Husbands anxiety creating constant stress and negativity in our house. Need advice.

[Sandy_J]

Hi all, my husband and I have two young kids (4 year old and 17 month old) and our relationship is in a really bad place currently, which in a big part is due to his anxiety and constant negativity.

I am worried the effect it’s having on our kids- he snaps at them so easily (mainly the four year old) and is literally constantly complaining. I want to support him and be there for him but when he talks badly to myself and the kids it just makes me dispise him and want to run (with my kids) for the hills. I need basic care and respect and he really struggles to provide that.

He is a good father and husband in many other ways. But since going off his medication (he wants to try and get by without it) things have just gone backwards to significantly and I just don’t know if I can push through much longer. Literally the only thing that is holding me back at the moment is the fact that he makes all the money as I’m yet to return to work. I am trying to start my own business and find another job on the side but it’s taking time. I feel that if I was financially able to support myself and the kids I would probably leave. I know it sounds terrible and I really do want to help him, but it’s come to a point now where I feel suffocated and that myself and the kids deserve a calm, happy, peaceful life. Any advice or just words of wisdom would be so much appreciated. I’m starting to feel down every day now because of his mood and it just can’t go on like this.

[PamelaR]

Hi Sandy and warm welcome

It's so good you've found your way to our community. Thank you for sharing your story. What a difficult time you are having, my heart goes out to you. Anxiety and constant negativity do not make things very happy do they?

Relationships are hard work and even more so when one or more has a mental health condition. Both my hubby and I have anxiety, depression and PTSD. We both set off each other. It takes time to calm down some times. But we do. There is no magic potion for it, for us it's good communication which has taken years to get to.

Any chances of putting an ultimatum to hubby. E.g. - do something or I am working towards leaving, go back on medication, go to joint counselling with Relationships Australia 1300 364 277.

You're not alone Sandy, there are many in similar situations as you. Be it husband or wife who has the mental health condition. Feel free to browse our discussions and join any you think may help or you can help.

Being able to talk with someone is always useful. Do both of you have someone you can talk with, e.g. close family member, or trusted friend?

Is there any chance of taking some time out from one another? E.g. going on a holiday for a week or two to visit friends, or getting him to go fishing (or whatever he likes)?

I do wonder how much warmth is left between you both. I think this will make a difference to how much you both want to work at the relationship.

We here in our community all have differing stories and what works for one may not work for another. It sounds to me like he needs support to recognise the impact he is having on the family and that there is help out there for him. Going off his meds hasn't really helped by the sounds of it and he probably does need to see his doctor again. Getting a referral to a health professional would be a great thing for him to do.

You also need to look after yourself. Have a read of some of the available resources on our website if you want to. For example, do a search for - looking after yourself while supporting someone.

Hope this helps you Sandy. Keep reaching out if and when you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Winterfell]

Hi Sandy, you sound like its all getting a bit overwhelming and that is completely understandable especially with two little ones. The negativity and anxiety are very hard to constantly be around, it sounds like your husband is actually not doing very well being off his meds. Anxiety and irritability were some of the early signs of my husbands depression, the more low and out of control he is, the more things bother him and he wants everything to be controlled in his environment. Your husband needs to get some help if his moods are impacting so negatively on your relationship, is he aware of his his behaviour is affecting you? It might be time for some open communication or a couples counselling appointment if he will go. Walking on eggshells is unsustainable for you and ongoing distress is unsustainable for him. Hope you find a way to get some time and support for yourself at this difficult time.

[Lillypad2019]

I'm in a similar situation. Husband is increasingly irritable, miserable and is constantly negative. It is really bringing me down. He is medicated and is seeing professionals but does not speak to me at all. Rather he just stomps around our house saying how bad everything is. There is a major communication breakdown in our relationship.

Sometimes I think I would be better off divorcing him, but my kids safety is my concern. I could never leave them with him for visitation. He has attempted suicide and I don't trust that he wouldn't hurt them, especially since he is so secretive about his moods and feelings.

I think couple's therapy is something both you and I would benefit from.

You also need to decide if a relationship with him is something you're willing to fight for. What is best for you and your kids?