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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Silentlycrumbling Husband putting all the blame on me for mental health and addiction
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone , I apologise in advance for the long post. I have been with my husband for 15 years and we have two young children together. He has always had a problem with smoking pot and depression for around 8 years ( looking back now he has had sig... View more

Hi everyone , I apologise in advance for the long post. I have been with my husband for 15 years and we have two young children together. He has always had a problem with smoking pot and depression for around 8 years ( looking back now he has had signs since the start). Three years ago his mother passed away and he went down hill . He has lots of periods where he can’t get out of bed, won’t turn up to work , pushes everyone away and stays like that for a week or so . When he comes around he expects everyone to just go on like normal and now that he is good everyone else should be good too. I work full time , do everything related to our children do all the things related to the house , all the food and bills and just asking him for some help around the house and with the kids can set him of . I come home and see that he is smoking pot in the house ( which I have told him I don’t want the children around ) and he tells me I just have to deal with it . He says the only problem we have is me asking for help and getting angry about the pot because if I didn’t everything would be fine . He has also said I’m the reason he gets depressed. Im at the point where I don’t say anything because I’m scared but it’s eating me alive. I want our children growing up in a house where they don’t have to walk on egg shells and they see family as one that walks on eggshells. I have thought about leaving but he has told me many times that we are all he has and I worry about his safety. He is medicated but currently that’s all he does . I’m in the. Process of getting help and talking to someone because I believe I’m showing signs of anxiety. My eldest child is also quite anxious and also getting help . i would love to hear from people in the same situation or who have been here . It’s so mentally draining . He tells me not to tell a sole anything or it could set him of so I’m constantly in fear that Anything I do will set him of. A year ago I come home from work to a note saying he was gone and he couldn’t do this anymore so I called the police and his best friends and 24 hours later he was found . He got so angry at me for getting help and can’t see why him leaving That note and leaving would cause me any grief. I don’t think myself or my kids can handle much more thank you

Rockpool Partner is showing signs of depression, pushing me away
  • replies: 18

Hi all I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this. I don't know if it's for advice, or for reassaurance that I'm not alone. Anyway, whatever the reason, I have found these forums to be so helpful, and while this is my first time posting, it's not the ... View more

Hi all I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this. I don't know if it's for advice, or for reassaurance that I'm not alone. Anyway, whatever the reason, I have found these forums to be so helpful, and while this is my first time posting, it's not the first time I've visited. My partner of 5 years is displaying signs of depression. I have several years of my own experience of depression being hospitilzed a 6 years ago, and on medication for around 7 years now. I know the signs, but my partner has always been happy go lucky, someone who just "got through life" and supported me through my down times and loved me no matter what. He's always been a fit and happy guy, but over the last two years he's had several bouts of serious illness that has impacted his ability to exercise and keep fit. Over the last year, I realised that this has profoundly impacted his mental health. On a couple of occasions, he's been very low, pushing me away, saying that I deserve someone better than him and that he can't love me the way I deserve to be loved. However he's always come back up again, and things were fine. These episodes have become more frequent, and lately he's been very distant, isn't happy to see me after a long day at work and isn't affectionate with me anymore. I have tried to say that I think he needs to see someone, talk about what's going on in his head, but he doesn't listen. He just says that he needs to "take action" but doesn't know what that action is. I know he thinks that 'letting me go' is one of these actions that needs to happen, but I believe this is his illness talking, not him. I also have to add that we've just moved to a a new city and don't know anyone here. I like to think that I'm very understanding. I give him space when he wants it, I don't complain when he wants to sleep by himself and I'm willing to see past the way he acts with me, because I know that this isn't him. When he's not down, he's beautiful. He's the love of my life and I'm not willing to let him go just yet. I am going to give him time and space while also trying to encourage him to seek help. I know that I have to ensure I'm ok too, and after years of living with this awful illness, I've developed coping mechanisms that I truely believe in. I guess this post was to just air my feelings, as I don't have anyone who can possibly understand to talk to. I wouldn't mind though if someone else felt like sharing their experiences, as I do feel really alone right now. Thanks.

