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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Jack1978 Finding it difficult to cope with BPD spouse
  • replies: 6

I have been married 2 years now. Just till recently I regarded my wife's unwanted anger as some personality trait of her. Then I found out it might be Borderline Personality issue. One moment she is happy complimenting me and in next very minutes she... View more

I have been married 2 years now. Just till recently I regarded my wife's unwanted anger as some personality trait of her. Then I found out it might be Borderline Personality issue. One moment she is happy complimenting me and in next very minutes she is in extreme fury- a total 90 degree turn. Its so difficult to communicate. Most of the time I am so afraid that she will start off again. She starts off at very minor thing. Like I may be busy watching TV and I don't hear what she said. Or I forgot to fetch something on our way back from market. Just small petty things. I do whatever I can..what ever a man can do. I take care of her every single need. But thats not enough for her. When she is mad; she totally forgets all what I do for her. How can a person get angry at very small things? If I am silent when she is angry; she gets more angry. When I try to argue ; it adds fuel. What do I do? I am so very very very tired. During the last two years the best days were when she was away at her parents. And when I don;t text her back in a minute; she is totally totally mad. I have tried so many times trying to tell her that when I am office its difficult to get right back with a text/call. She always suspects I may be having extra marital affairs..And since I am not getting any companion ship; I am yearning to look out for other possible relationships..Its difficult for me to go out and meet my friends..difficult for me to spend some time with my parents.. I really do not know what to do?

lostwife just dont know how to respond
  • replies: 4

My husband has suffered with anxiety and depression for some time now and I do try very hard to look for the signs of mood changes. He has on occassion spoken about suicide and that life may be easier for all if he were not hear. Of course I know thi... View more

My husband has suffered with anxiety and depression for some time now and I do try very hard to look for the signs of mood changes. He has on occassion spoken about suicide and that life may be easier for all if he were not hear. Of course I know this is not true but I have no idea what to say to help him through those thoughts. Any advise would be helpfull as I'm at a lose and so what to help him.

Nickname_204C26A8-F9A3-4D Remind them they're loved.
  • replies: 1

I know it can be hard seeing someone you love/know go through this sort of stuff but hopefully this may help. My 16 hear old brother recently got quite a lot of anxiety to the point where he’s now dropped out of grade 10 and doesn’t know whether he w... View more

I know it can be hard seeing someone you love/know go through this sort of stuff but hopefully this may help. My 16 hear old brother recently got quite a lot of anxiety to the point where he’s now dropped out of grade 10 and doesn’t know whether he will go to college, but honestly, I’ll support him no matter what. The biggest thing to know is to not smother to person. Don’t ask them if they’re okay a lot because this will remind them they’re not okay. Don’t try and be with them all the time, everyone needs their space. Just slowly try and gain their trust to talk, if they don’t feel like they can, show them. Write them a good old school letter reminding them they’re loved, take them to a happy place for a talk, even bringing them a little special gift will make their day so much better. If you feel like they need to be watched constantly, tell me first. Because I know I wouldn’t be comfortable feeling like I’m being watched all the time. No matter where you are, remind them they’re loved and people do care about them a lot.

Jaiabro I seem to just make things worse.
  • replies: 1

My girlfriend of 6 months suffers from depression and anxiety. It is mostly caused by past relationships; cheating, sexual disinterest, emotional torment, and sexual abuse from males her own age. This has left her with a very poor self image and an e... View more

My girlfriend of 6 months suffers from depression and anxiety. It is mostly caused by past relationships; cheating, sexual disinterest, emotional torment, and sexual abuse from males her own age. This has left her with a very poor self image and an emotional state that is very dependant on her partner's. My problem is that I keep getting things wrong, our counselor says that my mistakes are common and most guys make them, but because of my girls past, they are so much more significant. My first major mistake was the use of porn and lying about it. This being my first relationship in 25 years of life, I had developed what might be considered an unhealthy dependency on porn for physical release. Once we started dating I didn't stop using it, not because I was disinterested, but because she lived in another state and I couldn't wait two weeks for sex, I know I was selfish. What made it worse was that instead of telling her what I was doing, I lied about it so she wouldn't think less of me. Once she found out she was heart broken, in her mind I had done as every other guy had done, chosen another woman over her. Now, in her mind, she know for a fact that I wanted to be with other women, plus she couldn't trust me. We almost broke up over it. I didn't take her feelings into account, and the stupid thing is I am still doing it; occasionally I have not told her about things because I was worried how she would react, or I'd say things to try and calm her down instead of being honest, or I'd be confronted with her anxiety about me looking at other women and I myself would shut down because I didn't know what to do to help her, this made her feel abandoned. I just don't know what I'm doing here, I love her and want her to be hapoy with me, but everything just goes wrong everytimw I open my mourh.

