Worried friend

[Girl]

Hi 

My dearest friend has been diagnosed with chronic depression and chronic pain today. 

He has been prescribed medication and will be speaking to professionals in a week or so after taking the medication.

i just want to understand more about the medication and its side effects 

I have read a bit and some things terrify me. I would love o hear one other people's experiences. 

I feel strong enough to stick by him, I am here to listen and just be a friend 

I know it is a long journey ahead and I would love any advice from anyone on how to help how to listen and how to be whatever it is he needs me to be. 

I feel like I'm rambling sorry! 

Any support and advice to help me be the best I can be would be grand 

[AGrace]

Hi Girl,

Wow, thank you for being such a caring and compassionate friend. No doubt your friend really appreciates you.

I guess in terms of medication everyone's experiences will be different. I can only assume that your friend will be prescribed some form of antidepressant. With antidepressants they are usually commence at quite a low dose to begin with until tolerance is ascertained. There are some signs to look out for, and some that can be expected.

My experience is that when I started taking an antidepressant the depression got worse for the first 4-6 weeks. It was explained to me that this was to be expected. It was important to me to have someone monitor me during this time, looking out for signs of intense and prolonged sadness, anger, or isolation. Monitoring changes in my motivation, sleep, willingness to participate in life, unhelpful thoughts or urges, appetite, concentration, and physiology such as nausea, dizziness etc. It sounds like a lot but not everyone gets every side effect, and not all of the side effects are severe enough to warrant attention. Your friend's doctor should also be monitoring him regularly during these early stages.

In your post I think you have said everything that I think I could ask of a friend during times of difficulty. Being available to listen, accepting when even the simplest of tasks seems to overwhelming, gently encouraging, supporting, non-judgemental. The other piece of advice that I recall giving my partner was not to take everything I did or said too literally. You are kind of like a different version of yourself when you have depression and often you can say things that you don't really mean, sometimes without even realising it. It's not an excuse for disrespect, but a little bit of patience and tolerance can go a long way. You may also like to consider removing the question "how are you?" from your vocabulary. I know it sounds odd, but when we're unwell it's something that we seem to be asked a lot. "How are things travelling? What do you feel up to doing today? How can I be here for you today?" were some of my preferred choices.

I also started a thread in the supporting family and friends section of the forums called "TIPS FOR CARING FOR A LOVED ONE", if you haven't done so already, I'd invite you to take a look at this too.

You're going to be an amazing support for your friend, and I hope we hear more from you.

AGrace

[Girl]

Hi AGrace

Thanks so much for your prompt reply! I keep checking every 5 minutes!

All of what you have said makes total sense and I know I can do this.

I am terrified to be honest, terrified that I will let him down, that I won't be able to help, that I will say too much when he just wants someone to listen or I will say nothing when he needs me to say something.

I know it is just me being over sensitive and trying hard to be all I can for him.

My heart is just breaking - I just want to wrap him in my arms and hug it all away.

I have read all the information on here - it is really helpful - I have also looked at a few videos online which were helpful too - I know he is scared too , he feels exhausted like he can't do this , that the fight just isn't in him, he feels weak and it doesn't feel right for a man to feel this.. I have told him I am not going anywhere, that I have done the research for him and this is all normal. He wants to figure out the trigger - where this stemmed from and why this is happening now - do I talk this through with him?

I also read his meds can make him feel anxious - but he already feels this - so what does that mean?

So sorry for all the questions I just want to be the best I can be for him and am worried I don't have all the tools

Speak soon

Girl x 

[AGrace]

Hi Girl,

You're welcome.

It's the fear that will motivate you both, so use it for this purpose.

If you feel fearful of saying too much or too little, just ask your friend. As much as he is going through a very tough time, he will always be human, and he knows that you won't get it right all the time. Be honest with him, if you feel you can't answer something, or do something, or if you don't know something, tell him.

Hugs are good, and no doubt he will appreciate them too. He knows you can't make it all go away, because if you could then you would, so don't be tempted to set your or his expectations too high. It will take time to work through this. It can also help to praise him for taking steps in the right direction - seeking professional help, putting coping strategies into practice etc. Also don't be tempted to take away the normalcy of your friendship. If he likes having coffee with you, he will still like having coffee with you. If he wants to know how you are tell him how you are - and don't sugarcoat it.

In terms of the underlying cause, I think leave this to the professionals. Sometimes it can be painful to explore, and sometimes we just can't pinpoint it ourselves. As I said he doesn't expect you to solve this for him. If he feels like talking to you about it, then listen as you have said, and encourage him to chat with his treatment team too.

Some people take antidepressants for depression, others take it for anxiety, or both. The warning is just there as a warning. If he is already experiencing anxiety that's ok, if it get's severely worse after starting medication then this is something for him to inform the Dr of.

The only real tool that you need is you. Try not to stress too much as you want to be fit and well if you are to support him, and stress can have an impact on you too.

You will both be fine.

AGrace x