1st time poster; husband of 30 years with chronic depression

[Carister]

I don't quite know if I'm in the correct area for this.

My husband (of 30 years) has terrible depression. he's on medication, but I'm not sure if it really helps. He has no job after losing it 7 years ago as a direct result of his depression. He has no social interaction with anybody save myself and our teenage daughter. She is in that age group where she is either embarrassed or resentful of being parented, young people naturally go through this of course. If we go out (daughter and I), to the shops, school function/event, whatever, he never comes.

I can't get him in to see anyone - basically he is not in any way comfortable talking about any of this to anyone - not even myself. Sometimes I look at him and I'm aware of the terrible isolation and sadness within him, but its almost impossible to even broach the subject of hows hes feeling. He just says we'd be better off without him and won't talk about things. I've tried to encourage him to help him feel better, try to help him find employment, but its quite futile (I feel).

I now almost feel my daughter and I should look for somewhere else to live, but I'm worried he'd end up on the street as he almost has an inability to carry on with life in general.

Basically, I just don't know which way to turn for help. Any advice would be welcome.

[Quercus]

Hello Carister and welcome to the forums.

It is exhausting to care for someone long term if they don't seem willing to help themselves too.

As someone with depression too I understand and accept that people around me have limits and needs that are equally as important as my own. It is easy to become buried in my own thoughts and not realise how I am affecting my family.

Have you felt able to talk to your husband about how his refusal to seek help is impacting on you? It can be such a scary conversation to start especially when as your partner feels you'd be better off without them. When my husband tells me he is unhappy it sometimes unintentionally confirms my thoughts that they would be better off if I was gone. But it is something I need to hear because I love him and want him and sometimes I'm so lost in my own head I forget to make sure he knows that by my actions and my words.

For me it helps when my husband gives me specific, achievable things he would like me to focus on that make him feel happier. This can be simple things like greeting him with a hug when he gets home. Having specifics helps massively.

You spoke about medication which means your husband at least sees a GP? Would it be possible to see the GP together perhaps so you could express your concerns about him and suggest a medication review perhaps?

Not being able to leave the house puts a great deal of pressure on you. It must be very uncomfortable to feel like leaving and yet know he isn't able to care for himself right now.

That said... your husband is very lucky to have your care and support but your health and wellness matters equally.

There is a thread I will find and copy for you to read that I go to often when I worry my loved ones seem fed up. It reminds me that I need to give in return regardless of my depression. Perhaps you can read it with your husband as a gentle reminder you have needs too.

Your post is so bittersweet to read because I relate to your story. 30 years of marriage and the fact you are so worried that you reached out here makes me hope there is still a chance.

But then there is the fact that he may not want to try and that is not something you can control.

I would like it very much if you felt able to write again. It isn't easy being a spouse of someone who is depressed. I would like to think we can offer some form of support for YOU as well.

Kind thoughts,

Nat

[Quercus]

Hi again 😊

This is the thread...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/need-advice-to-cope-with-depressed-partner

The first post is the one I go to repeatedly. I hope that it helps you to find some ideas to try.

[Carister]

Thanx so much for your response and also the links; I've read them and will re-read to get a better understanding.

My husband never tells me he is having a terrible day (though its very obvious). I think because he doesn't want to upset me more.

I have spoken to his GP on the telephone - the Gp is one of those older type who you would consider the country style town doctor. Very nice and understanding. He indicated that he doesn't push my husband to try to discuss things. He felt that very early on in this trying to force that simply wouldn't work, and would probably mean my husband would simply no longer attend the practice to get a repeat prescription. He said that there are a lot of men from his age group who were taught to 'suck it up' so to speak. They give yes/no answers to things in this area.

I did get him in to see a couple of mental health professionals early on; unfortunately the income won't stretch to us continuing to visit a psychiatrist, and he got angry at psychologists - all the 'what do you want?' type questions. He said if they expect me to answer this I don't need to pay them. I also think there is a massive stigma that he doesn't contribute financially so won't have me spend money on him (tho' I do reassure him constantly its not an issue) - it is a big issue for him as he feels hes failed us on that.

I constantly think of a quote I once heard; the people most in need of help are the ones most likely to refuse it. To my mind because they have to admit to themselves and others that they have failed or are failing.

