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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Glassy Brother with unipolar mania
  • replies: 8

Hi I am writing because I am at loss about a situation going on in my family. My brother 7 years ago during a difficult period of exams became very mentally ill with something that was at the time diagnosed as severe anxiety by a psychiatrist. He was... View more

Hi I am writing because I am at loss about a situation going on in my family. My brother 7 years ago during a difficult period of exams became very mentally ill with something that was at the time diagnosed as severe anxiety by a psychiatrist. He was anxious about several things including exams, relationship and social situations and had all sorts of sudden aspirations that didn't fit with the general picture of what he wanted to do with his life until this episode. He was very non-functional and couldn't really hold a conversation. I think he took some relatively minor anxiety medication at the time. For the past 7 years he has been totally fine to my knowledge. However, after coming back from a trip overseas/maybe during the trip he developed something similar which, by a different psychiatrist, has been diagnosed as mania. He believes what happened 7 years ago was also mania and not anxiety. He does not have depression, only mania, and it was triggered by some worries he had about his trip overseas. I go to college in a different state and only came home to find this out last night. He was acting very strangely, only wanted to speak to me in Spanish (our mother tongue which we both speak much more poorly than English), and said things that were just altogether strange. Many things I tried to talk to him about (just basic things/making conversation) he said we needed to put a pin on as though it was information overload. It is honestly like speaking with a different person/like trying to look after a child. He is usually very logical and to the point but now he is saying strange things, constantly nervous/on edge it seems and apparently just the excitement of me returning home made him unable to sleep all night even despite heavy tranquilizers. He apparently has also been frantically writing his thoughts down all the time so that they don't escape... He is currently on anticonvulsants for the mania, and the psych says it should get better with time but that they take weeks to act. I can only really find information on bipolar on the web, but my brother seems to be in a permanent manic state. It's honestly like he is a totally different person. I love my brother and want to support him in any way possible, but I am really at a loss about how to act or what will make him better/worse because I have never even heard of unipolar mania and I don't know what will/won't help. I am also really confused about whether this will be a lifelong thing for him

Hollzy My dad has depression and takes it out on my mum
  • replies: 1

I’m 16 and My dad has struggled with depression for about 8 months, but over the past few months it’s gotten really bad. He has distanced himself from my mum and when she tries to help he yells and swears at her. She can’t leave him because she wants... View more

I’m 16 and My dad has struggled with depression for about 8 months, but over the past few months it’s gotten really bad. He has distanced himself from my mum and when she tries to help he yells and swears at her. She can’t leave him because she wants to try and help him but she keeps saying she doesn’t know how much more she can take. The doctors recently prescribed him some stronger anti-depressants but it made him sick so he has stopped taking them all together. Sometimes, actually quite often I will be in my room and I can hear them screaming at each other, he tells her she is an embarrassment and is a sh** wife. But the thing is he drinks a lot, his doctors have told him the medication won’t work with the amount of alcohol he drinks but he can’t and won’t stop drinking, which makes everything worse. My biggest concern is my mum, she is so beautiful and does everything for us, I know she wants to leave him but she still loves him and wants to take of him and doesn’t want to tare a family apart. This afternoon I walked into the kitchen and she was just standing there crying, I want to help both of them but I don’t know how to. Dad doesn’t like going and seeing people because he thinks it’s a waste of time. I also have a younger sister and I don’t know how she’s coping. Often he lies in bed and sleeps or he’s on the bed drinking and watching rugby, he never helps around the house and when mum asks for help he tells her to do it herself or gives an excuse. I don’t know what to do anymore

tired1973 Very Lost
  • replies: 1

Hi I am a single father of two with full custody and very little or no family depending on how you view it. I met my partner 9 months ago. I fell in love with her not her disorder and sometimes it is really hard to differentiate. I love her but I am ... View more

Hi I am a single father of two with full custody and very little or no family depending on how you view it. I met my partner 9 months ago. I fell in love with her not her disorder and sometimes it is really hard to differentiate. I love her but I am tired and I feel like I am now a father to 3 but I care for her immensely. Some days are ok and others quite frightening. she does not have family either and at the very least will have my support indefinitely whether we are together or not. The part I am struggling with is what parts of her are her and what parts are the bipolar. I am scared for her and do not want my children to feel loss again if I can help it. I have already seen the mania and depression but I am getting confused as I do not have anyone to gauge my response's off or her behaviour. She is a person with feelings and wants and needs and deserves the very best in life. I want that for her and to give her the very best of me so she can be free to live without being isolated and marked as dangerous

SMER Supporting my mental health - BF has mental health issues
  • replies: 3

We've been together for about 2 years. I knew when we started dating he has some anxiety and depression issues. The last few months have been tough. We don't live together. I haven't seen or spoken to him since March. Communicate a lot via text and m... View more

