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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Shorty85 I’m looking for inhome support after traumatic event newly single mother of 5
  • replies: 2

Hi I am hoping I can get some information on getting some in home support for myself. I have arranged an in home nanny to be hopefully starting soon to assist with my young children and there daily routines and education and age appropriate activity’... View more

Hi I am hoping I can get some information on getting some in home support for myself. I have arranged an in home nanny to be hopefully starting soon to assist with my young children and there daily routines and education and age appropriate activity’s. In all honesty though I can not function I have not been able to get threw my own everyday domestic and household duties which there for holds us back as a family I worry because there is rules for getting help with this service and if I’m not able to keep up my household chores and have educator or nanny to only have to deal with my 2 year old twins needs I will not be able to get the help I’m drowning and need help if anyone knows of service that might be able to help with domestic and management of life after debilitating trauma that would be great thanks new member hoping to get some advice for myself and my family

myparis Back to the same again tonight
  • replies: 5

After posting last night, and grabbing a couple of troubled hours sleep, I awoke this morning to a quiet partner, going about his normal morning routine as if nothing had happened the night before. After I laid on the lounge crying, I decided to appr... View more

After posting last night, and grabbing a couple of troubled hours sleep, I awoke this morning to a quiet partner, going about his normal morning routine as if nothing had happened the night before. After I laid on the lounge crying, I decided to approach him and ask if I could talk to him. We talked and hugged and I felt reassured that everything would be ok. Today seemed peaceful, but tonight the same old situation reared it's ugly head. My frustration with his negativity and his lack of appreciation for all that I do, came back to bite me again, causing me to question "Is it my reaction to his behaviour that needs to change in order to keep us on an even keel?" "Should I just keep my mouth shut and cry and feel my anger behind closed doors?" Surely, though, for me to keep my sanity I should be free to tell him how I feel, without fear of reprisal or of him walking away from me in anger. I often wonder how much of his behaviour is caused by his bipolar and how much is his true self. I'm exhausted and feel guilty that again I have caused a fight because of my reactions and by me telling him how I feel. As he sleeps peacefully and snores, oblivious to my pain and worry, it looks like another night of no sleep for me, laying awake worrying about the future of my relationship. Tomorrow will surely be worse after tonight's fight and yet another night without sleep for me. I'm stuck on a treadmill and can't seem to find a way out of my brain trap..... We can only talk when it suits his mood and in the meantime I'm stuck 'thinking' he's going to leave me soon if I don't get my self together. Is this a common effect on Partners of those with Bipolar - for us to question if we're the ones with the problem?

Jamie1 Supporting/married to someone that suffers from depression and anxiety
  • replies: 10

Just wanted to know how other handle there day to day lives being married to some that suffers both depression and anxiety on a daily basis? and if there are groups out there that have a meet up to express themselves and have a bit of a time out toge... View more

Just wanted to know how other handle there day to day lives being married to some that suffers both depression and anxiety on a daily basis? and if there are groups out there that have a meet up to express themselves and have a bit of a time out together?

Gianetta contact or not to contact depressed boyfriend
  • replies: 4

Newbie here feeling very confused and alone. Basically shall i text my boyfriend to just say hiya, thinking of you, when he hasnt contacted me for 24 hours? Dont want to crowd him but i suspect he really does love me and need support, or shall I just... View more

Newbie here feeling very confused and alone. Basically shall i text my boyfriend to just say hiya, thinking of you, when he hasnt contacted me for 24 hours? Dont want to crowd him but i suspect he really does love me and need support, or shall I just let him initaite next contact....it was all fab for last 5 of 6 months but now even tho he said he doesnt want space the loving man i know has vanished, life of the party to all others! ​ ​

myparis After the contentment comes the tears
  • replies: 1

It's amazing how bipolar can trick you. How it can lull you into a false sense of security. When there's been weeks of absolute bliss. When I'm pampered and cherished and spoilt and made to feel like the most treasured person on Earth, it's easy to f... View more