grt123 Trapped as a carer
  • replies: 9

I've posted a few times about my ex husband. He has PTSD and is an alcoholic. One reason (and there were many) we're not together is that watching him career downhill was killing me. Here's the rub: While I am loving being on my own but I can't shake... View more

I've posted a few times about my ex husband. He has PTSD and is an alcoholic. One reason (and there were many) we're not together is that watching him career downhill was killing me. Here's the rub: While I am loving being on my own but I can't shake responsibility for him. It's me that takes him to medical appointments, that fills out the endless forms and makes dozens of calls to services every week. His health is so bad now that he needs specialists and treatments that he can't get to and simply cant afford on his own - and there's no one else to help. He won't do anything for himself in fact I'm astounded by the level of illness and discomfort he will tolerate and not take action. I know he doesn't want to die but he will sit in his own excrement, feeling like death, and drink wine until he's pissed every night then complain when he wakes up feeling like crap. Other than take medication he's inert. Furthermore he just expects that I'll be there for him. Yesterday I forked out another $500 for a specialist and he didn't even thank me - he walked out of the surgery and waited in the car while I fixed up the bill. I have had a gutful of people telling me 'he's an adult and this is his choice' and 'you have to take care of yourself'. I don't have a choice here- I either help or he dies!

Jaygsxr1000k5 My wife’s depression is crushing me
  • replies: 5

My wife has servere depression. we have been together for 9years we have 2 young kids. Over the years sex has become a fleeting memory, when she gets drunk and doesnt get her way she gets abusive and sometimes physical. Recently she told me to show h... View more

My wife has servere depression. we have been together for 9years we have 2 young kids. Over the years sex has become a fleeting memory, when she gets drunk and doesnt get her way she gets abusive and sometimes physical. Recently she told me to show her how i feel etc so i did and it lasted a week before she said she didnt want me to hug her when i got home from work, i would write little letters to tell her how much i love her and how good and beautiful she is and nothing. Its a constant cycle of me being unhappy and I finally tell her then she gets angry and says its my fault and i cant blame her then she goes into a downward spiral and i end up having to be nice and my problems just get pushed aside. I’ve had periods of depression myself because of the situation im in but im ok now im just so unhappy, i love my wife i love my kids and i dont want to leave but im miserable. I got the snip on thursday at the clinic where my wife works and as we were leaving she and her friends are laughing and joking about it, i told her before that i didn’t appreciate jokes about it but then she gets the shits at me for being unhappy about her joking about it, im still not happy and she is in bed in a deep depression because of me telling her how i feel so now again i have to be nice and my problems get pushed to the side. I dont know how long i can do this for, i dont know what writing this will accomplish but no one i talk to really seems to understand, they are sympathetic but that doesnt help. I just dont know how i can keep going through this cycle. We have just looked into electric shock theropy as medications have stopped working but this is a large financial and time burden which introduces more stress into the situation but it needs to be done. Then i wonder if it works and she becomes happy will things between us get better or will she want to find happiness elsewhere. Im just so lost and unhappy.

Swarner97 I need help with my boyfriends depression
  • replies: 1

Hi all, I’m a bit of a newbie here and I would appreciate any advice I can get. My partener and I have been together for 7 months now, though in the last 3 months he has opened up to me about his depressive tendencies and it seems to be getting worse... View more

Hi all, I’m a bit of a newbie here and I would appreciate any advice I can get. My partener and I have been together for 7 months now, though in the last 3 months he has opened up to me about his depressive tendencies and it seems to be getting worse. A huge part of his mental illness is never having “enough time”. He is always running late to things, never time manages properly and is constantly feeling too overwhelmed by the pressure of day to day life. All equating in being rushed and therefore hating himself because of it. I have always tried my absolute hardest to be as supportive as I can be knowing this is what he is going through (his time problem amongst his own self hatred) though it is dramatically impacting his ability to get help and be in our relationship. He is open to seeking professional help, though always says he ‘doesn’t have enough time’ too. As a musician any time he isn’t working he deems time to be practicing or going to the gym (his form of self improvement). He constantly gives himself ridiculously high standards for his career that can never be met (a form of self sabotage) and then gets angry when he fails. When it comes to our relationship he never has time to see me either. Seeing him once a week is a constant battle. Talking to him over messenger is impossible and when I do get a change to chat to him on the phone every so often it will be for 10 minutes and he is quite distant. He says that the happiest he is, is when he is with me, that he doesn’t feel angry at himself. Though since this isn’t often due to him never finding the time to see me, I’m scared he does spend a lot of his time hating himself and not helping himself. I love him, so very much and I want to fight for him and give him as much support as I possibly can. Though its getting to a point where I’m giving so much of myself to reaching out to him and I’m getting next to nothing in return. I keep telling myself that it will get better, that he will end up seeking help and eventually find time to be present in our relationship again. Though it is so hard to keep fighting like this, especially when I know he is so sad at life and himself. Do any of you have any tips for someone who has problems with time like this or are you in a relationship with someone who struggles with depression and can’t make time for you? Please help me.

