My Bipolar man Has cut me off... advice please?

[lovemybpman]

Hi all

Well right at the moment I am completely heartbroken...here is some history:I met my man 9 months ago. We hit it off straight away, and now I am a part of his family, his life, and I love him unconditionally.He is a Leukaemia survivor: however, that gave him Graft vs Hosts disease, he has a weak immune system and has Bipolar. He told me all of this straight away. He also has 50/50 custody of his 3 beautiful children. We all get along. His kids are 7 and 9 years, he is 44 and I just turned 40. he is on lithium and sees a Psych.He is a totally BEAUTIFUL person, makes me laugh, cry, and we share a lot together. I am such a part of his life that everything is " we, and us". he lives in his own house, and I rent a unit. I do spend a lot of time over at his place, and he does love having me over.

But I feel that my lack of understanding him and not knowing how to handle certain situations-and him- had ruined our relationship. now I have been reading some info about bp, and he is a classic case of repeatedly breaking off our relationship due to very menial hiccups...and I NOW know that they are not menial to him. Only this time he has completely cut me off. He sent me a break up text when I was at work, and returned my key and items to my unit. He even wrapped the gift that he gave me for my 40th up carefully in paper 😞  (the gift he got me after my birthday)

He wont answer any calls or texts, his original text said he sees no future for us, and that this will be hard, but to respect his decision. I just cannot accept it. Firstly, this is the worst "break up" that we have had. I suspect that he is in a deep depression at the moment. A lot of this is due to him not seeing his kids for 3 weeks (because of holidays), which he was dreading coming up.Also, and maybe, because I got upset that he did nothing for my 40th as in no card, no present, just a photo of all 3 kids that he took that day...I got really upset, had a fight and this caused his poor 9 year old to break down and cry.The next few days were okay though. If he was going to end it, he would have done it then and there.I feel so bad, because now he is obviously hurting. The way I see it is that he still loves me, because it would be too painful to hear my voice and see my items around his house.Have I been too demanding and unfeeling?? ...realistically, I don't expect an answer to that question as you don't know me, but anyone who goes through this same thing...please, any advice?? Thanks

[Neil_1]

Hi there LMBPM

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

This is one very tricky situation, as you obviously know full well – I just wonder if you are able to give him some space in the interim may well be the best approach?   I know this is going to be very tough for you, but I think that if you try to make contact with him during this next little while, it may well push him even further away.

You may find that after a period of time that he might try to make contact again with you – as there obviously seems to be some connection there between the two of you.

I do hope others might come along here and offer their advice to you also.

Kind regards

Neil

[lovemybpman]

Thank you for your response Neil, its much appreciated!!

I have been following what the general consensus seems to be, which is give him space. I did send a text to him today, and all it said was I am still here anytime if he needs me. It was short and non-emotional.

I am just so worried about how he is feeling, but I wont send him anymore texts until he makes contact. I don't know whether to hold on to the fact that this break up is not 'real' and the old Mr R will return, or if I am giving myself false hope. I am totally confused, upset one moment and optimistic the next.

I think I just need to look at it as hes unwell at the moment, and when the three weeks is up, and hopefully he is feeling happy, that he will contact me. In the mean time, I am reading up more about BP to better understand about it....

😕

[white knight]

Hi lovemybpman, welcome also here

I have bp type 2, among depression etc. In his defence, just a little, if he is like me he wont respond much to birthdays nor anniversaries etc. Firstly you need a good memory if you arent prompted beforehand (medication can kill memory cells), you also have to make the day's date a thing you implant in your mind. It often amuses me when I ask others what the date is....only for them to say it straight away, whereas for me I'd never know, even if I'd written it 6 times that day.

But as my wife says "ask you how many bolts you tightened up on the lawn mower and you'd know". It doesnt make sense I know. In fact I always buy other people their gifts well before their birthday/anniversary and give it to them as I dont want to upset them. It certainly is a fear.

Sadly, if my wife or others got angry over this "forgetfulness" it would send me packing. Why? Because I wouldnt feel it is fair or justified for a condition I can do little about. I've told everyone major in my life of this and they must accept it. I've told them I would never mean to hurt them and I intend to not miss dates. I try to put alarms in my phone but you have to remember to do that dont you?

Having said that there is also inside me that decisive "cut off" characteristic. The one you described how he has cut you off. If I can describe it- it is like a a flip-flop feeling. All going well then for some reason one is turned off and one realises the relationship wont last. At that point one feels an overwhelming feeling of wanting to get rid of all contact- to avoid confrontation, the same confrontation felt when a birthday is misses or a gift forgotten. That's why he sent all your belongings back. I dont agree with his method of text to inform you, thats bad, cowardice. But I understand the rest. And I'm milder BP type 2 I assume he is BP 1, much more severe.

I agree very much with Neil- give it time. If there is no positive contact in say 3 weeks. Move on. I'm sorry if my direct approach is hurtful. I dont know how else to explain this.

By the way. My current wife was on the receiving end of one of my "I want to end it as soon as possible " routines. She refused. She told me she was in for the long haul. For life. and so on.  We are indeed cemented together. But that doesnt mean your guy is altogether like me. Where I can feel the security of my wife and her commitment. He might be lacking there.

This has been hard to explain.

