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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Girl Worried friend
  • replies: 3

Hi My dearest friend has been diagnosed with chronic depression and chronic pain today. He has been prescribed medication and will be speaking to professionals in a week or so after taking the medication.i just want to understand more about the medic... View more

Hi My dearest friend has been diagnosed with chronic depression and chronic pain today. He has been prescribed medication and will be speaking to professionals in a week or so after taking the medication.i just want to understand more about the medication and its side effects I have read a bit and some things terrify me. I would love o hear one other people's experiences. I feel strong enough to stick by him, I am here to listen and just be a friend I know it is a long journey ahead and I would love any advice from anyone on how to help how to listen and how to be whatever it is he needs me to be. I feel like I'm rambling sorry! Any support and advice to help me be the best I can be would be grand

Sazz How do I know how bad it is
  • replies: 4

My daughter is in a very bad place right now. It would take too long to go into detail but the basics are severe depression, anorexia due to anxiety and anger. She is living on her own which isn't a good thing and the last few weeks things seem to ha... View more

My daughter is in a very bad place right now. It would take too long to go into detail but the basics are severe depression, anorexia due to anxiety and anger. She is living on her own which isn't a good thing and the last few weeks things seem to have gotten worse. She is not rational, tends to have all these ideas but instead of completing one thing at a time, ends up with a whole hoard of things cluttering up the small villa. Then the ideas take a back seat and she crashes. I know she smokes marijuana and is taking an antidepressant but they don't seem to be working. I'm worried that I won't know when to intervene. On the one hand if I ring mental health how do I know it's necessary and if I don't and she does the unthinkable .... Its so hard to know what course of action to take .. What should I do?

tazza89 We need help!!!
  • replies: 6

My partner of 4yrs seems to be battling depression. Reasons unknown but every year around this time it hits and he pushes every one away. Two years in a row he left me because of it. This year i don't want it to go that way, he needs support but just... View more

My partner of 4yrs seems to be battling depression. Reasons unknown but every year around this time it hits and he pushes every one away. Two years in a row he left me because of it. This year i don't want it to go that way, he needs support but just cannot open up. It's hard for me as I suffer anxiety and bouts of depression myself and when his pops up, it becomes a trigger for me from my past. I need to help him but I don't know how. He's in autopilot mode, he's oblivious to everything around him. I need support to not let his ways get the better of me and send me crashing, I can't give up on him but he wants me to "I don't blame you if you leave" are his words. I need a plan of attack. I'm leaving to go on holiday in two days, I thought that could give him his time to be alone and do his own thing and find something to help him with out a nagging girlfriend at home and just some time for him to do what he wants. I've asked him if he wants me to come back home when I get back and he just says "I don't know, I don't know anything" how do I help and support him? Do I come home and be a girlfriend and just be? Keep something stable for him.What do I do? How do I handle this and him and keep myself grounded and unaffected by him?

MTKC Partner with worsening depression and alcoholism, wanting to separate
  • replies: 5

Hi everyone! This is my first time to the forum, I'm hoping to gain a greater understanding of how my partner is feeling based on other people's experiences with depression, if they are able to share? As some background - we have been together for ar... View more

Hi everyone! This is my first time to the forum, I'm hoping to gain a greater understanding of how my partner is feeling based on other people's experiences with depression, if they are able to share? As some background - we have been together for around 3 years, and he has had depression for most of his adult life, which I have always been aware of. He also has a history of substance abuse which he has been treated for in the past, including a period of complete sobriety. When we first started seeing each other he was drinking regularly, this has increased to heavily over the last couple of years (alcohol is his only addiction presently). Our relationship has always been pretty good, good communication and happy, occasional periods of him shutting down for a few days but acknowledging his behaviour and reconnecting when he was ready. He has been on medication but at the beginning of this year made a decision to stop taking this based on how he was feeling (I supported this decision). His personality since then has changed markedly, and his drinking has increased. At around the same time we bought a house, I was made redundant, and he started a new job, so there were some fairly major stress factors, those these have since smoothed out and become less stressful. Recently he has confessed that he no longer loves me and thinks a separation would be best. We have acknowledged that his lack of feelings for me are a reflection on his greater lack of feeling for being alive in general, and that he needs to address his depression and alcoholism in order to truly know how he feels, but he is unwilling at this stage to get any help - I think he fears facing the childhood trauma which is the root of all his pain (fair enough, really!). What I am wondering is - has anyone else been in this situation, and if so, have you been able to reconnect and rebuild your relationship after treatment (or without treatment)? We have always been a team against his illness, but it not seems he and his depression/drinking are now a team against me. I am attempting to salvage as much as I can (I have a therapist giving me advice), but I understand I can't help him if he is not ready to take steps to help himself. Any suggestions would be most appreciated, as I love him dearly and don't want to lose him (from my life, or from the world in general, which at the moment is a strong possibility). This illness is so devastatingly unfair, my sympathy to all of those who suffer from it x

