Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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I'm trying to help my son but failing

replies: 8

Hello everyone, I am new to the forums and at a loss how to help my 25 yr old son. He is the eldest of 3 boys and has grown up with sporadic contact with his father. Our marriage broke down 16 years ago. He has been a wonderful son and brother but slowly over the years this has changed. He returned home in Jan. after a relationship break down, his doing. In that time he secured casual work, a few hours a week. He sadly has very few friends and slowly has isolated himself by using his phone and xbox most of his waking hours alone in his room. His self loathing is very high and he has very low self esteem. He is a gifted singer and is aware of his talent which has brought great joy in the past, but not anymore. The guitar he promised he'd use regularly when I bought it for Christmas has been used twice. The past 2 weeks has seen him leave his room only if I'm not home. When he knows I'm due home he leaves before I get here. My youngest son is struggling with yr 12 and not wanting to be here as his brothers' behaviour is so draining. I am trying to be patient but this past week he did not get out of bed for 4 consecutive days . As I do shift work returning home to a peaceful sanctuary is important to me and I've worked very hard to create this. I am now receiving msgs from people asking why he's not showing up for appointments. I know he's unwell and so does he but he seems paralysed in moving forward. He has not completed any tertiary study, has started a few courses but either drops out or is asked to leave, due to non attendance or not submitting work. He has no interest or he thinks ability to complete study either on line or face to face. He has never held permanent employment and admitted last night, after another 24hours in his room, that he's been told by a third party, that in a few months his casual employment will cease. His behaviour over the past fortnight is a result of this as he hates to and is very anxious applying for work, as he never gets the job. I can see his pain but any offer of support is dismissed. He is aware of his anxiety, seeks sporadic help and is medicated. However life cannot go on like this. I am getting support for myself but really wish he'd pack up and go. Obviously this is not the solution. He is a compassionate, empathic being and watching him in so much pain is heartbreaking. Thank you, I'd appreciate any feedback to help me help him.

My future husband and his self medicating habits

replies: 1

I’ve just found out that for the past 6 months my partner has been self medicating ( alcohol & pain medication) because his so tired and his trying to stay awake at night prior to this he has had depressed thoughts and has made self harming comments “ what you say to me makes me what to hurt myself” when conflicts come up he says “ you are going to make me do something you regret” He brought it up in a fight we have some what resolved it and now when I bring it up he claims his over it now and has things to look forward to and excited about .. i’m trying to be the best partner I can but I’m just scared/worried how to bring it up to him ... I want him to be honest and feel like he can talk to me about anything

Rising from the ashes

replies: 3

What do you do when your friend has just broken up after a whirlwind of romance? How empty do your own words ‘It’s gonna be fine’ sound while consoling her? Worst of all, how do you identify signs of depression? I was clouded by these thoughts when my very good friend, let’s call her Phoenix, was going through a bad breakup. I gave her usual words of advice, “He did not deserve you, you are going to find someone, drink your sorrows with alcohol”. Like a dutiful person, she tried to follow but she couldn’t just let go of him and the breakup in the past and all the self-esteem issues she had earlier. She was looking for validations from random hook-ups. She was so hurt, destroyed and withering in depression. I dint know what to do, worse, I had no idea she was in depression. There were signs, but they were camouflaged under the grief of break-up. Isn’t the pain of breakup same for everyone? Isn’t breakup just a normal thing and then you should forget and get going? No. The answer is a plain no to above questions. Phoenix saw the signs in her and decided to see a therapist. She decided to fight it for the greater good. It was not easy. There were so many moments of self-doubt, relapses, pain, hurt and anxiety. She had to go through it alone. Because, it is difficult to understand what it’s like to be in a therapy for person like me who had never visited a therapist. Thinking about it now, I feel bad for not being there. As a friend, I failed the fundamental promise of friendship. However, Phoenix rose above all. She found an awesome psychologist, did almost a year of therapy. She rediscovered herself. She was no more the old person that I had met two years’ ago. She was so happy, joyful, kind and forgiving. Phoenix inspired me and so many others to do something about concealed mental health issues. She talks non-stop about mindfulness; she wants more and more people to be happy and fight their mental health struggles. My Phoenix has indeed reborn from ashes and is now flying into the open sky. She knows no limit; she knows no fear. If you know anyone going through a bad break-up, don’t ignore them, don’t count their problems as trivial. Conditions like depression and anxiety attack in various harmless forms. Beware and be mindful.

