Teenager in denial

BEANBAG · ‎27-08-2014

We believe our son is depressed. He shows many of the symptoms. Unfortunately, a lot of the symptoms could easily be pushed aside as just being typical for an angry 17 year old. We have actually been told my 1 professional that what we are seeing is 'normal' behaviour.

Our son is in his final year of school. He has no motivation to do anything (other than gaming and using social media) and no real idea about what he wants to do next year. It's looking highly unlikely that he will get into uni and he isn't doing anything towards getting a job. He has had 2 part-time jobs - in both cases he simply stopped turning up to do the shifts. He started to learn to drive and then gave up on that too. In the school holidays he stays in his bedroom most of the day (again, gaming etc) and doesn't have any close friends. In fact, he has had many friendship issues over the years. There are other things that have also happened to us as a family in the past that we know have had a negative impact on him...He is openly hostile to us pretty much constantly.

We have tried to talk about how unhappy he seems, but he is just always angry with us and argues about everything. We have tried on many occasions over the past few years to get him to seek help / talk to a counseller but he is adamant that he will not speak to anyone.

We have tried the 'gently, gently' approach and nothing is changing. He seems so stuck.

Do we somehow try to force him (I don't mean physically) to see someone (e.g. withdraw his internet access until he sees someone)?

It seems the only options we have are to try to force this to happen, or wait for him to slide further and further down? Do we have to just sit back and wait for something really terrible to happen?

SubduedBlues · ‎28-08-2014

Hi Beanbag, welcome to the BB forums.

I was hoping that someone else would respond to your query first, as what I have to say probably isn't what you want to hear.

Over the years I've met a lot of parents who did everything for their kids. The kids were never required to do "chores", or were sent to bed without supper for not doing their chores. Kids that watched TV or played games immediately after school. Got free pocket money; just because. And the parents did everything for their kids, never forcing them to do anything difficult or undesirable. They wanted to be the "nice" or "fun" parents.

Their kids were deprived of their necessary life skills of self motivation, self discipline, how to save and the value of a dollar. The parents just guessed that their kids would somehow magically acquire these skills when they turned 18. The parents were too lazy to teach their children.

Eventually when they realised that their kids were not "growing up" and becoming the responsible adults they had expected them to magically become, they thought 'there has to be something wrong with our child,' never did they ever consider that their children had become the harvest of the seeds they themselves had sown.

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Trying to convince your son, now, that he has a problem. Well that just isn't going to work. Likely you will just alienate him, and get him to withdraw from you further.

Look, he wants to be an adult -- so treat like an adult. And that means everything that goes with being an adult. He pays for his own phone. He pays for his own Internet. If he can't afford the phone or Internet service, he doesn't have any. You may drive him to/from school, to/from work or help him finish his driver's ed, but otherwise he's on public transport. He needs to develop his own motivations, on his own. And he won't develop them if you keep doing everything for him.

That's my parental advice.

D'

ps: I have 4 kids over the age of 16.

AGrace · ‎28-08-2014

Hi Beanbag,

Reading your post it's difficult to determine whether there's evidence of mental ill health or just typical contemporary teenage behaviour.

You certainly can't force him to seek professional help, however letting him know that this is always an option that you would support is helpful.

I'm only 34, and don't have any children of my own, but I do recall what it was like being a teenager in my household. I know D'jected has mentioned that you may not like some of his comments, but I'm incline to agree with the notion of treating him like an adult. I know from the age of 14 I had to buy everything I needed, toiletries, outings with friends, contributing to phone bills, petrol, my own car, pay for my driver's license, school lunches if I wanted to order from the canteen etc. So it meant I had to work part time after school and on the weekends.

My parents had a saying "If you want to live under our roof then you have to follow our rules." It might sound cruel in today's generation but it was all about life skills that I'm now happy to have.

I'd definitely cease paying for internet access and mobile phone usage, these are luxuries and at the moment it sounds like through gaming they are being abused.

We also had to partake in at least one extra curricular activity, music, sports etc.

Beyondblue has some great resources for teenagers, you may even like to suggest that he take a look.

