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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Seesaw Feeling helpless
  • replies: 3

My husband of 13 years and best friend of 20 years left our home, me, and our 4 children 6 weeks ago. He has been diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression and says that he just feels nothing. He continues to support us financially and by picking ... View more

My husband of 13 years and best friend of 20 years left our home, me, and our 4 children 6 weeks ago. He has been diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression and says that he just feels nothing. He continues to support us financially and by picking the kids up and dropping them off at school but he's not feeling any real connection with us or anything really. I've tried giving him space, I've tried being supportive and listening. I've tried focusing on me and the kids, I've tried being passionate, I've tried listening to the advice of others. I don't know how to be. I want my husband home and loving me but understand he can't do that yet. I don't want him to think I don't love him but I also don't want him to think he can come and have happy family time here and then just leave and do whatever he wants the rest if the time. I just want someone to tell me exactly what I need to do to support him to remember how much we love each other. I miss him. His kids miss him and I'm scared that he will never be well enough to value that. How do I respond/support him without losing him?

katie-j i don't know what to do
  • replies: 4

So my partner of 3 years has depression (melancholia). At this point in time i am really struggling to support him. As for myself i have anxiety and I worry about him all the time. He has had depression since his teenage years (he is now 33) been on ... View more

So my partner of 3 years has depression (melancholia). At this point in time i am really struggling to support him. As for myself i have anxiety and I worry about him all the time. He has had depression since his teenage years (he is now 33) been on and off meds when we met he was on antidepressants he said that they made him feel flat- he never had the ups or the downs, just felt nothing. So he decided to wean off them. This was about 1.5 years ago now he has his extreme ups and downs (mostly downs). he has weird sleeping habits and i don't think this is helping his cause, he is never up before midday and always goes to bed around 4am. His day consists of smoking cones, playing xbox, work all day everyday. I think this is really starting to take a toll on our relationship. I really despise pot he says this is how he copes with his depression so he doesn't have to deal with his reality. I hate it and I hate the smell. I've asked him to quit so many times, he says that he is a very angry person off it but thats him having withdrawals right? I know he wants help but at the same time can't bring himself to do it. he also doesn't like to talk to me about any of it and gets angry if i suggest anything. I tried to get him blood tests (low energy) took him to a psychologist for a few months then refused to go and missed appointments. he says that he doesn't want to talk about it because it upsets me but id rather know right? I'm really struggling with this i try so hard to help him but there is no effort from his side to help himself and no motivation. I feel really nasty writing all these negative things about him because he is such a kind loving person, but he is in a massive rut and I feel so useless and i don't want to give up on him but its taking such a massive toll on me and our relationship. I'm trying to lead this horse to water but he won't drink.

tiredarms At a crossroad.
  • replies: 3

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months. In that time he has experienced ever an increasing severity of depression, the likes of which I have never encountered before. He has had to move back home with his family in the country. He sits at home for ... View more

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months. In that time he has experienced ever an increasing severity of depression, the likes of which I have never encountered before. He has had to move back home with his family in the country. He sits at home for days on end because he's too exhausted to work or study. I am worried about his health near-constantly which is only aided by constant contact through text message because he can't express himself with any depth of feeling in speech. I have never known him without depression. What he is experiencing is something I would never wish upon any young person. I try my hardest to be supportive and an ear to listen to what he needs to talk about but it's exhausting trying to maintain the non-judgmental persona with no problems of my own and be another entity away from his family. He says there are no expectations, but if I do something outside of what he sees as helping him to get better, he shuts down and I feel anxious that this time might be the time I've said something so wrong that the next time I hear of him will be a call from the police. It's started that he will be angry with something I've said and I won't muster the caring necessary to smooth the situation down, because I know it will just happen again in a few days. I know he's exhausted, but so am I. The males of his family all have depression in their medical histories and there's no sign of it going away for any of them any time soon. I don't know whether to hang around and support him or to leave and protect my own mental health.

Cena23 Cannot abandon my wife BPD sufferer
  • replies: 7

Hello everybody, This is my first post and I just wanted to see if I could get some advice on the situation I find myself in. I have been with my wife for 5 years and in that time we have been through quite a lot together and a lot of it has to do wi... View more