Lost_boyfriend Girlfriend with depression, help.
  • replies: 1

Hi guys, Before anything, sorry for any spelling mistake. My stituation is as it follows: i'm dating for almost three months now, my grilfriend has been fight with depression for 10 years, she is on treatment, drugs, and just started therapy, she was... View more

Hi guys, Before anything, sorry for any spelling mistake. My stituation is as it follows: i'm dating for almost three months now, my grilfriend has been fight with depression for 10 years, she is on treatment, drugs, and just started therapy, she was diagnosed with a little of the three types. She has also just left a VERY bad realationship (8 months +-) that hurt her a lot. Thursday, her Premenstrual syndrome started, and she also entered in a 'crisis'. She closed her self off, wished to be alone, no contact, physical, or otherwise. With time she got better, started to reply to my text with more frequency, and all that. We spend sometime togheter on sunday, untill it started to be too much to her, then she left (we spent 8hrs, give or take, togheter). Monday went ok. Tuesday she started to push me away. Wednesday i asked (bugged, really) her, and she told me that she was angry about something, wished to be calm, before talking about it, and that she wasn't sure if she wished to keep dating, even though we love each other, because i sometimes remember her ex, we are different and all that. The thing is, the week before was perfect, we are getting closer and closer as time goes by, but now she is like this. I think what i whish to know is: - Could her Premenstrual syndrome have started this 'crisis'? - Is it normal for people with depression have doubts about keep going with relationships? I know it is like that, she is 'ok' for now, and then she is not. I was very hurt with she acting like this, but i know i can't heal/fix her, i can only support and be there for her. What can I do to help her? Give her some space to deal with it, keep acting like normal, sending text (she reply, sometimes), while she deals with it? Or what? Please, give me some advice.

RubyA I am at a loss.
  • replies: 1

Hello,My partner has severe depression and anxiety. Mental health issues run in his family, his sister is treated for depression and his father was treated for bipolar. My partner is currently on medication however, he refuses to seek any other help ... View more

Hello,My partner has severe depression and anxiety. Mental health issues run in his family, his sister is treated for depression and his father was treated for bipolar. My partner is currently on medication however, he refuses to seek any other help as he says that it does not help as he has tried everything before. He has his good days and he has his bad days but, his bad days are becoming worse than imaginable. I am driving around late at night attempting to find him as he has taken off in his car stating he is going to kill himself, he talks about suicide almost everyday. He has turned to weed as it is apparently a quick fix to his anxiety, and now smokes cigarettes. I am positive towards him; I suggest speaking to a psychologist, yoga, a hobby, I enquired with a naturopath, I have printed off sheets of particular foods he can eat to help, I have looked at vitamins, seeing his doctor to change his medication, writing in a journal and so the list goes on.I consider myself a strong minded person but I feel like I am at my wits end and my own mental state is deteriorating.I do not know what else to do to help. I love my partner, and I cannot imagine my life without him, but the stress is eating away at me. In the past year I was diagnosed with my own cancerous tumor and now dealing with fertility issues as a result, I am trying my hardest to put my worries aside to be as supportive towards him as I can but I am unsure how much longer I can do it for. I do not want to leave my partner, what else can I do for him to get him and our relationship back to a happy place.

micksmyman My wife has anxiety but won't seek help.
  • replies: 1

My wife's anxiety is getting worst and has being going on for years, she excepts that she has anxiety and believes she has it under control, she is studying naturopathy and is treating her self, I'm worried that things are going to get worst before i... View more

