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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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future_ flight, running, i need councillors to talk to the mum about 17 year old with signs of depression, so one has to help me
  • replies: 17

I am a mum of a 17year old daughter and i am watching the classic signs of depression, she runs and hides when ever she has to talk about where she is at in life. I have tried a couple of councillors with her but she tells little cover up lies to the... View more

I am a mum of a 17year old daughter and i am watching the classic signs of depression, she runs and hides when ever she has to talk about where she is at in life. I have tried a couple of councillors with her but she tells little cover up lies to them so they are not getting to treat the REAL deep down depression and I think the privacy laws should be changed so the parents who are housing and look after these people, the councillors should be checking in with them because we can point out the white lies they are telling them and really get to the bottom of actually helping these young adults before their whole life is ruined. Instead we get frustrated at home because nothing is getting better because the counciler is not getting the correct true story. Please help me

Jess1516 How do I help my boyfriend with bad depression
  • replies: 1

My boyfriend and I had been together for a year and a half but recently ended out relationship, but still are very close friends and still see each other very often. Over the past few months I have noticed that his depression has gotten worse and we ... View more

My boyfriend and I had been together for a year and a half but recently ended out relationship, but still are very close friends and still see each other very often. Over the past few months I have noticed that his depression has gotten worse and we had a talk last night where he said he doesn't feel like he is a good enough boyfriend to be with me and that he needs to love himself before he can continue to love me and be with me. throughout our relationship i've always tried to help him and make him happy and boost his self esteem as much as I could, but I feel like I am just not helping and I don't know what else to do. I am thinking about booking him in to see a therapist but other than that im unsure. His depressions results in him being tired all the time and not wanting to go out with me and do different things he would rather always just stay in and stay in bed. It also makes him feel unworthy of love, lowers his self-worth dramatically and his image of himself, it makes him angry and defensive and very quick to snap and get irritable and it often makes him seem disinterested in things that i say or do, like his mind is always far away. I understand how it feels to be depressed as I have experienced that before and I have tried to much to help him and just boost him up and put up with his anger and not fight back but just rather keep calm and tell him to just talk to me etc. and to put up with his mood swings as best as I can. I understand that there are good days and bad days but lately it has been more bad and it just hurts me so much to see him upset and depressed and down about himself, because I truly do think he is amazing. Any advice on what I should do or any different approaches that can help with this situation?!?!?!

Perisha How do I help someone who
  • replies: 1

I need advice on how to help my dad with depression. We havnt been close in a few years and he used to be emotionally abusive to me and my mum (they’re now divorced, she lived a few hours away, I still live with dad as he lives close to uni/work). I ... View more

I need advice on how to help my dad with depression. We havnt been close in a few years and he used to be emotionally abusive to me and my mum (they’re now divorced, she lived a few hours away, I still live with dad as he lives close to uni/work). I havnt felt comfortable to sit down and talk to him about this kind of stuff or anything in our lives. Also I majorly struggle with straightforward talking to him, I just cry and am never able to convey what I need to say. But I know and recognise that he is depressed and I’m am legitimately scared for him so I want to help him. He hardly sees his kids, can’t exercise due to a bad knee, can’t afford a better car, and has started sleeping in the spare room instead of sharing with his gf. He’s spending more and more time alone and I need suggestions on how to get him help or how to talk to him , and what exactly to say. I want to move out and pursue my own dreams but I’m scared to just leave him in the state he’s in right now. Please help

Peanut_15 how to help my wife with health anxiety after trauma and loss
  • replies: 1

I am normally a very private person but i don't know what to do or how to help. The backstory - Just over a year ago my beautiful wife and I were expecting our second child, i was outside building a playground with a friend when he received a call fr... View more

