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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Valley Friend with depression
  • replies: 4

I don’t know if it’s right for me to discuss my friend’s problem here, but I am thinking it won’t do any harm if I can get some advice on how to help her. She is suffering from depression, and it has been an on and off thing since her husband, whom I... View more

I don’t know if it’s right for me to discuss my friend’s problem here, but I am thinking it won’t do any harm if I can get some advice on how to help her. She is suffering from depression, and it has been an on and off thing since her husband, whom I think is a dipstick anyway, left her. Right now, she is at her lowest, and she wouldn’t even want to see me or any of our other friends. The last time I went to visit her, which was several days ago, she met me at the door and did not let me in. Our friends tell me to give her space, but I can see desperation in her eyes, and I can’t just let it go. Can someone tell me what I should do?

Renz2014 Undiagnosed partner who refuses to seek help
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, I'm new to beyond blue but it's lovely to see so much support in this community. I have a partner who I believe has depression. He goes through periods of extreme apathy, when he's not even motivated enough to get out of bed for days at ... View more

Hi everyone, I'm new to beyond blue but it's lovely to see so much support in this community. I have a partner who I believe has depression. He goes through periods of extreme apathy, when he's not even motivated enough to get out of bed for days at a time, let alone eat or go to work. Even on his best days he struggles to plan for the future, even just a few days ahead. I've been trying for many years to get him to seek professional help. He acknowledges that he probably does have depression but says he doesn't feel he needs or wants professional help. He says that being depressed and apathetic is valid lifestyle, that this is who he is and I shouldn't seek to change him. I think part of the reason he says that is that he wants an excuse not to have to seek help because he's not motivated enough to do so as a result of his depression. So it's this horrible cycle that feeds itself and prevents him from ever being motivated enough to seek help. He has a strong support network of friends and family, and some of our friends have experienced depression and are receiving treatment. We all talk about it openly so i don't think he would feel any shame in seeking treatment, I think it's just that he doesn't care enough. I've seen how helpful treatment can be by talking to these friends and I really want that for him. I have no idea how to motivate him to seek help. I've tried everything I can think of. He's getting worse in that his lowest points are getting lower, and he's recently lost his job because he couldn't motivate himself to get out of bed. I just want to help him. Can anyone suggest something for us?

Charliebear Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!
  • replies: 55

I found out late last year that my husband is suffering from depression. He had worked himself into the ground and after convincing him to go to a counsellor his issues were brought right back to his parents splitting up when he was two. Another big ... View more

I found out late last year that my husband is suffering from depression. He had worked himself into the ground and after convincing him to go to a counsellor his issues were brought right back to his parents splitting up when he was two. Another big issue which devastated me was he didn't know if he wanted to be in this marriage and thought that my son and I would be better off without him. He also went onto medication. After a lot of hard work we thought we were back on track and after struggling to fall pregnant for our second child we were successful with ivf. And yes struggling to fall pregnant again put pressure on him too. We were happy well I thought we were anyway. He has suffered another set back and didn't want to tell me cause he said he was protecting me and the health of our baby. But he lied to me about his whereabouts etc and I have been supportive and here with open heart so he can be honest with me. I feel so unloved and unwanted. There is no affection. We tell each other we love each other every day and he hasn't said it for a week now. His back to the counsellor and I am going to go separately too and request joint sessions. But I feel selfish cause I can't keep having to deal with him wondering if he loves me or not. I know it's the depression and I should be the supportive wife. Through sickness and health as they say. But my heart is breaking and I feel like my world is blowing up in my face. I'm struggling to be strong. I can't stop crying. Are there any support groups for carers? I'm so lost.

norascat Small gift ideas to send in the mail
  • replies: 2

Hi I'm looking for ideas of small things to send in the post from time to time as usually I can only make it to see my boyfriend at the weekend due to working away a bit and living half an hour drive away. I try and send small items such as little ca... View more

Hi I'm looking for ideas of small things to send in the post from time to time as usually I can only make it to see my boyfriend at the weekend due to working away a bit and living half an hour drive away. I try and send small items such as little cards with messages, chocolate etc from time to time. Anyone have any good ideas of gifts or other gestures? I know that it's not going to make a big difference, but it's something to try! x

Saska How do I respond to............
  • replies: 5

Hi All I am trying to support a few friends with depression. One friend in particular is very special to me and is going through a huge rough patch. How do I respond to him: * Pushing me away? Is this a common trait of people with severe depression? ... View more

