Caring for family’s mental health is ruining my own.

[MrsFong]

Hi, I’m new to forums and just need to get this out of my head and into words.

My husband began to have episodes of severe anxiety a few years ago. He sees his GP often and a psychologist intermittently and is on a medication, but recently his anxiety has become worse and he has been suffering with depression. It’s excruciating seeing him in pain and not able to understand why he is feeling like he is. He has said that he has had thoughts of hurting himself which terrify him and myself. He wants to get help but I think that when things calm down and he feels better he lets it slide until the next time he begins feeling worse again.

I am also caring for a younger brother who is struggling with a narcotic addiction. Our parents are not close to us and a large part of his care has fallen to me. It’s been the most tiring experience when someone I love dearly is In the grips of an addiction. Everything he says to me is a manipulation or nasty and I feel as though I have lost my baby brother for ever.

Being the support for my husband who just seems to be getting worse and my brother who constantly pushes me away is so tiring. I have my own struggles with OCD, anxiety and depression, and I feel so overwhelmed and I feel as though I don’t know how to take care of myself when my immediate impulse is to care more for those around me. I don’t want to add my own problems to my husbands for fear he will worry about telling me when he is really low and try to keep it to himself.

I just feel as though I’m slipping through cracks of my own mental health.

Its very tiring.

[White_Rose]

Dear MrsFong

Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to post as many have similar experiences to you and can offer you tips. I can appreciate how difficult this is for you and how hard it is to care for family instead of yourself.

May I ask a couple of questions? No need to answer if you prefer. Does your brother live with you? If so this must be uncomfortable for both you and your husband. If not, does he live with your parents? Why do you feel you must care for him? I understand you love your brother but it seems unreasonable that you are carrying the load of his care especially with other calls on your life.

Caring for others at your expense is hard especially when you also have needs. I would like you to consider the effect of this on your husband and yourself. Although we are (generally) programmed to care it can make this situation worse. Neglecting your own health will eventually impact your brother and husband. I'm sure you can appreciate this and you are already finding it a strain. You need support as much as your husband.

I know it's easy for me as an onlooker to make observations and not always practicably possible for you to take these suggestions on board. That said I will tell you how it appears to me.

Your parents are not close to their children which is a shame but also unfair for them to expect you to take over. If your brother is not living with you then I suggest you reduce the time you spend with him or for him. I do understand how hard this may be. I also want to remind you that you cannot be an effective carer when you neglect your own health in favour of others, both of whom are fairly demanding in their needs.

Do you receive any help for your depression etc? Psychologist/medication/chats to your GP? It sounds as though you need to talk to someone who knows the situation and can help. Can you see your GP soon? Book a long appointment and tell him/her how it is all going. Ask what help is available for your brother. Your care is starting to tear you apart with potentially serious consequences to the whole family.

I am sorry you are going through this difficult time and feel your brother is lost to you. It is time to prioritise needs, yours and your husband. Do you have any other siblings who can help? If not it's really time to tell your parents they must step up to help your brother.

I want to say more but space does not permit. Tell me how you feel about my comments and we can continue chatting. Nothing is set in stone.

Mary

[MrsFong]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your response.

Firstly I have to clear up one thing, what I said about my parents was misleading, my apologies. They are out of state and not close geographically (still very close as a family).

My brother is currently in a rehabilitation clinic and so is being professionally cared for. I think we all struggle with how much we need to involve ourselves and how much he needs to take this journey on his own. Either way it is very hard to let go for fear of where he will end up. Despite his being in a clinic he still has access to his phone and we can all be drawn back in very quickly.

I think I have known for awhile that I need to relinquish some of the care to others and concentrate on myself and my immediate family but it’s something I struggle with. I want to help my brother and more than that, my parents who have been drained emotionally by the experience of my brother and his addiction.

I am not currently being treated for depression and anxiety but I think it is time that I sought it out. My husband and I are both committed to supporting each other but sometimes the balance is skewed one way or the other, usually the other. I worry about the cost of both mine and my husbands treatment and being on medication. My Mum has a long history of depression and bad experiences with medication.

Thanks again for your help, seeing the issues in writing does help order my thoughts a little.

[smallwolf]

Hi MrsFong,

Just a short note on a couple of notes in your last post...

you mentioned that seeing your issues in writing helps. This is something I found when I started posting here. It also allows/allowed others to respond to what was on my mind, and give me alternative solutions to whatever was bugging me.

concentrating on yourself is also important.... my dad was recently diagnosed with parkinsons, and started to see a psych, after being on ADs for a long time. To make a long story much shorter, he who was a fit man is no so much any more with recent health scares etc. And it is also taking a toll on mum. the doctors (plural) always ask mum how she is coping, and she can also talk to me, to make sure she is also OK through all of this. There are also resources on the beyond blue web site you might be interested in for supporting someone.

It can also help to write here, if that helps you? Somewhere to put your thoughts, and receive additional support. We are all here for each other.

Listening to you,

Tim