I seem to just make things worse.

[Jaiabro]

My girlfriend of 6 months suffers from depression and anxiety. It is mostly caused by past relationships; cheating, sexual disinterest, emotional torment, and sexual abuse from males her own age. This has left her with a very poor self image and an emotional state that is very dependant on her partner's. My problem is that I keep getting things wrong, our counselor says that my mistakes are common and most guys make them, but because of my girls past, they are so much more significant. My first major mistake was the use of porn and lying about it. This being my first relationship in 25 years of life, I had developed what might be considered an unhealthy dependency on porn for physical release. Once we started dating I didn't stop using it, not because I was disinterested, but because she lived in another state and I couldn't wait two weeks for sex, I know I was selfish. What made it worse was that instead of telling her what I was doing, I lied about it so she wouldn't think less of me. Once she found out she was heart broken, in her mind I had done as every other guy had done, chosen another woman over her. Now, in her mind, she know for a fact that I wanted to be with other women, plus she couldn't trust me. We almost broke up over it. I didn't take her feelings into account, and the stupid thing is I am still doing it; occasionally I have not told her about things because I was worried how she would react, or I'd say things to try and calm her down instead of being honest, or I'd be confronted with her anxiety about me looking at other women and I myself would shut down because I didn't know what to do to help her, this made her feel abandoned. I just don't know what I'm doing here, I love her and want her to be hapoy with me, but everything just goes wrong everytimw I open my mourh.

[White_Rose]

Hello Jaiabro

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for trusting us with your story. I hope I can offer some comfort and/or suggestions. I have no doubt others will also respond to you.

Knowing the right thing to do in any circumstance is difficult. And it's not as though you can get a manual on the subject. I think we all live in a world of fear that we will not get our needs met and that we will hurt the people we love by not meeting their needs. And sadly it's true at times.

Being brutally honest is not the best option in most cases but I agree with you that there must be honesty in a good relationship. The really difficult part is that you cannot see into your girlfriend's head and heart to know how she feels. And of course this is true in reverse. So how to be open to each other without wrecking trust?

It may be useful to have a talk with each other one day about the sort of things each of you would like to know and how the other feels about that.Do you tell each other what activities you do while you are apart? How do you communicate while apart? Do you use Skype? If you can talk several times during the fortnight you are apart there will be less opportunity or need to lie.

For example, what did you do after work today? Talking about these smaller things with complete freedom helps to develop a good trust in each other and there are no surprises when you meet up again. Knowing that one or other of you has lunch with colleagues once a week or goes to the pub etc becomes less threatening. Part of the routine of life that you would probably do if you were able to be together all the time. I hope you get my drift.

Keep on talking to each other. Make a pact that if something one partner says or does upsets the other you will talk about it, either straight away or set a convenient time. And promise to listen to each other and respect the others point of view.

As your girlfriend is fairly fragile you need to tell her (nicely) that anything you do or say is never meant to hurt her and that you would appreciate being told when she feels upset. That way she can trust you to explain honestly and gently.

From my own experience I know that I would prefer to be told the truth, even if it were uncomfortable than to be left wondering if you had told the truth. This just sets up a constant atmosphere of suspicion and is horrible.

I hope I have given you something that meets your need in some way. Please write in again.

Warm regards

Mary