Thank you again for the time you have taken to reply.

[Quercus]

Hi again Carister,

Thank you for replying. It is sad to hear the GP isn't able to help much. It makes sense that the doctor doesn't push if it means your husband still attends and gets meds but considering your husband is so unwell he doesn't leave the house it doesn't sound like the meds are helping much. Have the meds been reviewed at all?

It must be very frustrating for you to be unable to help him. Even reading your posts I found myself feeling helpless to know how to help so being in your shoes must be very upsetting.

Is there anyone you know who your husband trusts who you can ask to help? If friends or family are not able have you considered community groups in your area. Is there a local mens shed for example? Given you mentioned stigma is a massive factor do you think it would help for him to see and speak to other men?

Is it ok with you if I ask a few of the male volunteers here if they have any suggestions?

Nat

[Carister]

By all means ask other males if they have any advice in this.

I can't see him attending anything like a men's shed to be honest. I think his lack of employment is terrible for him - he always had a great work ethic- and he actively avoids anything situation where he'll be asked about employment, given our society, that's almost everything.

I also think he's never been one to make friends easily, much more a loner in regards to that.

I did ask about medication changes but was told they are all much the same in a lot of ways.

Thank you so much for the time you've spent answering this.

[White_Rose]

Dear Carister

Hello and welcome to the forum. Thank you for telling us your story. Like Nat I am pleased you have reached out here for help.

I had depression and it was dreadful. I still need to be aware of my moods and to take the appropriate steps. With this knowledge I have some understanding of where your husband is and I feel for him. I took a number of SSRI (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) medications for many years and they did nothing for me except have dreadful side effects. I wonder if your husband is in a similar situation. It may be something to ask the doctor. In the end my GP prescribed an antidepressant from the tricyclic antidepressant group. Do you know the potential side effects of the AD your husband is taking or asked your doctor? For me they were horrendous although that is not necessarily the same for your husband. I remember a work colleague taking the same AD as me without any problems while I constantly struggled.

Perhaps it would be useful if your doctor reviewed your husband's medication. While there are some slight side effects for me with my medication I am so much better. This is a decision for your doctor to make but he may not have considered it.

Does your husband go into your garden? I wonder if he could do some gardening. This has all sorts of benefits and he will be in the open air which is always a plus. Perhaps he could grow some vegetables and contribute to the family's well being in that way. This may help with with his depression. I know it was good for me but it is different for everyone.

Is he a handyman? Many men enjoy making small repairs around the house and possibly making items such as bookshelves. It may help his self esteem and confidence to feel he is a productive person.

What do you know about depression? Beyondblue has a variety of information sheets which you can download and also some booklets you can order completely free of charge. Have a look under The Facts tab at the top of the page.

I am unsure why psychiatrists fees are expensive for you. They can be claimed under Medicare. There is also a safety net provision. Once you reach the safety net with your out of pocket medical costs you will receive an extra 80% refund of the gap cost. I saw a psychiatrist who charged $250 per session and cost me about $95 gap fee. When I reached my safety net I paid about $17. It's worthwhile checking this out. Talk to Medicare.

I have used up my word allowance. I would love to hear from you again.

Mary

[smallwolf]

Hi,

I am responding to your very first post - hope that is OK.

I am going to tell you a little story. My father (late 70s) has been on ADs for quite a long time. About 2 years ago I crashed mentally, and after some medical leave, would spend each Friday at parents place. Let's just say that part way through last year, dad started to slide downwards mentally. And he was one not to talk about his feelings. Anyway, I would tell him about what I was going through, and little by little he started to open to me as well. As though he had been given permission to talk about his own issues. And little by little he then opened up to the possibility of speaking with a professional - getting prodding on my part.

I would only ask 2 questions - how are you feeling? and tell me what you are thinking?

It is difficult when someone you care about does not want or think they need help. But talking gently, without any persuasion initially may open up possibilities. And it took over a year for my dad to understand that talking to someone might be helpful.

There are other tips and tricks that I cam pass on my psychologist if you think it would help.

Tim

[White_Rose]

Hello Carister

How are you going? Haven't seen you around lately and wondered if you are OK. I would love to hear from you again.

Mary