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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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J-Rose New and Completely lost right now...
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, So my husband is currently studying to become an Air Traffic Controller. The job itself is insanely stressful, and the training is worse. My husband has always had a bit of a short temper, but now it is affecting his ability to train pro... View more

Hi everyone, So my husband is currently studying to become an Air Traffic Controller. The job itself is insanely stressful, and the training is worse. My husband has always had a bit of a short temper, but now it is affecting his ability to train properly, and he has snapped at his instructors earning him a demerit. This job is our future, we wont be able to afford our own house or have kids, as my wage isn't nearly enough. That pressure is getting too him, he has worked at this for nearly a year and tried so hard and he is still not getting any better with his temper. This knowledge as well as the fact he has put on quite a bit of weight recently is causing him depression. He is just angry all day, and when he isn't angry he is sad and withdrawn. He went through something similar a few months back, and he then blamed me for not helping him through it enough, and he felt that he had to pull himself out of it without my help. That was just a massive slap to the face, he never wanted to talk about anything or do anything, I did try but apparently it wasn't enough. I am just at a loss. Every time I suggest going to see someone professionally he shoots it down because he thinks all psychologists are 'more messed up than him' and we wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. I don't know how to help him, and I don't want him to feel abandoned like last time, but every time I try to suggest doing anything he enjoys I get shot down. Every time I come home it's just sullen silence and I feel the weight of the blame on my shoulders for not helping him enough, even though I honest to god don't know how. I just feel really lonely and tired of feeling guilty all the time, then I feel guilty about feeling awful because he is the one going through hell. I honestly don't know where to turn, and I guess I'm just after some suggestion as to what I can do to help him. Thanks,

Sandford My wife isn't coping with our 3 year old
  • replies: 3

So my situation is this. We have a 3 year old boy who is starting to do what 3 year olds do. Won't listen, very independent etc.My wife has been diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder, she is a stay at home mum,. Has taken medication in the past b... View more

So my situation is this. We have a 3 year old boy who is starting to do what 3 year olds do. Won't listen, very independent etc.My wife has been diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder, she is a stay at home mum,. Has taken medication in the past but didn't like it as it made her very sleepy. Has been to counselling but really didn't seem to find any benefit as she was told things about her condition that she already knew within herself and didn't learn any coping methods that worked. They almost frustrated her more.She rings me at work in tears saying 'I can't cope with him' she is really struggling to discipline him and so he is winning every battle. This morning she called me eating toast in the bathroom as this is her only way of coping with one of their battles. She will often hide away to calm down so he doesn't see her upset. He is growing in confidence with regard to doing as he pleases . We try the naughty mat procedure but she can't follow it through because of the fight that he puts up. She is a perfectionist with a reasonable amount of OCD, so any 'mess' frustrates her which leads her to ask him to clean up, he says no, a fight starts and the process begins again. The OCD is significant, she can come home from a day out and as soon as she walks in the door, will walk straight to the ONLY object that is out of place and fix it to how it SHOULD be. I can deal with this and have done for 12 years. This isn't so much a problem but a description of her personality.My issues are that I'm worried that our son isn't being disciplined. He has issues with hitting/sharing etc ( I know all kids do) but I don't think that she can discipline him to stop doing it. When I'm home I try to do things I know he needs, but when he fights back I get things like 'see, he just won't do it". I know she wants to be a good parent but I scared that she just doesn't have the strength to take the hard road. Most battles between them end with her in tears, I come home to a house full of stress.Just now while typing this I've had another call to speak to him about his behaviour, she just can't force herself to discipline him and he knows it. If he has a tantrum in public she rings me in tears, saying how naughty he is, but then does nothing about it.I am besides myself because she is just so unhappy/stressed and I have no answers on how to help. I can't make their time together better. I can't make her stronger, I can't help her to cope. What can I do?

CatCat Boyfriend with depression anxiety & addictions
  • replies: 4

This is my first post about my boyfriend. I've been to this site so many times and read threads to see how others are supporting their loved ones, but i need to get my own thoughts out there as i dont have anyone i can talk to. I'm struggling with my... View more

