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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Rainbow1 Helping from afar
  • replies: 1

I'm currently overseas, visiting my family. I return to Australia tomorrow, and last night my mother informs me she is concerned about my younger brother, who she says has had suicidal thoughts. As the older sister, I feel like I want to do something... View more

I'm currently overseas, visiting my family. I return to Australia tomorrow, and last night my mother informs me she is concerned about my younger brother, who she says has had suicidal thoughts. As the older sister, I feel like I want to do something to help, but not sure how to, as my visit ends soon. He is a very private person, and is not one to delve into his thoughts/feelings with anyone. I did today send him an email saying that I've noticed he's quiet, and he replied that things aren't going well. I asked if I can help in any way. Believe me, this is a pretty big step, as he really isn't one to tell family how he's going. Perhaps he feels "safer" emailing, rather than face to face. Hopefully this dialogue can continue. I also want to give some guidance to my elderly parents, who are probably coping with this on a daily basis, but perhaps haven't wanted to burden me as I live halfway around the world. If anyone has suggestions on how to help my brother and my parents, I'd love to hear. Many thanks.

Conlainza New here...desperate for help
  • replies: 3

I have been married to my husband for 13 years and we have three young children. He has suffered from depression and anxiety in varying degrees over the years and has been in counseling on and off and and meds the whole time. We have always dealt wit... View more

I have been married to my husband for 13 years and we have three young children. He has suffered from depression and anxiety in varying degrees over the years and has been in counseling on and off and and meds the whole time. We have always dealt with it, although it has always been an ever present issue. My husband has been seeing a counselor consistently for 2 years now and followed by a psychiatrist who manages his one daily medication and one PRN med. In April he had a sudden onset of a severe depressive episode,so bad, he had to go out of work for 6 weeks. He started a new med in addition to his daily one and there was a big difference, he was better than ever! Returned to work, truly was dong better than he had in years, that lasted 3 weeks, when anxiety hit out of no where, it has gotten progressively worse over the past 14 days and is now morphed into a full blown depression. They upped the additional med last week, but so far, no change. He is actively seeing both the counselor and the psychiatrist still. The issue is that I have had it....I am absolutely and totally exhausted from this. All I have been asking is that he communicate with me, tell me what he is able to do, let me know how it is going, etc. I don't know how to live with him any longer. I know this is a sickness l but I am basically living the life of a single mom. How am I supposed to go on? We even have help from family, but nothing replaces the marriage relationship of course. I feel bad wanting him to go stay with his parents but I can't handle the stress of not knowing how he will be and what he will or will not be able to do from moment to moment. I mean, what am I expected to do? This has been devastating for me and he not even once acts like I matter. I know he is in over his head with the depression,but am I supposed to just be a single mom and know that at any moment my husband may or may not "show up"? How long will his job allow this anyway? He was only back art work about a month and now he is taking another leave!.? I stay home with the kids, what if he gets fired? Ugh. Just don't know what to do.

englishrose Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
  • replies: 4

Hi, I am really stuck. My husband has depression and anxiety {Work place related} and with the advice of friends and a psychologist he went up to Queensland with the idea that I would follow with the children at the end of the year. The reason for th... View more

Hi, I am really stuck. My husband has depression and anxiety {Work place related} and with the advice of friends and a psychologist he went up to Queensland with the idea that I would follow with the children at the end of the year. The reason for this was Queensland is sunny and warmer which would help in his healing and it became really hard for him to live where we are living because his workplace is just down the road. Since then it became obvious our fifteen year old son was also suffering from depression and anxiety as well, and with this was self harm and now he is suicidal, he is seeing a psychologist and we have everything in place for his safety. During one of his therapy appointments it became obvious that our son didn't want to move anymore and the reason for this is because we have moved at least eight times in the last thirteen years and he has gone to four different schools. He said he would be happy to live with a friend down here if it became necessary for us to move up there. When I explained this to my husband he told me there was no way that he was going to leave our son down here or live in Victoria and we will have to talk him around. I really don't know what to put anymore pressure on our son or leave him with somebody else. I'm worried it may add more problems onto an already anxious and depressed young man, but I also don't want to live apart from my husband for longer than I have to. He tells me we have to stop allowing people to control our lives and yet he is up there listening to a friend's advice and telling me that I have to go through his brother and friend in relation to anything about moving up there. I'm not married to our friend and his brother, I'm married to my husband. I know he is unable to think things through rationally but I'm close to the end of my tether as I have spent the last two years trying to prevent a member of my family from ending their life. My oldest daughter has come through the other side of depression and anxiety is feeling down herself and I'm worried she is going to slip back into depression. I don't want our family split and I don't want to separate from my husband but the welfare of all our children is important. I can understand him finding living near the work place stressful but surely another part of Victoria wouldn't harm him. Does anybody have any ideas in how I can somehow get a compromise in this situation because I just don't know?

