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[KimKat]

Hi, 

So my boyfriend is experiencing anxiety and depression. He's 30, and has experience these things before when he was younger. Recently he went on a month long trip to another country, and he found it very stressful. For various reasons, he felt anxious most of the time. 
Before he left, he'd decided he was going to propose to me when he came home. But a month after he did come home, he finally told me he was afraid and experiencing anxiety/depression and it seemed to be tied up in the idea of proposing to me. It wasn't that he didn't want to anymore - he still does. It's just that his anxiety/depression have been making him doubt himself. 
After opening up to me, he saw his GP and started going to a new counselor. He's been prescribed medication for his anxiety but doesn't want to take it. His counselor has given him some actions to take, but has basically says she is baffled because there doesn't seem to be a direct cause of his problems - his life is basically great. 
We've been trying everything - eating well, exercise, vitamins, not drinking, talking about his problems, trying to identify the negative thoughts when he has them... Some days he will have a few hours of badness, followed by a few hours of good. Other days, he'll be flat all day. Just then he called me in a good mood, and it was just like he used to be... and I couldn't help but burst into tears because I fear he'll be sad again when I get home. 
I feel a little powerless because I'm being positive and supportive and we're trying everything but after 2 months, I feel only a little progress has been made. And occasionally, I feel selfish, and I think "Just get better and propose to me already! Or do it anyway!" because I've wanted this for so long. That's partly out of fear that perhaps even though he loves me and wants to be with me, marrying me is the cause of all this suffering. I don't think that's the case - but that doesn't stop me being afraid of it. 

Is there anything else we should be doing? 

[Doolhof]

Hi KimKat

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope you are able to find some help and advice here. There are people you can chat with in person if you look for the phone number or the webchat is another good place to communicate with a professional who may have some answers for you.

I too suffer from depression and stress so I understand a little of what you boyfriend/fiancé is feeling. I am not sure how else you can help him, it seems like you are both trying very hard to find a solution to what is happening between you both.

Could it be that your boyfriend is finding it difficult to think about making a big commitment such as marriage? You mentioned he suffered like this when he was younger. Do you know what triggered him off then? Are his parents divorced? Or are close friends of his divorced or has someone he has loved/cared for been through a terrible separation? I don't know if any of this is relevant, I am just trying o see if there is any relationship to the depression and anxiety of the past to the situation now.

Maybe there is a root cause that your boyfriend is not yet ready to admit to? This is just another suggestion as to a probably cause for his behaviour.

It sounds like you are both trying very hard to combat this. Could you try another counsellor for a second opinion? Another person might ask different questions and there for get to the root of the problem.

Continue being supportive and positive, and ensure you look after yourself as well. Maybe you could look at some of the information sections linked to this site about anxiety and depression.

Unfortunately I am going to be away for two weeks on Friday, so I will not be around to give you ongoing support. My thoughts are with you and I hope others pick up on your thread and help you out with more advice and encouragement.

All the best to you both, from Dools

[white knight]

Hi Kimkat,  welcome to BB forums.

I have depression dysthymia bipolar 2 and I think I've licked anxiety over the last few years.

From what you are describing my thoughts are to get a second opinion. I'm not qualified to diagnose of course. My experience with receiving diagnosis hasnt been a good one, being previously diagnosed wrongly 10 years ago with ADHD and bipolar 1...much different to now. Subsequently taking the wrong medication has enormous poor effects on your well being.

I hadnt experienced the sort of anxiety your partner seems to have.  It seems he has a hurdle he cannot jump and that be commitment ie marriage.  Anyone reading your thread here could be mistaken for not believing him, that he just doesnt want commitment. This can happen. And it happens a lot. However we have to assume that his love for you is genuine and that he just cant commit or take the step. This would indeed cause you to feel impatient but you know also that expressing your frustration will seem like you are getting pushy and that isnt the atmosphere you want for a fairytale wedding every girl dreams of.

I frankly dont think you have a choice but to back off on the topic.  Allow time to flow a while maybe 6-12 months. Over that time things might change. When the topic of commitment arises be short and calm and just tell him that it is your dream to have a commitment in the form of marriage and that step is dependent on him in all regards, willingness, mental well being and overcoming his anxiety. But you could also throw in that a girl like you doesnt wait forever.

This is in fact the line you draw. You are entitled to you dreams being fulfilled and you should have a time scale.

When I was 21yo I met a lady that had very serious mental illness. We lived together for 5 years. Her commitment to marriage never came. I told her I'd wait one more years for her to make up my mind. One year later I asked her for the last time to marry me. The same answer "oh I just need a bit more time" came from her. I left and never looked back. That was tough.

Its for you to draw the line if you have to. Its for you also to help him try to overcome his illness to a level that is far less impacting.

Finally, overcoming anxiety for me was a cocktail of things. 

1/ normal aging helped (I'm 58yo now)

2/ Correct diagnosis, medication, the right sort and the right dosage.

3/ Relaxation techniques

4/ Relaxed environment and lifestyle

5/ Spiritual contentment

6/ Support

7/ Being realistic with thoughts and fears

[AGrace]

Hi KimKat,

Welcome to the forums.

I would also like to reassure you that it isn't related to you. It could also be that your partner is feeling apprehensive about proposing while he isn't feeling all that great, as he is probably aware of the burden he felt like he placed on loved ones when he went through depression previously. I know from my experience there is a lot of guilt surrounding mental illness, because you feel like you want to be perfect for your life long partner. I'd probably suggest to put aside the idea of marriage for a little while, it will happen for you, and I have no doubt that you and your partner are happily in love. I think a focus on getting him well would be more beneficial at this point.

In saying that I do question the professional advice that has been given, and I wondered whether your partner would be willing to seek a second opinion? If it were me I'd head back to a different GP (there is a list of GPs who specialise in mental health on BBs website) and then request a mental health care plan and referral for your partner to see a Psychologist. The mental health care plan requires the GP to do a thorough diagnosis for mental health, and hopefully this will be a prompt for a better recommendation for medication. The mental health care plan will entitle your partner to 10 free Psychology sessions. If the counsellor is having troubles identifying the issue, then I think that's a dead end street.

Will you let us know how you both get on?

AGrace

[geoff]

dear KimKat, welcome to the site and posting a situation which affects you just as much as your partner, where he is suffering badly from anxiety and for you, it's wanting a decision to be made and whether or not it's the right choice.

Personally it's not an ideal decision to become married at this point of time, and I hope that this hasn't scared you from replying back to us, because it's an open discussion, as we are talking this through to consider both sides of your story.

I maybe making some awkward suggestions in what I am going to say, but please there is no harm at all meant to upset you, and if I do I apologise.

I say this because being asked by the love of your life to become married is exciting for both of you, but in this case there's only excitement on one side and that's with you.

Marriage is a long term agreement between two people, it requires many decisions to be made, work, buying a house or renting, furniture to be bought, who does the cooking and cleaning, who pays bills, and most of which side of the bed you want to sleep on, and believe me this isn't an easy one to decide.

Being married is something that you desperately want, fair enough, and that's romantic, but what happens in two months time or even longer when he can't find a way to overcome his anxiety and with this comes depression, because this is on top of the umbrella, where under it there are so many illness's that sprout out from it, and anxiety is one of these plus a host of other diseases.

Would this put pressure on your relationship, because you are trying to help him but he won't respond to this, I don't know as it's just projecting into an unknown situation, but perhaps you could ask him the question, just as well as 'does he know what is involved in a marriage'.

I can't decide for either of you, nor are my assumptions worth a pinch of salt, but what I would suggest is have a talk on webchat and their phone number is above.

I do hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x