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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Saska How do I respond to............
  • replies: 5

Hi All I am trying to support a few friends with depression. One friend in particular is very special to me and is going through a huge rough patch. How do I respond to him: * Pushing me away? Is this a common trait of people with severe depression? ... View more

Hi All I am trying to support a few friends with depression. One friend in particular is very special to me and is going through a huge rough patch. How do I respond to him: * Pushing me away? Is this a common trait of people with severe depression? * Saying things like " I am struggling right now but you don't need to know about that" ...... How do I say that I do want to know about it and I am more than willing to listen and support him without sounding patronizing? He doesn't seem to believe it is possible for someone to care. Thank you Saska

Brendy Need advice on helping brother who seems depressed due to unemployment
  • replies: 9

Hi all, I was just wondering if anyone out there had advice on helping siblings on their path to recovery with depression. My brother has been unemployed on/off for about 8 years and I've noticed he may be showing signs of depression. It's hard to te... View more

Hi all, I was just wondering if anyone out there had advice on helping siblings on their path to recovery with depression. My brother has been unemployed on/off for about 8 years and I've noticed he may be showing signs of depression. It's hard to tell because he is a shy, introverted and slightly awkward guy. I am most certain that his depression is due to unemployment but I never know because of his personality. Just a bit of background information, our family is Chinese,and in Chinese culture, the oldest child is mostly seen as the leading pride and joy of the family. The fact that he is unemployed, he constantly faces pressures from my parents for him to find a job. Due to his unemployment, he has become a bit of a black sheep of the family. Our family, though we get along, we don't talk about problems - which I think this is a very Chinese mentality. Does anyone have advice on how to approach a sibling about his depression? Is it merely a case of simply embracing the awkward truth and asking him straight out 'Are you depressed?' (I'm worried this will have a denial effect when he answers). Additionally, if anyone from Asian families can share their stories that would also be much appreciated! Thanks,

Maj1958 Crying while I write this, desperate to help my daughter.
  • replies: 5

My 29 year old daughter has been suffering anxiety/depression for some time now. She is married with z3 young children. She has been going to a doctor in a medical centre who has just been handing her pills, most of which have caused side effects (na... View more

My 29 year old daughter has been suffering anxiety/depression for some time now. She is married with z3 young children. She has been going to a doctor in a medical centre who has just been handing her pills, most of which have caused side effects (nausea, loss of appetite, rash, sleep problems etc) her meds were changed 3 weeks ago . Last Friday we got an urgent call from her, she lives over an hour away so it took my husband a while to get there. By the time he arrived she was in a really bad way. Suicidal thoughts, not making any sense etc, it was absolutely terrifying. I was able to get her an emergency appointment at a GP, not her usual doctor. My husband went with her. This doctor was very dismissive and said she was just depressed and that the meds could not cause these side effects (even though there is a clear warning on the packaging). He looked at his watch, handed her a checklist and told her to go home and complete it! It was only after they left that my daughter disclosed to my husband that she had taken too many. Since then it has been a roller coaster of emotions! Her husband took her to their local hospital who took bloods and put a drip in then transferred her to a major hospital in a nearby town. She was discharged at 3am in the morning with the promise of a follow-up visit to their home today by someone from the mental health team. This person who came out had not even read her file and just told her to go back to the medical centre for review! She is in a really bad way and I do not know what to do! It is breaking my heart. Her children are feeling it and her husband doesn't know what else to do to help. I think he is at the stage of taking her back to hospital and having her admitted to the psychiatric (his words) hospital. I do not know what to do or who to turn to for her. There does not seem to be any sort of coordinated health services available to her. Any advise would be so gratefully appreciated.

Shez89 Loved one going through depression
  • replies: 5

Hey guys, Im new to this forum and need help! I have seeked a psychologist just so I can understand more about depression. My Fiance is going through depression.. He was diagnosed last year, but its only gotten serious the last couple of weeks.. To c... View more

Hey guys, Im new to this forum and need help! I have seeked a psychologist just so I can understand more about depression. My Fiance is going through depression.. He was diagnosed last year, but its only gotten serious the last couple of weeks.. To cut the long story short, he has lost 3 people in his family (one bro, mother, and birth mother) in the last year and a half. The latest one being 3 weeks ago.. he had a car accident 3-4 yrs ago, which has left his back stuffed for good and has been told recently he needs surgery done.. plus we are planning our wedding which is supposed to be this November. Last week he told me he wanted to be alone.. he didnt feel anything for me (after 9 yrs), and doesnt feel anything for the wedding.. then the next day tells me im still his fiance and that he doesnt want me to cancel anything... He has been staying with his brother since last week, (hasnt been taking his medication).. he doesnt want me to contact him, but leave him alone. I saw him once only on the weekend to hang out, and he told me he has already wanted to commit suicide.. this has left me so worried, that the next day I texted him just to make sure he is ok and alive.. but he got annoyed at me for texting and calling him... I dont know what to do.. I cry everyday.. I dont feel like eating.. I dont want to do anything! All I do is think about him and if he is alive and ok.... I want to contact him but I dont want to push him away. What do I do?