It's amazing how bipolar can trick you. How it can lull you into a false sense of security. When there's been weeks of absolute bliss. When I'm pampered and cherished and spoilt and made to feel like the most treasured person on Earth, it's easy to forget that the horrible times will come around again. The cruel things will be said again and of course, the pain will come again to knock me for six. I'm blamed for the failures and it's again brought to my attention my weakness as I cry and lose sleep. I'm again told to seek help from a Psychologist as I'm the one with the problems. I've been here before. I wonder again if he really loves me. Is he still here because he simply has no-where else to go? Does he remember saying those cruel words? As the next 'cycle' begins, I start to hurt all over again. His mannerisms and actions change and I'm discarded. All I need is a hug and to be told that he still loves me but I know it's near impossible for him to take me in his arms at this time. I love and accept this beautiful Man - I can't imagine my life without him, but sometimes I really need to dig deep to find the strength to continue. I can't help but think, as I sit here typing away in the middle of the night, how unfair this all is. How we could find each other but be unable to truly share our lives together. I feel robbed and angry and want to scream at the top of my lungs. "Why can't this be different"!!

Mads_ friend just come out of hospital with anorexia
  • replies: 2

Hi, my close friend (16) just came out of hospital with anorexia. I'm so scared that im going to mess everything up by saying something wrong to her causing her to go back into hospital. I know how much she wanted to go home, so I don't want to risk ... View more

Hi, my close friend (16) just came out of hospital with anorexia. I'm so scared that im going to mess everything up by saying something wrong to her causing her to go back into hospital. I know how much she wanted to go home, so I don't want to risk being the reason for her getting admitted again. She seems to be progressing well for now. Is there anything I should/should not say to her? I usually don't bring it up in conversations with her, should I? Thanks.

Carister 1st time poster; husband of 30 years with chronic depression
  • replies: 8

I don't quite know if I'm in the correct area for this. My husband (of 30 years) has terrible depression. he's on medication, but I'm not sure if it really helps. He has no job after losing it 7 years ago as a direct result of his depression. He has ... View more

I don't quite know if I'm in the correct area for this. My husband (of 30 years) has terrible depression. he's on medication, but I'm not sure if it really helps. He has no job after losing it 7 years ago as a direct result of his depression. He has no social interaction with anybody save myself and our teenage daughter. She is in that age group where she is either embarrassed or resentful of being parented, young people naturally go through this of course. If we go out (daughter and I), to the shops, school function/event, whatever, he never comes. I can't get him in to see anyone - basically he is not in any way comfortable talking about any of this to anyone - not even myself. Sometimes I look at him and I'm aware of the terrible isolation and sadness within him, but its almost impossible to even broach the subject of hows hes feeling. He just says we'd be better off without him and won't talk about things. I've tried to encourage him to help him feel better, try to help him find employment, but its quite futile (I feel). I now almost feel my daughter and I should look for somewhere else to live, but I'm worried he'd end up on the street as he almost has an inability to carry on with life in general. Basically, I just don't know which way to turn for help. Any advice would be welcome.

Jiglez Gf has depression
  • replies: 1

So my gf has depression and I think it could be affecting me. We have been together for over a year now which has been good for most parts of it. The person I was 2 year's ago had some sort of passion and desires but now it's all gone down the drain ... View more

So my gf has depression and I think it could be affecting me. We have been together for over a year now which has been good for most parts of it. The person I was 2 year's ago had some sort of passion and desires but now it's all gone down the drain (now I don't know if I was depressed beforehand or not but I've always had numbing feeling which probably doesn't help) Anyway my gf has even noticed little things either it me just not seeming happy or me just staring at a wall for a while. I feel like her depression could be rubbing on me. I have been trying my hardest to support and help in anyway I can but it seems like nithing. I feel like I'm struggling here from supporting her to supporting myself. It all seems like too much work for me. I'm trying to keep up but I can't Sometimes I wish could just run away I feel like depression could be creeping up on me and hard. I feel like I'm lost and tired of everything. Now I am the kinda person that "soldiers on" and feels solid but I think I'm breaking. Going to talk to a professional isn't my first choice, hence why I'm on here. If anyone could help me on what to do that would be appreciated