obie92 Understanding mental health
  • replies: 6

i am trying to understand the impact mental health has on persons/people in society in all its forms anxiety, depression and suicide. as i struggle to understand my brother and his mental health issues, as i am blunt and a less-emotional person i loo... View more

i am trying to understand the impact mental health has on persons/people in society in all its forms anxiety, depression and suicide. as i struggle to understand my brother and his mental health issues, as i am blunt and a less-emotional person i look to this group to help educate me so i can understand not only why this is an issue for society but also how these issues affect my brother and how i can use this information to not only better understand him, but myself as well.

Gaylemb Ice addiction
  • replies: 6

My daughter is addicted to ice and marijuana, she is a single mum with 3 kids, she has lost s much weight I hardly recognise her. She is paranoid, says her phone is bugged, now her house and car too. I don't know where to turn or what to do. She's be... View more

My daughter is addicted to ice and marijuana, she is a single mum with 3 kids, she has lost s much weight I hardly recognise her. She is paranoid, says her phone is bugged, now her house and car too. I don't know where to turn or what to do. She's been to doctors, they just prescribed medication, I'm so scared for her and the kids

Qball101 How do know if she needs support for depression or if I should just move on?
  • replies: 5

I've been in a relationship with someone for 3 years. When we met she was unhappily married to someone who is emotionally abusive. She is now in the final stages of her separation and he will move out soon. She has two young children. I know she's st... View more

I've been in a relationship with someone for 3 years. When we met she was unhappily married to someone who is emotionally abusive. She is now in the final stages of her separation and he will move out soon. She has two young children. I know she's struggled with her mental health and confided in me that she had an episode of bulimia. Throughout her separation she said that I have been the one thing that's kept her sane. Above all else, I've just wanted to help her be the happy person all the time she is with me. She's been struggling with her feelings because of her children and recently I've felt her start to push me away. Initially, I thought little of it, she was going through a tough time with much on her mind. Then I started to feel her distance more when together, like she didn't want to be cuddled. We talked and she said she needed space, she broke down and wept and I said I would always be her friend and support her whatever. Last week she was sending messages saying I was her best friend, how she loved me, couldn't imagine a life without me, was everything she wanted in a partner, but just needed to feel right about it all etc. This really messed with my head and my mental health has been deteriorating anyway (I'm suffering from insomnia, can't eat and am seeing a counselor). Out of fear of losing her I gave her an ultimatum. She phoned me and was hysterical, she started talking about suicidal thoughts. I immediately realised what I'd done and felt so bad about it, but sometimes sorry just doesn't convey what the other person needs. We've not talked much since. She has sent me a couple of messages hoping I'm okay and saying she needs space from any extra stress. I've tried to be supportive by stepping back. Last night she sent me a message hoping I was okay but saying it wasn't just me, she now didn't know who she was anymore. I replied saying that she could take as much time and space as she needed and I would be here for her as a friend when she needed me. Today there's been nothing. I am worried but know she is speaking to a counselor. I want to support her but it's so hard, we were so close. I feel I should reach out to her in a few days if I've heard nothing to say I care and am thinking of her but is this invading her space? If it's depression, then I want to help and will swim upstream through rivers of treacle for her. If she just doesn't love me anymore I need to try and move on for my own sanity. How do I work out which it is?

