We need help!!!

[tazza89]

My partner of 4yrs seems to be battling depression. Reasons unknown but every year around this time it hits and he pushes every one away. Two years in a row he left me because of it. This year i don't want it to go that way, he needs support but just cannot open up. It's hard for me as I suffer anxiety and bouts of depression myself and when his pops up, it becomes a trigger for me from my past. I need to help him but I don't know how. 

He's in autopilot mode, he's oblivious to everything around him. I need support to not let his ways get the better of me and send me crashing, I can't give up on him but he wants me to "I don't blame you if you leave" are his words. I need a plan of attack. I'm leaving to go on holiday in two days, I thought that could give him his time to be alone and do his own thing and find something to help him with out a nagging girlfriend at home and just some time for him to do what he wants. 

I've asked him if he wants me to come back home when I get back and he just says "I don't know, I don't know anything" how do I help and support him? Do I come home and be a girlfriend and just be? Keep something stable for him.

What do I do? How do I handle this and him and keep myself grounded and unaffected by him? 

[white knight]

Hi tazza89, welcome here to BB forums.

The $64,000 question is begging to be asked- is he getting professional help?

From what you have described, he definitely needs it starting with his GP. How can you tackle this alone without it?

There are many people with symptoms not near as bad as what you have written about that have sought medical assistance.

My wife (she also suffers depression) and I would be in heaps of trouble without the psychiatrists and therapists that have helped us over the years AND the medication.

Hope to hear from you soon.  Tony

[tazza89]

Thanks for the reply. No, no professional help at all. I suggested it last time and he says he just doesn't have time. He is a head chef that works 10hr days and on his days off he just doesn't want to have to think about anything. I do need to convince him this is what he needs. He thinks he can do it alone. He can, it takes months but we end up back here. For both of us this needs to be dealt with properly now. How do you get a stubborn man to see some one about his feelings? And a man who is full of excuses. 

His father is visiting at the end of the week. Would it be over stepping if I told him what's going on? I've spoken with his mother and sister but they carry on and stress him out more. I thought the dad option might be a better more convincing option?

[Neil_1]

Hi Tazza

And like White Knight, I’d also like to welcome you  to Beyond Blue.

Tricky tricky situation you’ve got going.

My opinion is that mental health issues (depression, anxiety, etc) cannot be dealt with on your own.  It simply doesn’t work.  It will actually thrive in that kind of environment and really ruin so many aspects of a person’s life (and it will use its power to then contribute to mucking up other people’s lives who are close to this person) – as you seem to be experiencing at the moment.

Just on the subject of his father – that’s an iffy one.  Questions need to be asked.   How do you think your partner would react to finding out that his Dad knows (especially if HE hasn’t told him).    How do you think his Dad would react to being told?   And this is a biggie, as in lots of these cases, parents reactions to depression are unfortunately not what we’d always like.   You know the old adage, “what have you got to be depressed about”  or “lift your head up, pull up your socks and toughen up”.  It’s a lot to do with a generational age thing I believe.  But really only you could possibly know that.  You’d have to be 100% confident on those kinds of fronts before you could try something like that.

I think the better angle to try for is to get him to a GP.  But that’s the tough one, isn’t it.  How?  Perhaps a way of trying to explain to him, how he is and how that nothing is changing – hmmm, perhaps that’s not the best angle.   What about giving the option of all he needs to do is come along ie:  say you’ll set up an appointment and you will take him.  And if he would like, you can go in with him – or just wait outside??

Hope to hear back from you.

Neil

[tazza89]

After speaking to his mum and sister,  I don't think the dad option will be the best. 

It breaks my heart watching him like this and he is so disconnected,  he treats me as if I'm just an employee. It's so hard not to take it personally. But I've dedicated almost 4 years to this man, with a house animals and a life built together, I'm not going to let him throw it all away again. I've spoken to one of his good friends who is in a similar situation but has made the leap to seek professional help and asked his opinion andhow he thinks I should handle it. He didn't have a great deal of advise but has offered to speak to him man to man and see if he's willing to see some one but only if he seems off to him. 

I leave tonight for 11 days, there isn't too much I can do, like he didn't even say goodbye to me this morning and I wanted to flip big time! I am so hurt but instead I've written him a quick letter saying I love him and will miss him, told him there are fresh towels there and a new blade on the razor for him. I'm about to go buy him his favorite lollies and leave them on the bed, yes? And when I get back, judge how he is and then suggest he come to the doctors with me.

It's so hard trying to be nice and loving to some one who just doesn't want it and will just ignore it. I'mgoing to need as much help as him getting through this so I ddon't fall again. 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Tazza

Yes, the situation is tricky, but let me say that you are handling it extremely well.  Ok, it might not seem that way to you – but just from an outsiders viewpoint, the things you’re doing and the things you’re saying, are all really good stuff.

Seeking out opinions of others;   supplying some of your own suggestions – and from someone only new to this, it tells me that you are a really wonderful person.  But be that as it may, your last line was one that I was going to suggest to you as well – but you beat me to the punch.

In that, with all that will be going on in the near future, it’s going to become pretty stressful to you and that you will need to make every effort to make sure that YOU are ok as well.

So yes, when you get back, try to sort out an appointment first, for yourself – and then try the approach to get that man of yours along as well.  Eleven days away – not sure if you’ll be even reading this now, but if you are, I hope it’s somewhere lovely and a bit of a holiday.

Kind regards

Neil

[GrabAVoice]

Hi Tazza,

I have just read your recent posts.  So I know you are on holidays now, and I hope you get a much needed break.  I just want to show you some support and say to you that you are an amazing person supporting your partner this way - and trying to establish the best way to approach this situation.  Definitely make sure you can get to your GP or someone to talk this over with and yes hopefully with you going it might help your partner to take his first step too.  Another option perhaps for your partner if you can't get him to an appointment is to try the bb phone help line on  1300 22 4636.  There is also the Mens helpline on 1300 789 978.   Also does he have any interests that may have lapsed and he can start to take up again.  Gentle strolls together might be a slow way to get a little bit of exercise into the day - strolls along the beach, little picnics by the river - can always bring a little bit of calm.  Take it day by day Tazza, and although I know how difficult it can be sometimes, love and support from you will help your partner, even though most of the times they do not show any appreciation for this.  Stay strong and take care.  Thinking of you and hoping things settle down soon. xx