Hi All I am trying to support a few friends with depression. One friend in particular is very special to me and is going through a huge rough patch. How do I respond to him: * Pushing me away? Is this a common trait of people with severe depression? * Saying things like " I am struggling right now but you don't need to know about that" ...... How do I say that I do want to know about it and I am more than willing to listen and support him without sounding patronizing? He doesn't seem to believe it is possible for someone to care. Thank you Saska

Brendy Need advice on helping brother who seems depressed due to unemployment
  • replies: 9

Hi all, I was just wondering if anyone out there had advice on helping siblings on their path to recovery with depression. My brother has been unemployed on/off for about 8 years and I've noticed he may be showing signs of depression. It's hard to te... View more

Hi all, I was just wondering if anyone out there had advice on helping siblings on their path to recovery with depression. My brother has been unemployed on/off for about 8 years and I've noticed he may be showing signs of depression. It's hard to tell because he is a shy, introverted and slightly awkward guy. I am most certain that his depression is due to unemployment but I never know because of his personality. Just a bit of background information, our family is Chinese,and in Chinese culture, the oldest child is mostly seen as the leading pride and joy of the family. The fact that he is unemployed, he constantly faces pressures from my parents for him to find a job. Due to his unemployment, he has become a bit of a black sheep of the family. Our family, though we get along, we don't talk about problems - which I think this is a very Chinese mentality. Does anyone have advice on how to approach a sibling about his depression? Is it merely a case of simply embracing the awkward truth and asking him straight out 'Are you depressed?' (I'm worried this will have a denial effect when he answers). Additionally, if anyone from Asian families can share their stories that would also be much appreciated! Thanks,

Maj1958 Crying while I write this, desperate to help my daughter.
  • replies: 5

My 29 year old daughter has been suffering anxiety/depression for some time now. She is married with z3 young children. She has been going to a doctor in a medical centre who has just been handing her pills, most of which have caused side effects (na... View more

My 29 year old daughter has been suffering anxiety/depression for some time now. She is married with z3 young children. She has been going to a doctor in a medical centre who has just been handing her pills, most of which have caused side effects (nausea, loss of appetite, rash, sleep problems etc) her meds were changed 3 weeks ago . Last Friday we got an urgent call from her, she lives over an hour away so it took my husband a while to get there. By the time he arrived she was in a really bad way. Suicidal thoughts, not making any sense etc, it was absolutely terrifying. I was able to get her an emergency appointment at a GP, not her usual doctor. My husband went with her. This doctor was very dismissive and said she was just depressed and that the meds could not cause these side effects (even though there is a clear warning on the packaging). He looked at his watch, handed her a checklist and told her to go home and complete it! It was only after they left that my daughter disclosed to my husband that she had taken too many. Since then it has been a roller coaster of emotions! Her husband took her to their local hospital who took bloods and put a drip in then transferred her to a major hospital in a nearby town. She was discharged at 3am in the morning with the promise of a follow-up visit to their home today by someone from the mental health team. This person who came out had not even read her file and just told her to go back to the medical centre for review! She is in a really bad way and I do not know what to do! It is breaking my heart. Her children are feeling it and her husband doesn't know what else to do to help. I think he is at the stage of taking her back to hospital and having her admitted to the psychiatric (his words) hospital. I do not know what to do or who to turn to for her. There does not seem to be any sort of coordinated health services available to her. Any advise would be so gratefully appreciated.

Shez89 Loved one going through depression
  • replies: 5

Hey guys, Im new to this forum and need help! I have seeked a psychologist just so I can understand more about depression. My Fiance is going through depression.. He was diagnosed last year, but its only gotten serious the last couple of weeks.. To c... View more

Hey guys, Im new to this forum and need help! I have seeked a psychologist just so I can understand more about depression. My Fiance is going through depression.. He was diagnosed last year, but its only gotten serious the last couple of weeks.. To cut the long story short, he has lost 3 people in his family (one bro, mother, and birth mother) in the last year and a half. The latest one being 3 weeks ago.. he had a car accident 3-4 yrs ago, which has left his back stuffed for good and has been told recently he needs surgery done.. plus we are planning our wedding which is supposed to be this November. Last week he told me he wanted to be alone.. he didnt feel anything for me (after 9 yrs), and doesnt feel anything for the wedding.. then the next day tells me im still his fiance and that he doesnt want me to cancel anything... He has been staying with his brother since last week, (hasnt been taking his medication).. he doesnt want me to contact him, but leave him alone. I saw him once only on the weekend to hang out, and he told me he has already wanted to commit suicide.. this has left me so worried, that the next day I texted him just to make sure he is ok and alive.. but he got annoyed at me for texting and calling him... I dont know what to do.. I cry everyday.. I dont feel like eating.. I dont want to do anything! All I do is think about him and if he is alive and ok.... I want to contact him but I dont want to push him away. What do I do?