MummaB Mum and Dad desperately need help with 29 year old son suffering deep depression and severe anxiety
  • replies: 1

Hi Where do I start? My husband and I are at our wits end on how to help/ cope with our 29 year old son who is severely depressed and anxious. He also shows signs of OCD. He does not sleep and often says he’s not slept at all. As you can imagine bein... View more

Hi Where do I start? My husband and I are at our wits end on how to help/ cope with our 29 year old son who is severely depressed and anxious. He also shows signs of OCD. He does not sleep and often says he’s not slept at all. As you can imagine being so sleep deprived often results in him having a very short fuse!! He also sweats quite profusely. He has not worked for the past 7 months or so. He left school in mid Yr 10 because was being bullied and did do a welding course and the tried Plumbing but didn’t see it through. He has worked sporadically as a labourer ( my husband is a bricklayer) and so has found him work. And he has also worked in a few jobs found by signing on with agencies but never last more than a few months. However he has not been happy for past 10 years and at this present moment is at an all time low. He simply refuses to seek any kind of professional help. He is very bright and poo poos any requests or suggestions of seeing a GP, counseling etc He’s read many books on self help positive cognitive therapy etc. About 18 months ago he decided he was going to go to TAFE and do a course that was equivalent to doing Yr 12 and would enable him to go to uni or equivalent, He did often struggle to get up and go some days and found the studying very difficult , almost giving up but did complete and we were immensely proud. He did talk to counselors at TAFE and his teachers knew of his struggles. We have also threatened tough love and to kick him out if he does not do anything, however we’ve not had the guts to follow through in case he does what he threatens and kills himself? This was 7 months ago and he has talked about getting a job and has been offers a mechanic apprenticeship but not sure now. Anything he starts he commits to 120% and is excessive in his approach. He constantly says he doesn’t want to be here and that death is the only solution but he won’t do that because of the affect it would have in us. This very morning I’ve endured one of his rants about “What’s the point? That he’s never happy I asked him if he knew what I was supposed to do as a parent hearing him say he’d like to end his life? That I should call 000 and he was Angry and disdainful. Both my husband and I have visited GP’s and councillors I have access to free counseling and have talked to psychologists many times Apologies that this is so disjointed. How do you help an adult who refuses help?? We have no idea how to get out of this mess? Exhausted Mum

Nicki29 Loving mother who wants to help my daughter
  • replies: 4

Hi all I will try and keep this as short as I can. I am a loving mother to a 29 year old daughter who has had depression since she was a teenager. Her father and I have both tried and tried over the years to help her but she has continually pushed us... View more

Hi all I will try and keep this as short as I can. I am a loving mother to a 29 year old daughter who has had depression since she was a teenager. Her father and I have both tried and tried over the years to help her but she has continually pushed us away and says that she is fine. She is now a mother to 2 boys. These little boys are so beautiful and so placid and now they are being subject to a mother who is a drug addict. It is ripping my heart out and I'm living in fear everyday that something is going to happen to my beautiful grandsons because of her addiction. Her partner and father to her children, finally confided in me last night and told me the truth about what she is doing most nights. She leaves the boys with him and drives to her local drug dealers house where she spends up to 2 hours at this house most nights. She uses drugs there and drives home late at night. Her partner is at his wits end as he told me that she is now snapping at the children when she cannot get her fix. She does care and love the children but I've noticed over the past few months that they are a little unkept (not having haircuts, dirty fingernails, messy house etc). I beat myself up every day and ask myself where I went so wrong for her to turn out this way in life but she only ever had a good childhood with family that love her. She was bullied a little at high school so I'm not sure if this all stems from that? She hung around the losers/dropouts at school too. She has never let anyone in emotionally so I just hoped she'd be ok as time went by but her life has just gone downhill basically ever since with not keeping jobs etc. Now that I truly know she has a drug addiction and my grandchildren are subject to this with their lives put at risk each time shes drives with them in the car, I need to step in and try to admit her to a rehab residential program as I cant deal with this worrying myself sick each day. Its making me ill and I just couldn't live with myself if I didn't step in now and do something before its too late. Please help me with suggestions on which way I should approach this as she is extremely strong willed and has never let her family help her in any way. I know that when I do approach her to go to rehab that she will refuse outright so I just don't know where to turn or who to turn to for help. I cant lose my daughter and my grandsons, they are my world. Thank you for listening, Nicky x