Debedee Sad for my kids
  • replies: 5

My partner suffers from depression. Has had psychotherapy but doesn't believe he needs medication. He finds exercise helps...this is good you say. No. He goes to work, comes home, goes to gym. He barely talks to the kids especially our son, which is ... View more

My partner suffers from depression. Has had psychotherapy but doesn't believe he needs medication. He finds exercise helps...this is good you say. No. He goes to work, comes home, goes to gym. He barely talks to the kids especially our son, which is partly learned behaviour because his father treated him like this. I spent the first 10 years turning myself inside out to encourage him to be involved with the kids but have given up now and just do what I have to do. It is a relief when he has to work late or weekends because we can have fun. If we organise things when he is around he wants to participate (out of obligation maybe) but doesn't enjoy it, picks on the kids and is a downer for everyone. thanks for the vent............I don't think there is an easy answer.

KimKat Searching for a reason
  • replies: 4

Hi, So my boyfriend is experiencing anxiety and depression. He's 30, and has experience these things before when he was younger. Recently he went on a month long trip to another country, and he found it very stressful. For various reasons, he felt an... View more

Hi, So my boyfriend is experiencing anxiety and depression. He's 30, and has experience these things before when he was younger. Recently he went on a month long trip to another country, and he found it very stressful. For various reasons, he felt anxious most of the time. Before he left, he'd decided he was going to propose to me when he came home. But a month after he did come home, he finally told me he was afraid and experiencing anxiety/depression and it seemed to be tied up in the idea of proposing to me. It wasn't that he didn't want to anymore - he still does. It's just that his anxiety/depression have been making him doubt himself. After opening up to me, he saw his GP and started going to a new counselor. He's been prescribed medication for his anxiety but doesn't want to take it. His counselor has given him some actions to take, but has basically says she is baffled because there doesn't seem to be a direct cause of his problems - his life is basically great. We've been trying everything - eating well, exercise, vitamins, not drinking, talking about his problems, trying to identify the negative thoughts when he has them... Some days he will have a few hours of badness, followed by a few hours of good. Other days, he'll be flat all day. Just then he called me in a good mood, and it was just like he used to be... and I couldn't help but burst into tears because I fear he'll be sad again when I get home. I feel a little powerless because I'm being positive and supportive and we're trying everything but after 2 months, I feel only a little progress has been made. And occasionally, I feel selfish, and I think "Just get better and propose to me already! Or do it anyway!" because I've wanted this for so long. That's partly out of fear that perhaps even though he loves me and wants to be with me, marrying me is the cause of all this suffering. I don't think that's the case - but that doesn't stop me being afraid of it. Is there anything else we should be doing?

Mummy_trying How to care for myself while caring for depressed husband
  • replies: 2

My husband was diagnosed with depression over 10 years ago. But then a few weeks before the birth of our son (now one year old) we found out he actually has bipolar II. He was good about seeking help and started taking the medication. However it seem... View more

My husband was diagnosed with depression over 10 years ago. But then a few weeks before the birth of our son (now one year old) we found out he actually has bipolar II. He was good about seeking help and started taking the medication. However it seems to be a long road trying different combinations of meds to find one that works. 4 weeks ago he was the best he has ever been but side effects from the medicine meant he slept heaving, causing him to snore and we couldn't sleep in the same room together and a ferocious appetite and weight gain. He decided to stop taking that medicine and just crashed. I don't think he has been this low ever. He works FIFO and I'm a full time mum (working 2 days.) I find the weeks he is away I live a normal healthy, happy life but when he returns I get no help around the house or with our son. Our poor son just wants to play with his daddy, but daddy just sleeps all day. I have looked up tips of how to care for yourself when caring for a depressed partner but nothing is realistic. 1- what they say is the condition not the person. Don't take it personally.. So when he tells me I'm useless, lazy, threatens divorce it's meant to be water off a ducks back?? 2- take time for yourself. How am I meant to have time for myself with a 1 year old who needs constant care. I love my husband dearly but feel I'm hitting rock bottom myself? Help!

wishiknewhowtohelp Don't know how to help
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone. I have just joined this forum in hope that I will gain some sort of understanding of how depression and anxiety works. My partner of 1 year and a half, has been dealing with depression and anxiety for the past 7 years of his life. He has... View more