Let us know how you get on, I can imagine your concern.

AGrace

BEANBAG · ‎29-08-2014

Thank you for your replies D'jected and AGrace.

I think there may be some assumptions being made. We do not pay for our son's mobile phone and we've always made our children do chores around the house. (These were not tied in with receiving pocket money. They just had to do them). We have never been helicopter parents who do everything for their kids. In fact, many outsiders over the years have felt that we have been exponents of "tough love". Unlike MANY parents we know.

I'm not sure how one organises for our son to pay for his own internet when we live in the 1 house and my husband and I need to use the internet all the time for work. How would that get separated out?

We rarely drive him to school and most of his travelling is done on the train. He rarely goes out (so doesn't need much money) and, as I said, doesn't have many friends to be doing things with.....

Beanbag

AGrace · ‎29-08-2014

Hi Beanbag,

I apologise for any assumptions made. It wasn't my intention to come across as thought you were letting your son get away with everything, I'm sorry to have made you feel this way. I can just imagine how difficult it would be to parent a child, and I have no doubt that you would be making decisions with his best interest at heart.

I guess in terms of the internet, perhaps he contributes to the bill? Maybe he pays 1/4 of the cost if he wants to use the internet?

What has been your direction in terms of his schooling? Is his attendance mandatory? Is there an expectation set that if he doesn't get into TAFE or UNI that he must get a job while he is living with you? Perhaps he needs to still pick on extra curricular activity to do each week?

Have you tried speaking to your GP about his behaviour?

Perhaps you do go down the path of taking away his access to a computer, or video games until he chooses to get some professional support? Maybe there's even a curfew with internet access after a particular time of night?

Does he make friends in the gaming world online?

I guess we can only make suggestions, and by no means are we in your shoes. Once again I apologise for the impression given in my reply.

AGrace

SubduedBlues · ‎29-08-2014

Hi Beanbag

Firstly: I guess I did make an unwarranted assumption or two, apologies if I upset you - it was not my intention.

Onto the internet question: depending on how tech savvy you are. Many up to date wireless routers, particularly in the n-band and 1200 to 1800 mbit hi-def range, allow the administrator to throttle or limit bandwidth consumption for a given connected device as identified by its IP or MAC address. Worse-comes-to-worse, even the older routers allow the administrator to block or disable access to a given MAC address device.

If none of this makes any sense to you, go into your local JB HiFi, Dick Smith or Harvey Norman store, usually they have some techno nerd that really understand this stuff and can explain it to you.

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Try putting a sticky note on the fridge with just the website address of biteback.org.au written upon it; or reach.org.au nothing else. Maybe he'll go and look at the sites to find out what they are.

You can lead a horse to water....

Or you can provide just enough information to allow them to wonder.

D'

Sea-n-sky · ‎31-08-2014

Hi,

I like the strategy just suggested by D'jected.

I reckon it's true, you can lead a horse to the water...............................

I feel it's a pity that your son hasn't joined our forums - it might do him good if he did.

Anyhow I am sure beanbag is right in concluding the young lad is depressed - a depression, at least in part, caused by the internet - I bet.

Rgds,

Sea-n-sky

My_boy · ‎14-09-2014

Hi beanbag. I'm a dad of a 16 year old boy who is going through similar issues and exhibiting similar behaviours but without the anger component. First and sorry to the other posters whom I have a lot of respect for, but the advice to take away his internet is a terrible one. In the current situation that will only deepen his anger with both of you and make him even more unreachable.

My son uses the internet n music as distractions from his depression. Am I happy with that - no, not really, but right now if it helps to distract him from the deep blues and unhealthy thoughts while we work on the core issues that's a compromise we are willing to make.

Sorry to bring this up but you mentioned something happened in the family that affected him a lot. Could you share what that was? If it's an unresolved, family issue - and many families have those - how did it affect your son? Has it been discussed openly? What is your spouses thoughts on your sons situation? What have they tried so far?

I have a few ideas about how you might get him to agree to see a counsellor but I'll wait to hear back from you first so we all can get a better picture of your situation n then offer possible options.

take care