Fletch74 Negative Partner who is closed minded
  • replies: 9

Hi All, Thank you for reading my post as I am new to the forum. My wife has depression, probably Post-Natal. She acknowledges it, she has decided to take some medication, but won't go and get help as she doesn't think she needs it. I personally think... View more

Hi All, Thank you for reading my post as I am new to the forum. My wife has depression, probably Post-Natal. She acknowledges it, she has decided to take some medication, but won't go and get help as she doesn't think she needs it. I personally think she is afraid to open up wounds and get hurt. She also has had Ante-Natal depression and got help from someone prior to having our 2nd child. She absolutely loved seeing her as she was able to get many things off her chest, but won't go down that track now. She always finds excuses for why she shouldn't go there. My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years. We both come from Unstable upbringings, but her's more so, her Father also suffers from depression and is a very anxious person who always worries about the most minute things. This has rubbed off on her. I was not spoken to last night as we're visiting my parents tonight, and staying over. My wife is working today and asked if perhaps we could go on Sunday morning as the last thing she wants to is have to get things ready when she gets home from work to go out. I have complete understanding, but knowing that my parents haven't seen our children for over 2 months I try and understand their point too. So I offered to help get things ready before she got home, only to be ignored for the remainder of the night and this morning as I have not understood her situation. I try and get her to see the positives from this, like she will be able to relax and not have to worry about dinner, or lunch the next day. The above is an ongoing issue, as she can only ever see the negative in a situation, and if I try and point out the positive, or an opportunity that might arise from the situation, I will often get shot down. My wife is very closed minded and finds it hard to overcome things. It can often take 2-3 days before she lets things go, and they can be very minor. This definitely comes from her upbringing. She has mentioned suicide before as well, but the kids often prevent that. I've tried to be positive right throughout this and have always been there if she's needed to vent anything, but often the moment I try and say it's not like that, maybe it's this, I'll get shot down. She knows everything basically. She doesn't want anyone of her friends or family to know she has depression either, which makes it very hard. As a result, I am at a point where I don't know where to turn because it's rubbing off on me and changing my moods too.

daisydior Not sure how much more I can take!
  • replies: 4

My partner has Bi Polar . We have an 18 month old and I have 2 boys from my previous relationship. Im not even sure if he's even taking his medication still. 2 weeks ago, he came home after taking our daughter out to get new shoes at my request. I wa... View more

My partner has Bi Polar . We have an 18 month old and I have 2 boys from my previous relationship. Im not even sure if he's even taking his medication still. 2 weeks ago, he came home after taking our daughter out to get new shoes at my request. I wasn't keen on his shoe purchase, considering he doesn't have an issue with putting large amounts of cash in a pokie machine or a problem getting cannabis Out of the blue he says to me maybe you should pay half the rent. I stay calm and say okay. He goes to our room takes some clothes, comes out and yells at me, swearing at me, how I really need to get some serious help. Im still calm .He was muttering something to me and I said well just pack your stuff and go. He then took my car key off my set of keys. Our daughter followed him out to the car as she usually does and he'll bring her back and say good bye to her. This day, he takes her with him. He didn't even come tell me that he has her. She has no formula, nappies,clothes. Nothing.. In the morning (Mon) I messaged him and said 'Make sure you give Z breakfast'. About 9:30 he messages me asking what time would I like her home. I said before 2pm.He drops her off at 11 and knocks on the door and she's still in the same clothes. , I almost forget to ask him to get the pram out of the car so I can walk to school to get the kids .He drives off even after asking about the pram. I call him and he says he'll come back that night to drop it off. It isn't any help to me then.He comes back at 7:30pm 'Can you please open the garage I'll get the pram out for you'. I informed him that I have packed his stuff up for him he can take what he wishes from the inside also. I ask for the garage remote. He says 'No'. So, he has had no contact with us since monday and that was only about the rent that he isn't going to pay.He hasn't even asked to see how his daughter is which I just can't understand. Last time,he left no money not even for formula, didn't pay rent, NOTHING. So, this time I was prepared and have savings. But, Im sick and tired of living like this. All he does is eat, sleep, watch dvdd in bed, gets home late after he's worked late, but I know he goes to the pub for a drink and a play of the pokies no doubt. I love him , but hate him at the same time right now. I feel for him. But as a mother I need to protect my children and myself.He has said in the past that he doesn't want to change and I shouldn't make him. I suppose that's my answer.