Undiagnosed partner who refuses to seek help

[Renz2014]

Hi everyone,

 I'm new to beyond blue but it's lovely to see so much support in this community.

I have a partner who I believe has depression. He goes through periods of extreme apathy, when he's not even motivated enough to get out of bed for days at a time, let alone eat or go to work. Even on his best days he struggles to plan for the future, even just a few days ahead.

I've been trying for many years to get him to seek professional help. He acknowledges that he probably does have depression but says he doesn't feel he needs or wants professional help. He says that being depressed and apathetic is valid lifestyle, that this is who he is and I shouldn't seek to change him. I think part of the reason he says that is that he wants an excuse not to have to seek help because he's not motivated enough to do so as a result of his depression. So it's this horrible cycle that feeds itself and prevents him from ever being motivated enough to seek help.

He has a strong support network of friends and family, and some of our friends have experienced depression and are receiving treatment. We all talk about it openly so i don't think he would feel any shame in seeking treatment, I think it's just that he doesn't care enough. I've seen how helpful treatment can be by talking to these friends and I really want that for him.

I have no idea how to motivate him to seek help. I've tried everything I can think of. He's getting worse in that his lowest points are getting lower, and he's recently lost his job because he couldn't motivate himself to get out of bed. I just want to help him. Can anyone suggest something for us?

[AGrace]

Hi Renz,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. I have to apologise, as it appears we have missed you post.

I hope in the interim have you been able to read some of the other threads in supporting family/friends, and at least found some suggestions as a start? If it takes a while to receive a reply, feel free to pose your question or concern in someone else's discussion thread. By replying to you now, your post will go back to page 1 of the new posts, so it should receive some more attention.

Your concern is one that is common among carers, and your partner's reluctance is common among those of us who experience depression. I know there were times when I didn't have the energy to seek help, nor did I have the belief that it would do anything for me.

Sadly, the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. What you can do is:

1. Keep the discussion about your partner's health open.

2. Let your partner know the various forms of help available, perhaps he would prefer to join a forum such as this one instead of going to a Psychologist. Maybe he would rather focus on self help, such as exercise, diet, sleep, and lifestyle. 

3. Have you tried asking him if he would like for both of you to see a GP just to get a check up and discuss life in general?

4. There's a couple of threads that might give you some ideas to pass onto him about motivation. Finding Joy in times of darkness  and Finding Motivation.  If you enter these headings into the search function (top right) this will direct you to these threads.

5. Setting some boundaries and expectations, and following through on these. You need to decided what's right for you, but an example could be if you don't feel you need help at the moment, then you do need to return to some form of work and adhere to getting yourself there. If you aren't showing signs of feeling better in 1 month, then it's my expectation that you will take the first step to seeking help.

6. Start asking some questions. If the way you feel is so valuable, then why weren't you able to retain employment? What can I do to help you get motivated? When you are feeling really low, what are your expectations of me?

It does take time and patience, in the end you have to decide whether you can continue a relationship with someone who is happy to continue suffering if he's not willing to get help. Otherwise this will start to have a big impact on you. I hope this is helpful, and I hope we hear back from you.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Renz, welcome to the site, and yes we are sorry to have missed your post, this can happen when the site gets a lot of posts that are sent in, so ones like yours can be pushed over to page 2 and then to page 3 are people don't check these pages that often, unless they are looking for a particular post.

This will now push this comment back to page 1 again.

It makes it so difficult when the spouse or partner you are living with doesn't want to get any help for their depression, maybe they are in denial or maybe the believe it's a waste of time, so as a start I would click under 'resources' at the top of the page and order the 'printed material' from BB, it's free, and have a read first yourself and then try and get him to browse through it.

He will most likely say that 'I don't want to read this **********, it's all rubbish', so what I would do is to photocopy the page that you believe relates to him and leave it lying around.

I only say photocopy because he may destroy or tear it up and then throw it in the bin.

His comment ' being depressed and apathetic is valid lifestyle', so from this he is in denial, refusing to believe that he is no different than anyone else, but he has lost his job so I don't know where you stand financially, and with being able to pay rent or a mortgage.

You have to ask him why he won't get out of bed, and isn't motivated, and suggest for him to read the facts from the printed material, and if he says that he is always tired and exhausted, well most people have hectic lives and are also tired but they know that they have to get on in life.

One thing to remember is not to banter him or argue about these facts, because it will only make him crawl more into a hole.

You have to look after yourself, which means that it's not wish for you to crash, I know it's difficult, but if he still won't get any help, then a decision has to be made on what you are going to do, but please we hope that you can reply back to us. L Geoff x

[Renz2014]

Thank you both for your kind and helpful words.

I'm trying very hard to keep the dialogue open but it's hard. He doesn't feel he needs help or that there's anything wrong with how he's living his life. He doesn't like the 'label' of him being sick or there being anything wrong with him. He hates that I think he needs help, he thinks it's a judgement on him.

In the past he's told me he doesn't want to live anymore, however he's said he won't commit suicide because he knows what that would do to his family who he's very close to. However when i push him to get help, or to go to work, or to get out of bed I feel like he moves closer and closer to wanting to die just so I, and the rest of the world, will leave him in peace. I know that sounds flippant but that's honestly how I think he's thinking.

 It makes me very scared that in trying to get him to seek help or setting boundaries or discussing options that I might actually make things worse.

He has some money saved up which will probably run out in about two months. I know his family will be able to find him minimum wage work if he asks them to. But he won't be moving forward with his life or making a change, he'll just be doing the bare minimum so that no body bothers him about it anymore.

My friends are all getting married and having children and I feel like my life is stuck on repeat as he's completely incapable of thinking about the future. I don't want to live like this. I don't want him to live like this.