He doesn't love me anymore

Unloved_wife · ‎30-10-2014

I have been with my husband for 7years. Married for just a year. Both 32.

i knew before I married him that he had mental health issues before but I thought he had hold of them. He didn't.

We had huge problems at the beginning of the year, especially when he drank and finally he said he would go and see the doctor about it all. Months passes and it wasn't until we were in Fiji for a wedding and celebrate our 1 year he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, and really hasn't loved me since June.

I'm devastated. We get back and after many tears he finally goes to the GP. She diagnoses him with PTSD (from a big incident 15years ago) and anxiety. He is now on medication, only for less than 2 weeks now. But he's talking about ending our marriage.

he wants to move out, permanently. We've been sleeping in separate beds for 3 weeks now, he doesn't touch me or kiss me.

I have convinced him to give it a month to really get the drugs working, and to start seeing a psychologist (there was a big wait time) but I just feel deflated and so heart broken!

My husband doesn't love me.

i am trying to be positive and think that it's just "the fog" talking it's not him, but he's given up. Totally. He doesn't want to try.

Will this get better?? Am I an idiot to think he can change his mind and come back to me?

I meant my wedding vows - good times and bad, but how can I be the only one fighting for our marriage??

i feel so lost and alone.

HA1 · ‎01-11-2014

Hello Unloved

welcome to BB and thank you for sharing your story. Your story saddened me, because I know how much it hurts to hear those words.

But I was told once by someone much smarter than me that "you are not your illness". This is so true, and you may well find that this also applies to your husband. While he is I sick with this illness, he is not always himself. He will say things, do things, and behave differently, to what he would if he was free of this illness. No doubt he is also feeling that he is being a burden on you and will want to try and free you from his illness. But again, this is the illness making him think like this.

I don't necessarily know what the answer is to the situation you find yourself in with your husband. However, and many will not agree with my view, have you considered taking a break from each other. Stay friends and be close, support him .

take care

k

white knight · ‎01-11-2014

Hi,

Hideaway had such good advice and while reading your story Unloved, I was thinking along the same lines.

I would try the one way love for a while. Tell him occasionally "well I still love you and I intend to support and love you" then leave it at that, no arguing, no long conversations. Let those words sink in.

Then after more time you will know if he isnt himself and will want you to stay. Those meds will take several weeks to work. Another reason to hang around. If it doesnt work out in a couple of months post here again for support with the next step. We are here to help you.

Take care Tony WK

geoff · ‎01-11-2014

dear Wife, this must be devastating for you, and yes in depression we do make statements that aren't true, they just fly off the tongue because there is no logical thinking with this illness, it's all negative.

I too would have a break from each other, I know that the pain for you will still be there, but if he stays with you then there maybe times when you try and convince him that the illness is making him say this, but he won't realise or understand this so an argument may occur, which wouldn't help your situation.

Please reply back to us now or when you need someone to talk to, and that will be countless times. L Geoff. x

dougall · ‎01-11-2014

you are not alone.

Doolhof · ‎01-11-2014

Dear Wife,

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I agree with a lot of what has been suggested to you already. It will take a while for the medication to kick in and before your husband starts to feel better.

Although it is very hard and heart breaking for you to do so, I too think you need to give your husband a little space right now, still love him and care for him, but don't smother him.

I suggest you look up PTSD, depression and anxiety on the internet to have a better understanding of how your husband is feeling right now.

For yourself, it is very difficult to feel unloved and uncared for, I have been living that life for nearly 30 years now with my husband, but I love him and I am still with him, like you said through the good and the bad times.

Find things that you like to do, start a hobby or a craft, read those books you have always thought of reading, catch up with girl friends, go to the movies, invite a couple of girlfriends over for dinner, make sure you look after yourself.

Let your husband know you are there for him as other have mentioned.

I hope some of this helps you. Please let us all know how you are both getting on.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

Unloved_wife · ‎01-11-2014

Hey everyone, thank you for your words, they did help. He's been saying for a while that he was going to go to a friends for a couple of weeks etc and I don't stop him, I support everything but he finds reasons himself to come home to me.

I just want him to get the hell out!

thats the other thing. I feel a lot of anger towards him.

He's lied to me about how badly he was suffering with PTSD and everything else, he's told me he doesn't want to wake up in the morning. He doesn't want to kill himself he just doesn't want to wake up. He has even told me that he had these feelings of not loving me about 8 months before we got married.

I want kids I want a family and I feel like he has just lied to me so much! My trust is completely broken.

Then after that anger has passed I feel like a cow for thinking such things because right now he is sick and probably has been for quiet a while.

ive told him once how angry I was at him and it did upset him but he said I was right he was all those thing and did all those things.

I think I'll go join a boxing class.

thanks for reading this, I'm off to pack a bag and get out for the night, I shall keep you posted on any major developments.

X

dougall · ‎01-11-2014

Enjoy the boxing class.

Unloved_wife · ‎02-11-2014

I am so sorry for posting another reply on here but, we've been talking and he wants to break up for good. He hasn't seen psychologist yet, nothing. And he's saying that he is so unhappy with me.

Even though he admits that I haven't done anything, he's just not happy. I tried to tell him that it's his illness talking and not to make any permanent decisions until he's gone to the psychologist but he said he doesn't want me to get my hopes up about something that wasn't going to change.

This is so hard. I have somewhere else to stay every other night this week but I am so upset. I feel sick. He was crying so hard and apologising for messing up my life and sorry that he didn't talk to me sooner. I don't know what to do?

i can move out for a while but ..... I just want to help him.

HA1 · ‎03-11-2014

Hi!

You are being a wonderful and loyal partner to your husband. He is in his own dark space at the moment and needs professional help. The essence of my previous reply still stands; it is his illness talking and thinking for him. He believes it is best for you to be away from him, not because he wants it that way, but because despite his illness, he still loves you and cares for your well being. Let it be so until he is under medical care. Then reassess your situation.

Most importantly, however, do you believe that your husband is safe? Do you trust him to look after himself? How do you read his mental state at the moment? Do you believe he needs immediate mental health support? After you have considered these questions, I suggest that you call the BB Support Line on 1300 22 4636 and speak to the people there. They will be able to guide you through your options.

Take care

K