Help got myself in a little pickle

replies: 3

Hi Theres an add on gumtree for someone wanting a dog to stop them from suicide. I replied just saying i understand what its like your not alone, and now im recieving full on messages. I mentioned bbforums to help to no avail. This person said im the first person theyve felt comfortable talking about this and wants to know my age. This person mentioned there on parole i dont know what for. Im now starting to feel extremely uncomfortable about this. Is is wrong of me to completely ignore this persons messages now to look after my mental health. cheers lynne

Need help! Worried about daughter

replies: 2

My daughter who has just turned 19 has social anxiety and depression. Apart from us, her 23 yearly boyfriend and a few loose uni contacts she is socially isolated. My husband and I over the last few months have become gravely concerned for her due her relationship with her boyfriend. Initially we thought her boyfriend seemed great, we opened your house to him although he never really interacted with us. A couple of months into the relationship he cheated on our daughter while he was high on ecstasy. My daughter went to the bar and when she came back, he was making out with another girl. My daughter left, he followed, a fight ensued, and he threatened to kill himself. My daughter decided to forgive him, and we supported her decision. He also promised he would never take ecstasy again. Fast forwards a few months, her boyfriend goes out, my daughter gets a call from his friend wondering if she knows where her boyfriend is. He has taken ecstasy again, gone missing in action for a few hours and cannot give her a credible story of what’s happened. Again she forgives him. Problems continue. We have asked our daughter to tell him not to bring alcohol into our house because it creates chaos when they drink. He disregards this and brings it anyway so we have said he can longer stay the night. He turns this back on us telling her we are controlling and that she needs to be more adult and not follow our rules, this has created a lot of conflict. He has driven while drunk with her, told her she needs to give him 48 hours notice if she wants to see him, berated her for drinking but then encourages her to drink a couple days later even though she has told him she can’t handle it. He gets moody if she doesn’t comply with him to the point where she is fearful to tell him if she is doing something for example meeting up with the social anxiety group she has recently joined. If she is spending time with me he gets annoyed so she tends not to tell him as there will be constant messages from him and often he has a crisis that she then needs to help with. He has gone through her phone without permission and also not been there for her when she’s told him her mental health is bad, the list goes on. Her mental heath has really deteriorated in the last few months, self-harming and had made an attempt on her life. I don’t know how to help her anymore. She is literally self destructing and I'm scared.

Helping my man long-distance

replies: 3

Ok so I’ve been seeing this guy for a while, I really like him but I never get to talk to him. I’m lucky if I get to talk to him once a week and when I do it’s “hey how are you how is everything I miss you” and that’s it. At the moment he’s a 5 hour drive away staying with his mum. He’s told me before that his mum has cancer, and I know recently she had a stroke. He’s shut me out and I get it but it’s really hard for me. I’m turning 18 on Tuesday and I cannot enjoy myself at any party’s I go to because I’m missing him and not able to crack on with anyone. I guess I’m just asking for advice on how to cope with missing him and how to support him from a distance when he’s shut me out and I don’t get to speak to him

Help...advice on helping my partner get through a really tough time.

replies: 9

Hi, first time posting. I'm after we advice on helping my partner get through a really tough time. Background story, my partners dad recently passed away. It's been extremely hard on him. They didn't have the best relationship his dad was tough on him. In an odd way there was love. Anything I do or say is wrong! I've developed a migraine, I've never suffered from migraines before. The first thing the doctor said was have you had any stress recently ?! I could have just broke down and cried there and then. I love him so much, it kills me that I can't take his pain away. He said last night his had enough. I complain to much and his hit rock bottom, and broke up with me. Yet didn't want me to do anywhere. We shared our bed and went to sleep next to each other. I am lost, I have no idea what to do. I've suggested he / we speck to someone. He refuses. I feel like an emotional punching bag. There's no intermincy to help cover up the tears. I'm just raw. Any insight is more then welcome. Thank you.

Burnout from partner's depression?

replies: 1

Hi, I haven't been here in a while. Life has been very busy and largely going okayish (no really bad episodes). But recently, I've just been feeling very tired and flat. As a bit of a background, my wife has BPD, in the past she has been suicidal with roughly seven (thankfully unsuccessful) suicide attempts in the last seven years that I've been with her. She swings a bit between depression and anxiety, but currently it seems to mainly be depression. She used to talk to me about how she's doing, but stopped that some time ago and gets extremely defensive when I ask, or worse yet, suggest that we go to the psychiatrist, that she hasn't been to in at least six months, but probably much longer than that. Our relationship currently isn't very good and I think some of that might be my fault as well. She's EXTREMELY negative and I, as a naturally positive person, find this very hard to deal with. If I fix something that she has wanted to be fixed for a while, I sometimes get a very brief "thanks", but it's usually followed by her complaining that I didn't do X, Y and Z. I'm really struggling with this and while I'm naturally definitely more of a lazy person, I just feel like this zaps all my energy and it's hard to motivate myself to do things that we want done if I know she's just going to complain about something afterwards regardless. I should mention that we also have a two year old son whom we both love, but he's not an easy child. He's very fixated on me, which she finds very hard to deal with. If she picks him up, he'll ask for me most of the time. Does anyone have any tips on how I can deal with my wife a bit better? Also, would there happen to be any support meetings for people with partners/family with BPD?

