Asperger’s And Relationships

[Puppies]

Hello.

My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. We’ve been doing long distance for most of that time. We’ve recently started looking at rental properties and sorting ourselves to move in together. I got a job 3 months ago up where he and his family live. I’ve basically been living in his family’s home with him for the last 3 months.

We’ve had a few issues previously where little things may trigger him and he wants to separate because he can’t deal with it. Usually after a few days or a couple of weeks he’s ready to talk and wishes to still be together.

This is occurring again. Although this time I think I’m understanding it more as it could be his mild Asperger’s which has never actually been discussed in depth. A few psychologists mentioned it but he didn’t go back.

Right now I’m back in my family’s home, waiting to hear from him. Sometimes I feel like I won’t hear from him again and other times I feel like I will.

I think my main reason for this post is to see if anyone else has a partner with Asperger’s or if you are the partner with Asperger’s, and how do you deal with it? How do you move forward together in life when your partner may not like change?

I miss him a lot.

Ive packed all my things up that were in his house as if I’m not going back. I’m very worried that this is the end as I don’t want it to be.

Some people tell me it’s not healthy for me as he’s so up and down sometimes. The last 6 months have been great and his depression and anxiety were almost non existent. Then suddenly he tells me he doesn’t see a future together, doesn’t see us getting married etc.

Any help would be great - thank you

puppies

[Hang10]

Hi Puppies,

I have Aspergers and it can be very hard when life gets crowded and overwhelming. It not easy and sometimes you need to run away for the noise and stress of life and things.

I find coping strategies like listening to music with my earphones on when it comes over bearing and walking to dilute the storms.

I have a girlfriend but we don’t live together. She understands me and she herself has a disability and I understand her. We could live together as we communicate on our strengths and weaknesses and build to help each other. It possible.

When things get heavy for him try to calm him down, reassures him that it going to be ok. Mild Asperger can be limited it needs balance of everything.

I able to work and I push myself to the limit as I fully understand how I work, the triggers and what I got to do to not let it beat me when it rain and stop me living. Sometimes it go for a few hours thoe and it hurts me emotionally. I think for him a doctor or someone to help him combat this will i think better his life. I quite open with mine. I think that helps to not let it stop you achieving things. Hope this helps.

Take care

Hang10.

[Puppies]

Hi Hang10,

Thankyou for that insight

i believe you’re right and that he needs to see a doctor

and I also believe I didn’t understand him as well as I could (until now) because i has not considered that Aspergers could be one reason for his outbursts

he has not spoken with me in a couple of days. I am worried that he feels his life would be better without me and that he won’t try to contact me

puppies

[Chickenhead]

Hi Puppies,

I just saw your post as I came on to seek advice about my husband who has Aspergers and depression. I've also been told I have it, but he is fully diagnosed.

Ive found communication to be critical yet very difficult. If you can get him to explain what he's experiencing and why, there's a possibility that you'll come to a mutual understanding and solution. It's hard though because autism is defined by the fact that the brain is wired differently. He thinks differently, so don't just assume you understand.

Change is really difficult. My husband was undiagnosed until his thirty's (as was I). He takes solace in his surroundings and things because he understands them, they make sense when so much in this world doesn't. Change is slow. It's easier for him and I because we've made that commitment and know neither of us are leaving. We have confidence the other is staying so we just wait until the other is ready to sort out the issue.

One thing I found helpful is the explanation that "mild" autism does not mean the person experiences autism mildly, it means we experience their autism mildly.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I hope you two get the chance to work on it together.

CH

[Bec_b]

Hi

I have Aspergers. My partner and I have been together for 12 years. A lot of our disagreements are because I don’t understand what she’s saying, I can be literal, I’m thoughtful and generous but also sometimes clueless.

however, I’m always respectful of her feelings and would never leave her for a few months not knowing where she stands.

just because your partner has Aspergers doesn’t mean he can treat you like that. Aspergers doesn’t stop a person knowing what is good or bad.

I’d recommend looking at your situation for yourself - do you want this to be how it is for the rest of your life?

Bec

[Puppies]

Hi chickenhead (love the name),

Some of what you said I do understand.

I do know that my partner thinks differently, but I don’t assume that I understand. Part of the issue is that he expects me to understand without giving time the full story. He complains that I don’t understand him when he’s not given me any previous insight into how he feels.

You said it’s easier for you and your husband because you’ve made the commitment (marriage?) and know that neither of you are leaving. But being in a relationship should be commitment enough. Neither of us should feel insecure just because we’re not married. I’d expect my partner to come to me and discuss life together, regardless of if we’re married or not.

I’m not sure I totally agree with/understand your statement about mild autism/Aspergers meaning the person doesn’t experience it mildly, but that we do. From what I’ve seen with him, the Aspergers (if he has it) is only mild. It only expresses itself in a few ways, as in he doesn’t fit all the criteria for someone with Aspergers. He may have bouts of difficulty but is often fairly ok.

Sorry for late response. Things have been pretty ok since. But I am questioning whether what we have is what I want for the rest of my life. Simple things like going out for lunch or just spending time together seem like a lot to ask of him sometimes. I want to be with someone who wants to connect with me and bond and hang out.

Thank you for your response .

[Puppies]

Hi Bec b,

thanks for your response.

It seems a lot of our disagreements are because we don’t understand each other too. In his case he doesn’t seem to understand my need for physical affection or spending quality time together. I’ve noticed this recently. We have a great time when we do spend time together but it’s difficult to initiate it because it seems to always be me doing the initiating. I’d love for him to come home from work and ask if I wanted to chat or watch a movie or something.

And yeah I agree that he should know right from wrong, but I also think that in the midst of the disagreement I overthink absolutely everything and can sometimes make the situation out to be worse than it is. Some of the things he says or does I do disagree with. But I think we both get really anxious in those situations and it ends up blowing up more than it should.

And recently i have been considering my situation. If we have communication we have the ability to get through anything, but he still struggles.