Finding it difficult to cope with BPD spouse

[Jack1978]

I have been married 2 years now. Just till recently I regarded my wife's unwanted anger as some personality trait of her. Then I found out it might be Borderline Personality issue. One moment she is happy complimenting me and in next very minutes she is in extreme fury- a total 90 degree turn. Its so difficult to communicate. Most of the time I am so afraid that she will start off again. She starts off at very minor thing. Like I may be busy watching TV and I don't hear what she said. Or I forgot to fetch something on our way back from market. Just small petty things. I do whatever I can..what ever a man can do. I take care of her every single need. But thats not enough for her. When she is mad; she totally forgets all what I do for her. How can a person get angry at very small things? If I am silent when she is angry; she gets more angry. When I try to argue ; it adds fuel. What do I do? I am so very very very tired. During the last two years the best days were when she was away at her parents. And when I don;t text her back in a minute; she is totally totally mad. I have tried so many times trying to tell her that when I am office its difficult to get right back with a text/call. She always suspects I may be having extra marital affairs..And since I am not getting any companion ship; I am yearning to look out for other possible relationships..Its difficult for me to go out and meet my friends..difficult for me to spend some time with my parents..  I really do not know what to do? 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Jack

Welcome to Beyond Blue and I say well done to you on coming here and providing your post.

It sounds like a really difficult situation that you’re facing.  REALLY difficult.   From what I’ve read though, you’ve been married for 2 years;  and yet you also say that during those 2 years, the best days you’ve experienced were when she was actually “away” from you.   Oh man, that’s not good.   But it also leads me to the thought/question:  that she would highly likely have been like this when you first met and began dating and coupled up, etc??

From what else I’m reading, it seems you’ve done some investigation into what may well be happening with your wife and her moods – but am I correct in assuming that she hasn’t actually been to a GP  to get a proper diagnosis?    From how you’ve described the situation, I’d also be assuming that if you were to suggest such a thing, then that could be fraught with a possible major and nasty mood swing as well?   OR do you feel she might be accepting of this and that a visit to a GP might be something that she needs.  I really feel that she needs to be professionally diagnosed and treated accordingly.

Jack, do you actually feel “safe” in the relationship?

Again, I’d like to thank you for coming here – that was a brave, but very positive step you’ve taken.  I also hope that you’ll receive other responses so that you’ll be able to have other viewpoints and hopeful suggestions for you.

Above all else, would really like to hear back from you.

Neil

[AGrace]

Hi Jack,

Neil has already given you a very warm welcome, and I'd like to second this. I think it's very courageous that rather than giving up on you, your wife, and also your relationship, you've chosen to try to get some support for you and her by coming here.

I wanted to start by saying I have BPD, all 9/9 traits, and have been with my current partner for 5 years. So I can understand and empathise with what you might be going through. As Neil has mentioned, it would be unfair to your wife to jump into the idea that she may have BPD as it takes a trained Psychiatrist to be able to diagnose this. Having said that, most people will have at least 1 BPD trait throughout their life.

Have you done much research into BPD? If not, there's a couple of sites that I can suggest you check out. The first is The Shack. A site run by a gentleman who's girlfriend had BPD. On this site you will find information for people with BPD and for people caring for a loved one with BPD. The second site is borderline support. This is a site created by a woman who has recovered from living with BPD for 8 years. Both sites have a lot of valuable resources that might assist you.

I do strongly suggest though that you have a chat with your wife. If you feel that she is at her best when she is at her parent's place, then perhaps having a chat with her while she's there would be an idea. Have you spoken with her parents about her recent mood swings and behaviours? Perhaps they could also give you some further insight.

It can be an emotional rollercoaster dealing with someone's drastic shifts in mood, as well as their suspicions of infidelity, so please also make sure that you are getting the time, space, and support that you need. If this means seeing a Dr or counsellor yourself then I'd encourage you to do so. Coming here to the forums in another great way to find out about others' experiences, and get support for yourself.

As Neil has said, I do hope that we will hear more from you, and I wish you all the best for now in chatting with your wife.

AGrace

[Jack1978]

Thanks Neil. I probably forgot to mention that being of Asian origin the marriage was much of an arranged sort of affair. I did find her outbursts a little odd (yes a little) during our short time between engagement and marriage. I thought once we start living together, the problem would go away.  But that never happened. Last night she was angry at something and I did manage to tell her she probably should consider seeking professional help/counselling. Somehow she was positive. Some how. I never expected she would. I also told her to check a few online forums. Now I am all ready to search for some good professionals. One thing I have observed is that she takes after her father in many ways..in many many aspects. I am just worried that if it will get genetically transferred to our off spring? Thank you very much Neil for the advice .   

[Jack1978]

Thanks AGrace for your kind words. Roller-coaster is the word that best describes. Like I mentioned in my reply to Neil, I have discussed with her the possibility of seeking professional help. She was positive. So lets hope. I did mention to her mother about her regular outbursts. She only writes it off as "she is a little emotional- dats it" . I have note down the sites. Will keep progress posted here. Thanks again. Means a lot to me 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Jack

I'm so pleased that you were able to respond back to myself and to AGrace as well.

Thank you also for providing that little bit more information - and above all, I'm now feeling some positive steps happening (already) for you (and of course, your wife).  That was great that you were able to suggest the seeking out of professional support and an even better result that she seemed positive and "ok" to hopefully give it a go.

So now the ice has been broken (so to speak), just take things steady here - no need for rushing off and getting things all set up and organised - nice and steady with the future moves here.

And yes, that would be brilliant if you're able to respond back with updates,  but also, if you've got any other things you'd like to unload about at all.

Kind regards

Neil

[AGrace]

Hi Jack,

I'm really glad that your wife has decided to talk to someone, and I agree with Neil that being gentle with the approach here is probably best. Don't forget your wife is yet to be diagnosed with anything at all, and it is still a slight possibility that this is just her nature.

You mentioned that her parents have only commented on her getting a bit emotional. I mean no disrespect to your cultural customs, but did your wife's changes in mood start when the two of you met and were arranged to be married? Have you spoken to your wife about how she feels about the meeting and subsequent marriage?

Regarding future offspring I think it's fair to say that every single human on the planet has a 50/50 chance of ending up with mental ill health. I think the focus is best on your wife for now.

I hope that all goes well with the GP appointment and that she finds a therapist that she feels comfortable and confident talking with.

AGrace