Husbands anxiety/depression isn't improving

[KP_2014]

Hi all,
I have been with my husband for 9 years and we have a 3 year old child together.
After the birth of our son he was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. Prior to that he had seen a psychogist with some success but he only attended a few sessions.
He is on medication but that has had its ups and downs with side effects ranging from being physically ill to low sex drive which he really struggles with.
I feel like he is slipping again. Our GP has discussed how he was doing okay but he would ideally like to see a lift in his happiness and wellbeing not merely a stable average point, he has also encouraged him to seek counselling etc but my husband won't. When I try to broach this topic he gets angrg and defensive. When I try to ask how he feels about his medication he just shrugs it off and disengages.
He started his own business but it has died off. I explained if he isn't contributing to our family financially I do not feel negatively about that, but do expect him to contribute around the home. He doesnt.
I am exhausted. I work full time, am the only one who takes our son out anywhere, I do all the household work... I am at the point of total exhaustion. I just want some engagement from him, some sign he wants to be present with our little family. I get nothing except shutdown and arguments which are getting more cold, detached and hurtful.
I know I can't do the work for him but I am struggling with him not wanting to do the work for himself.
I have explained how I feel but when I do he says I am attacking him and he feels hurt and abused. I don't think I have used language that portrays it in that way, but he makes me doubt myself so I have stopped saying anything. But as we all know it gets bottled up and explodes and both of us makes zero sense of anything.
I don't want to break up our family, I am also very stubborn. I just don't know what to do from here.
Any advice is much appreciated, thank you in advance.

[quirkywords]

KP_2014

Weclome to the forum.This place is full of kind and supportive people.

Thanks for writing this post and sharing your story. I am sorry it has taken a while to get a response but this sometimes happens .

By replying to you your post will be put forward to a place where more people will see it

As you know having depression is tiring and complicated as is living with someone with depression.

I can feel your exhaustion and frustration coming through your words.

I feel your health should be your priority as people often neglect themselves when helping a loved one with depression.

Do you have some friends or family who understand what you are going through or can you see your GP so that he can make sure you are looking after yourself.

When depressed I know I said awful things to loved ones which does not excuse it but years later I can say how hurtful my words were interpreted when all I was doing was saying how helpless and hopeless I felt. I had no idea they would take it personally.

Also in a sever depression everything seems so black and even the things one knows are good like family seem so hard to reach out and touch/ I know that is so frustrating for you and your husband.

Would you consider phoning the Beyond Blue support line which offers support advice action

and having a chat to a trained counsellor. 1300 22 4636.

Is there something you like doing , it maybe reading a book, watching a tv show, going for a walk that you can do for yourself and hopefully reboost your energy levels.

Thanks again for sharing your story. You are not alone and there is support here.

Quirky

[Croix]

Dear KP_2014~

I would like to join Quirky in welcoming you here and say too I'm sorry you have not had a reply before. Please do not think it is anything to do with you -or the subject you are posting about -at all, it is simply the system does not always work as well as we would wish. I'm glad you posted.

I understand about the horrible time you had before, and about your husband's depression and anxiety worsening when his father died too plus when you had the baby.

It sounds very much as if you have been carrying the whole load of the family for far too long, and the result on you has been exhaustion, frustration, even anger and self-doubt.

Your health is the most important thing at the moment, may I ask if you have medical support, both to monitor your health and maybe give advice? Also if the is anyone to lighten your load at all, both emotionally and practically? Trying to cope in isolation is very hard indeed, and sympathy, understanding and another's take on things can be a great help.

I realise you know very well you cannot make you husband improve by yourself. The desire to acknowledge illness and try to deal with it has to come from him. With depression motivation does disappear, and hopelessness take over -as does a desire to withdraw. I'm sure you remember how it was for you when you father passed away. very hard indeed (I'm sorry if I'm bringing back old memories).

Nevertheless your husband has to actively seek out the best medication regimen, go to therapy/counseling and try to live as best he can a lifestyle that assists getting better. When I've been in that state I've sort of realized how hard I was being and did occasionally try a little to show appreciation to my partner (not near enough though). I also felt anger and shame. It was only though the correct medical help I improved.

So I guess it comes down to what you think may help him to help himself. You have talked about it with him, and that has not worked, he remains in the same state. Is there anyone else who might have better luck persuading him? If not what other options do you think are open to you?

Croix