Sundari Supporting a family member with Depression & Anxiety
  • replies: 5

Dear All, I have joined this site in the hope that I find other people who are dealing with loved ones with depression and anxiety. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. In that time, we've had a lot of issues to overcome. He lost hi... View more

Dear All, I have joined this site in the hope that I find other people who are dealing with loved ones with depression and anxiety. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. In that time, we've had a lot of issues to overcome. He lost his mother early into our relationship which we have worked through together. Then in the last 10 months we've been through various tests and have uncovered my husband is infertile. The combination of these two significant life challenges are difficult for anyone to deal with however I came to realise that his feelings and emotions were much more than just feeling sad and upset about everything. He is withdrawn often, sleeps at random times, bad diet, lack of exercise, he struggles to see positives in life and more and more recently in the last 6-8 months we've argued so much more. We never used to argue at all but I feel completely helpless. What ever I say is wrong and if I say nothing that is also wrong. He won't talk to anyone about this other than me and I feel stressed and have to carry all this pressure. When I try and address this, he tells me it's not all about me and my feelings and consistently tells me he 'can't talk to me'. It feels like I just can't do anything to help. I have encouraged him to seek help but he believes he can 'flick a switch' and be fine. Every few months we have a few good weeks and then a relapse. I can't work out what the triggers are because at times we could be in the middle of watching a TV show and after such a brilliant few weeks to all hell breaking loose. I've had a previous partner with Bi-Polar and helped him get diagnosed and have medication. Potentially as I've had this experience I am less patient with my husband. I feel like that was a difficult journey and I am finding that I am on this path again. I guess I just would like advice on how to deal with such random acts of behaviour. I find it all suffocating and just want to push it away. I run my own business and trying to mange that on top of supporting us both (he doesn't work and hasn't for over a year - due to a visa issue which is also contributing to his feelings of worthlessness and lack of confidence, no self esteem) and providing support it's really taking it's toll on me now too. If anyone has advice, suggestions or help I would welcome them.

Leejay55 Helping partner find work
  • replies: 3

My boyfriend has been independently searching for work for 3 years via online websites including seek, etc. On a weekly basis he applies to at least 100 and on average has 2 interviews a week. He has not had success with it yet. In the past he receiv... View more

My boyfriend has been independently searching for work for 3 years via online websites including seek, etc. On a weekly basis he applies to at least 100 and on average has 2 interviews a week. He has not had success with it yet. In the past he received help from case workers from centrelink. No success with them either. I think he has to know people to get work. What else can we do? Oppressed, frustrated...

Lilli My Mum has BPD, & I am struggling with how to cope with her.
  • replies: 3

Hi,My Mum suffers with Bi Polar Disorder and she is also a sober alcoholic and gambling addict. I have recently sort help from the Acute Care Team in the town I live, but they were not that much of a help. I am just wondering what the best way to dea... View more

Hi,My Mum suffers with Bi Polar Disorder and she is also a sober alcoholic and gambling addict. I have recently sort help from the Acute Care Team in the town I live, but they were not that much of a help. I am just wondering what the best way to deal with my Mum is and how I should approach her to get help. In the past whenI suggest she needs help, she just attacks me and puts me down. She can be very hurtful. She often over reacts or reacts badly, which makes me fearful to approach her. I just feel that she needs help. She went to counselling a few months back, but didn't like the counselor and so she stopped going. She is on medication, but I feel like her medication just bombs her out, and doesn't really help her. Maybe she is on the wrong combination, I don't know. She just keeps filling the prescriptions for the last ten years and never really questions it. When a GP questioned her about it, she got very defensive. I am not anti-medication, but it was my understanding that someone with BPD may need medication along with other treatment, like counselling? The things that I struggle with are her deluded thinking, her depression, her selfishness, her irritability, and just feeling like I am her carer. I work part time and have a young son, and I am just starting to feel very overwhelmed. I don't have enough time or energy or even skills to really be able to help my Mum. Mum has tried to commit suicide before, and I have already lost my father to suicide, so it's a big fear of mine. I just feel like I need to take care of myself, and my family, but I don't want to leave Mum to her own devices, I want to help her, but not to the detriment of myself. Can anyone offer some advice or ways of coping? Thanks for your time.

