New and just feeling overwhelmed with pressure

[Smc19]

Hi

I’m a mum of 3 beautiful child age 5,2 & 10 months I mainly came on this as I’m just feeling very overwhelmed & unsupported, my main thing is I feel anixous, guilty I overthink, I feel like a bad mother, a bad wife & I bottle it all up, my parents live in Ireland my husband and his mum dad really great people but any talk of emotion they go silent.

i haven’t slept a full night in 10 months, my 10 month old wakes up 2-5 times a night, my 5 year old sets the bed once most nights & my 2 year old wakes for the day at 5am,

i do do feel the lack of sleep is having a huge effect on my mental health,

my husband goes to martial arts classes a few a week and is now talking about playing 5 aside for 2 hours, I really am always so supportive as he gets depressed and need to be social & his passion is martial arts, I’m always the strong one giving positive advise, he’s got a fear of becoming sick so I’m forever reassuring him he’s ok, I get up early 9 times out of 10 so he can have a rest as I feel he’s less grumpy if he gets the extra hour or 2.

he wants me to try and make money on the side so he invested in a few things for me to sell but honestly I feel useless as I just don’t feel very confident or focused,I think I’ve just came to breaking point, I started a gym a few weeks back and it’s a lovely environment but even when I’m up doing yoga I feel guilty for leaving them in the crèche? My youngest just cries as one time I let him in when he was napping and he woke to me not being there so since he roars going in.

my husband has Ben sick for a few days and his complaining has really gotten to me as he complains a lot and doesn’t go to the drs, so I have been off with him so today he says he needs to talk to me & tells me I need to go back to the way I was before my mum & dad visited back in March, he said I need to get more organised I took this really bad as I literally can’t get my head to get enough to focus on anything other than feeding our household doing the washing cleaning school run park dates and bits in between my children are always well presented with full bellies and I try my best to make their days fun, this was like a huge slap in the face, I felt like why can’t he just give me a hug and ask am I ok?

Anyway my response was hot headed I told him he needed to stop moping about too he said he’s not ok with me like this that he can’t be ok that I have to be the level headed one.

so basically I have to always be strong? I’m lost

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Smc19,

First of all, I'd like to welcome you to Beyond Blue, and say well done for reaching out. It takes courage to 'peel' off the mask' and tell someone about how things really are.

I should also mention that I am not a mum, by choice, so I don't know much about how exhausting it can be. But I certainly do believe that it is VERY exhausting, and is in fact one of the reasons, among others, that I decided not to have children.

Also, it sounds to me that while you are so busy trying to manage your children and your husband, that you are perhaps berating and neglecting yourself, every time you do manage to do something that is for you.

Kids will cry, that's natural. I'm pretty confident in saying that that is just how they communicate. Please don't feel bad because your child cried, and cries often. It doesn't mean you're a bad Mum at all. It's just kids being kids. It reminds me of a story in a daily reader I have;

A man sat under a tree which happened to be full of pigeons, when all of a sudden the pigeons did what pigeons do ...... and hence his clothes became quite dirty. The man's first reaction was to swear at the pigeons for their 'offending matter', but then another man came along and pointed out that the pigeons were just doing what pigeons do, because they're pigeons. Not because the man was there. The man learned to check the tree first before sitting under it.

On another note, perhaps a tactic you could try with your husband is to suggest that if he doesn't want to be sick that he go to the doctor, or stop whining about being sick. One of the two. There's a lot to be said for tough love sometimes.

I know too that with some people, if you give an inch, they will take a mile ...... I have known many people in my time who have wanted or 'expected' me to do for them, what they could, and indeed should, be doing for themselves.

And finally, if you haven't actually told him that sometimes you need a hug and reassurance, rather than suggesting you 'get more organized', then may I suggest you do that? And if he is happy to help you get more organized ..... ie; him do more to help, then that's great also. I don't know what the '5 aside' thing is though? Perhaps he could find some activities for him and the kids to do, while you do yoga?

Remember, you don't have to be superwoman. Being a Mum to three is super enough!

Anyway, I don't know if I'm any help or not.

Take care, and try to enjoy your next yoga session, guilt free. xo

[Smc19]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply, in the end I told my husband exactly how I was feeling, he is very supportive and has said he will go to less nights at his martial arts to take the pressure off, I think I also need to talk to someone outside of our family...thanks again xo

[winkarol]

Hi Smc,

I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing?

I am a mother of 5 children - the youngest is 2 and the eldest is 15. One of mine has Borderline Disorder and I am on the forums to get a sense that we are not alone in our family struggles.

I understand how it must be having your parents live far away (as mine do) Are your husband's parents any help with the children - even if they lack emotional support.

It sounds as though you really need to put boundaries around the children and their sleep patterns - not one can function properly without sufficient sleep.

There is no reason for your children to be sleeping in your bed. I would suggest teaching the 5am riser to learn how to be quiet in the cot/bed until a more friendly hour.

Thinking of you....