We've been together for about 2 years. I knew when we started dating he has some anxiety and depression issues. The last few months have been tough. We don't live together. I haven't seen or spoken to him since March. Communicate a lot via text and messenger only. Yesterday he spur of the moment booked a week holiday in the US. On his own. Just wants to travel with no contact for the week. I've flat out asked him if he wants to take a break. If he would rather make this casual. If he wants help. No, no, no. Today I feel very confused. I don't want to upset him, I know he's been struggling physically and mentally for a while. And he needs a break, he hasn't taken a holiday for as long as I've known him. I want him to have a good time, But I just feel so incredibly sad, so thinking I will do as he's requested. Am I overreacting? Is this 'normal' behaviour for someone feeling better after mental health issues? I hope I'm not being rude or insensitive....just trying to get some perspective really.

Ari85 Husband with irregular psychotic episodes
  • replies: 3

Hi, My husband has been having psychotic episodes for over 6 years now. It seems like a vicious cycle. When he first has an episode, it begins with him being distant and keeping to himself. Then he will start saying something is happening to him that... View more

Hi, My husband has been having psychotic episodes for over 6 years now. It seems like a vicious cycle. When he first has an episode, it begins with him being distant and keeping to himself. Then he will start saying something is happening to him that makes no sense. Usually what’s happening to him is related to his work. Either people at work are talking about him or monitoring him. He has had many jobs as he does not stay for more than a year with one employer. His last role he was fired and I think it’s after an episode he had at work. He takes medication for awhile then he stops. He is fine for a few months and then it starts again. He has not had an episode for nearly a year and he has been off his medication for about 6 months. I noticed he was acting a bit different and being distant etc so I kept asking him what’s wrong. On Tuesday he left work early without telling me and went for a drink and came home. Then he seemed fine and today he told me on Monday and Tuesday he felt something strange at work that he can’t explain, like a force is controlling him. He was saying he’s not sure if it’s true or in his head. I have booked an appointment with a GP who we can never seen before. I just need for him to maintain his medication and treatment. He keeps saying his medication makes him tired , but I think that’s just at the beginning. After that when he feels ok he just stops. I try to tell him to keep taking it but he says he is fine now and stops it. I don’t know how to care for him. I might be in denial too because he use to smoke weed and I thought it was caused by the smoking. Now he does not even smoke cigarettes, unless he has started smoking weed again and I don’t know. It is so stressful, we have been dealing with this for so long and it seems like as soon as I think he’s ok, it comes back again.

Jemimah_L After school meltdown - I need help educating school staff
  • replies: 2

Hello my son is diagnosed with A.S.D. This week we have spoken to staff at school informing them he is more sensitive/more stressed than usual. "Look at him His fine" is the response we have gotten! We have told them Monday and Tuesday afternoon/even... View more

Hello my son is diagnosed with A.S.D. This week we have spoken to staff at school informing them he is more sensitive/more stressed than usual. "Look at him His fine" is the response we have gotten! We have told them Monday and Tuesday afternoon/evening he was not fine. Is there information sheets I can take to the school to help educate them re stress build up and releasing it with familiar people and safe places (mum at home)? 'After school restraint collapse' is another term for it.

madds2424 Boyfriend broke up with me but seems like it's fuelled by his depression.
  • replies: 4

My boyfriend and I had been dating for around 18 months, he tried to break up with me, we discussed it and decided to stay together. Two weeks later he messaged me and very suddenly had changed his tone and was being very down, saying he has no idea ... View more

My boyfriend and I had been dating for around 18 months, he tried to break up with me, we discussed it and decided to stay together. Two weeks later he messaged me and very suddenly had changed his tone and was being very down, saying he has no idea why I want to be with him. This continued and I initiated a conversation about us separating which he didn't question. Whenever I attempted to talk to him about what's going on he just shuts me out, he doesn't seem to know him self and is confused. He keeps saying I can do better, I deserve the best, this just isn't working, I'll be okay, this just isn't right, he's never going to date anyone else again and things like that. It's been about a week since then and I just have a massive gut feeling this is the wrong decision. We haven't been in contact since breaking up and I'm giving him space to clear his head and try and make sense of his thoughts. Some backstory though, he has suffered from depression for years. This isn't new for him. We were really close friend before dating and he told me I've helped him so much. He's told me I understand him better then anyone and that I'm one of the only supports he has and the only person he feels he can really talk to about everything. I have been encouraging him to seek professional help but he is completely against it. He currently has no job and isn't doing much with his time due to mental health. I can see how its deteriorated in his personal hygiene, sleeping habits, just everything about him is different. I know it isn't him and I know he needs help but I'm not sure where to go at this point. He's been acting completely out of character and seems very up and down. I'm obviously confused and hurt as he has broken up with me but to me it feels like his reasoning behind it fuelled by his depression and he's trying to isolate himself and 'do me a favour'. I'm incredibly confused about what I should do because we did have something very special, I want to continue supporting him and I think he will need it in the future (not going to talk to him soon). I guess I'm confused about whether I'm reading into things that aren't there and trying to hide what's actually happening or if my gut feeling is true and I should be attempting to contact/help him in the future. I guess I just want another's opinion or insight or experience as I really don't want to give up on him even though he's given up on everything.