Hello everybody, This is my first post and I just wanted to see if I could get some advice on the situation I find myself in. I have been with my wife for 5 years and in that time we have been through quite a lot together and a lot of it has to do with dealing with her depression. This is a task that I have never really struggled to stand up to because of my immense love for her and my desire to see her through. We had marital issues however I thought we could work through it. A few weeks ago she started displaying a total change in personality, she began drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, didn't want to spend time with me, took her wedding ring off, began speaking to another man at work and even while drunk made out with a lesbian girl from her work. She then told me that she didn't know what she wanted and wasn't sure if she loved me anymore. Since we have separated though she admits to not wanting to lose me and that i am her best friend and the only person who she has. My reaction and the way i have coped with all of this is certainly a roller coaster to say the least. I began to see a therapist as I knew for my own health and her own also to learn how to cope and was told that my wife meets all the requirements for BPD. I have my friends and family around me who do not understand and they are all convinced that my wife is "evil" "manipulative" and "selfish" but I know her better than any of them and I know that her recent behaviour is more her illness and not her. For the time being for my own health i have been told that i need to walk away and give her the space that she is asking for, which i am trying to do. Its hard because i can see her going down a very dark path and i am so concerned and worried about her. In the long term I cannot abandon her, she has been abandoned by every man in her life and I cannot do that to her. I know that this is a debilitating condition and i know that there are no quick fixes. I also know that I cannot be her saviour, but i want to learn more. All i have ever wanted to do was know and understand her better but everybody around me keeps wanting me to simply run for the hills. And I just can't. What has been the experience of others on here in terms of both sides of the coin. What is best for me to do for her in this time? Thank you for reading...

Rainbow1 Helping from afar
  • replies: 1

I'm currently overseas, visiting my family. I return to Australia tomorrow, and last night my mother informs me she is concerned about my younger brother, who she says has had suicidal thoughts. As the older sister, I feel like I want to do something... View more

I'm currently overseas, visiting my family. I return to Australia tomorrow, and last night my mother informs me she is concerned about my younger brother, who she says has had suicidal thoughts. As the older sister, I feel like I want to do something to help, but not sure how to, as my visit ends soon. He is a very private person, and is not one to delve into his thoughts/feelings with anyone. I did today send him an email saying that I've noticed he's quiet, and he replied that things aren't going well. I asked if I can help in any way. Believe me, this is a pretty big step, as he really isn't one to tell family how he's going. Perhaps he feels "safer" emailing, rather than face to face. Hopefully this dialogue can continue. I also want to give some guidance to my elderly parents, who are probably coping with this on a daily basis, but perhaps haven't wanted to burden me as I live halfway around the world. If anyone has suggestions on how to help my brother and my parents, I'd love to hear. Many thanks.

Conlainza New here...desperate for help
  • replies: 3

I have been married to my husband for 13 years and we have three young children. He has suffered from depression and anxiety in varying degrees over the years and has been in counseling on and off and and meds the whole time. We have always dealt wit... View more

I have been married to my husband for 13 years and we have three young children. He has suffered from depression and anxiety in varying degrees over the years and has been in counseling on and off and and meds the whole time. We have always dealt with it, although it has always been an ever present issue. My husband has been seeing a counselor consistently for 2 years now and followed by a psychiatrist who manages his one daily medication and one PRN med. In April he had a sudden onset of a severe depressive episode,so bad, he had to go out of work for 6 weeks. He started a new med in addition to his daily one and there was a big difference, he was better than ever! Returned to work, truly was dong better than he had in years, that lasted 3 weeks, when anxiety hit out of no where, it has gotten progressively worse over the past 14 days and is now morphed into a full blown depression. They upped the additional med last week, but so far, no change. He is actively seeing both the counselor and the psychiatrist still. The issue is that I have had it....I am absolutely and totally exhausted from this. All I have been asking is that he communicate with me, tell me what he is able to do, let me know how it is going, etc. I don't know how to live with him any longer. I know this is a sickness l but I am basically living the life of a single mom. How am I supposed to go on? We even have help from family, but nothing replaces the marriage relationship of course. I feel bad wanting him to go stay with his parents but I can't handle the stress of not knowing how he will be and what he will or will not be able to do from moment to moment. I mean, what am I expected to do? This has been devastating for me and he not even once acts like I matter. I know he is in over his head with the depression,but am I supposed to just be a single mom and know that at any moment my husband may or may not "show up"? How long will his job allow this anyway? He was only back art work about a month and now he is taking another leave!.? I stay home with the kids, what if he gets fired? Ugh. Just don't know what to do.

englishrose Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
  • replies: 4

Hi, I am really stuck. My husband has depression and anxiety {Work place related} and with the advice of friends and a psychologist he went up to Queensland with the idea that I would follow with the children at the end of the year. The reason for th... View more