Silentlycrumbling Husband putting all the blame on me for mental health and addiction
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone , I apologise in advance for the long post. I have been with my husband for 15 years and we have two young children together. He has always had a problem with smoking pot and depression for around 8 years ( looking back now he has had sig... View more

Hi everyone , I apologise in advance for the long post. I have been with my husband for 15 years and we have two young children together. He has always had a problem with smoking pot and depression for around 8 years ( looking back now he has had signs since the start). Three years ago his mother passed away and he went down hill . He has lots of periods where he can’t get out of bed, won’t turn up to work , pushes everyone away and stays like that for a week or so . When he comes around he expects everyone to just go on like normal and now that he is good everyone else should be good too. I work full time , do everything related to our children do all the things related to the house , all the food and bills and just asking him for some help around the house and with the kids can set him of . I come home and see that he is smoking pot in the house ( which I have told him I don’t want the children around ) and he tells me I just have to deal with it . He says the only problem we have is me asking for help and getting angry about the pot because if I didn’t everything would be fine . He has also said I’m the reason he gets depressed. Im at the point where I don’t say anything because I’m scared but it’s eating me alive. I want our children growing up in a house where they don’t have to walk on egg shells and they see family as one that walks on eggshells. I have thought about leaving but he has told me many times that we are all he has and I worry about his safety. He is medicated but currently that’s all he does . I’m in the. Process of getting help and talking to someone because I believe I’m showing signs of anxiety. My eldest child is also quite anxious and also getting help . i would love to hear from people in the same situation or who have been here . It’s so mentally draining . He tells me not to tell a sole anything or it could set him of so I’m constantly in fear that Anything I do will set him of. A year ago I come home from work to a note saying he was gone and he couldn’t do this anymore so I called the police and his best friends and 24 hours later he was found . He got so angry at me for getting help and can’t see why him leaving That note and leaving would cause me any grief. I don’t think myself or my kids can handle much more thank you

Rockpool Partner is showing signs of depression, pushing me away
  • replies: 18

Hi all I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this. I don't know if it's for advice, or for reassaurance that I'm not alone. Anyway, whatever the reason, I have found these forums to be so helpful, and while this is my first time posting, it's not the ... View more

Hi all I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this. I don't know if it's for advice, or for reassaurance that I'm not alone. Anyway, whatever the reason, I have found these forums to be so helpful, and while this is my first time posting, it's not the first time I've visited. My partner of 5 years is displaying signs of depression. I have several years of my own experience of depression being hospitilzed a 6 years ago, and on medication for around 7 years now. I know the signs, but my partner has always been happy go lucky, someone who just "got through life" and supported me through my down times and loved me no matter what. He's always been a fit and happy guy, but over the last two years he's had several bouts of serious illness that has impacted his ability to exercise and keep fit. Over the last year, I realised that this has profoundly impacted his mental health. On a couple of occasions, he's been very low, pushing me away, saying that I deserve someone better than him and that he can't love me the way I deserve to be loved. However he's always come back up again, and things were fine. These episodes have become more frequent, and lately he's been very distant, isn't happy to see me after a long day at work and isn't affectionate with me anymore. I have tried to say that I think he needs to see someone, talk about what's going on in his head, but he doesn't listen. He just says that he needs to "take action" but doesn't know what that action is. I know he thinks that 'letting me go' is one of these actions that needs to happen, but I believe this is his illness talking, not him. I also have to add that we've just moved to a a new city and don't know anyone here. I like to think that I'm very understanding. I give him space when he wants it, I don't complain when he wants to sleep by himself and I'm willing to see past the way he acts with me, because I know that this isn't him. When he's not down, he's beautiful. He's the love of my life and I'm not willing to let him go just yet. I am going to give him time and space while also trying to encourage him to seek help. I know that I have to ensure I'm ok too, and after years of living with this awful illness, I've developed coping mechanisms that I truely believe in. I guess this post was to just air my feelings, as I don't have anyone who can possibly understand to talk to. I wouldn't mind though if someone else felt like sharing their experiences, as I do feel really alone right now. Thanks.