medication, but recently his anxiet... View more

Hi, I’m new to forums and just need to get this out of my head and into words. My husband began to have episodes of severe anxiety a few years ago. He sees his GP often and a psychologist intermittently and is on a medication, but recently his anxiety has become worse and he has been suffering with depression. It’s excruciating seeing him in pain and not able to understand why he is feeling like he is. He has said that he has had thoughts of hurting himself which terrify him and myself. He wants to get help but I think that when things calm down and he feels better he lets it slide until the next time he begins feeling worse again. I am also caring for a younger brother who is struggling with a narcotic addiction. Our parents are not close to us and a large part of his care has fallen to me. It’s been the most tiring experience when someone I love dearly is In the grips of an addiction. Everything he says to me is a manipulation or nasty and I feel as though I have lost my baby brother for ever. Being the support for my husband who just seems to be getting worse and my brother who constantly pushes me away is so tiring. I have my own struggles with OCD, anxiety and depression, and I feel so overwhelmed and I feel as though I don’t know how to take care of myself when my immediate impulse is to care more for those around me. I don’t want to add my own problems to my husbands for fear he will worry about telling me when he is really low and try to keep it to himself. I just feel as though I’m slipping through cracks of my own mental health. Its very tiring.

Lee22 Supporting teenager with depression- helping her to set boundaries with friends
  • replies: 8

Hi all, I have a 13 year old daughter who has had a past history of anxiety and a year ago was diagnosed with depression. She has always had a large circle of friends but this has decreased in numbers as groups have segregated in smaller cliques. My ... View more

Hi all, I have a 13 year old daughter who has had a past history of anxiety and a year ago was diagnosed with depression. She has always had a large circle of friends but this has decreased in numbers as groups have segregated in smaller cliques. My daughter has confided in a few of them and has recently discovered that secrets have been shared. Her friends have no insight into depression and often tell her she has nothing to be upset about because "her life is perfect". My daughter is on a roller coaster and peer relationships are so important that she is reluctant to set boundaries in fear of losing her friends and being alone. Some of the things these girls are saying is appalling and I find it very difficult not to insist that she doesn't see or communicate with them. Anyone going through the same things and have any advice?

KP_2014 Husbands anxiety/depression isn't improving
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I have been with my husband for 9 years and we have a 3 year old child together. After the birth of our son he was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. Prior to that he had seen a psychogist with some success but he only attended a f... View more

Hi all, I have been with my husband for 9 years and we have a 3 year old child together. After the birth of our son he was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. Prior to that he had seen a psychogist with some success but he only attended a few sessions. He is on medication but that has had its ups and downs with side effects ranging from being physically ill to low sex drive which he really struggles with. I feel like he is slipping again. Our GP has discussed how he was doing okay but he would ideally like to see a lift in his happiness and wellbeing not merely a stable average point, he has also encouraged him to seek counselling etc but my husband won't. When I try to broach this topic he gets angrg and defensive. When I try to ask how he feels about his medication he just shrugs it off and disengages. He started his own business but it has died off. I explained if he isn't contributing to our family financially I do not feel negatively about that, but do expect him to contribute around the home. He doesnt. I am exhausted. I work full time, am the only one who takes our son out anywhere, I do all the household work... I am at the point of total exhaustion. I just want some engagement from him, some sign he wants to be present with our little family. I get nothing except shutdown and arguments which are getting more cold, detached and hurtful. I know I can't do the work for him but I am struggling with him not wanting to do the work for himself. I have explained how I feel but when I do he says I am attacking him and he feels hurt and abused. I don't think I have used language that portrays it in that way, but he makes me doubt myself so I have stopped saying anything. But as we all know it gets bottled up and explodes and both of us makes zero sense of anything. I don't want to break up our family, I am also very stubborn. I just don't know what to do from here. Any advice is much appreciated, thank you in advance.

KFry Overwhelmed & Falling Asleep
  • replies: 3

Help please! looking for some help my husband has anxiety, it started a few years back when he use to throw up his food, he would get anxiety that we were leaving the house and that he won’t be close to a toilet so he would throw up prior to leaving.... View more

Help please! looking for some help my husband has anxiety, it started a few years back when he use to throw up his food, he would get anxiety that we were leaving the house and that he won’t be close to a toilet so he would throw up prior to leaving. I have been saying to him for a couple of years that he has anxiety. His finally admitted that he did have eating disorder. Currently on anti-anxiety medication. He gets so overwhelmed with the day that anywhere between 4-6pm he turns into what I call “moods” where basically he looks, sounds and acts drunk. His eyes are glassy, can’t walk straight and slurs his words. He struggles to stay awake and I have to put him to bed each night. Maybe once a week he can stay up until 9pm. Within 1-2 hrs of him being asleep he “wakes” up to go to the toilet. Basically like sleep walking and talking, he can’t manage to make out anything. He yells and screams, if I get angry with him he will try and talk to me, his called me all sorts of names and even pushed me to the ground, has no recalection of anything the next morning. His gone to a psychiatrist a few times but it doesn’t seem to help. I’m over dealing with him basically being a baby or drunk person that I have to deal with every night.