This is my first post about my boyfriend. I've been to this site so many times and read threads to see how others are supporting their loved ones, but i need to get my own thoughts out there as i dont have anyone i can talk to. I'm struggling with my BF. We've just finished a three hour discussion that just went around in circles and i really dont know if i can take much more. Its always the same thing - no one is there, loneliness, everyone's judging him, feels left out when he doesnt come to social events, feels pressure when asked to come out. He won't acknowledge or accept my bad life experiences as valid because his are so much worse. He wont listen to ideas on steps to take to get better, and always sees the worst case scenarios and there is always multiple excuses for not trying to seek help. The worst part is when i feel like we have gotten somewhere or he has moments where i can see he sees me as someone on his side.... then i see his brain ticking over and all of a sudden he turns on me again, and he starts repeating the negitive thoughts again. He works 6 days a week in a high pressure job, but when at home he rarely helps out. If i am cleaning he gets upset and says i make him feel guilty thats hes not helping. Sometimes i do get frustrated and its obvious, so i'm not helping things there. He has been to a GP who referred him to see a psychologist (hes actually tried 3 different ones) but feels they dont get him, cant help and even said one of them told him he was 'too hard to deal with'. He doesnt want to find the right person for his situation and feels they all judge him when he tells them he is addicted to pot. Hes on anxiety meds, but alcohol doesnt let the pills work properly. Hes been diagnosed with severe depression. He was verbally emotionally and physically abused as a child. I know its going to be a long path to recovery, but if he doesnt want to take any steps in the right direction then nothing will change or get worse. I dont know if i can take much more but i dont think i could live happily after abandoning him. I love him, and there is an amazing loving guy inside( who has rescued stray cats from abandoned warehouses). i think he could finally lead the safe love filled life he never had as a child or young adult if i can help him in the right direction. Thanks in advance for any advice.

Leetherese after 7 years sober my sister starts
  • replies: 5

where to start !! i guess i'm om here because it's easier to write thinking no one is there but still hoping you are listening. I'm 7 yrs sober and very proud of it I have challenged depression self harm and suicide last year with my then 13 yr old d... View more

where to start !! i guess i'm om here because it's easier to write thinking no one is there but still hoping you are listening. I'm 7 yrs sober and very proud of it I have challenged depression self harm and suicide last year with my then 13 yr old daughter, She couldn't attend school or go out socialising with friends or even have 1 friend sleep over. She was always watching out for me when i was drunk and making sure i was okay. Now she cant go out or socialise but we are getting through it she is back at school this year and thriving. Until my sister starts to show all signs of be an alcoholic. Her partner left when her second child was born 2 weeks after actually. That child is now just over two yrs old and she is a full blown drinker and we have just been told she is taking drugs aswell. i tried to talk to her as it is affecting my daughters progress with self harm and anxiety attacks. But she didnt care and now we arent talking I NEED some advice i want to help her but she keeps on and does not care please any advice is welcome

norascat New to this - learning how get him through
  • replies: 5

Hello New to this forum. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months. We are very close and he was open from the beginning about his depression and anxiety battles in the past, but when I met him he was getting over the worst of it (after 2 prett... View more

Hello New to this forum. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months. We are very close and he was open from the beginning about his depression and anxiety battles in the past, but when I met him he was getting over the worst of it (after 2 pretty dark years from what I understand). In the past few weeks he's become increasingly depressed and anxious. Not leaving the house hardly. Although on days when I'm with him, he has been almost fine - but that has deteriorated by now too. There are days he's better, but he's been mainly down. His energy levels are super low, and his sex drive is gone. I want to help, and not be patronising. He's on medication, and I think he's had therapy in the past, but not in the past 12 months. Perhaps he needs to up the meds again, as his dose was lowered a few months ago. I want to try and get him to exercise - as I know that could be a massive help. But again, I'm careful of not bing pushy or patronising - as he is fully aware that it would help. I'm trying to learn as much as possible to support him through this. So any advice from others that have been with someone with depression or anxiety for a longer time than me, would be great. I love him, and want to support him to get through this. At the same time, I know that i's never going to really go away. thanks N

Loulabell Trying to support boyfriend
  • replies: 2

Hey Everyone, So I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 18 months now. Since I’ve been with him he is generally a happy, loving and great guy to be with. I have never felt more special since I’ve been with him. However, since I’ve known him, I know th... View more

Hey Everyone, So I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 18 months now. Since I’ve been with him he is generally a happy, loving and great guy to be with. I have never felt more special since I’ve been with him. However, since I’ve known him, I know that he also has a lot of issues he’s dealing with (His upbringing, family, work, sense of identity etc). I think he’s been diagnosed with anxiety years ago and maybe depression (he has spoken to psychologists etc years ago). Since we’ve been together he has had two panic attacks and a few near panic attacks where I’ve managed to calm him down. Since his last panic attack, he agreed to see a psychologist which is great. However, the past few weeks have been incredibly hard, a death of a new friend, and a few new general life stressors. Also, this year he has taken on a family member living at his house that battles their own issues and this is just adding to everything else. My concerns now are that although he loves me being around all the time, and as his psychologist says “I’m his medicine” but I feel like I’m only that and any of my feelings or needs are not important. I do understand people living with depression don’t always mean to make their carers feel this way and they do appreciate our support, but lately I’ve found it so hard. It’s like he’s gotten what he needed out of me for the days and that’s it. I don’t even live with him yet and I find myself doing the majority of the housework because he just leaves everything everywhere and I can’t stand it. I know people with depression find this job difficult and that’s why I have been doing it. I know I sound selfish but I just feel like my feelings don’t matter. My friends can see this too and have confronted me about this but they don’t understand as much as I do the deepness of why he acts this way and I know it’s not on purpose. I just feel like I can’t even go to these friends now because they are just judging him on his actions and don’t understand the full story. What do I do? Do I just keep supporting him and wait a while seeing as he is going to a psychologist now? I’ve already told him that I don’t think he’s understanding how I feel in all this and he said we will get through it and that he is sorry, but nothing’s changed yet. The majority of our relationship is great and this only happens once in a while, but at the moment his depression has taken over. Thanks everyone. X

