I am at a loss.

[RubyA]

Hello,

My partner has severe depression and anxiety. Mental health issues run in his family, his sister is treated for depression and his father was treated for bipolar.

My partner is currently on medication however, he refuses to seek any other help as he says that it does not help as he has tried everything before. He has his good days and he has his bad days but, his bad days are becoming worse than imaginable. I am driving around late at night attempting to find him as he has taken off in his car stating he is going to kill himself, he talks about suicide almost everyday. He has turned to weed as it is apparently a quick fix to his anxiety, and now smokes cigarettes.

I am positive towards him; I suggest speaking to a psychologist, yoga, a hobby, I enquired with a naturopath, I have printed off sheets of particular foods he can eat to help, I have looked at vitamins, seeing his doctor to change his medication, writing in a journal and so the list goes on.

I consider myself a strong minded person but I feel like I am at my wits end and my own mental state is deteriorating.

I do not know what else to do to help. I love my partner, and I cannot imagine my life without him, but the stress is eating away at me. In the past year I was diagnosed with my own cancerous tumor and now dealing with fertility issues as a result, I am trying my hardest to put my worries aside to be as supportive towards him as I can but I am unsure how much longer I can do it for. I do not want to leave my partner, what else can I do for him to get him and our relationship back to a happy place.

[white knight]

Hi Ruby.  A warm welcome here to beyond Blue.

My heart goes out to you.

You say he has some good days. Can you talk to him on those good days about plans and assessment of his health then? I'm guessing you can. You could say "ok, you dont want to seek further treament so if you dont want to go down that path again (as you have tried everything before) then how about we set some guidelines for when you are on a downer".

My idea is that you set boundaries. I've often told others here that my wife and I (we both struggle with mental issues) have a few basic rules that we apply. The most used one is this. 

a/ When we argue and one storms off neither of us will leave the property. (this assures also that neither will drive a car at this time- very important and also limits the "gone missing" senario). So no one leaves the property.

b/ That each value the space for the other. Nothing worse for some people that they want to clear their mind only to have their partner follow them around especially if the "pact" of not leaving the property is made. Then they can feel trapped.

c/ That as soon as either person has calmed down and feels like passing an olive branch (this varies but for my wife and I its only 20 minutes, others could be longer) then a calm approach is made to the partner if they would like a drink. That takes courage and therefore the other person has to acknowledge that courage with either a nice acceptance or a delay (now now darling maybe in half an hour)

d/ At the picnic or dining table either person can say "sorry for upsetting you". This is not an apology for being wrong. It is a comment of sorrow for having an upset.

We often call this process "nipping it in the bud" because it is over in such short time compared to years ago when we'd be fuming for hours, going missing, driving when we are in no state to do so.

It is two adults acting maturely. If you can get your partner to agree to this process or a version of it, you might have some degree of reassurance.

Take care. Tony