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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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flashi86 Girlfriend with depression has left me
  • replies: 2

Hi everybody! A few months ago my girlfriend (who suffers from depression and is currently on anti-depressional medication) left me after a year of being together. Throughout this time i knew from the beginning that she was diagnosed with clinical de... View more

Hi everybody! A few months ago my girlfriend (who suffers from depression and is currently on anti-depressional medication) left me after a year of being together. Throughout this time i knew from the beginning that she was diagnosed with clinical depression and that she was taking medication for it. I did my best to support her as much as possible. I surprised her with beautiful gifts aswell as sentimental presents to make her feel special. I would be by her side asap whenever she needed me and i never mistreated her in any way, shape or form. Before i started dating this individual I learnt of her dark past which mainly revolved around drugs and in the end led to her getting pregnant which futhermore resulted in her having an abortion. For a women to experience this must be very horrific..:( For most of the time that we were together we loved each other very deeply. Everything was going so well until she started getting severely depressed again...I'm not sure whether it was because maybe of her medication or the fact that at the time she begun smoking marijuana again...but things started to seem very very grime...It got to the point where she started distancing herself from me by not replying to my text messages or my phone calls, and when she did it was a very delayed response. All i wanted to do was be there by her side but she just distanced herself more and more which really impacted on me. When she finally ended things between us she seemed to be very frustrated and irritated/annoyed, which really scared me and made me insecure beyond belief. She kept telling me that it was all her fault and that things between us should end.. I decided to give her some space and after a couple of months when i couldn't handle it any long because i missed her so much I decided to contact her via facebook chat and we've been talking ever since. Even though we meet up for coffee every now & again its not the same. Its asif we hate each other....but at the same time it's asif we don't? Its very hard to explain. She's decided to slowly get off the medication because she's sick of having to rely on a pill to keep her mentally balanced. Hearing her say that really made me feel happy. If anybody has experienced this with a girlfriend or boyfriend it would help me alot reading your experiences and outcomes. My now 'ex' although we are broken up technically keeps giving me hints that she may be interested in my but i'm just very confused at this stage

BEANBAG Teenager in denial
  • replies: 7

We believe our son is depressed. He shows many of the symptoms. Unfortunately, a lot of the symptoms could easily be pushed aside as just being typical for an angry 17 year old. We have actually been told my 1 professional that what we are seeing is ... View more

We believe our son is depressed. He shows many of the symptoms. Unfortunately, a lot of the symptoms could easily be pushed aside as just being typical for an angry 17 year old. We have actually been told my 1 professional that what we are seeing is 'normal' behaviour. Our son is in his final year of school. He has no motivation to do anything (other than gaming and using social media) and no real idea about what he wants to do next year. It's looking highly unlikely that he will get into uni and he isn't doing anything towards getting a job. He has had 2 part-time jobs - in both cases he simply stopped turning up to do the shifts. He started to learn to drive and then gave up on that too. In the school holidays he stays in his bedroom most of the day (again, gaming etc) and doesn't have any close friends. In fact, he has had many friendship issues over the years. There are other things that have also happened to us as a family in the past that we know have had a negative impact on him...He is openly hostile to us pretty much constantly. We have tried to talk about how unhappy he seems, but he is just always angry with us and argues about everything. We have tried on many occasions over the past few years to get him to seek help / talk to a counseller but he is adamant that he will not speak to anyone. We have tried the 'gently, gently' approach and nothing is changing. He seems so stuck. Do we somehow try to force him (I don't mean physically) to see someone (e.g. withdraw his internet access until he sees someone)? It seems the only options we have are to try to force this to happen, or wait for him to slide further and further down? Do we have to just sit back and wait for something really terrible to happen?

kailey01 Mum with depression wont take her medication anymore help!
  • replies: 3

Hi my mum has had depression for as long as i can remember and she has always been on anti depressants which have helped make her into my beautiful bright and bubbly mum. Unfortunately they make her extremely drowsy and she is a night shift worker an... View more

Hi my mum has had depression for as long as i can remember and she has always been on anti depressants which have helped make her into my beautiful bright and bubbly mum. Unfortunately they make her extremely drowsy and she is a night shift worker and is tired enough and she was over this so she decided to just stop taking them. Since then she hasn't been the fun, hilarious loving mum i know, she is constantly stressed and angry and says horrible things, none of my family can get along with her. I tried to get her back on them, we all have and are trying to support her but we don't know what to do. I just want my mum back.

