Help needed

[Unsure77]

Hi

i recently walked out on my bi polar fiancé as it got abusive and nasty. I wish I had read Tony's post about the cuppa before doing so, I'm not a confrontational person at all, the is sure I cheated on her which I didn't as she contacted the person and was told the same thing, but still didn't believe either us. She told me she loved me and things would change every time I went back but never did. The last time I went back she hit me again so I walked. It's been nearly three weeks now I haven't heard from her. Her family hate me as they all think I cheated on her, she has told them I am a compulsive liar. I love and miss her so much.

have I made the right decision by leaving, not that I think I will ever see or hear from her again. She is all I have thought about since I left.

[Guest9337]

I'm still here... these are all just options for ya...

My hearing was working fine 5 minutes ago when we were calm, and now as you get louder I feel unable to process what you shout. The louder you yell, the less I will be able to understand you, please write that down, I will come back when I have recovered and you are quieter.

or

I am feeling the need to avoid your yelling, I'm going out the back yard to calm myself and give us both some space. I hope to see you in five minutes after I've had a breather.

or

Stop yelling! (holds hand up)

(quietly), so quietly she has to lean forward to hear.

P l e a s e t a l k q u i e t e r. whilst backing away... to your safe spot.

[Guest9337]

OR maybe > Some people need super hard responses.

The old famous swear word starting "f" "off" as loud as you can make it and then re-controlling yourself, right there in front of them. Because shouting might ramp yourself up, and showing your own control from there might calm them down.

[Unsure77]

A couple times after raising my voice back has worked but not often. I didn't like it because it's not me.

i have her new number which I'm not meant to know do you think I should send her a message or just wait to see if I get a response to the letter?

[Guest9337]

My first response is nope wait for response from letter.

My feelings about that response is mixed.

My thoughts, through my own perception of DV is to think like a military strategist.

What are all the risks of sending her a text/sms?

She's gonna know uve got a phone, she's gonna know the number, she's gonna know the contents of the sms.

That kind of stuff... so after you think about the risks, we think about how to minimize the risks.

Ok, hypothetically > I do want to sms HER... lets lower the risk...

I can hide my number by using the appropriate setting on my phone. OK that could work.

Anything else to add to that line of thinking?

[Unsure77]

Yes they are all the risks I have thought of and unfortunately you can't hide your number on an SMS , I would have to use a pay phone.

she will block me or tell her daughter which I will get another nasty email from.

or

She will want to meet up want to go through my phone to see if I have spoken to or been with anybody else.

[Guest9337]

I've got another line for you from a purely physical safety perspective... so highly important in DV.

Does SHE know where you sleep?

Have you asked the POLICE to assess your sleeping place for security and safety against an intruder? u can get that to happen fairly quickly I have been told, costs nothing too.

[Unsure77]

I don't think she knows where I am but at my house I do have cameras which I have checking a couple times a day. But from what I understand from where she might be staying is about an hr away and she doesn't drive.

[Guest9337]

Ok, so you are describing that she is an hour away if someone else drives, or she takes public transport or gets a taxi.

She may be unaware of where you live, but u are unsure.

The cost of the police assessing your house is zero.

Ok.

If you're not doing illegal things at your house, then I highly recommend that you book a copper to come round and have a look from his/her perspective focused on security and safety against an intruder.

Now get this, I've met a lot of coppers over the decades through sport and work and well... yeh, I am not predisposed to liking coppers, but in the strongest possible terms I can muster on this website I suggest you have a police officer do that assessment.

Ya with me here?

[Unsure77]

Yeah I know what your saying, where I am at the moment is like Fort Knox, I have seen on the cameras that police have driven past a couple times early hours of the morning, but I haven't asked for that.

[Guest9337]

Unsure77 said:

Yes they are all the risks I have thought of and unfortunately you can't hide your number on an SMS , I would have to use a pay phone.

she will block me or tell her daughter which I will get another nasty email from.

or

She will want to meet up want to go through my phone to see if I have spoken to or been with anybody else.

Nice thinking there, that's all good stuff.

You certainly can block your mobile number, even sending an sms.

If she blocks you, you've got your surety. Go see the kids mate.

Read or Block the email from the daughter, assuming that's not your daughter.

Make it a term of condition that SHE has no access to your phone if a face to face occurs. And, maybe don't take the phone, or take a burn phone with nothing on it.