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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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sadnurse281 Schizoaffective Husband exhausting me!!!!
  • replies: 1

My husband suffers from the depressive subtype of Schizoaffective disorder and so essentially shows symptoms of both schizophrenia and depression which is great.....we have been together 14 years and have a two year old son. We decided to have a baby... View more

My husband suffers from the depressive subtype of Schizoaffective disorder and so essentially shows symptoms of both schizophrenia and depression which is great.....we have been together 14 years and have a two year old son. We decided to have a baby when he was stable and seemed to be responding really well to his new meds. 5 years ago he had a major psychotic episode and was hospitalised by force with the police and in psych ward involuntary for two weeks and escaped once. This was the only time he had delusions etc and now that he is stable and medicated he has all the negative symptoms such as lack of speech, staring blankly into space, like a tired zombie all the time, memory loss, acts like he dosent care about me at all basically. Sleeps in the granny flat because he snores. I have to wake him up and also prompt him all the time which is exhausting with a toddler. He is good with our son and loves him but has trouble responding to his needs and also mine. I feel like I just want to shake him awake! I love him so much but I’m not getting anything back from him. No support, no affection. He is fine at work and works from home for himself but relationships are a different thing. He has no friends to spend time with either. He sees his psychiatrist once every 3 months and his psychologist told him he was doing well and not to worry about seeing her anymore! I’ve put so much energy into arranging his psych appointments etc I just don’t have the energy anymore. I feel like I’m getting lost in all of this and I’m trapped. Should I leave him or continue to try and stay? Any advice from people who understand would be appreciated greatly

Concerned_Mom I need advice
  • replies: 2

My 19 year old daughter has Anorexia and has been in hospital for the past 2 weeks. She keeps telling me she doesn’t want me to visit her in hospital which is really getting to me I want to be there to support her and show her I love her but I also d... View more

My 19 year old daughter has Anorexia and has been in hospital for the past 2 weeks. She keeps telling me she doesn’t want me to visit her in hospital which is really getting to me I want to be there to support her and show her I love her but I also don’t want to upset her by visiting her if she doesn’t want me too. It’s really getting to me I don’t know what to do.

Bec_b Involuntary Admission
  • replies: 1

My grandparents are in QLD. My grandfather is getting worse and worse in how he treats nanna - he sees the world differently to how it is and is verbally abusive and threatens physical abuse. He had always been like that, but it’s getting worse becau... View more

My grandparents are in QLD. My grandfather is getting worse and worse in how he treats nanna - he sees the world differently to how it is and is verbally abusive and threatens physical abuse. He had always been like that, but it’s getting worse because now there’s no family around to appease. is there a way to have him admitted involuntarily to see if he can be diagnosed and treated?

lovemybpman My Bipolar man Has cut me off... advice please?
  • replies: 11

Hi all Well right at the moment I am completely heartbroken...here is some history:I met my man 9 months ago. We hit it off straight away, and now I am a part of his family, his life, and I love him unconditionally.He is a Leukaemia survivor: however... View more

Hi all Well right at the moment I am completely heartbroken...here is some history:I met my man 9 months ago. We hit it off straight away, and now I am a part of his family, his life, and I love him unconditionally.He is a Leukaemia survivor: however, that gave him Graft vs Hosts disease, he has a weak immune system and has Bipolar. He told me all of this straight away. He also has 50/50 custody of his 3 beautiful children. We all get along. His kids are 7 and 9 years, he is 44 and I just turned 40. he is on lithium and sees a Psych.He is a totally BEAUTIFUL person, makes me laugh, cry, and we share a lot together. I am such a part of his life that everything is " we, and us". he lives in his own house, and I rent a unit. I do spend a lot of time over at his place, and he does love having me over. But I feel that my lack of understanding him and not knowing how to handle certain situations-and him- had ruined our relationship. now I have been reading some info about bp, and he is a classic case of repeatedly breaking off our relationship due to very menial hiccups...and I NOW know that they are not menial to him. Only this time he has completely cut me off. He sent me a break up text when I was at work, and returned my key and items to my unit. He even wrapped the gift that he gave me for my 40th up carefully in paper (the gift he got me after my birthday) He wont answer any calls or texts, his original text said he sees no future for us, and that this will be hard, but to respect his decision. I just cannot accept it. Firstly, this is the worst "break up" that we have had. I suspect that he is in a deep depression at the moment. A lot of this is due to him not seeing his kids for 3 weeks (because of holidays), which he was dreading coming up.Also, and maybe, because I got upset that he did nothing for my 40th as in no card, no present, just a photo of all 3 kids that he took that day...I got really upset, had a fight and this caused his poor 9 year old to break down and cry.The next few days were okay though. If he was going to end it, he would have done it then and there.I feel so bad, because now he is obviously hurting. The way I see it is that he still loves me, because it would be too painful to hear my voice and see my items around his house.Have I been too demanding and unfeeling?? ...realistically, I don't expect an answer to that question as you don't know me, but anyone who goes through this same thing...please, any advice?? Thanks

Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie How to help my mother leave an abusive relationship she's financially dependent on
  • replies: 4

So my mum is 58 and been living with her boyfriend for a few years now. I know from visiting them and seeing them fight in person that their relationship has been problematic for a while now. Its recently been getting a lot worse though as a result o... View more

So my mum is 58 and been living with her boyfriend for a few years now. I know from visiting them and seeing them fight in person that their relationship has been problematic for a while now. Its recently been getting a lot worse though as a result of his worsening alcoholism and a combination of new medications he's been put on. He's becoming more paranoid and erratic. He has always been walking that line between just a general ass hole and an emotional abuser in the way he would speak to her, intimidate her, demand too much of her and even gaslight her on occasion, but now he's jumped way into obvious abuse territory that him attempting to physically harm her is a genuine concern of mine. Now, its worth noting that both him and my mother are physically disabled as a result of work injuries, but my mother less so, and she is more mobile and can move quicker, so I have no doubt she could take him, which is a little reassuring but that doesn't make this whole situation any less concerning. Now the main road block in her leaving him is that she has nowhere to go and no money to support herself. She got unjustly let go from her job as an aged care nurse about maybe a year ago (she was injured on the job and they proceeded to fire her for being unable to do heavy duties as a result- she was unsuccessful in getting compensation outside of small insurance company payments that wouldn't even come close to supporting her) and our extended family (her brother and sisters and their spouses) aren't the sort to offer help. I'm currently unemployed (which is driving me insane) and living on Newstart so I can't even afford my own expenses most of the time let alone be able to offer significant help to her. I also live about seven hours away and live with housemates so I don't even have a place for her to easily get away to and stay, which, given that this is my mother, feels awful. To top it off, she doesn't have access to her super (she's explained to me why but ngl I'm a little too stupid to understand it all), and she doesn't qualify for Centrelink for some reason, hence she doesn't have access to any extra support they offer. I don't know what can be done here. My mum suffers from depression and physical disabilities and is without access to an substantial income. Hey partner is getting more and more abusive and is using her financial dependency on him against her. What can be done to help her? Is there something I'm missing? Advice is much appreciated. Thanks.

MeerKatMum Help! Feeling guilt over partner's depression.
  • replies: 2

Hi all! I need some advice. My partner (38 m) moved in with myself and my kids 8 months ago and over the past couple of months it has been apparent he is depressed. He has never lived with kids before and struggled to adjust to family life but has tr... View more

Hi all! I need some advice. My partner (38 m) moved in with myself and my kids 8 months ago and over the past couple of months it has been apparent he is depressed. He has never lived with kids before and struggled to adjust to family life but has tried really hard. As I am a uni student he is the sole income earner and he is often frustrated with the lack of money, time, and space for peace. We have discussed it often and he has told me he chooses to be here and make those sacrifices because he loves me. In other conversations he has told me how much he is disheartened and depressed about having little money, little free time to study, and very little quiet time. I feel guilty because if he didn't come to live with us he wouldn't be having these problems and wouldn't be depressed (he has explicitly said that they are the source of his depression). Two weeks ago he told me that he was feeling suicidal, that he couldn't see any other way to make his situation better. I have encouraged him to seek help, which he is doing this week, and have been checking in with him every day to see if he is suicidal. he has told me that since he realised the depression was making him see death as the only way out he has been able to combat those thoughts. I feel that he is so unhappy about these circumstances that are essentially because of me and I don't know what to do or how to deal with the guilt. Please help!

pk1109 TPD claims process
  • replies: 4

Hi all. Hoping to get some input on my situation. A bit of background first - my husband has been suffering from depression for all his adult life and in the last few years it's been getting significantly worse. A significant source of his stress is ... View more

Hi all. Hoping to get some input on my situation. A bit of background first - my husband has been suffering from depression for all his adult life and in the last few years it's been getting significantly worse. A significant source of his stress is work related. Since around August 2018 he's been on leave without pay, to try to get a break from it all. Long story short - it was helpful in the short term, but now he is facing redundancy and getting worse very quickly. He attempted suicide on New Years day while I was out with the kids. We've got 2 kids, a mortgage and I'm a school teacher. I can't support the family if he dies so this is incredibly stressful for me. Somewhat luckily, he's had a retail policy since mid 2014 which covers Life and TPD. I've been considering making helping him make a claim on the TPD since things don't look like they're getting better. I think with a successful claim, it would give our family the financial breathing space needed to focus on dealing with his issues - e.g. I could afford to take time off work and be with him. I'm completely clueless as to the process - and I feel I won't get much help from him in his current state. Can anyone shed some light onto the process? One specific worry I have is I remember when we applied, we were careful to make sure mental illness was included in both Life and TPD so we had to try several insurers until we found one. He already disclosed his medicare claims history and PBS history at time of application, but I'm worried the insurers will ask for clinic notes from his GP - he visited many in order to get mental health care plans - some notes have words like 'depression' and 'anxiety' in them, while at the time he was not officially diagnosed so we made it clear to the insurer he was never professionally diagnosed with these conditions, at time of application. We didn't think to request all clinic notes from various GPs and email the insurer too at the time of application - could this ruin the claim, or am I overthinking it? Thank you all in advance.