Losing hope

replies: 2

My partner has been suffering from anxiety for a few years now. He refuses to see anyone for it, won’t talk to anyone and has ruled out medication. His anxiety is debilitating and affects all parts of our lives. I’m beginning to resent the fact that I am the only one dealing with this. It's a lot for me to deal with on top of my career, my own health problems and general life. He refuses to reach out to friends and family. I’ve tried speaking with them myself to get them involved but they just sort of come and go. I feel isolated, alone, and scared for the future. I feel like I’m suffocating and that it is not fair for me to be shouldering the full load of this situation to a point that my own life and health are suffering. I’m not a professional, I’m his girlfriend. I can only love and support him which I do in bucket-loads. My life currently revolves around him. I have to constantly check in on him when I’m at work and have dropped everything else in my life. I’ve even had to cancel and cut short some work trips because he’s been in such a bad way. He seems to think his mental health problems are just going to disappear on their own or that he should just give up entirely (he floats between these two extremes). It’s getting worse and I feel myself pulling further and further away because I don’t want him to rely solely on me. He needs serious professional help. I told him if he doesn’t get help that our relationship will probably not survive. It’s not my proudest moment and I feel guilty for being so blunt but I feel it’s the truth and it’s coming from a place of love (tough love) because I want him to get better. I just can’t see myself coping like this much longer. It’s too much for me. I want him to understand that he needs to try everything and to stop ruling things out before giving them a go. When I told him we may not survive he said that there’s no point in trying then because without me he’s got no reason to live. He then broke down and begged me not to ever leave him. I reinforced that I need to see him taking some serious steps towards TRYING to get better. I just want to see him putting in effort but he still hasn’t made any appointments or accepted my suggestions to take action. I’ve offered to make and go to appointments with him but he just doesn’t respond to me or says (usually angrily) “you're not listening to me! I know none of that will work for me”. Am I being unreasonable? I feel like a monster.

Lost the love of my life and best friend.

replies: 10

G’day, Ive looked at beyondblue in the past but never thought I’d have to post something on here. I’m a bit lost and am just trying to find someways to help me get through life at the moment. I’ve been with my wife for the last 13 years(since I was 21 and she was 19) and married for the 8 of them. We have always been great friends as well as partners and said what made us great was we were a team, getting through everything together. We have both had a tough time in the last year. My wife especially has been very depressed(undiagnosed)the last 10-12 months. Last year my wife’s family friend killed himself. A week later my best friends sister died randomly in her sleep from an undiagnosed rare heart condition. A month later her pop died. Then 2 days before Xmas my shooting coach passed away. Then her grandma left us a few months back and 2 weeks ago my father in laws best friend died. She also left her job as a manager of a cafe. To get out of that industry, she is opening her own business tending gardens for people. she’s always had a drinking problem, her whole family are heavy drinkers and it’s how she’s grown up. Any social occasion, sunny day, knock off from work, holidays, any excuse really, ends up involving alcohol. When she finished her job she started drinking heavily and locked herself away from me. Emotionally and physically. We haven’t slept in the same bed since March and she hardly talks to me. She became increasingly angry at me and every time we tried to talk she’d yell and storm off. I struggled with it because I could never ask enough questions to understand why she was so upset and angry. There were a few small issues but don’t have enough space here to discuss everything atm. a months ago we had a discussion about it all and I felt a lot better about the situation and felt we had bridged a gap and we’re moving forward. She even said when she’s back at work she’ll feel better, drink less and I felt she’d have a clearer mind. Sleeping in. Drinking all day. Getting a terrible sleep each night from the alcohol. And being by herself has been very destructive for her. 5 days ago we had a chat and she said “I don’t see the point. I’m done.” I asked what she meant and she said were different people and she doesn’t want to be here anymore. she wants to get divorced. this whole time she’s felt terrible I’ve suggested seeing someone but she’s not willing to do it. i feel her drinking is clouding her mind but she won’t listen to me.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

I'm trying to help my son but failing replies: 8

My future husband and his self medicating habits replies: 1

Rising from the ashes replies: 3

Help got myself in a little pickle replies: 3

Need help! Worried about daughter replies: 2

Helping my man long-distance replies: 3

Help...advice on helping my partner get through a really tough time. replies: 9

Burnout from partner's depression? replies: 1

Losing hope replies: 2

Lost the love of my life and best friend. replies: 10