John11 Need help .. getting frustrated ;-;
  • replies: 15

Hi, Here's the thing .. I've met this girl online few month ago .. We started dating few weeks after we met .. It was great had soo much fun everyday although we don't Skype much but we still do sometimes anyways lately it hasn't been the case she's ... View more

Hi, Here's the thing .. I've met this girl online few month ago .. We started dating few weeks after we met .. It was great had soo much fun everyday although we don't Skype much but we still do sometimes anyways lately it hasn't been the case she's gets super sad a lot nothing I say or do would actually make her better and then she told me that she was diagnosed with depression when she was 13 (17 now) it's weird for me although I have a few friends that suffered from depression but I never was that close to them when they did and the thing is its starting to effect me she gets really weird and kinda meanie when she's sad and I honestly don't know what to do she lives thousands of miles away and I tried to convince her to go to therapy or actually take meds she completely refuses it .. I love her I truly do but I feel bad about myself cause I can't help her and I want to see her happy again like she was ;-; I'm always with her by texting like always and I don't even know if that's the right thing to do or should I leave her alone sometimes.. and I always remind her that I love her and that I'm here for her and that it's gonna get better but it's like she doesn't believe any of it .. anyways I'm sorry the post is probably really distorted since my thoughts are distorted and I hope someone can help me with this

J-Rose New and Completely lost right now...
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, So my husband is currently studying to become an Air Traffic Controller. The job itself is insanely stressful, and the training is worse. My husband has always had a bit of a short temper, but now it is affecting his ability to train pro... View more

Hi everyone, So my husband is currently studying to become an Air Traffic Controller. The job itself is insanely stressful, and the training is worse. My husband has always had a bit of a short temper, but now it is affecting his ability to train properly, and he has snapped at his instructors earning him a demerit. This job is our future, we wont be able to afford our own house or have kids, as my wage isn't nearly enough. That pressure is getting too him, he has worked at this for nearly a year and tried so hard and he is still not getting any better with his temper. This knowledge as well as the fact he has put on quite a bit of weight recently is causing him depression. He is just angry all day, and when he isn't angry he is sad and withdrawn. He went through something similar a few months back, and he then blamed me for not helping him through it enough, and he felt that he had to pull himself out of it without my help. That was just a massive slap to the face, he never wanted to talk about anything or do anything, I did try but apparently it wasn't enough. I am just at a loss. Every time I suggest going to see someone professionally he shoots it down because he thinks all psychologists are 'more messed up than him' and we wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. I don't know how to help him, and I don't want him to feel abandoned like last time, but every time I try to suggest doing anything he enjoys I get shot down. Every time I come home it's just sullen silence and I feel the weight of the blame on my shoulders for not helping him enough, even though I honest to god don't know how. I just feel really lonely and tired of feeling guilty all the time, then I feel guilty about feeling awful because he is the one going through hell. I honestly don't know where to turn, and I guess I'm just after some suggestion as to what I can do to help him. Thanks,

Sandford My wife isn't coping with our 3 year old
  • replies: 3

So my situation is this. We have a 3 year old boy who is starting to do what 3 year olds do. Won't listen, very independent etc.My wife has been diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder, she is a stay at home mum,. Has taken medication in the past b... View more

