Help needed

[Unsure77]

Hi

i recently walked out on my bi polar fiancé as it got abusive and nasty. I wish I had read Tony's post about the cuppa before doing so, I'm not a confrontational person at all, the is sure I cheated on her which I didn't as she contacted the person and was told the same thing, but still didn't believe either us. She told me she loved me and things would change every time I went back but never did. The last time I went back she hit me again so I walked. It's been nearly three weeks now I haven't heard from her. Her family hate me as they all think I cheated on her, she has told them I am a compulsive liar. I love and miss her so much.

have I made the right decision by leaving, not that I think I will ever see or hear from her again. She is all I have thought about since I left.

[Guest9337]

Ah well, I'll have to say stop to myself then. I can do that as needed.

but the violent... what they'll do is ramp right on up!

Is the ex the only violent person you've ever dealt with?

[Guest9337]

"one thing I know about her as she would never abuse any child as she used to have a go at me about talking to them about our relationship"

That is a ground of commonality between you and her, as it is with me.

So if you're going down restoration path, you've got that position to start with HER on.

maybe something like... I want to be around HER. I want connection with my kids. I need HER to never harm my kids, either verbally, physically or otherwise. etc.

One hypothetically could even ramp that right up as a condition too.

I need HER to be kind and compassionate to my kids all the time or it's all over.

If that rule turns out to be unmeetable and you find you need that rule, then you have your surety.

[Guest9337]

I'm keep at it...

Maybe SHE comes back and says. I don't give a stuff about your kids, I never want to see them, but yeh lets get back together.

What might ones response be to that negotiation tactic?

:Thank you for telling me that, I need to be able to phone my children every day and see them once a week. I am fine with never bringing them into your sight. And I'd think/feel we can work forward from there. (with my other conditions etc)

[Unsure77]

Sorry I was driving couldn't answer.

ok... I need you to talk with me calmly, but yell and if you I will stop the conversation and maybe come back tomorrow when you are calm.

[Unsure77]

Yes she is so it was all new and very confronting to me

[Unsure77]

That's a great negotiation if she does contact me and great ground rules for me to set and abide by.

a few times I went to leave she would block the door and in the end hide my keys so I would have to walk or stay, I never tried to push my way past her, I would turn around sit back down and listen to another hurl of abuse.

[Guest9337]

DRIVE SAFE FIRST OF ALL! lol.

Yeh newness can be confronting, and a new form of violence even more so.

I am relieved you made a condition for me, thank you, I agree to abide by your condition to the best of my ability.

So if SHE is onboard and negotiating honourably... SHE might say.

When I find myself raising my voice above talking loud, then I will leave the house and go and shout in the back yard.

OR.

I'll raise my bloody voice whenever I like! SHE's testing ones position if she says that.

That was what my dad used to say, he was allowed to be as loud as he liked/needed.

So how would you respond to either of those? Which is more likely?

[Unsure77]

She would be if and when she wanted to, then there would be an excuse of my hearing isn't very good, but 10 mins before hand there was no problem.

[Unsure77]

A lot of the times when she started yelling I would go out the back walk circles around the furniture to calm down and think, then it was you always walk away from me when I'm talking to you, I couldn't win.

[Unsure77]

The other response would be stop yelling at me as we can't work this out with you yelling. If you can't I will leave and maybe be back tomorrow when you are calm