My wife's anxiety is getting worst and has being going on for years, she excepts that she has anxiety and believes she has it under control, she is studying naturopathy and is treating her self, I'm worried that things are going to get worst before it gets better (if ever). I need advice on how to help her.

asd02boys helping out a sibling
  • replies: 1

Hi, I am a concerned sister, my brother has been dealing with Paranoid Schizophrenia most of his life, and of lately he has been very very very depressed he is not on his medication at the moment, for he says that he doesnt like being on them cause t... View more

Hi, I am a concerned sister, my brother has been dealing with Paranoid Schizophrenia most of his life, and of lately he has been very very very depressed he is not on his medication at the moment, for he says that he doesnt like being on them cause they make him feel weird..he has lost all of his interests at the moment (eg: gym, church) etc etc ..Can anyone please give me some advice on how i can speak to him and get him some help and back on track..

lilelle28 Feeling lost
  • replies: 2

So, my fiancé and I have been together for a few years. He moved to another area of the country for a year before I moved here with him. When I got here, there was a huge change in him. It went from a completely loving a nurturing relationship where ... View more

So, my fiancé and I have been together for a few years. He moved to another area of the country for a year before I moved here with him. When I got here, there was a huge change in him. It went from a completely loving a nurturing relationship where he was a complete and utter gentlemen, to nothing. He was the most loving and caring person I had ever met and I feel head over heels in love with him. But, he changed. He went from warm and inviting to cold and distant. At first, I thought maybe he no longer wanted to be with me. We had been apart for a year. Though we talked everyday and we visited each other, maybe something was no longer there for him. Come to find out, after some heated arguments, he was depressed and ready to commit suicide. During these arguments he became another person. He would say things to deliberately hurt me. Given the depression, I tried to move passed that. . Last night he came home from work and sat on the couch (he is a mobile developer) playing with different apps. I sat and did the kids homework with them. When they went to bed, he sat on our bed coding on his computer. Completely disengaged and disinterested in what was happening in the house hold. It is like this most nights. When I try to talk to him about it, he pushes back on me and tries to argue that there is nothing wrong and that I have a problem. We got into an argument and he was telling me some pretty bad things about myself. I don't know if this is normal behavior for someone with clinical depression. I have never dealt with this and the things he says gives me the impression that I am no longer wanted. He proposed to me just after he was diagnosed with clinical depression. He thanked me for having been there for him during eh proposal. Now, I just feel like he was thanking me for being his verbal punching bag. I feel like I walk on eggshells to try and make him happy. I understand that he can't see it, but he sits and call me ungrateful when all I am doing is trying to help. All I want is my relationship back with him, but I am sick of being told I am a problem when I don't even understand what I've done. The way he is day-to-day and the things he says when he is angry make me feel like there is nothing left for us. But he alway says he doesn't mean it.

Key My husband tried to kill himself
  • replies: 4

Hi, I've been married for 6years now and the problem got worse and worse. My husband's father committed suicide. Ever since that, every time we argue, my husband ended up easily distressed ( shouting and screaming, getting out of house on barefoot an... View more

Hi, I've been married for 6years now and the problem got worse and worse. My husband's father committed suicide. Ever since that, every time we argue, my husband ended up easily distressed ( shouting and screaming, getting out of house on barefoot and walked around late at night and I have to follow him to get him to home safely, throwing up badly on the floor, block his ears with his hands and repeating same thing over and over, and etc.) and I ended up saying everything is my fault and I am the bad person and I am sorry. But tonight was the worst. We were having arguments since this morning and he completely shut me out like I am an invisible person. I wasn't trying my best to talk him out because I was tired. At night I tried to talk to him but he locked himself in the bedroom again, so I opened it with the key and got in there. He wasn't listening to me and was covering his face with a pillow. I got stressed out and my voice got a bit louder and the way I speak got not so kind. I took about 10 minutes away from him, and got closer to him and talked to him. Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is, I am getting very tired of dealing with these situations, but at the same time, it's getting not that extremely shocking to me when it is. Of course I was all shaky and things with what happens tonight? Am I mentally wrong as well? I believe the life is given with reasons and ourselves can not take it away. I don't want to kill myself nor die when it's not meant to be. I really don' t know what to do. I can't talk this to my family or my friends. I think I'm going nuts as well.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.