Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

[Charliebear]

I found out late last year that my husband is suffering from depression. He had worked himself into the ground and after convincing him to go to a counsellor his issues were brought right back to his parents splitting up when he was two. Another big issue which devastated me was he didn't know if he wanted to be in this marriage and thought that my son and I would be better off without him. He also went onto medication. After a lot of hard work we thought we were back on track and after struggling to fall pregnant for our second child we were successful with ivf. And yes struggling to fall pregnant again put pressure on him too. We were happy well I thought we were anyway. He has suffered another set back and didn't want to tell me cause he said he was protecting me and the health of our baby. But he lied to me about his whereabouts etc and I have been supportive and here with open heart so he can be honest with me. I feel so unloved and unwanted. There is no affection. We tell each other we love each other every day and he hasn't said it for a week now. His back to the counsellor and I am going to go separately too and request joint sessions. But I feel selfish cause I can't keep having to deal with him wondering if he loves me or not. I know it's the depression and I should be the supportive wife. Through sickness and health as they say. But my heart is breaking and I feel like my world is blowing up in my face. I'm struggling to be strong. I can't stop crying. Are there any support groups for carers? I'm so lost.

[White_Rose]

Dear Charliebear

Welcome to Beyond Blue, the place where you will receive support and care, as well as the collective wisdom of others.

You are in a horrid place at the moment.  It is hard when one person is depressed and the partner feels helpless to assist.  Most of us here are facing the opposite dilemma. We are the people with problems and often feel unsupported.  So it is great to hear from people like you who want to help and it is sad that you feel you are being pushed away.

There is no 'should' in this relationship.  You support your husband because you love him, not because it is a duty and I admire you for that.  I know it's not easy.  The strange thing with depression is that someone can love their husband/wife and feel unworthy of love in return because of the awful illness they have.  It does not make sense to others but makes perfect sense to the person with depression.

The depressed person loves their partner but is convinced that, because of their illness, they are not good enough for anyone.  That their loved ones are better off with out them.  I know it sounds ridiculous and illogical but that's what happens.  Sometimes I think it is worse for the partner than for the patient.  The partner must feel they are fighting a brick wall with no weapons but their bare hands and I imagine that the fear, frustration and anger is enormous.

Now that I have thoroughly depressed you I hope to offer you some comfort.  The above comments reflect life from the point of view of the depressed person. What can you do?

Patience is the most needed attribute.  Your husband, I am sure, does love and care for you.  This is invariably true.  They simply cannot see it or say it while in the grip of their depression.  Try and see it as someone with a broken leg.  You know they will be able to walk again but the injured person does not believe it.  In time, as the leg heals, the ability to walk will return and the fears about the future will recede.  I know this is a simplistic explanation but it really is true.

Your husband will not believe he will regain his health until his health starts to improve.  Then you can show him how far he has come.  In the meantime, concentrate on the day to day necessities such as feeding him nourishing meals, making him comfortable etc.  He probably will not notice now but will remember later and thank you.

Help him to go about his daily routine as usual to the best of your ability.  We depressed people need lots of encouragement in this area.  Most of all, look after your own health.  You have a child and another one on the way.  That's enough to worry about at the best of times. I expect it is particularly hard at the moment when you want the care and comfort of your husband to help you.

Please do not despair. As your husband gets well you will find the man you married and you can enjoy your family again.

You say you hope to talk to the counselor.  That's sounds like a great idea.  Be aware that the counselor cannot discuss your husband's discussions or condition with you without his written consent.  And hard though it may be, joint counseling sessions are not always the best for the depressed person.  Your counselor must make that decision.  Your husband may want to talk about matters that could be painful for you.  He needs freedom to do this.  If you are in the room it may stop him and hinder his recovery.  He will not necessarily be talking about you but about situations that affect you.  Give him the freedom to do that.

I hope my words are helpful to you.  This is how I intend them.  I realise how hard this is for you and I wish your husband a speedy recovery.  The best thing you can do is look after yourself and your babies first. Talk to a counselor.  It's a great idea and will help to reassure you.

Warm regards

White Rose

[Charliebear]

Thank you White Rose for your kind words. 

It is a difficult situation that we are in. Depression is so hard to understand as each person is suffering in completely different ways. And it doesn't matter how many books I read or how much research I do on the internet it doesn't give me the answer on how to protect my family and keep us as one. 

It was my husband who actually suggested the joint sessions but just doesn't want them to start right now. I'm seeing the counsellor today so I hope she can give me some more advice and tools to use in this situation. Its hard cause I do feel rejected. To not feel the love that you used to. 

I am confused though. I hope that either you or someone else can help. One minute he is confused on how he feels about me but then he is arranging Mother's day for me or talking about things in the future. But then talks about seperating. We are sleeping in seperate bedrooms. Oh this is hard, frustrating and difficult. I just want to love and support him but I just get confused. 

I'm glad I can write here though to get different people's perspective as we don't have anyone family/friends who have suffered this so I have no one to bounce experiences or suggestions with. 

Thank you once again. I do appreciated it - a lot!

Trying to stay strong,

Charliebear xxx

[White_Rose]

Dear Charliebear

I love that name.  It sounds so cuddly and comforting.