So my situation is this. We have a 3 year old boy who is starting to do what 3 year olds do. Won't listen, very independent etc.My wife has been diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder, she is a stay at home mum,. Has taken medication in the past but didn't like it as it made her very sleepy. Has been to counselling but really didn't seem to find any benefit as she was told things about her condition that she already knew within herself and didn't learn any coping methods that worked. They almost frustrated her more.She rings me at work in tears saying 'I can't cope with him' she is really struggling to discipline him and so he is winning every battle. This morning she called me eating toast in the bathroom as this is her only way of coping with one of their battles. She will often hide away to calm down so he doesn't see her upset. He is growing in confidence with regard to doing as he pleases . We try the naughty mat procedure but she can't follow it through because of the fight that he puts up. She is a perfectionist with a reasonable amount of OCD, so any 'mess' frustrates her which leads her to ask him to clean up, he says no, a fight starts and the process begins again. The OCD is significant, she can come home from a day out and as soon as she walks in the door, will walk straight to the ONLY object that is out of place and fix it to how it SHOULD be. I can deal with this and have done for 12 years. This isn't so much a problem but a description of her personality.My issues are that I'm worried that our son isn't being disciplined. He has issues with hitting/sharing etc ( I know all kids do) but I don't think that she can discipline him to stop doing it. When I'm home I try to do things I know he needs, but when he fights back I get things like 'see, he just won't do it". I know she wants to be a good parent but I scared that she just doesn't have the strength to take the hard road. Most battles between them end with her in tears, I come home to a house full of stress.Just now while typing this I've had another call to speak to him about his behaviour, she just can't force herself to discipline him and he knows it. If he has a tantrum in public she rings me in tears, saying how naughty he is, but then does nothing about it.I am besides myself because she is just so unhappy/stressed and I have no answers on how to help. I can't make their time together better. I can't make her stronger, I can't help her to cope. What can I do?

CatCat Boyfriend with depression anxiety & addictions
  • replies: 4

This is my first post about my boyfriend. I've been to this site so many times and read threads to see how others are supporting their loved ones, but i need to get my own thoughts out there as i dont have anyone i can talk to. I'm struggling with my... View more

This is my first post about my boyfriend. I've been to this site so many times and read threads to see how others are supporting their loved ones, but i need to get my own thoughts out there as i dont have anyone i can talk to. I'm struggling with my BF. We've just finished a three hour discussion that just went around in circles and i really dont know if i can take much more. Its always the same thing - no one is there, loneliness, everyone's judging him, feels left out when he doesnt come to social events, feels pressure when asked to come out. He won't acknowledge or accept my bad life experiences as valid because his are so much worse. He wont listen to ideas on steps to take to get better, and always sees the worst case scenarios and there is always multiple excuses for not trying to seek help. The worst part is when i feel like we have gotten somewhere or he has moments where i can see he sees me as someone on his side.... then i see his brain ticking over and all of a sudden he turns on me again, and he starts repeating the negitive thoughts again. He works 6 days a week in a high pressure job, but when at home he rarely helps out. If i am cleaning he gets upset and says i make him feel guilty thats hes not helping. Sometimes i do get frustrated and its obvious, so i'm not helping things there. He has been to a GP who referred him to see a psychologist (hes actually tried 3 different ones) but feels they dont get him, cant help and even said one of them told him he was 'too hard to deal with'. He doesnt want to find the right person for his situation and feels they all judge him when he tells them he is addicted to pot. Hes on anxiety meds, but alcohol doesnt let the pills work properly. Hes been diagnosed with severe depression. He was verbally emotionally and physically abused as a child. I know its going to be a long path to recovery, but if he doesnt want to take any steps in the right direction then nothing will change or get worse. I dont know if i can take much more but i dont think i could live happily after abandoning him. I love him, and there is an amazing loving guy inside( who has rescued stray cats from abandoned warehouses). i think he could finally lead the safe love filled life he never had as a child or young adult if i can help him in the right direction. Thanks in advance for any advice.