Fletch74 Negative Partner who is closed minded
  • replies: 9

Hi All, Thank you for reading my post as I am new to the forum. My wife has depression, probably Post-Natal. She acknowledges it, she has decided to take some medication, but won't go and get help as she doesn't think she needs it. I personally think... View more

Hi All, Thank you for reading my post as I am new to the forum. My wife has depression, probably Post-Natal. She acknowledges it, she has decided to take some medication, but won't go and get help as she doesn't think she needs it. I personally think she is afraid to open up wounds and get hurt. She also has had Ante-Natal depression and got help from someone prior to having our 2nd child. She absolutely loved seeing her as she was able to get many things off her chest, but won't go down that track now. She always finds excuses for why she shouldn't go there. My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years. We both come from Unstable upbringings, but her's more so, her Father also suffers from depression and is a very anxious person who always worries about the most minute things. This has rubbed off on her. I was not spoken to last night as we're visiting my parents tonight, and staying over. My wife is working today and asked if perhaps we could go on Sunday morning as the last thing she wants to is have to get things ready when she gets home from work to go out. I have complete understanding, but knowing that my parents haven't seen our children for over 2 months I try and understand their point too. So I offered to help get things ready before she got home, only to be ignored for the remainder of the night and this morning as I have not understood her situation. I try and get her to see the positives from this, like she will be able to relax and not have to worry about dinner, or lunch the next day. The above is an ongoing issue, as she can only ever see the negative in a situation, and if I try and point out the positive, or an opportunity that might arise from the situation, I will often get shot down. My wife is very closed minded and finds it hard to overcome things. It can often take 2-3 days before she lets things go, and they can be very minor. This definitely comes from her upbringing. She has mentioned suicide before as well, but the kids often prevent that. I've tried to be positive right throughout this and have always been there if she's needed to vent anything, but often the moment I try and say it's not like that, maybe it's this, I'll get shot down. She knows everything basically. She doesn't want anyone of her friends or family to know she has depression either, which makes it very hard. As a result, I am at a point where I don't know where to turn because it's rubbing off on me and changing my moods too.

daisydior Not sure how much more I can take!
  • replies: 4

My partner has Bi Polar . We have an 18 month old and I have 2 boys from my previous relationship. Im not even sure if he's even taking his medication still. 2 weeks ago, he came home after taking our daughter out to get new shoes at my request. I wa... View more

My partner has Bi Polar . We have an 18 month old and I have 2 boys from my previous relationship. Im not even sure if he's even taking his medication still. 2 weeks ago, he came home after taking our daughter out to get new shoes at my request. I wasn't keen on his shoe purchase, considering he doesn't have an issue with putting large amounts of cash in a pokie machine or a problem getting cannabis Out of the blue he says to me maybe you should pay half the rent. I stay calm and say okay. He goes to our room takes some clothes, comes out and yells at me, swearing at me, how I really need to get some serious help. Im still calm .He was muttering something to me and I said well just pack your stuff and go. He then took my car key off my set of keys. Our daughter followed him out to the car as she usually does and he'll bring her back and say good bye to her. This day, he takes her with him. He didn't even come tell me that he has her. She has no formula, nappies,clothes. Nothing.. In the morning (Mon) I messaged him and said 'Make sure you give Z breakfast'. About 9:30 he messages me asking what time would I like her home. I said before 2pm.He drops her off at 11 and knocks on the door and she's still in the same clothes. , I almost forget to ask him to get the pram out of the car so I can walk to school to get the kids .He drives off even after asking about the pram. I call him and he says he'll come back that night to drop it off. It isn't any help to me then.He comes back at 7:30pm 'Can you please open the garage I'll get the pram out for you'. I informed him that I have packed his stuff up for him he can take what he wishes from the inside also. I ask for the garage remote. He says 'No'. So, he has had no contact with us since monday and that was only about the rent that he isn't going to pay.He hasn't even asked to see how his daughter is which I just can't understand. Last time,he left no money not even for formula, didn't pay rent, NOTHING. So, this time I was prepared and have savings. But, Im sick and tired of living like this. All he does is eat, sleep, watch dvdd in bed, gets home late after he's worked late, but I know he goes to the pub for a drink and a play of the pokies no doubt. I love him , but hate him at the same time right now. I feel for him. But as a mother I need to protect my children and myself.He has said in the past that he doesn't want to change and I shouldn't make him. I suppose that's my answer.

