Partner with worsening depression and alcoholism, wanting to separate

MTKC · ‎16-09-2014

Hi everyone! This is my first time to the forum, I'm hoping to gain a greater understanding of how my partner is feeling based on other people's experiences with depression, if they are able to share?

As some background - we have been together for around 3 years, and he has had depression for most of his adult life, which I have always been aware of. He also has a history of substance abuse which he has been treated for in the past, including a period of complete sobriety. When we first started seeing each other he was drinking regularly, this has increased to heavily over the last couple of years (alcohol is his only addiction presently). Our relationship has always been pretty good, good communication and happy, occasional periods of him shutting down for a few days but acknowledging his behaviour and reconnecting when he was ready. He has been on medication but at the beginning of this year made a decision to stop taking this based on how he was feeling (I supported this decision). His personality since then has changed markedly, and his drinking has increased. At around the same time we bought a house, I was made redundant, and he started a new job, so there were some fairly major stress factors, those these have since smoothed out and become less stressful. Recently he has confessed that he no longer loves me and thinks a separation would be best. We have acknowledged that his lack of feelings for me are a reflection on his greater lack of feeling for being alive in general, and that he needs to address his depression and alcoholism in order to truly know how he feels, but he is unwilling at this stage to get any help - I think he fears facing the childhood trauma which is the root of all his pain (fair enough, really!).

What I am wondering is - has anyone else been in this situation, and if so, have you been able to reconnect and rebuild your relationship after treatment (or without treatment)? We have always been a team against his illness, but it not seems he and his depression/drinking are now a team against me. I am attempting to salvage as much as I can (I have a therapist giving me advice), but I understand I can't help him if he is not ready to take steps to help himself. Any suggestions would be most appreciated, as I love him dearly and don't want to lose him (from my life, or from the world in general, which at the moment is a strong possibility). This illness is so devastatingly unfair, my sympathy to all of those who suffer from it x

Neil_1 · ‎17-09-2014

Dear mtkc

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

This story is one of those examples where depression doesn’t just hurt and affect the sufferer – but too often, partners and others are dragged down by it as well.

You do sound like a wonderful person, in coming here to seek out appropriate advice – and I think there’ll be others who come on here and respond to you as well.

It’s great how you’ve actually spoken about how he is feeling towards you and a really good step taken to reflect that it is this illness that is strangling his current feeling and affection for you. He’s also said that he’s willing to address his illness along with his reliance on alcohol – but here is a bit of a concern – and it’s not unusual to come across this either. Where the person knows there’s a problem, but to actually take those steps to be proactive and make appointments, arrangements for things to commence is the hard part.

From what I’m reading it still seems like you and he are on good terms. Obviously I know that you have deep deep feelings for him; and his are tainted at the moment. From this, have you tried to see how receptive he might be to: (a) seeking out some professional help ie: a GP appointment? & (b) actually going through with the appointment in order to take those first big steps to try to battle this illness?

You’ve mentioned you’ve got a therapist helping you out. A couple of things from this: (a) have they been helpful to you and have they made ‘ok’ suggestions to you for what’s to happen now and in the immediate future; & (b) and this is another two-fold kind of question: where in the first instance, do you think your therapist would be ‘ok’ to have you BOTH turn up for a session; and stemming from that, do you think your partner would accept this opportunity?

I’m sorry, I’ve asked possibly a lot of questions there – but it’s only so we can try to get a better understanding of the situation, in order to hopefully advise you better.

Look forward to hearing back from you.

Neil

MTKC · ‎18-09-2014

Hi Neil,

Thanks for your reply and advice, and for your support, it is very much appreciated : )

In answer to your questions:

About him seeking professional help - given his history with rehab he appreciates the value of it, but doesn't feel he is ready this time, he hasn't 'bottomed out' on his cycle yet (his description). After some more discussions we've established that him getting some help really is the only way forward for us as a couple so he is taking time to think about what he wants to do, but I'm not truly expecting anything just yet - based on our previous discussions I think the catalyst needs to be bigger?

As well as rehab he has had a lot of counselling and he doesn't feel it helps him, so that isn't an option for him anymore. I have brought up both personal and couples counselling but he isn't open to either.

My therapist has been great, (she is a relationship counselor as well) - I initially starting seeing her to learn some strategies and tools for best coping with his illness and making sure I was mentally healthy at the same time and was able to support him, and she has been extremely helpful both for me and I think for the relationship. After this latest development though her focus has switched somewhat to making sure I am looking after myself and doing what is best for me, which is fair enough I think, as I'm her patient, not my partner : )

I do feel that the ball is in his court at the moment but I'm worried that it is putting pressure on him and making things worse? We're still living together but there is no intimacy and I'm not sure how long that is sustainable, but I also don't want to force a decision in case it's the wrong one.

Any more suggestions would be excellent!

Thanks

geoff · ‎18-09-2014

dear MTKC, I will definitely reply to you, because it's absolutely something that can I relate to, and I am so pleased that my friend Neil has replied to, and there will other great friends of mine who will do the same, it's just that I log off around 1.00pm because I live 'sparrow hours'.

This is because of the medication I have to take, which is mainly my anti-epileptic medicine combined with my antidepressant that make me tired, so I go to bed early but I also get up early ( 12.01 am ), so I'm sorry but I hope that you can wait for my reply, meantime others will respond back to you. L Geoff. x

geoff · ‎19-09-2014

dear MTKC, thanks for posting what can be a very difficult topic to talk about, as it's often not a pleasant to discuss, but really it has to be talked about because this happens to so many people, and this definitely includes me.

First of all it's great that you are having counselling as this is very important so that it enables you to form a base of strength to be able to handle what is thrown at you, but in turn it can't make you to be automatically happy.

We have so many posts about people still suffering from their childhood days, as it's something which lingers on, and any incidents they see will take them back to their childhood days.

One reason why he could shut down for a few days is because something and this can be small, it doesn't matter, just makes him want to hide and then drink, where no one can tell him he's had too much to drink.

If he is ever told this, he will hate it, because someone is trying to dictate to him that it's not going to help, but at this stage he doesn't give a damn, (and by 'he' also meant myself) because it's the only substance that relieves us of the pain.

What I don't like is anyone using other substances, such as drugs, and yes alcohol is a drug, but it's legal, and it's effects can be just as bad, but he's not doing this so we will push it aside at the moment.

The thought of going to rehab doesn't appeal at all to him basically for a couple of reasons, 1 he will have to stop drinking, and 2. he will be lectured into why he has to give up the alcohol, and at this stage he's far from this.

Having couple counselling will all revolve around his drinking, and blaming this for most of the problems, like it did with us, but it suddenly change tune when my wife (ex) told him that I suffered from a head injury, and then the tables turned around which my wife didn't like, and at this stage she wasn't staying with me.

Unfortunately the lack of any decision can mean that he could be in denial, or he's unsure what he wants, can't make a long term decision, but basically he;s procrastinating and the reason is simple he wants to drink, and no one can tell him to stop, because this annoys him.

He will only stop when he wants to, and no matter how much love is shown for him won't make any difference, and normally when people drink too much they tend to want to be intimate, but not in your case.

I'm running out of characters to type, so I had better stop, but the writing is on the wall for you. L Geoff. x

MTKC · ‎20-09-2014

Thanks for the insights Geoff, I'm gathering as much information as I can, and it is really helpful : )