Valley Friend with depression
  • replies: 4

I don’t know if it’s right for me to discuss my friend’s problem here, but I am thinking it won’t do any harm if I can get some advice on how to help her. She is suffering from depression, and it has been an on and off thing since her husband, whom I... View more

I don’t know if it’s right for me to discuss my friend’s problem here, but I am thinking it won’t do any harm if I can get some advice on how to help her. She is suffering from depression, and it has been an on and off thing since her husband, whom I think is a dipstick anyway, left her. Right now, she is at her lowest, and she wouldn’t even want to see me or any of our other friends. The last time I went to visit her, which was several days ago, she met me at the door and did not let me in. Our friends tell me to give her space, but I can see desperation in her eyes, and I can’t just let it go. Can someone tell me what I should do?

Renz2014 Undiagnosed partner who refuses to seek help
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, I'm new to beyond blue but it's lovely to see so much support in this community. I have a partner who I believe has depression. He goes through periods of extreme apathy, when he's not even motivated enough to get out of bed for days at ... View more

Hi everyone, I'm new to beyond blue but it's lovely to see so much support in this community. I have a partner who I believe has depression. He goes through periods of extreme apathy, when he's not even motivated enough to get out of bed for days at a time, let alone eat or go to work. Even on his best days he struggles to plan for the future, even just a few days ahead. I've been trying for many years to get him to seek professional help. He acknowledges that he probably does have depression but says he doesn't feel he needs or wants professional help. He says that being depressed and apathetic is valid lifestyle, that this is who he is and I shouldn't seek to change him. I think part of the reason he says that is that he wants an excuse not to have to seek help because he's not motivated enough to do so as a result of his depression. So it's this horrible cycle that feeds itself and prevents him from ever being motivated enough to seek help. He has a strong support network of friends and family, and some of our friends have experienced depression and are receiving treatment. We all talk about it openly so i don't think he would feel any shame in seeking treatment, I think it's just that he doesn't care enough. I've seen how helpful treatment can be by talking to these friends and I really want that for him. I have no idea how to motivate him to seek help. I've tried everything I can think of. He's getting worse in that his lowest points are getting lower, and he's recently lost his job because he couldn't motivate himself to get out of bed. I just want to help him. Can anyone suggest something for us?

Charliebear Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!
  • replies: 55

I found out late last year that my husband is suffering from depression. He had worked himself into the ground and after convincing him to go to a counsellor his issues were brought right back to his parents splitting up when he was two. Another big ... View more

I found out late last year that my husband is suffering from depression. He had worked himself into the ground and after convincing him to go to a counsellor his issues were brought right back to his parents splitting up when he was two. Another big issue which devastated me was he didn't know if he wanted to be in this marriage and thought that my son and I would be better off without him. He also went onto medication. After a lot of hard work we thought we were back on track and after struggling to fall pregnant for our second child we were successful with ivf. And yes struggling to fall pregnant again put pressure on him too. We were happy well I thought we were anyway. He has suffered another set back and didn't want to tell me cause he said he was protecting me and the health of our baby. But he lied to me about his whereabouts etc and I have been supportive and here with open heart so he can be honest with me. I feel so unloved and unwanted. There is no affection. We tell each other we love each other every day and he hasn't said it for a week now. His back to the counsellor and I am going to go separately too and request joint sessions. But I feel selfish cause I can't keep having to deal with him wondering if he loves me or not. I know it's the depression and I should be the supportive wife. Through sickness and health as they say. But my heart is breaking and I feel like my world is blowing up in my face. I'm struggling to be strong. I can't stop crying. Are there any support groups for carers? I'm so lost.

norascat Small gift ideas to send in the mail
  • replies: 2

Hi I'm looking for ideas of small things to send in the post from time to time as usually I can only make it to see my boyfriend at the weekend due to working away a bit and living half an hour drive away. I try and send small items such as little ca... View more

Hi I'm looking for ideas of small things to send in the post from time to time as usually I can only make it to see my boyfriend at the weekend due to working away a bit and living half an hour drive away. I try and send small items such as little cards with messages, chocolate etc from time to time. Anyone have any good ideas of gifts or other gestures? I know that it's not going to make a big difference, but it's something to try! x