I am normally a very private person but i don't know what to do or how to help. The backstory - Just over a year ago my beautiful wife and I were expecting our second child, i was outside building a playground with a friend when he received a call from my wife just upstairs in the house, he turned to me and said she doesn't sound good. Running into the house i found her laying on the ground in my daughters room face down repeating over and over again "somethings not right", i called the ambulance and they talked me through how to help and what to do as she got progressively worst and worst. By the time the paramedics arrived she was not longer able speak in real words, when they took over they could not find a pulse but she was still moving and gagging, when the second and third group of paramedics arrived they carried her out onto a gurney. At that point all she could muster is a hand squeeze as i said "I love you", they loaded her into the ambulance and put the lights on, i got loaded into the second ambulance, just as we were about to go her ambulance turned their lights off. She had gone into cardiac arrest, the driver of my ambulance went to help and i went completely catatonic. My driver approached me and explained what had happened and she had been revived but they were still working on her, so her lights went back on and they headed to hospital, we followed. Once at the hospital they did her C-section in 30 seconds, our son at 32 weeks was born but not breathing, i don't know how long it took before the news was coming through but she crashed and was revived two more times. They managed to revive my son but he was unresponsive, it was explained that he had to be sent to a different hospital with a NICU but he would most likely not make the trip. My son made the trip and my wife was still critical but out of surgery, She had a splenic aneurysm and her spleen had to be removed, she needed 14 units of blood. Over the coming hours i was told she would be suffering a degree of brain damage, they woke her (induced coma) the next morning and although unable to speak, she was able to write questions on paper, mentally she was OK. The next 15 days were hell as my son remained unresponsive and my wife learn to walk again, my son was brought to my wife so they could meet, my son was never going to recover and we had to take him off of the ventilator 6 days later. Health anxiety is understandable but how do i help?

Need_advice_19 Feeling lost and maybe stupid
  • replies: 1

Hi. Last year in April my ex fiancé who we have 4 kids all under 5yrs old run off with a younger guy she met on a dating site, took the kids and run to her mums house to meet new guy, about 2 months later she called me to sign over the kids to me ful... View more

Hi. Last year in April my ex fiancé who we have 4 kids all under 5yrs old run off with a younger guy she met on a dating site, took the kids and run to her mums house to meet new guy, about 2 months later she called me to sign over the kids to me full time as she wanted to start new life with him. I literally quit my job over nite to care for them, the reason she took of is because she was sexually assaulted at 12 and the guy contacted her later in life 15yrs later so she had a brain snap and did what she did. Got on the heavy drugs, started working in a strip club, and about a year passed when she worked out the guy she got with was a abusive man. In the end she was diagnosed with type 1 bipolar, ptsd, and schizophrenia. She kept in contact about 4 months before she left him saying she wants her family back and wish she never met him, the lies, sending her money, driving 3500km to spend kids birthday with her to find out she is in a motel down the street on drugs and kept against her will, she escaped him now and stays with her mum but wants custody back but says she loves me and wants to try again just to get to kids. The question is am I stupid and she is just selfish or is it all the illness?

Mrs_Sergeant Married to a Police Officer
  • replies: 32

Anyone else live with a Police Officer? We've been having problems for years, but 12 months ago we both went to the Dr & were prescribed mood stabilisers. I'm still taking them & feel great. Husband took his for a few months, kept forgetting, stopped... View more

Anyone else live with a Police Officer? We've been having problems for years, but 12 months ago we both went to the Dr & were prescribed mood stabilisers. I'm still taking them & feel great. Husband took his for a few months, kept forgetting, stopped & then started again & then took them sometimes & now he's decided he "doesn't need them" & has been off them for months. He knows that you aren't supposed to do that. So in a nutshell, he's an absolute grouch. (Only to me though, not to the kids) Yes, we've tried counselling in the past. NO, he will never go again. NO, I can't go alone. TOO expensive, NO babysitters. We have a viscous circle where, quite bluntly, if I don't have sex with him he treats badly, but then if I do have sex with him I don't feel much of a change in his approach towards me, so I put a wall up & don't really want to get close to him in a sexual way. He gets annoyed with ME because I want to tidy the house when people come over. He thinks I'm OCD. (Trust me, our house is FAR from perfect. We have 2 small kids.) Gets annoyed because I won't cook him a fried breakfast on the weekend. (A) it's unhealthy B) it's time consuming & C) I have too much to do rather than just create more mess.) We went to lunch at a club recently. He asked if I was going to play keno & I said no thanks. Got annoyed & called me boring. (We had played Keno the weekend before and had a nice win, but I don't feel the need to play often.) I'm always the last one to sit down of an evening but basically, in his mind I'm lazy and boring and do nothing. (I'm a mother of 2, who works outside the home 3 days a week & is currently preparing our house for renovation AND we have lots of family & friends who we see often so I'm the only one who organises these gatherings. Yep, I don't do MUCH!) He's a police sergeant & I will never understand the pressures he's under, but I can appreciate his work is stressful. I do as much as I can around the house & with the children, to relieve his stress. I'm certain he self medicates with alcohol. He drinks every night. Minimum 4-6 drinks. He doesn't get angry or aggressive. When trying to negotiate decisions for our home renovation he gets really impatient. I'm trying to calmly share ideas & he gets really short with me. Accuses me of "taking over" or "wanting everything my way." His communication with me is terrible. That being said, the department he's in for work DEPENDS on excellent, detailed related communication! Thoughts?