Tony   WK

[lovemybpman]

White Knight,

Thank you so much!! I did understand your points, and coming from a bp person such as yourself,  that's a great insight to how the mind works during this time..

I think that a lot of it was my misunderstanding of how he sees the world. And I feel quite guilty for it. :((  I think there are lots of factors here: I have not understood him, he has not communicated with me, and maybe, hey, I never asked the right questions to begin with??

He did send me a message today, which was sadly one I did not want to hear...it was "lets only be friends. Ok. Thank you"

A very blunt text, yes he did not phone me up or see me. I haven't sent anything back...I have no idea what to say!! I certainly don't agree, but if it really is over, at least he is still in my life 🙂

This is such unchartered territory for me, at times I am just going over all the possibilities of why this happened. And what to do! At least I can talk to his parents. His dad said to me this does happen, and Mr R will most likely not remember anyway! Also what you said about medication: I had never even thought of how it would affect his mind, as he is on a lot of different drugs for his gvh disease, and the bipolar.

I am still going to leave it until the kids come back. There will be questions of why I am not there, but no way am I using them as a pawn. That's downright wrong. I will just wait for a more positive communication before I attempt contact.

Its going to be a slow wait!

Thanks again, much appreciated 🙂

[lovemybpman]

Well he finally called me and agreed to meet for lunch, which I did. I went with a neutral attitude, and followed his lead. He seemed normal- NOT depressed nor manic. He said that he got scared-that I was smothering him too much, and to be friends.He also said that he did actually have a present for me....it was a painting that he did, and it wasn't finished. He was so upset that I roused at him for having no present, that he destroyed it! I was in tears.

He said that he still wants me in his life, but its getting too much.

What I don't understand is that he calls us "friends", yet that night we went out to the movies together, and it was like a first date!! We saw each other a few days after that too, pretty much as a couple. I said aren't we still a couple, just we have slowed it up? He said no, we are still just good 'friends'

Maybe he needs to think this way to cope, I don't know. my heart is still broken, as I am kept at an arms length, I want more, but if I push it he said he will break up and never see me again.

Family have done nothing but rubbish him (they have never met him) and tell me to move on. But I love him, and its painful. His family is also a big part of my life. I have no one else close by in terms of family (who understand) and I don't have kids of my own, so this has caused a huge void in my life.

 Its so hard....really, now I have no idea what to do. 😞

[white knight]

Hi again

I think you can only do one thing- respect his wishes. Your family want what (they think) is best for you and likely believe you will be hurt...as you are hurt now. However if every "normal" person out there thought the same as your family BP sufferers would all be single- not worthy of love. ?

There is a flip side to many people with mental illness. They can be talented and creative. But those assets cant compete against the negative effects of what they endure- and what others do to.

You did so well when you met up with him. Meetings like this should be encouraged by you because it could contribute towards closure. You'll be able to study his persona, his changes and if he has regret. Some people can keep such contact going throughout their lives and the children of the other ex partner keep in contact also. Even though you might move on and have a permanent partner later. It depends on the individual.

My guess (wild) is that he cannot cope with a relationship. It certainly isnt you- really. His condition is far too complex to understand fully but you have responded well to some of my descriptions of his symptoms.

Finally. Self preservation is most important. You must look after yourself mentally and physically (healthy eating for example) so you are not brought down by the sadness of your ordeal. I've been where you are now several times. Once, was a near tragedy. That was in 1996 and I lived to use that experience in my writings here. But they all were hurtful. I did what you are doing- asked others for guidance. One older man said to me (I was thinking of returning to my then separated wife as the grief of not being with my kids was too much pain) "dont ever go backwards" It stayed with me and I never went backwards and returned...glad I didnt, she was a disaster for me and she was not committed to me or cared enough.. I know myself better now. I know that love  can only be jumped over by a new love. Then time allows me to move on.

So, keep friends with him and meet every now and then. Monitor him and his responses, why he feels the way he does, learn and understand the way he thinks and why he does what he does. There could be hope. There might be no hope.

Either way- you are number one in this. To help yourself.

Tony WK

[lovemybpman]

Thanks again.... but.... hes manic at the moment now, and my gut feeling is right....he is on RSVP again, with recent photos . I feel sick. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I just want to curl in a ball and fade away

:"(        :"(

[white knight]

Hi

Ok, he has burned his bridge. Time to move on if you are up to it. Or you can stay in limbo if that pleases you for now.

Relationship can bring you down and there isnt the joy level in other things to compensate for that loss. Hence the feeling of a permanent downhill slide when in fact the other joys in life like - hobbies, family, friends and new love life can indeed bring about enough positivity to overcome your loss. You just need to accept or recognise this....even fool yourself to believe it.

I recall a week or so after my separation from my first wife in 1996. Two young daughters 7 and 4yo were no longer my full time children. Shattered I kept busy, found busy things to do (best thing was buying land and building my shed then my own home). This replaced my wife. Once a week I'd fall in a heap regardless of these busy activities. Hve a big big cry. Then I programmed myself to cut this grieving short and immediately leave my shed and pick up a tool and keep working. I was forcing myself to be "normal". It worked for me.

Hoping you are ok.    Tony WK

[Jackie1966]

Not sure if you'll get this message, lovemybpman, but did you ever get your man back? I'm going through something similar and it's killing me.