My husband tried to kill himself

[Key]

Hi, I've been married for 6years now and the problem got worse and worse. My husband's father committed suicide. Ever since that, every time we argue, my husband ended up easily distressed ( shouting and screaming, getting out of house on barefoot and walked around late at night and I have to follow him to get him to home safely, throwing up badly on the floor, block his ears with his hands and repeating same thing over and over, and etc.) and I ended up saying everything is my fault and I am the bad person and I am sorry. But tonight was the worst. We were having arguments since this morning and he completely shut me out like I am an invisible person. I wasn't trying my best to talk him out because I was tired. At night I tried to talk to him but he locked himself in the bedroom again, so I opened it with the key and got in there. He wasn't listening to me and was covering his face with a pillow. I got stressed out and my voice got a bit louder and the way I speak got not so kind. I took about 10 minutes away from him, and got closer to him and talked to him. Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is, I am getting very tired of dealing with these situations, but at the same time, it's getting not that extremely shocking to me when it is. Of course I was all shaky and things with what happens tonight? Am I mentally wrong as well? I believe the life is given with reasons and ourselves can not take it away. I don't want to kill myself nor die when it's not meant to be. I really don' t know what to do. I can't talk this to my family or my friends. I think I'm going nuts as well.

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[geoff]

dear Key, oh boy I have to feel so sorry for you, because trying to deal with someone who is badly depressed is certainly not an easy task, and you are facing a very difficult situation, and not one that you can deal with, and I don't mean this in any way to upset you, because boy, it's such so hurtful for you.

I am so sorry for the loss of your father in law, but please your life is so important to us and anyone else who is involved, because the ramifications that follow affect everyone, as it has now done to your husband and this includes yourself.

OK help is needed here as this situation is very dramatic and very concerning, so first of all is that you need to see your GP, because you need assistance to get yourself back on track, because the way you are heading is towards having a nervous breakdown, so please from my experience as well as other people it's something that you want to avoid.

I think that you should stay with someone if this is possible, because it's not going to get any better at happen at home, so I wonder whether you have any medical insurance, and if so then this would help you a great deal, but if not then we have to help you in other ways.

I do notice that you don't talk to any family as well as any friends, so if there is not anybody then we will have to take another approach.

It's not ' getting not that extremely shocking to me when it is' only because it's a continual event or discussions, but it's wearing you down and you are becoming very tired.

Somehow he really needs professional help, but this is going to be tricky, because if you mention this to him he won't even think about going, so I wonder whether or not he works.

I really hope that you can reply back to us, as there are a couple of points which would be great to let us know the answers to, only if you feel comfortable.

Your situation is a very serious one, and we really want to help. L Geoff. x

[AGrace]

Hi Key,

I have to agree completely with Geoff, that you do need to see to yourself first, but that your husband also needs a great deal of professional support. There's not a lot else that I can add to what Geoff has already said except I want to ask whether your husband received any support after his father passed?

It sounds like your husband is living in a heightened state of anger, so he resembles a ticking time bomb, and when he's pushed even very mildly he is unable to control his emotions. I can understand that his father's passing may be the underlying cause for this built up rage, but it could also be related to something else. Regardless, you don't want to have to live the rest of your life walking on eggshells and behaving passively in order to avoid situations like the night you have described.

How willing is your husband to seek help? When not arguing with you what's his level of functioning? Does he ever show remorse after these instances?

I also wanted to ask, because it's really important, do you and your husband have any children? If so, are they also witnessing this behaviour?

I know this must feel like a nightmare that you can't wake up from but there is support available to you, and if you ever feel like you need more than what we can give you on the forums, please don't hesitate to contact Beyondblue. They are there for loved one's as well.

I'll finish by saying please take Geoff's advice and consider making yourself an appointment with your GP. Your husband's actions, although unintentional, will end up having an affect on you if you don't care for yourself first.

AGrace

[white knight]

Hi Key, a warm welcome here.

I also agree totally with Amber and Geoff. I'd also like to add one thing.

Couples when they argue can be a terrible experience. Their whole world is crashing down. So when my wife and I first lived together we made a personal pact.

"If we have a disagreement and one wants to stop talking we are to respect that persons wish. We dont not under ANY circumstances leave our property. We can go to the garage or back yard and cool off. When one person feels its time to share a brew and try to mend things they cam approach the other person and offer to have a cuppa. If the other person eneeds more time they can (nicely) say" I will in an hour or so thankyou" Then its up to that person to offer the cuppa next time in an hour or so.

Guess what- when we have disagreed then one of us approaches the othe rin about 20-30 minutes everytime. Seems that the 20 minutes is enough to reflect.  I also had a personal rule similar with my kids. If they wanted space then they could go tot heir room and I NEVER went in there. I allowed them space.  I know you are concerned for your husbands welfare but if you come to a similar pact then he will feel he is at some comfort by remaining in his shed without the arguement continuing.

And Geoff and Amber's recommendations are a must.

Take care

[geoff]

dear Key, thanks Amber and WK, but just to add on to this is that when my ex and I had an argument or more so her yelling at me, she went to the bedroom if it was the w/end and wouldn't talk to me for a couple of days, and only then if I apologised because I was always wrong, and not once in 25 of years of wedded bliss did she ever say 'sorry' to me. L Geoff. x