Supporting/married to someone that suffers from depression and anxiety

[Jamie1]

Just wanted to know how other handle there day to day lives being married to some that suffers both depression and anxiety on a daily basis? and if there are groups out there that have a meet up to express themselves and have a bit of a time out together?

[Bethie]

Hi

If you call our helpline they might know of something in your local area. I know in my case asking at our local neighbour centre or asking a Centrelink social worker is helpful. Centrelink put me in touch with a group that meets and supports carers in my area. Atm I only do phone conference because I don't like leaving my husband alone for very long but that's due mostly to my own anxiety.

Ppaying here is a great start as well.

[Bethie]

*Posting...sorry spell check on my phone😂😂

[Croix]

Dear Jamie1~
As the one suffering from depression and anxiety and other illness I can see things from the other side, perhaps that might be of some help.

You are right in thinking such groups are a source of strength and support and you already have a couple of excellent suggestions for finding support groups, our 24/7 Help Line on 1300 22 4636 being the best place to start. You doctor or your partner's doctor may be another source. Unfortunately here in the Forum we can't give specific recommendations.

Do you mind if I ask if your partner currently has medical support? I found this was absolutely essential. With your question about day to day matters it really does depend on the severity of your partner's condition.

It can range from a balanced life under medication and possible therapy though to conditions requiring hospitalization. Perhaps you would like to say more about that.

My wife had a very hard time, particularly to start with when she thought that at least part of my hassles were caused by her – completely wrong of course. After she had been briefed by my GP and psychiatrist she was able to take a less personal view.

As someone who had never suffered those conditions it was not really possible to get inside my head and understand my thoughts and feelings. She basically had to learn by trial and error what worked and what did not. This was made more difficult by my changing from time to time. On some occasions asking how I was worked fine, on others I’d be irritated or distant.

The knowledge she was there for me really made a huge difference, even if she was not actually doing anything at the time. On other occasions she’d do something I was supposed to, seeing the difficulty I was having.

I do know that she had support, and it made a big difference to her and her ability to cope. Her mum was there for her a lot. Do you have anyone like that?

All I’m saying is pretty general, would you like to come back and talk more?

Croix

[Jamie1]

Hi,

My wife has suffered for many years and this is due to her family and that lack of support over the years. Had a abusive step father, her mother was only there when she was abused by her ex partner and now her two older kids ( my step sons) treat her like there father treated her with no care in he world, always wanting and not helping or doing.

As of late ,we took on 4 of her sisters kids because the sister neglected her duty as a mother but all have returned to there mother and some to there fathers so being a kinship carer took a wack to our relationship because we had them for 5 years and with no regular support from DOCS , it just sucked for me but mostly my wife.

She is on medication but has issues with being open to professionals as she does not want to be abnormal or known as that, she just wants a normal life and be a better mother then her own.

thanks

[Croix]

Dear Jamie1~

It looks, at least from the outside, that your wife really needs to be away from the influence of her family. You both sound very caring people, not everyone would have taken on 4 kids like that and as you say it was quite a burden. Probably the fact they have gone back to their various parents is a good thing.

If her sons do take advantage of her and treat her with disrespect then something does need to be done, otherwise she is not really going to have the opportunity to improve. What do you think should happen? I guess it can be quite hard if they still live with you.

Not being open with doctors is a common thing as people do not want to talk about their problems and do mistakenly feel stigma or shame with their mental illness. Unfortunately this is not a real good idea. In order to be treated effectively the illness does need to be understood. There is a lot more to medical support than just medications after all.

In all of this you have not said what support is there for you . Living with a person who has anxiety and depression is not an easy life.

Croix

[Jamie1]

Hi Croix,

I do not have much support as most my family live in other states and out of the country but was interested to find out if there are a group of carers in the same boat as me to chat about whats been going on, maybe some ideas to deal with certain situations etc and just to know, when you are with that group, you know that you are not alone and there are others out there that deal withe the same situations on a daily basis.

The two older boys are a issue but in her eyes, if they walk out the door then she has failed as a mother. It is also hard to co parent with there father as he has no structure being a interstate truck driver with no day to day routines.They do not care about family, there two younger brothers, there mother, responsibility, chores, and all the other simple things in life that a child in that age gap (13-15) should be doing.

They love having a go at me as I treat there mother like my Queen and they just dont know how to deal with that because there father still mouths off the his mother and hes 43? so they think its normal but not with me.

I was brought up in church and was considering to return as a support to my inner self and to ease the strain and stress in my inner soul. But finding a good church these days is like choosing which party to vote for come elections.

I will be starting a new job soon so it will be interesting to see if my wife can handle the time apart for long periods of time (8-12 hrs) and to see if she can keep her mind occupied and not to fall in that hole of negative thinking because prior to this job, I started to do my own cleaning so left at a certain time the was back in an hour or so most of the time I was only away for 3-4 hours at a time.

thank again

Jamie

[Doolhof]

Hi Jamie,

You mentioned you are starting a new job soon, and along with everything else you have mentioned, you are concerned for your wife and how she will be while you are working.

Before you start this new job, could the two of you sit down and organise a "Daily Activities Sheet". Write down a general list for things for your wife to do during the day. You could schedule in time for pleasant activities, water the garden, do some house work like washing the dishes, having a shower or so on.

When I am depressed I find a bit of structure works for me. I have also written up a list of pleasant things to do when feel depressed, as if I leave it too long and become too depressed I can't think of anything positive to do at all. Then I can go to my list and decide what might be enjoyable.

Have a list of phone numbers like the one here at Beyondblue on 1300 22 4636 and Lifeline that your wife can use if needed.

You also need to keep doing things that you enjoy and find fulfilling. Hopefully you will find a good support group and maybe a Church you will feel comfortable in.

Keep on treating your wife like a Queen, and be King of your own castle. Wishing you both well in finding the help and support you both require.

Cheers from Dools

[Croix]

Dear Jamie~

A couple of things spring to mind when I read your last post. The first is that by the sounds of it those boys have had a poor role model to judge life by and now you are providing a good one. I agree one should treat one's partner as royalty. Hopefully in time all the children will see consideration and kindness as strengths to be emulated.

I'd imagine it will not be an easy process, perhaps by working up though the ages? If the older ones see the younger behaving in a proper manner then they may take note and want to join in. Trying to balance fostering correct behavior against your wife's maternal instincts can be a very hard thing to accomplish. Does she see your point of view?

Mrs Dools has a point in saying encourage your wife to have a routine in your absence. It might be tricky not to make it look like a set of orders, but if she helps make the list in the first place it could work out well.

In any event if you are anything like me the routine and distraction of a job can have a very beneficial influence - good luck with it.

Croix

[Jimbojones2020]

I really need help for my marriage is falling apart.

My wife has said that the thought of me gives her constant anxiety. She said that me typing on a keyboard and the sound of it causes anxiety spikes. Me talking about my work to her causes massive anxiety spikes because she expects me to blame her for my work.. She says the weight of marriage causes her to feel stifled and wants to divorce me to start dating me again.

It occurred to me that perhaps if I learn how to support someone with anxiety and then maybe this could bring stability back to our marriage.. If anyone has advice that would really help me.

Thank you 🙂