How do I know how bad it is

[Sazz]

My daughter is in a very bad place right now. It would take too long to go into detail but the basics are severe depression, anorexia due to anxiety and anger. She is living on her own which isn't a good thing and the last few weeks things seem to have gotten worse. She is not rational, tends to have all these ideas but instead of completing one thing at a time, ends up with a whole hoard of things cluttering up the small villa. Then the ideas take a back seat and she crashes. I know she smokes marijuana and is taking an antidepressant but they don't seem to be working. I'm worried that I won't know when to intervene. On the one hand if I ring mental health how do I know it's necessary and if I don't and she does the unthinkable .... 

Its so hard to know what course of action to take .. What should I do?

[Neil_1]

Hi there Sazz

Thank you so much for coming to Beyond Blue and providing your post.   I can understand your concern and worry – my son is in a bad place at the moment also;  he’s living with us – he’s still a youngster (16).  How old is your daughter??

A couple of family related questions:    do you have other children?   In that, if so, is there a possible sibling who your daughter gets on well with?   Someone who could possibly go visit her and just hang around with her for a while – and kind of get to chatting about things?   The other question relates to you:   do you feel your relationship with your daughter is at a level where she would be ok with you visiting her (or perhaps going out for a lunch or something along those lines)?

You say the last few weeks have gotten worse – so you’re obviously in touch with her enough to get a feel for how she’s travelling.  The other side of that too is that she IS on anti-depressants, and if she’s smoking pot, then that would go a long way to cancelling out its effectiveness.  But to be on A-D’s, it shows that at least she’s been to a GP in order to be diagnosed and then prescribed the meds.

Do you think she’d be able to get back to the GP for a bit of a revisit of her situation?

I’m sensing your daughter is potentially in her late teen’s?    Those ages can be difficult to communicate properly with which under these circumstances is very unfortunate.

I guess for the moment, I’ll send this off – as I’ve asked a few questions and would love to hear back from you.  I’m pretty sure that others will come on board as well for further responses and advice for you.  This is a very important issue and one where I hope we can come up with enough strategies that might well help your daughter (and as a result of that, help yourself).  To try to put your mind at ease is something I hope we can do.

Kind regards

Neil

[Sazz]

Hi Neil, thank you so much for your message. My daughter is 26, she does have an older sister but they don't get along that well, she has cousins and yesterday when we were really at crisis point, 2 of her friends were there for her. Yesterday she lost her job as she has been having time off work and hasn't been able to function very well since her relationship broke up. Although she says she's glad she's not with him anymore, he was quite abusive, I found out, and she has changed since being with him over the last 2 years. 

I am there for her always but at the moment she is angry with me and blames me for her life being the way it is. Now that she has lost her job, unless she is able to motivate herself to work and find a job straight away she won't be able to pay her rent. I've said she can come home but she won't do that. She is severely depressed and I'm so worried about what I can/should do. She doesn't seem like she is likely to do anything awful to herself at the moment but my fear is that she's hanging on by a thread.

Its hard to talk effectively with her as it doesn't matter what I say, she get angry with me and accuses me of being insensitive and negative. She's very volatile and gets angry at the slightest thing, I'm sure thats because she is feeling so terrible. Myself and my mother went over to her house today and she has stuff from the entry right out to the backyard, its a case of having to squeeze through objects and junk to get around. I tried to tell her we need to help her sort it out and that depression is like a monster and she can feel better we just need to get an appt with a psychiatrist and see what can be done. She is happy to see a psych but whenever I try and suggest cleaning up or that she needs to stop collecting furniture and "stuff" she gets so angry and says she will do what she wants (which is fair enough I guess) but she can't live like that, especially in a rental. Not to mention how stressful it must be for her mentally to be surrounded by all that junk with barely a spot to sit.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Sazz

Sorry that I’ve been away for a couple of days – but thank you so much for your latest reply.

You know, my first thought on this latest post – I would not be surprised if your daughter is also diagnosed as OCD.  The hoarding of furniture and laying it out every which-way could be construed under a type of OCD.  And if that’s the case, then I think that any kind of suggestion to get her to tidy things up will be met with a brick wall kind of response.

I think a lot of care has to be exhibited when talking and dealing with her – as her illness seems to be quite deep seated and will need some kind of professional counselling to assist her.  That was lovely to read that a few of you were there for her the other day, when she unfortunately lost her job – and that’s the crap situation when it comes to not having a job – no money – how does one pay bills, rent, etc??  then that just plays on our minds even more so.

To be honest, I’m (or try to be) a neat freak and really dislike having stuff lying around – having stuff in a neat and ordered manner and in its right place is a big thing – so I can see your point of view with her place where she’s living.

That’s great news to read that she’s ok to go and see a psychiatrist – but in order to do that, I believe you need to get a referral made from your own GP.   Just a bit of advice, in case you’re not sure about your own GP or any local GP’s:   Beyond Blue have put on this site a list of GP’s that can be searched for.  The thing with these guys is that they all specialise in mental health issues and as a result of that, they would be best able to advise a suitable psychiatrist (or psychologist) for your daughter and possibly whether she may need to go on any kind of medication as well.

Again, thanx so much for posting back and would be great if you’re able to keep on with this.

Neil

[gremz]

hey Sazz,

When I first started reading your story I thought it was my mum!

It sounds like your daughter's going through a real tough time! But its really great that she is willing to seek and accept support. It is not always easy to talk to your parents, you want them to be proud of you, and sometimes you just need someone to be angry at. I'm not saying your situation is like mine, but I'd like to share what worked for me ad my mum.

The first thing, she got support for herself. A counselor and a support group. She's been going for 5 years and she becomes calmer and more understanding as the years go on. She more goes to help others now. Seek out local support groups for parents.

Second, I know its hard, but give her space. I know when my place was messy, I was so embarrassed, but getting out of bed was my achievement for the day - so focus on what she does do!  Maybe some of those things are a part of her life she's not ready to touch yet. Give her time, and space. Let her know you are always there for her and let her keep control of the wheel on where her life goes.

Also, make sure she does get to that psych! Support is critical, and if she doesn't like them after a few goes, find someone she can be comfortable with (not everyone clicks) As professionals they should know the best thing for her, and when to really worry. She sounds like she has so much potential and a great mum. 

If you are truly concerned call the CAT team.