Help needed

[Unsure77]

Hi

i recently walked out on my bi polar fiancé as it got abusive and nasty. I wish I had read Tony's post about the cuppa before doing so, I'm not a confrontational person at all, the is sure I cheated on her which I didn't as she contacted the person and was told the same thing, but still didn't believe either us. She told me she loved me and things would change every time I went back but never did. The last time I went back she hit me again so I walked. It's been nearly three weeks now I haven't heard from her. Her family hate me as they all think I cheated on her, she has told them I am a compulsive liar. I love and miss her so much.

have I made the right decision by leaving, not that I think I will ever see or hear from her again. She is all I have thought about since I left.

[Unsure77]

I would love to be able to negotiate with her about the kids and at one stage she even mentioned about having them in our lives and the following day it was all different. If she doesn't allow me to see the kids I'm not sure I could give that up again.

i am very worried about the dv side of things as I hit an all time low myself and tried to self harm a couple times.

i really appreciate al this dng

[Guest9337]

google search for "free resources for australian domestic violence sufferers"

Mission Australia seem to have a search engine that may benefit your research on DV and seeking allies on your mission.

Really isn't my field Unsure77, just so you know, but I have experienced a lot of DV from a parent a long time ago.

We tend to respond with flight/fight/freeze/fawn.

We run away, or we fight, or we freeze, or we try to appease. Are the four main responses to being threatened.

So we need to both ramp up our perception of being threatened so that we notice the early warning signs of HER becoming more abusive, so that we can start calming techniques.

But we don't want to be so nervous that we cannot control our responses, because we really need to control our responses when dealing with violent people.

So risks are very high.

You need to know things like...

What triggers the other person? What calms them down?

How do I know, what to avoid, so that I don't trigger them.

How do they know that they are triggering me?

You really need allies more powerful than me!

Police, government services, quick access to help lines.

[Unsure77]

I understand dng it all pretty much started after she stopped taking her medication, so I guess unless she takes that continuously it's defiantly going to be a tough decision .

[Guest9337]

And right about now my online bb forumming friend, whatever your real name is, Unsure77...

You need to know how to respond to feeling overwhelmed!

Like if I just kept posting up hoards and hoards of information, would you ever say stop!

... and how would you say stop? I'm going to be fine, like me personally how ever you say it, but how might you say STOP to HER?

Because staying STOP when you feel overwhelmed is going to be highly valuable for your situation.

dng.

[Guest9337]

Ok, that's great news there mate. You have your third position on the negotiation table.

I want to be with HER. I want connection with my kids. I want HER to be healthly take her meds.

I need to be safe.

and so on. keeping at it.

How would you feel if your kids came under direct fire from HER abuse?

What actions might you take to defend your children from HER, or anyone else for that matter?

[Unsure77]

Thanks dng

saying stop will be the smartest thing to do and try move on with my life.

thankyou for your support and wise words

[Guest9337]

The trick is to maintain our own needs and values, whilst using consciously designed tactics that reduce chance of conflict, reduce chance of conflict escalting, and reduce chance of harm coming from interaction at all.

Setting clear boundaries, that are not self contradictory!

maybe something like - You can shout at me, but if you shout at my kids, we are leaving immediately.

You're aiming to consciously design a set of rules to follow to minimise risk of harm, but maximise opportunity for peace also.

[Unsure77]

The one thing I know about her as she would never abuse any child as she used to have a go at me about talking to them about our relationship

[Unsure77]

I guess I will have to wait until she sees the letter and if she contacts me back. For all I know she has moved on.

[Guest9337]

How about a condition of your own for me? Something that says "dng, i need you to do ____, but not do ____, and if you do ____, I'm going to say Stop! But I might come back tomorrow.

Which is about being really clear to HER, that if she crosses a line youre gone for a short bit back into safety.

Then if she crosses a different line that you defined, you're gone for good.

Yo, so practice saying stop on me, cause I feel something interesting right now. My heart is racing and I need to know that you can say stop.

Could well be the most important thing you do for me today.