Back to the same again tonight

[myparis]

After posting last night, and grabbing a couple of troubled hours sleep, I awoke this morning to a quiet partner, going about his normal morning routine as if nothing had happened the night before. After I laid on the lounge crying, I decided to approach him and ask if I could talk to him. We talked and hugged and I felt reassured that everything would be ok. Today seemed peaceful, but tonight the same old situation reared it's ugly head. My frustration with his negativity and his lack of appreciation for all that I do, came back to bite me again, causing me to question "Is it my reaction to his behaviour that needs to change in order to keep us on an even keel?" "Should I just keep my mouth shut and cry and feel my anger behind closed doors?" Surely, though, for me to keep my sanity I should be free to tell him how I feel, without fear of reprisal or of him walking away from me in anger. I often wonder how much of his behaviour is caused by his bipolar and how much is his true self. I'm exhausted and feel guilty that again I have caused a fight because of my reactions and by me telling him how I feel. As he sleeps peacefully and snores, oblivious to my pain and worry, it looks like another night of no sleep for me, laying awake worrying about the future of my relationship. Tomorrow will surely be worse after tonight's fight and yet another night without sleep for me. I'm stuck on a treadmill and can't seem to find a way out of my brain trap..... We can only talk when it suits his mood and in the meantime I'm stuck 'thinking' he's going to leave me soon if I don't get my self together. Is this a common effect on Partners of those with Bipolar - for us to question if we're the ones with the problem?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I can sympathize with you a lot regardless that I have bipolar. I'm constantly struggling with my moods and hypomania and anything in between. I get triggered and immediately get upset and walk away only to leave my wife in bewilderment. It is hard on both of us especially when she has depression herself.

In any relationship there is the give and take and that's fine, accepted, with bipolar there seems upsets that cannot be avoided. issues unresolved and that cycle of which you speak continues. So as a bipolar person let me open up as to what the carer can do to avoid such upsets. It's from my own perspective so it might not be relevant to your good self.

• Immediate reassurance. When I get triggered usually during a stressful period, I fly off the handle, roll my eyes to the sky and walk away from my wife. This action is immediate and unavoidable. The best thing my wife can do is reassure me quickly, perhaps she said the wrong words etc. EG I just came from the doctors with some concerning news. My wife's reaction "oh, that means we have to delay our holiday". Immediately I am triggered because I'm stressed and I see her response as the holiday is more important than my health. After a few seconds she realizes and says "But the holiday is not as important as your incisions next week" But the damage has been done and I take time (usually about 30 minutes) to calm. The only avoidance would be - me to ask her if the holiday is more important BEFORE I'm triggered (meaning I learn to stop the trigger i.e. not possible) or she notices straight away my trigger and reassures me (likely never fast enough) ...hence the problem.
• Counseling. By far the most under rate effective assistance for bipolar people and their partners.
• Change of environment. I know from my own moods that this works. A $30 tent, a camp fire and a sausage sizzle can be an amazing relaxant even just overnight. Even big cities have national parks within 2 hours.
• Acceptance. Easier said than done. These ups and downs will never go away.
• Faith. All the symptoms of bipolar can be misinterpreted as loss of faith when there isn't any.
• The toll. I know my memory and ability to think as I used to has been effected. This interferes with my marriage. I simply cannot absorb things like I use to. My bucket is easily overflowed.

I am afraid showing anger is counter productive to a bipolar person as is raising your voice. His negativity can be countered in a different way.

to be continued.

[white knight]

How to counter a negative mindset?

Your anger is normal but it introduces more stress to an already intolerant mind. To counter it you'll need to be more than positive. Eg You would like to attend a counselor or therapist to sort out issues. You approach him about it but he refuses. You get angry....better to accept that it is his right to refuse. So - you go yourself alone. This means you are attending to now learn ways to cope with his attitude not for the original reason- to sort out issues together. He has the right to refuse, you have the right to go alone and make such refusal the main issue to the counselor. When and if he asks how the sessions are going you reply "good" but you should not go into detail- that detail is only for his ears when present at the appointment.

Boundaries. Bipolar people aren't easy to live with. Concessions are made more form their carer than themselves usually. But caring for you and your health, anxiety, frustration and so on isn't a one way street, he should be concerned for you not sleeping. Bipolar doesn't mean care level is effected. In many ways a relationship continues just like any other and the common reasons people separate are also included in couples involving bipolar. So if the care isn't there or is wanting, that is an issue to be addressed, not one which "oh, he's bipolar so I must swallow the fact he doesn't care". Again, bipolar doesn't stop one from caring, nor communicating, nor giving compassion.

Sleep. Google anything about bipolar and the necessary minimal sleep hours is number one. I know this myself as I have insight. I have had a CPAP machine for 6 years and it has made me so much less moody. Snoring is a sign of possible sleep apnea. Talk to his GP. Very important.