Wifeymum Recently diagnosed husband
  • replies: 3

Hello everyone! I’m not sure where the best place is to start, so I’ll do my best. i have been with my husband for 8yrs and married for 4, we have a 2yo daughter. He is a great father most of the time, but recently I noticed him being withdrawn from ... View more

Hello everyone! I’m not sure where the best place is to start, so I’ll do my best. i have been with my husband for 8yrs and married for 4, we have a 2yo daughter. He is a great father most of the time, but recently I noticed him being withdrawn from our life and our daughter. She won’t allow him to cuddle her to sleep anymore and he now refuses to try, I’m left to do most parenting myself because I feel he has broken his relationship with our daughter. he sleeps almost any chance he gets, he comes come agitated and angry and takes our his moods on me, and he falls asleep without helping out around the house at all. We went to the GP this week, who said my husband has depression. He was started on medication which he didn’t respond well to, and is now on a different medication. He started this evening. So getting to my question... does this type of “withdrawal” from life usually happen with depression? Is the symptoms he showing typically depression related? How long until he sees a result from the medication? Am I being silly in thinking I’ll have my husband/father of our child back to normal once these meds have started working? I’m feeling super tired, drained emotionally and physically and at my complete Whitt’s end. I want to be supportive but when I’m being a “single” parent and carer at the same time it’s really difficult to see and end to all of this. These were all questions I wanted to ask his GP but he didn’t want me at the appointment. I really don’t know a lot about depression apart from what I’ve read on here or google. Any insight for carers and how to cope would be appreciated.

HGC Transient angry wife
  • replies: 3

Hi all, I posted a while back about my wife. Things settled down, but it was just a lull in the storm. I'm in a bind because I think she kinda, sorta, maybe has a personality disorder and some remnant of PTSD over her father's death (suicide). She ha... View more

Hi all, I posted a while back about my wife. Things settled down, but it was just a lull in the storm. I'm in a bind because I think she kinda, sorta, maybe has a personality disorder and some remnant of PTSD over her father's death (suicide). She has flatly refused any form of counselling (personal or couple) and does a flawless Jekyll and Hyde routine. At her worst, she's screaming in my face telling me not to walk away and that she will take my child away and that our daughter needs to choose between us, plus reciting every single thing I ever did wrong. Then the rain clouds clear, and its like nothing ever happened. I've personally resolved never to engage her while she's in that mode, which in the heat of the moment infuriates her even more. But I'm certain nothing good will come from it, so just not going there on my part, even if it means the end for us. Obviously I'm also concerned about the behaviour being observed by my daughter, who is primary school age now. I suppose my question is, how to encourage someone with no grasp of mental health and no playback of their own behaviour? I feel unable to initiate that conversation because it will just flip upside down into a full blown meltdown. I'm sure others are in the same boat, what did you do? Thanks for any advice.

MooBear_mum Feel hopeless
  • replies: 8

Hi All First of all, I am using this forum to seek help to assist my daughter aged 12, who is suffering extreme anxiety and depression. Her anxieties have caused significant weight loss and she is reaching the point of anorexia. She says she feels na... View more

Hi All First of all, I am using this forum to seek help to assist my daughter aged 12, who is suffering extreme anxiety and depression. Her anxieties have caused significant weight loss and she is reaching the point of anorexia. She says she feels nauseous threw anxiety and cannot eat. In addition, she says her legs hurt constantly. She has historically had times of being overwhelmed and felt anxiety when not fully supported in class, but now, Grade 7, new school etc, her anxiety has gone into overdrive and she eats hardly anything. Her school attendance has dropped below 50% and whilst the Welfare person there is working with us, as is her Year 7 co-ordinator we cannot seem to identify what triggers the anxiety. Through frustration today, when she claimed to be too weak to get out of bed and I was running late for work, I yelled my frustrations at her, asking when will it end? Not my best parental moment. We are waiting for Headspace to make contact with us, which seems to be taking forever but I want to know what can we do for her, how can we help reduce the anxiety and depression that seems to be related to school but there must be more to it? She is an over-thinker, she thinks out scenarios etc. Fear stops her from participating, it paralyses her. My heart is breaking for not being able to help her overcome this debilitating "illness" not sure illness is right word but at a loss as to what to really call it. So here I am reaching out on her behalf to ask who we can approach, what can we do, how can we be supportive without fully understanding why anxiety has taken over our beautiful free spirited soul? I just want to be able to hug her tightly and tell her we can beat this, but I really don't know if we can. Thanks for listening.