wombats How to help/support/survive wife with possible/probable bpd?
  • replies: 16

Hello, I have been having difficulties with my wife for about 2.5 years now, we have two wonderful boys (6.5 and 3), and been separated for the last 6 months. I at first thought that she was experiencing extreme pms, things were ok for about 2 weeks,... View more

Hello, I have been having difficulties with my wife for about 2.5 years now, we have two wonderful boys (6.5 and 3), and been separated for the last 6 months. I at first thought that she was experiencing extreme pms, things were ok for about 2 weeks, then out of nowhere she would switch for the next two weeks (irritable, picky, aggressive), about the end of which she would get her period. We would have arguments which would often end with me sobbing as I had no idea what was going on and the content of the arguments was often highly irrational. I started leaving the house to get away and to keep this away from the kids. Getting away became more common, and ended up in us being separated. I have had conversations with people who are familiar with bpd and they have said that its highly likely my wife has bpd. I want to return to my family, but I don't know if I can cope with the intensity of her anger and emotions, her inability to accept responsibility for her actions, and general refusal/disregard for my opinions. I have tried to get her to help by suggesting she sees someone about her stress levels but she refuses. I have also asked her to see someone because I'm asking her to, as I have been to three counsellors over the last two years because she wanted me to, but she refuses. Her GP has given her a referral, but that ended up being cancelled. Does anyone have any experience with and/or advice for these situations at all?

Angel82 Hard to not take it to heart
  • replies: 6

I've been with my partner for 10 months now he suffers from depression and anxiety unmanaged, also I think has a bit of PTSD from his past relationships where he was treated very badly. he is very guarded and finds it hard to trust me and thinks very... View more

I've been with my partner for 10 months now he suffers from depression and anxiety unmanaged, also I think has a bit of PTSD from his past relationships where he was treated very badly. he is very guarded and finds it hard to trust me and thinks very little of his self worth. I was in a relationship prior to meeting him for 20 years and I suffer depression as well but am well balanced on my current long term medication so I know what it feels like to go through the spiral of depression what I'm not experienced in is being on the other end of it.

Audrey17 Not sure what to do
  • replies: 1

My husband of 7 yrs has depression I came home after working away for 3 mths and knew something was wrong On asking he told me he was feeling down and had made an appointment to see the gp and psych. She told him that he's in a bad place in his head ... View more

My husband of 7 yrs has depression I came home after working away for 3 mths and knew something was wrong On asking he told me he was feeling down and had made an appointment to see the gp and psych. She told him that he's in a bad place in his head and needs to stop thinking about it and has put strategies in place to help him. The problem is he's not suppose to talk to me about how he's feeling. The problem is he's distant and I feel on my own. There's no affection I feel like I need to be careful about what I say and do and take on more of the household chores. I'm also worried that he might look outside of our marriage as he did to an extent when he was depressed this bad before. I don't know what to do or how to behave. There's no affection or intimacy between us and I don't know what to do to fix it or if I can. Can you please give me some guidance

Thea4 Please help me, help him
  • replies: 1

My husband and I have been together for 12 years (married for 4yrs). 7 months ago I became unwell myself with psychotic depression and OCD. My husband supported me throughout admissions and while I was off work. I’m now really well and back at work f... View more

My husband and I have been together for 12 years (married for 4yrs). 7 months ago I became unwell myself with psychotic depression and OCD. My husband supported me throughout admissions and while I was off work. I’m now really well and back at work full-time however in the last week he has been very distant. He then expressed that he feels low, is not sleeping well, has been isolating himself and told me he wants to be alone. Last night he said that he no longer wants to be together as he feels things changed since I became unwell and has been feeling this way for the last few months. He stated he was unhappy, he feels lost and feels as though our relationship has changed. I’m absolutely heartbroken, shocked and empty. I don’t know what to do, as I’m concerned he is depressed and not dealing with things and doesn’t really mean what he has said. But then it is really hard living with someone you love who tells you they don’t want to be with you nor do they want to spend time with you. I just really want him to be his happy self but it’s hard when he’s pushing me away. It’s taking a toll on my own mental health and I feel as though I have nothing without him in my life.. just really struggling right now.