TrfrmBne How do I help my brother serious mental illness?
  • replies: 3

Hi all I’ll try to describe the situation and keep it short and concise. My brother has been battling depression/mental health from the age of 17 (as to what I can tell). He is now 33. He was a talented, popular, life of the party, good looking bloke... View more

Hi all I’ll try to describe the situation and keep it short and concise. My brother has been battling depression/mental health from the age of 17 (as to what I can tell). He is now 33. He was a talented, popular, life of the party, good looking bloke, a ‘natural’ at all board sports and a great musician. He finished high school at the age of 17 then completed a 4 year Electrical apprenticeship. Toward the end of the apprenticeship the early signs of low self esteem were beginning. Always doubting himself, asking family members if he 'was an idiot' or 'sounded like a dickhead’. He completed the apprenticeship but has not worked since. Lives with my parents in the same bedroom he grew up in. His daily routine is this: sleep until midday, drink 1 litre of coffee, go back to his room, closed the door, closed the blinds until dark. Once complete darkness, he takes the family dogs for a walk for 1 hour. Sometimes taking a skateboard with him. Then eats dinner that my mother cooks by himself in his room. He has a tablet with wifi. But other than that I cannot get into the room (he locks it) to see what else it in there. He never goes out in public. He rarely talks to my parents. I feel like my parents are “enabling” him to continue this down this path. They feel that he is going to “snap out of it” one day and that is all that can be done. They provide him kind of healthy food, fuel, a car and free rent. He is incredibly skinny almost malnourished. He has not communicated with me in years, despite my calls, txts & emails. I have been to multiple mental health facilities here in Australia over the years to see what can be done. I have been told that unless he is physically hurting himself or others there is legally nothing that I can do. I feel it has been long enough and some drastic change has to occur, eg get the men in the white coats to forcibly remove him to a mental health facitliy. Whether or not that is a good idea, I am not sure. I have been living in a different city and overseas, but try to visit as much as I can. Has anyone else been in this situation and is there anything I can do to help? Thank you

Smc19 New and just feeling overwhelmed with pressure
  • replies: 3

Hi I’m a mum of 3 beautiful child age 5,2 & 10 months I mainly came on this as I’m just feeling very overwhelmed & unsupported, my main thing is I feel anixous, guilty I overthink, I feel like a bad mother, a bad wife & I bottle it all up, my parents... View more

Hi I’m a mum of 3 beautiful child age 5,2 & 10 months I mainly came on this as I’m just feeling very overwhelmed & unsupported, my main thing is I feel anixous, guilty I overthink, I feel like a bad mother, a bad wife & I bottle it all up, my parents live in Ireland my husband and his mum dad really great people but any talk of emotion they go silent. i haven’t slept a full night in 10 months, my 10 month old wakes up 2-5 times a night, my 5 year old sets the bed once most nights & my 2 year old wakes for the day at 5am, i do do feel the lack of sleep is having a huge effect on my mental health, my husband goes to martial arts classes a few a week and is now talking about playing 5 aside for 2 hours, I really am always so supportive as he gets depressed and need to be social & his passion is martial arts, I’m always the strong one giving positive advise, he’s got a fear of becoming sick so I’m forever reassuring him he’s ok, I get up early 9 times out of 10 so he can have a rest as I feel he’s less grumpy if he gets the extra hour or 2. he wants me to try and make money on the side so he invested in a few things for me to sell but honestly I feel useless as I just don’t feel very confident or focused,I think I’ve just came to breaking point, I started a gym a few weeks back and it’s a lovely environment but even when I’m up doing yoga I feel guilty for leaving them in the crèche? My youngest just cries as one time I let him in when he was napping and he woke to me not being there so since he roars going in. my husband has Ben sick for a few days and his complaining has really gotten to me as he complains a lot and doesn’t go to the drs, so I have been off with him so today he says he needs to talk to me & tells me I need to go back to the way I was before my mum & dad visited back in March, he said I need to get more organised I took this really bad as I literally can’t get my head to get enough to focus on anything other than feeding our household doing the washing cleaning school run park dates and bits in between my children are always well presented with full bellies and I try my best to make their days fun, this was like a huge slap in the face, I felt like why can’t he just give me a hug and ask am I ok? Anyway my response was hot headed I told him he needed to stop moping about too he said he’s not ok with me like this that he can’t be ok that I have to be the level headed one. so basically I have to always be strong? I’m lost