Seesaw Feeling helpless
  • replies: 3

My husband of 13 years and best friend of 20 years left our home, me, and our 4 children 6 weeks ago. He has been diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression and says that he just feels nothing. He continues to support us financially and by picking ... View more

My husband of 13 years and best friend of 20 years left our home, me, and our 4 children 6 weeks ago. He has been diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression and says that he just feels nothing. He continues to support us financially and by picking the kids up and dropping them off at school but he's not feeling any real connection with us or anything really. I've tried giving him space, I've tried being supportive and listening. I've tried focusing on me and the kids, I've tried being passionate, I've tried listening to the advice of others. I don't know how to be. I want my husband home and loving me but understand he can't do that yet. I don't want him to think I don't love him but I also don't want him to think he can come and have happy family time here and then just leave and do whatever he wants the rest if the time. I just want someone to tell me exactly what I need to do to support him to remember how much we love each other. I miss him. His kids miss him and I'm scared that he will never be well enough to value that. How do I respond/support him without losing him?

katie-j i don't know what to do
  • replies: 4

So my partner of 3 years has depression (melancholia). At this point in time i am really struggling to support him. As for myself i have anxiety and I worry about him all the time. He has had depression since his teenage years (he is now 33) been on ... View more

So my partner of 3 years has depression (melancholia). At this point in time i am really struggling to support him. As for myself i have anxiety and I worry about him all the time. He has had depression since his teenage years (he is now 33) been on and off meds when we met he was on antidepressants he said that they made him feel flat- he never had the ups or the downs, just felt nothing. So he decided to wean off them. This was about 1.5 years ago now he has his extreme ups and downs (mostly downs). he has weird sleeping habits and i don't think this is helping his cause, he is never up before midday and always goes to bed around 4am. His day consists of smoking cones, playing xbox, work all day everyday. I think this is really starting to take a toll on our relationship. I really despise pot he says this is how he copes with his depression so he doesn't have to deal with his reality. I hate it and I hate the smell. I've asked him to quit so many times, he says that he is a very angry person off it but thats him having withdrawals right? I know he wants help but at the same time can't bring himself to do it. he also doesn't like to talk to me about any of it and gets angry if i suggest anything. I tried to get him blood tests (low energy) took him to a psychologist for a few months then refused to go and missed appointments. he says that he doesn't want to talk about it because it upsets me but id rather know right? I'm really struggling with this i try so hard to help him but there is no effort from his side to help himself and no motivation. I feel really nasty writing all these negative things about him because he is such a kind loving person, but he is in a massive rut and I feel so useless and i don't want to give up on him but its taking such a massive toll on me and our relationship. I'm trying to lead this horse to water but he won't drink.

tiredarms At a crossroad.
  • replies: 3

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months. In that time he has experienced ever an increasing severity of depression, the likes of which I have never encountered before. He has had to move back home with his family in the country. He sits at home for ... View more

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months. In that time he has experienced ever an increasing severity of depression, the likes of which I have never encountered before. He has had to move back home with his family in the country. He sits at home for days on end because he's too exhausted to work or study. I am worried about his health near-constantly which is only aided by constant contact through text message because he can't express himself with any depth of feeling in speech. I have never known him without depression. What he is experiencing is something I would never wish upon any young person. I try my hardest to be supportive and an ear to listen to what he needs to talk about but it's exhausting trying to maintain the non-judgmental persona with no problems of my own and be another entity away from his family. He says there are no expectations, but if I do something outside of what he sees as helping him to get better, he shuts down and I feel anxious that this time might be the time I've said something so wrong that the next time I hear of him will be a call from the police. It's started that he will be angry with something I've said and I won't muster the caring necessary to smooth the situation down, because I know it will just happen again in a few days. I know he's exhausted, but so am I. The males of his family all have depression in their medical histories and there's no sign of it going away for any of them any time soon. I don't know whether to hang around and support him or to leave and protect my own mental health.

Cena23 Cannot abandon my wife BPD sufferer
  • replies: 7

Hello everybody, This is my first post and I just wanted to see if I could get some advice on the situation I find myself in. I have been with my wife for 5 years and in that time we have been through quite a lot together and a lot of it has to do wi... View more

Hello everybody, This is my first post and I just wanted to see if I could get some advice on the situation I find myself in. I have been with my wife for 5 years and in that time we have been through quite a lot together and a lot of it has to do with dealing with her depression. This is a task that I have never really struggled to stand up to because of my immense love for her and my desire to see her through. We had marital issues however I thought we could work through it. A few weeks ago she started displaying a total change in personality, she began drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, didn't want to spend time with me, took her wedding ring off, began speaking to another man at work and even while drunk made out with a lesbian girl from her work. She then told me that she didn't know what she wanted and wasn't sure if she loved me anymore. Since we have separated though she admits to not wanting to lose me and that i am her best friend and the only person who she has. My reaction and the way i have coped with all of this is certainly a roller coaster to say the least. I began to see a therapist as I knew for my own health and her own also to learn how to cope and was told that my wife meets all the requirements for BPD. I have my friends and family around me who do not understand and they are all convinced that my wife is "evil" "manipulative" and "selfish" but I know her better than any of them and I know that her recent behaviour is more her illness and not her. For the time being for my own health i have been told that i need to walk away and give her the space that she is asking for, which i am trying to do. Its hard because i can see her going down a very dark path and i am so concerned and worried about her. In the long term I cannot abandon her, she has been abandoned by every man in her life and I cannot do that to her. I know that this is a debilitating condition and i know that there are no quick fixes. I also know that I cannot be her saviour, but i want to learn more. All i have ever wanted to do was know and understand her better but everybody around me keeps wanting me to simply run for the hills. And I just can't. What has been the experience of others on here in terms of both sides of the coin. What is best for me to do for her in this time? Thank you for reading...