Petal School refusal
  • replies: 1

My son age 12 is really struggling with returning to school after a fairly large amount of time, we have no support from immediate family who believe he is just been "naughty". Any tips?

My son age 12 is really struggling with returning to school after a fairly large amount of time, we have no support from immediate family who believe he is just been "naughty". Any tips?

Mick1983 BPD - coping with partner
  • replies: 4

I am in a 2 year relationship with my Girlfriend who suffers from BPD and we are looking at getting engaged. She has been diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression (among other health conditions such as PSO which add to her stress) and has been on and of... View more

I am in a 2 year relationship with my Girlfriend who suffers from BPD and we are looking at getting engaged. She has been diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression (among other health conditions such as PSO which add to her stress) and has been on and off medications since her early twenties (she is now 32 and I am 30). I suspect my girlfriend knows that she has BPD however she fails to acknowledge it. So far I have managed to deal with her condition by reading forums etc. However, if we are to have children (which we are trying for) I want to be able to have a solid framework for ensuring they are not adversely affected by her behavior (Which as some people may know can be extreme/unpredictable/verbally and physically abusive). In short I am not after answers here. I would like to know if anyone can recommend any good Therapists specifically trained to deal with BPD. I want to start by going just by myself (For my benefit and mental health as well as hers) then hopefully encourage her to get the professional help we need to manage her condition together.

Stitch How to be a good friend to someone with depression or anxiety
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone,I read a fantastic article last week that I'd like to share. The article was written by Melissa Pearce and it describes how her anxiety & depression has affected her friendships. Melissa has kindly given her permission for the article to ... View more

Hi everyone,I read a fantastic article last week that I'd like to share. The article was written by Melissa Pearce and it describes how her anxiety & depression has affected her friendships. Melissa has kindly given her permission for the article to appear on the BB forum. Thank you Melissa.I "lost" my best friend over 20 years ago. She simply couldn't deal with my baggage & I guess she just ran out of patience. I still miss her every day.I hope this article helps you as much as it's helped me in articulating the pressures that D&A can add to a persons ability to make & maintain friendships.The article exceeds the word count so I've included the link RegardsStitch

chipsngravy7 He wants help but nobody wants to give it to him!
  • replies: 1

Hello, I'm new here and wanting some advice on where to go next for my partner, who suffers from depression. To cut a very long story short, we've been friends for 10 years, been together for 4 years. Only in the last 18 months has he shown signs of ... View more

Hello, I'm new here and wanting some advice on where to go next for my partner, who suffers from depression. To cut a very long story short, we've been friends for 10 years, been together for 4 years. Only in the last 18 months has he shown signs of suffering from depression, and the past six months it has got so much worse. We have been in and out of the mental health unit at our local hospital but they don't seem to want to help him. He's admitted himself to the emergency department on more than three occasions in the past six months after he threatened suicide and I've driven him to hospital. I've also called the ambulance on him twice to pick him up when he refused to get in the car with me. All the mental health team seem to want to do is put him on detox for alcohol abuse. But he's not an alcoholic - his drinking is a symptom of his depression but nobody seems to want to recognise that? They have put him on drugs to combat the "cravings" of alcohol, but the medication clearly states he should not be taking it if he suffers from depression. One time the ambulance officers finally convinced him to go with them after an hour of talking to him, took him to the ED at the hospital and he spoke to someone at mental health, only for them to call me not five minutes after he arrived saying he "was fine" and wanted to come home, gave him a cab voucher and sent him on his way! It's got to the point where he says he wants to end his life on a daily basis. But I don't know where else to turn, when I have been to both our regional hospital AND a hospital in Brisbane to try and seek help. All they could do is tell him to go back to his GP and discuss a "mental health plan" which he has done, and finally after weeks has an appointment with a counsellor at the end of the week. I'm just not sure if he'll make it until then, that's how bad it is. Does anyone have any advice? Where else do I turn when our mental health team and his local GP aren't helping him quickly? Thank you