Not sure what to do

[Audrey17]

My husband of 7 yrs has depression I came home after working away for 3 mths and knew something was wrong
On asking he told me he was feeling down and had made an appointment to see the gp and psych. She told him that he's in a bad place in his head and needs to stop thinking about it and has put strategies in place to help him. The problem is he's not suppose to talk to me about how he's feeling. The problem is he's distant and I feel on my own. There's no affection I feel like I need to be careful about what I say and do and take on more of the household chores. I'm also worried that he might look outside of our marriage as he did to an extent when he was depressed this bad before. I don't know what to do or how to behave.

There's no affection or intimacy between us and I don't know what to do to fix it or if I can. Can you please give me some guidance

[therising]

Hi Audrey17

Sorry to hear you're both going through the challenges of depression. For the partner of someone experiencing depression those challenges can be enormous.

For the person experiencing depression, there is a temptation to look beyond what is 'healthy', in order to feel different, from the painful norm of depression. Turning to alcohol, drugs, an affair and so on turns out to be more destructive than constructive when it comes to trying to change the mind.

With the 'mind' defined as 'the brain at work', there's so much more to work than thoughts and emotion. Chemistry plays a major role when it comes to why the brain's not working in positive ways. Googling 'The 4 chemicals for happiness' may give you some insight when it comes to why your husband's brain is doing what it's doing. There are a number of positive ways to tweak the chemistry in depression. Whilst some people achieve a difference through diet (the mind-gut connection) and exercise, others will find a positive difference through medication. Some folk will achieve the difference through conscious thinking practices, seeing thoughts have the power to change our chemistry. In this area, it becomes about identifying key issues and reprogramming the brain through CBT, Emotional Intelligence exercises and so on. Instead of our brain taking us for what feels like some out of control ride, these therapies teach us how to 'drive' the brain.

Whether we're talking about the person experiencing depression or their support team, education becomes key to making a positive difference. Instead of identifying our self through depression (I am hopeless, I am unmotivated, I am unlovable and so on), with education we can begin identifying why the brain and body are doing what they're doing. And instead of constantly longing to experience a highly spirited energetic sense of self, we can recognise that the kind of energy happening in the mind and the body ties in with the energy experienced in feeling more connected to life (spirit).

So, this is a chance to 'play detective'. Finding out what works for your husband will rely on investigation and education. There may be a few false leads here and there throughout the process of finding what works and what doesn't but that doesn't take away from your empowering identity as 'detective'. Whether help is found through a therapist, a dietician, a personal trainer or medication or all of them put together, healthy changes can make a positive difference.

Take care