Lotty_8446 My ex girlfriend now is suffering some sort of mental illness
  • replies: 1

My ex girlfriend and I were dating for well over a year, we've had our ups and downs like all relationships, but it wasn't until recently when she told me that she no longer thinks she can do this and broke it off but we are going to stay close frien... View more

My ex girlfriend and I were dating for well over a year, we've had our ups and downs like all relationships, but it wasn't until recently when she told me that she no longer thinks she can do this and broke it off but we are going to stay close friends. She told me that she doesn't think that she can be what I need and that she loves me but doesn't love herself. She told me she needs time to work on herself and fix her problems. She has told me she's going to councilers to sort this out but she hasn't told me exactly what she has and what the exact problem is. I've told her that I'm here for her if she needs me. I love this girl with all my heart but I don't know how to really help her through it because she doesn't want to put me through all her suffering and pain, she says that's not fair on me. But I don't care, I've told her I don't care that it may not be fair on me. I want to help her through it. And I don't want to stay just as friends it hurts so bad being friends but not together. But I understand that she needs time and I am willing to give that to her. Any suggestions or anything?

Sandy_J Husbands anxiety creating constant stress and negativity in our house. Need advice.
  • replies: 3

Hi all, my husband and I have two young kids (4 year old and 17 month old) and our relationship is in a really bad place currently, which in a big part is due to his anxiety and constant negativity. I am worried the effect it’s having on our kids- he... View more

Hi all, my husband and I have two young kids (4 year old and 17 month old) and our relationship is in a really bad place currently, which in a big part is due to his anxiety and constant negativity. I am worried the effect it’s having on our kids- he snaps at them so easily (mainly the four year old) and is literally constantly complaining. I want to support him and be there for him but when he talks badly to myself and the kids it just makes me dispise him and want to run (with my kids) for the hills. I need basic care and respect and he really struggles to provide that. He is a good father and husband in many other ways. But since going off his medication (he wants to try and get by without it) things have just gone backwards to significantly and I just don’t know if I can push through much longer. Literally the only thing that is holding me back at the moment is the fact that he makes all the money as I’m yet to return to work. I am trying to start my own business and find another job on the side but it’s taking time. I feel that if I was financially able to support myself and the kids I would probably leave. I know it sounds terrible and I really do want to help him, but it’s come to a point now where I feel suffocated and that myself and the kids deserve a calm, happy, peaceful life. Any advice or just words of wisdom would be so much appreciated. I’m starting to feel down every day now because of his mood and it just can’t go on like this.

Lilliana Is my husband a high functioning borderline?
  • replies: 13

I am only new to this. After 35 years of marriage it was our grown kids that finally suggested their father may have borderline personality. But the stereotypical borderline seems to be a female who threatens suicide frequently and whose life is unra... View more

I am only new to this. After 35 years of marriage it was our grown kids that finally suggested their father may have borderline personality. But the stereotypical borderline seems to be a female who threatens suicide frequently and whose life is unravelling my husband has managed to run a successfulbusiness albeit with lots of ups and downs and dramas and very few staff who have stayed for long periods he does not self harm unless you count overeating leading to obesity and consequent health problems he is good at talking to people in most situations but it is in close relationships where he runs into difficulties he struggles to listen or understand what I or the kids are saying exprapolating any criticism to mean that we are saying he is a bad person and that any good he has done is thereby negated People are either good or bad with little room for a middle ground his mood can change with one small thing that happens or something someone says that may not have been meant for harm and he can be upset for days and hold onto that hurt for months or forever i feel like I am always trying to prevent things or people from upsetting him but it is an impossible task while he has never hit me his words feel like they do His blow ups at the kids when they were younger have had long lasting effects which he doesn't really understand saying he was a good father to them Mostly he left dealing with them to me as his own childhood experience of discipline amounted to physical and mental abuse But every so often he would intervene and the result usually felt out of control but everything is my fault for not showing him enough love and for siding with the kids on occasion He likes to use the word always and never a lot when it comes to me thereby negating whatever effort I have made to do what makes him happy he is jealous if I pay attention or do anything for someone else When they were younger it was the kids Now it is my work or any outside interest or cause I might contribute to when I got up the courage to tell him about borderline he was at first receptive as it felt like it explained some things he didn't understand about his own behaviour and reactions But then when his GP who has only seen him a couple of times dismissed the whole idea as improbable he quickly agreed saying every psychologist he had seen said there was nothing wrong with him Are there higher functioning borderlines? Could he be one of them?