Hi everyone. I have just joined this forum in hope that I will gain some sort of understanding of how depression and anxiety works. My partner of 1 year and a half, has been dealing with depression and anxiety for the past 7 years of his life. He hasn't wanted to receive any form of treatment during this time. In the past few months I have seen his mental health spiral downwards, and turning more and more to alcohol to escape all of this. He struggles to talk to me about his feelings, therefore leaves me confused, hurt and feeling helpless. He made it very clear this weekend past he did not want me around so I drove home, fearing that he would do something serious to hurt himself. I later received a call from his mother that he was at her house very distraught and drunk. For the past two nights he has been residing at his parents house and says he is not ready to talk because he is a very fragile state. I am giving him as much space as he needs, and I love him dearly. I just don't know what to do. I feel so helpless and am worried that I will say the wrong thing and make things worse.

The_Boyfriend Girlfriend support
  • replies: 1

I've been with my girlfriend for 11 months now and within this time she has lost 2 close friends, 1 to suicide and she has also miscarried. Additionally, she's graduated uni, we've moved in together and she has started her first full time job. Shes b... View more

I've been with my girlfriend for 11 months now and within this time she has lost 2 close friends, 1 to suicide and she has also miscarried. Additionally, she's graduated uni, we've moved in together and she has started her first full time job. Shes been struggling through depression and anxiety on and off, including self harming (she also used to a lot) and this is obviously taking a massive toll on our relationship. She is going to bereavement counselling, is on antidepressants and currently signed off work. As much as I understand that is a hell of a lot to go through in one year, I'm really struggling with my patience to support us financially, and to support the idea of using drugs to mask an issue and take time off work sitting around the house. I've tried to help her by agreeing to get a kitten to help with her broodiness that upsets her so much and even that is really starting to annoy me (and I'm very much a cat person but it has upset my cat!). All in all, I'm struggling to see how taking antidepressants, being off work, getting a kitten and not just getting on with life is helping and I'm completely fed up, almost to the point where I want to leave. Our sex life is a chore and has been for some time and this is a cause of it, and I don't look forward to coming home and at the moment, I work my ass off to come home to our house in a state because she can't be bothered to leave the room, and we can never to anything because we can't afford it. In my opinion, she needs to suck it up and get on with life. I've been depressed, I've self harmed, and I've tried to kill myself. All when I was young and naive, not 22. I'm seeing this whole thing as childish and defeatist and I have lost any understanding. I love her dearly and I want everything to be perfect again but I'm at the end of my patience. Any jdeas?

anythingforher Please help me understand what my girlfriend is feeling
  • replies: 2

Hi my girlfriend and I have been together a couple of months now as a couple and had been friends for over a year before that. She suffers from anxiety and depression and has serious issues with self-image and an eating disorder. Why I'm here is beca... View more

Hi my girlfriend and I have been together a couple of months now as a couple and had been friends for over a year before that. She suffers from anxiety and depression and has serious issues with self-image and an eating disorder. Why I'm here is because I need to learn more about the way she feels and how I can support her as her illness is hurting our relationship and preventing it from progressing. We get along really well when together but being around me makes her severely anxious and she can't stay with me for more than a few hours without having to leave. I don't know if it's something I'm doing that is causing her anxiety or whether it's something I can't control. She tells me that she feels guilty because she can't give me as much of herself as I deserve and it increases her anxiety. I'm not sure what causes her anxiety as she's not very good at expressing her feelings in a way I can understand. I need somebody who has or has had similar first-hand issues relating to anxiety who can help explain to me what she feels and how I can help. I want to spend as much time with her as possible which is part of the problem. She tells me I am too pushy which makes her anxious but I’ve never been told this before from previous girlfriends. I need to understand how to be less pushy and make our time together as stress-free as possible. In saying that we don’t argue or anything like that, the stress is built up from her anxiety and insecurities. She tells me she feels as though she’s not good enough for me and that I will get bored of her. I love her with all my heart and tell her everyday except she doesn’t seem to believe me or thinks I’m trying to make her feel better. She describes herself as disgusting although I think she’s the most beautiful girl in the world (and she is very attractive). She tells me she feels fat and ugly even though she is slim and has a great body. She used to be overweight when she was younger which I think is the source of the problem. Basically I need to understand the triggers make her feel anxious. Please help if this sounds like something you’ve experienced in a relationship as I feel I’m pushing her away even though all I’m trying to do is help. I was hoping for some insight as all I seem to do is make things worse which is the polar opposite of my intention. I don’t want to lose her which I fear I will if things don’t change soon. Please help as I’m completely out of my depth!