Leetherese after 7 years sober my sister starts
  • replies: 5

where to start !! i guess i'm om here because it's easier to write thinking no one is there but still hoping you are listening. I'm 7 yrs sober and very proud of it I have challenged depression self harm and suicide last year with my then 13 yr old d... View more

where to start !! i guess i'm om here because it's easier to write thinking no one is there but still hoping you are listening. I'm 7 yrs sober and very proud of it I have challenged depression self harm and suicide last year with my then 13 yr old daughter, She couldn't attend school or go out socialising with friends or even have 1 friend sleep over. She was always watching out for me when i was drunk and making sure i was okay. Now she cant go out or socialise but we are getting through it she is back at school this year and thriving. Until my sister starts to show all signs of be an alcoholic. Her partner left when her second child was born 2 weeks after actually. That child is now just over two yrs old and she is a full blown drinker and we have just been told she is taking drugs aswell. i tried to talk to her as it is affecting my daughters progress with self harm and anxiety attacks. But she didnt care and now we arent talking I NEED some advice i want to help her but she keeps on and does not care please any advice is welcome

norascat New to this - learning how get him through
  • replies: 5

Hello New to this forum. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months. We are very close and he was open from the beginning about his depression and anxiety battles in the past, but when I met him he was getting over the worst of it (after 2 prett... View more

Hello New to this forum. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months. We are very close and he was open from the beginning about his depression and anxiety battles in the past, but when I met him he was getting over the worst of it (after 2 pretty dark years from what I understand). In the past few weeks he's become increasingly depressed and anxious. Not leaving the house hardly. Although on days when I'm with him, he has been almost fine - but that has deteriorated by now too. There are days he's better, but he's been mainly down. His energy levels are super low, and his sex drive is gone. I want to help, and not be patronising. He's on medication, and I think he's had therapy in the past, but not in the past 12 months. Perhaps he needs to up the meds again, as his dose was lowered a few months ago. I want to try and get him to exercise - as I know that could be a massive help. But again, I'm careful of not bing pushy or patronising - as he is fully aware that it would help. I'm trying to learn as much as possible to support him through this. So any advice from others that have been with someone with depression or anxiety for a longer time than me, would be great. I love him, and want to support him to get through this. At the same time, I know that i's never going to really go away. thanks N

Loulabell Trying to support boyfriend
  • replies: 2

Hey Everyone, So I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 18 months now. Since I’ve been with him he is generally a happy, loving and great guy to be with. I have never felt more special since I’ve been with him. However, since I’ve known him, I know th... View more

Hey Everyone, So I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 18 months now. Since I’ve been with him he is generally a happy, loving and great guy to be with. I have never felt more special since I’ve been with him. However, since I’ve known him, I know that he also has a lot of issues he’s dealing with (His upbringing, family, work, sense of identity etc). I think he’s been diagnosed with anxiety years ago and maybe depression (he has spoken to psychologists etc years ago). Since we’ve been together he has had two panic attacks and a few near panic attacks where I’ve managed to calm him down. Since his last panic attack, he agreed to see a psychologist which is great. However, the past few weeks have been incredibly hard, a death of a new friend, and a few new general life stressors. Also, this year he has taken on a family member living at his house that battles their own issues and this is just adding to everything else. My concerns now are that although he loves me being around all the time, and as his psychologist says “I’m his medicine” but I feel like I’m only that and any of my feelings or needs are not important. I do understand people living with depression don’t always mean to make their carers feel this way and they do appreciate our support, but lately I’ve found it so hard. It’s like he’s gotten what he needed out of me for the days and that’s it. I don’t even live with him yet and I find myself doing the majority of the housework because he just leaves everything everywhere and I can’t stand it. I know people with depression find this job difficult and that’s why I have been doing it. I know I sound selfish but I just feel like my feelings don’t matter. My friends can see this too and have confronted me about this but they don’t understand as much as I do the deepness of why he acts this way and I know it’s not on purpose. I just feel like I can’t even go to these friends now because they are just judging him on his actions and don’t understand the full story. What do I do? Do I just keep supporting him and wait a while seeing as he is going to a psychologist now? I’ve already told him that I don’t think he’s understanding how I feel in all this and he said we will get through it and that he is sorry, but nothing’s changed yet. The majority of our relationship is great and this only happens once in a while, but at the moment his depression has taken over. Thanks everyone. X