It is definitely confusing when your husband says or does such conflicting things.  It is also such a common symptom of depression and as I read your words I had a little smile to myself.  Not at you I hasten to add, but at myself as I remembered all the contradictory actions and words I used.  There is a book called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.  Can't remember what it's about but the title rings so true.  Depression makes us cling to someone we love for support and love, and at the same time we try and push them away because we are not good enough for them.

I have made arrangements for events or agreed to attend an event and at the same time I have been thinking how I can get out of it because I know I will ruin everything and everyone will hate me for it.   It's as if two parts of our brains are trying to do different things and pulling hard against each other.  Those people on the receiving end are totally confused both because this is not the usual behaviour of the depressed person and because they do not know where they are in life.

It must be a very uncomfortable, sad and hurtful place for you.  I am so sorry this happening to you.  You cannot 'make' your husband change and constant questions only confuse the person.  Your husband is really in a hard place, though I realise you understand this.

Please get as much support and explanation as you can from the counselor.  I know it's a hard ask, but the more you help your husband to go about his life doing whatever the counselor suggests, the easier it will become for both of you.  Make sure he takes any medication prescribed for him and if necessary any for yourself, although as you are pregnant this may not be possible.

Your husband really will get better and life really will improve though it may not seem that way at the moment.

Keep writing to us.  I'm sure others will add their wise words soon.

Warm regards

White Rose

[White_Rose]

Hello Charliebear

How are you going?  Did you see the counselor?  I do hope you found the session useful. 

If you look at the top of the page you will find links to information about depression.  Some information is for the depressed person and some for family and friends.  Look under The Facts and Resources.

Please write in and tell us how you are going.  I look forward to your reply.

Regards

White Rose

[Charliebear]

Evening White Rose,

Charliebear is a cute little cartoon my son and I liked watching together when he was smaller! 

I felt a lot clearer after talking to the counsellor. It was a lot on that I need to start taking care of myself. She spoke about how I am giving my husband everything; wife, friend, cook, cleaner, mother to his children, support in our business etc. she said what more can I give. My tank is empty and that maybe my husband needs to also seek help from others and maybe not from me. She suggested to do something nice just for me each day. Not for my husband, not for my son but just for me. So I'm doing it. I'm also writing a nice positive event, thought, feeling etc in a new book. I got rid of all the negative journals. 

I was having a good day but this afternoon I got sad again. I miss my husband. I miss the emotional connection. The affection. We are now sleeping in separate rooms. All I want is to feel the love again. I know it's going to be a long process but I just miss that so much. I would love a hug from him and for him to tell me that he loves me. It really does suck. 

His taking his medication and back seeing the counsellor so I guess I can only have hope. 

I just don't even know how to act around him, can I show affection or should I protect myself so I don't get hurt. Too much thinking ........

Thank you White Rose. Your words mean so much to me so again thank you xx

[White_Rose]

Dear Charliebear

I am so pleased you saw the counselor and feel a little better.  Yes, doing something nice for yourself sounds great.  What about a massage or pedicure?  Buy a book you enjoy and spend time reading.  How does meditation sound?  There are Christian meditation groups throughout Australia and attendance is free.  Once you have learned the basics you can meditate at home, although it is good to continue with a group.  Don't think you will be pressured to go to church as most groups are not affiliated with a church and in any case it is not a requirement.

Look forward to reading about your progress.

Warm regards

White Rose

[White_Rose]

I did add a link for meditation groups but it was against BB rules and was deleted.  So you will need to search yourself for The World Community for Christian Meditation.  When you get there (assuming you are interested in following this up) click on The Community and take it from there.  I hope it works this time.

White Rose

[Charliebear]

Thank you again White Rose! 

I find it so hard cause we just don't talk. We aren't like this. It really is breaking my heart. He will be going away in the next few weeks on the weekends to do a course for work so it will hopefully give him some further thinking time by himself. 

The thing I find hard is now I don't know if I can trust him. I just don't know what's going on, don't know what he is doing and I shouldn't be thinking like this as it will do my head in.

i will look into that mediation as I need to be able to relax especially being pregnant. It's suppose to be such a happy time. It's hard to keep finding the strength.

i hope you are well White Rose!

[White_Rose]

Dear Charliebear

It occurred to me this morning that maybe part of your difficulty is your pregnancy.  By this I mean you have so many hormones floating around your body that you are bound to be affected.

I think every pregnant woman gets easily upset during the pregnancy and feels confused.  I was trying to remember my pregnancies and how I felt.  My youngest 'baby' is 38yo, so it's been a while.  But yes, it is all coming back.  I cried at the drop of a hat, got cranky and all the other emotions.  How long until your baby is born?

I'm not discounting your feelings.  What I want to say is that your feelings may be being exaggerated by your pregnancy.  Not that it helps much I know but perhaps if you remind yourself that this overflow of emotion would happen to some extent in any case it may help you to cope.

Not talking to your partner is very hard in any situation.  And the knowledge that he is going away soon must be a little scary. I'm afraid I cannot offer any suggestions to help with this.  I see that you asked for support for carers in your first post.  Look up National Carers Counselling Program in your search engine.  Or look up Carers Australia to find some help and support in your locality.  This organisation has some good stuff on their web site.

Take care of yourself.  Until next time

White Rose