Feeling lost

[lilelle28]

So, my fiancé and I have been together for a few years. He moved to another area of the country for a year before I moved here with him. When I got here, there was a huge change in him. It went from a completely loving a nurturing relationship where he was a complete and utter gentlemen, to nothing. He was the most loving and caring person I had ever met and I feel head over heels in love with him. But, he changed. He went from warm and inviting to cold and distant. At first, I thought maybe he no longer wanted to be with me. We had been apart for a year. Though we talked everyday and we visited each other, maybe something was no longer there for him. Come to find out, after some heated arguments, he was depressed and ready to commit suicide. During these arguments he became another person. He would say things to deliberately hurt me. Given the depression, I tried to move passed that. . Last night he came home from work and sat on the couch (he is a mobile developer) playing with different apps. I sat and did the kids homework with them. When they went to bed, he sat on our bed coding on his computer. Completely disengaged and disinterested in what was happening in the house hold. It is like this most nights. When I try to talk to him about it, he pushes back on me and tries to argue that there is nothing wrong and that I have a problem. We got into an argument and he was telling me some pretty bad things about myself. I don't know if this is normal behavior for someone with clinical depression. I have never dealt with this and the things he says gives me the impression that I am no longer wanted. He proposed to me just after he was diagnosed with clinical depression. He thanked me for having been there for him during eh proposal. Now, I just feel like he was thanking me for being his verbal punching bag. I feel like I walk on eggshells to try and make him happy. I understand that he can't see it, but he sits and call me ungrateful when all I am doing is trying to help. All I want is my relationship back with him, but I am sick of being told I am a problem when I don't even understand what I've done. The way he is day-to-day and the things he says when he is angry make me feel like there is nothing left for us. But he alway says he doesn't mean it.

[white knight]

Hi Feelinglost,  a warm welcome here on Beyond Blue forums

I dont think he does mean it. I've been in that mood also. Now, thankfully I'm on the way to being 90% mended.

He might need to seek the best medication for him and just as important the ideal dosage - for him. Then there's often ongoing therapy. Support for him is a link in the chain he needs, not just wants. His big change in persona is a confirmation in my view that he does indeed suffer issues.

It isnt easy for you. I suggest you attend your GP to seek referrals for family guidance and support services. I think you are trying to "fix" it all by yourself and this is simply not possible without some friction.

Either way, professional assistance is required IMO.

Take care Lilelle

Tony

[geoff]

dear Lilelle, thank you so much for trusting people that you don't know, but have a bagful of knowledge and experience.

The words from Tony are excellent, as per usual.

Words coming from someone who is depressed certainly are hurtful for the person on the receiving end, which then brings me to the point, is that whether or not you are strong enough to be able to handle them without yourself breaking down, so what I do think is that it's beginning to really affect you in a bad way, so you should go and visit your GP, so that taking any medication will make you a stronger person to be able to cope with his words, or not so much cope but let it bounce off you.

You 'can't fix it by yourself', and this applies to him as well as yourself.

He certainly needs some help and if he refuses to get some then I think you will have to tell him to move out, I know that this maybe heartbreaking, but it's not a pleasant environment for you nor the children.

I am saying this because it's your post and we are replying to you. L Geoff. x