Self love. You are trying hard. Boost yourself up a little. Google: Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

I don't have any other things to mention. So: sleep, acceptance of condition, care levels from him, counseling even alone, review medication, patience, limit anger as a response, faith, change of environment, google bipolar and relationships and self love.

I hope that helps. Thankyou for reading and repost anytime.

TonyWK

[myparis]

Hey TonyWK wow - Thank you! It's going to take time for what you wrote to sink in. Putting your experiences and solutions into words means so much to me. So much is written about how relationships fail in our circumstances and little advice is given that is constructive. It's incredibly helpful for the advice to come from one who is bipolar, to give me an insight into how my Partner may see things. I, like your Wife, have depression - this often causes doubt and my brain is easily tricked into the belief that I'm misunderstood and unworthy. I can only imagine the daily struggle my Partner feels to try and keep his place in our relationship, as he also endeavours to deal with my problems. This of course is vice versa as I'm sure we both contemplate our words and actions before speaking or demonstrating. I suppose the difference is, to a degree, I'm usually able to filter before it's too late and before the horse has bolted. Most of the time, he can't. By the time things have gone from wonderful to unbearable, I've spent so much time preventing the inevitable fallout, by carefully choosing my words and actions that my self filter is left unchecked. When the bad times come around again, I beat myself up internally for 'saying the wrong thing', 'doing the wrong thing' and the cycle of doubting our relationship starts all over again. Frequently I find that if I'm content and happy and calm that my Partner is mostly the same. I find the pressure to always be content and happy and calm, exhausting. Keeping the ship afloat is incredibly difficult. It's now 3.05am and I've already started to run the scenario over in my mind as to how tomorrow will be. I know that I have to change my mindset. I'm scared that as soon as I start the day, the tears will flow, as they are now and he'll avoid me. How should I approach tomorrow? How should I greet him to have the best chance of starting the day fresh. My mind has already started to spin as I search for the positive part of me.

[white knight]

Hi myparis

How lovely you are! You will do anything to better your relationship including self focus and taking things on board well done.

Adopting a "water off a ducks back" approach isnt easy when it isnt natural for you. Try to say to yourself "he's not reacting like himself he could be tired so I'll let that reaction go".

Google - bipolar sleep life stresses

Bipolar is like living with an emotional bucket thats full of water and overflows at a hint of stress. Normal peoples bucket is empty and when stress comes it half fills then empties again...in rare events like a funeral it overflows.

In your first post here you mentioned all got back to normal for a while then the conflict returned. Imo this is a clear sign of the root of the problem not being addressed or it fumes under the surface. Counseling would fix this.

How do you help get over this now?

• Change environment - coffee at a cafe? Walk in a park.
• More laughter. Watch/attend a comedy. Get a dog. Share a past time eg we go caravanning and love our campfire/stargazing
• Acceptance. I say to my wife "I might be moody but I'm here with you, not in the pub 5 hours every evening". .. look at the positives.

Google-

Beyondblue topic depression is there any positive?

Beyondblue topic 30 minutes can change your life

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

Beyondblue topic depression and sensitivity- a connection?

Beyondblue topic switching mindsets

The sensitivity one is for you particularly. The switching mindsets one is also in that- when you are angry with him maybe consider hugging him?

Such change of actions can be life changing...to reverse your natural ways of reacting that can inflame to a physical act of care. Hard to do but reward usually comes in how its received. He can try this to.

Finally, my most effective method of quelling argument

Beyondblue topic relationship strife?- the peace pipe.

Its worked for us for 10 years everytime. Try to get your hubby in with this and you wont be fuming at 3am.

Feel free to keep posting. You seem a very caring person, if not you wouldnt lose sleep.

TonyWK

[white knight]

My lovely wife has just mentioned to me the complexities of a relationship with both having mental struggles.

Both of you have to work together on your relationship, him also. How he goes about that like you, could be determined upon your capacity to do so- capacity to discuss, the stress of it all and so on. Patience is important and breaks from working on it important.

The other things was at the end of a psych session once my psych told my wife that determining what is Tony's personality and what's his illness is difficult to separate. As a general rule I tend to accept my wifes depression as part of her with some special tolerance periods. EG when she is distressed I tend to just place my hand on her shoulder and keep quiet. Silence at that time is important as she is focusing on my hand on her shoulder. Sometimes we cant say anything to make things better at that time.

This knowledge of her irrationality came once when we built a large gazebo. I was on top of a long extension ladder and my wife standing on another shorter ladder on a landing. We had two clamps to hold things together while I drilled a hole for a bolt. I asked her to release one clamp and she released the wrong one. I dangled 7 metres from the ground out of control as the ladder fell. She cried and went indoor leaving me like a hang glider pilot stuck in a tree. I called and called out to her. A neighbor arrived and saved me. I laugh now- didn't then.

So I learned regardless of the danger once my lovely wife loses it- she loses it. lol. So we have to make extra effort to get to know out partners....and (in my case) don't climb ladders together...

I hope you feel well today.

TonyWK