Hi, I am really stuck. My husband has depression and anxiety {Work place related} and with the advice of friends and a psychologist he went up to Queensland with the idea that I would follow with the children at the end of the year. The reason for this was Queensland is sunny and warmer which would help in his healing and it became really hard for him to live where we are living because his workplace is just down the road. Since then it became obvious our fifteen year old son was also suffering from depression and anxiety as well, and with this was self harm and now he is suicidal, he is seeing a psychologist and we have everything in place for his safety. During one of his therapy appointments it became obvious that our son didn't want to move anymore and the reason for this is because we have moved at least eight times in the last thirteen years and he has gone to four different schools. He said he would be happy to live with a friend down here if it became necessary for us to move up there. When I explained this to my husband he told me there was no way that he was going to leave our son down here or live in Victoria and we will have to talk him around. I really don't know what to put anymore pressure on our son or leave him with somebody else. I'm worried it may add more problems onto an already anxious and depressed young man, but I also don't want to live apart from my husband for longer than I have to. He tells me we have to stop allowing people to control our lives and yet he is up there listening to a friend's advice and telling me that I have to go through his brother and friend in relation to anything about moving up there. I'm not married to our friend and his brother, I'm married to my husband. I know he is unable to think things through rationally but I'm close to the end of my tether as I have spent the last two years trying to prevent a member of my family from ending their life. My oldest daughter has come through the other side of depression and anxiety is feeling down herself and I'm worried she is going to slip back into depression. I don't want our family split and I don't want to separate from my husband but the welfare of all our children is important. I can understand him finding living near the work place stressful but surely another part of Victoria wouldn't harm him. Does anybody have any ideas in how I can somehow get a compromise in this situation because I just don't know?

Sundari Supporting a family member with Depression & Anxiety
  • replies: 5

Dear All, I have joined this site in the hope that I find other people who are dealing with loved ones with depression and anxiety. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. In that time, we've had a lot of issues to overcome. He lost hi... View more

Dear All, I have joined this site in the hope that I find other people who are dealing with loved ones with depression and anxiety. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. In that time, we've had a lot of issues to overcome. He lost his mother early into our relationship which we have worked through together. Then in the last 10 months we've been through various tests and have uncovered my husband is infertile. The combination of these two significant life challenges are difficult for anyone to deal with however I came to realise that his feelings and emotions were much more than just feeling sad and upset about everything. He is withdrawn often, sleeps at random times, bad diet, lack of exercise, he struggles to see positives in life and more and more recently in the last 6-8 months we've argued so much more. We never used to argue at all but I feel completely helpless. What ever I say is wrong and if I say nothing that is also wrong. He won't talk to anyone about this other than me and I feel stressed and have to carry all this pressure. When I try and address this, he tells me it's not all about me and my feelings and consistently tells me he 'can't talk to me'. It feels like I just can't do anything to help. I have encouraged him to seek help but he believes he can 'flick a switch' and be fine. Every few months we have a few good weeks and then a relapse. I can't work out what the triggers are because at times we could be in the middle of watching a TV show and after such a brilliant few weeks to all hell breaking loose. I've had a previous partner with Bi-Polar and helped him get diagnosed and have medication. Potentially as I've had this experience I am less patient with my husband. I feel like that was a difficult journey and I am finding that I am on this path again. I guess I just would like advice on how to deal with such random acts of behaviour. I find it all suffocating and just want to push it away. I run my own business and trying to mange that on top of supporting us both (he doesn't work and hasn't for over a year - due to a visa issue which is also contributing to his feelings of worthlessness and lack of confidence, no self esteem) and providing support it's really taking it's toll on me now too. If anyone has advice, suggestions or help I would welcome them.

Leejay55 Helping partner find work
  • replies: 3

My boyfriend has been independently searching for work for 3 years via online websites including seek, etc. On a weekly basis he applies to at least 100 and on average has 2 interviews a week. He has not had success with it yet. In the past he receiv... View more

My boyfriend has been independently searching for work for 3 years via online websites including seek, etc. On a weekly basis he applies to at least 100 and on average has 2 interviews a week. He has not had success with it yet. In the past he received help from case workers from centrelink. No success with them either. I think he has to know people to get work. What else can we do? Oppressed, frustrated...

Lilli My Mum has BPD, & I am struggling with how to cope with her.
  • replies: 3

Hi,My Mum suffers with Bi Polar Disorder and she is also a sober alcoholic and gambling addict. I have recently sort help from the Acute Care Team in the town I live, but they were not that much of a help. I am just wondering what the best way to dea... View more

Hi,My Mum suffers with Bi Polar Disorder and she is also a sober alcoholic and gambling addict. I have recently sort help from the Acute Care Team in the town I live, but they were not that much of a help. I am just wondering what the best way to deal with my Mum is and how I should approach her to get help. In the past whenI suggest she needs help, she just attacks me and puts me down. She can be very hurtful. She often over reacts or reacts badly, which makes me fearful to approach her. I just feel that she needs help. She went to counselling a few months back, but didn't like the counselor and so she stopped going. She is on medication, but I feel like her medication just bombs her out, and doesn't really help her. Maybe she is on the wrong combination, I don't know. She just keeps filling the prescriptions for the last ten years and never really questions it. When a GP questioned her about it, she got very defensive. I am not anti-medication, but it was my understanding that someone with BPD may need medication along with other treatment, like counselling? The things that I struggle with are her deluded thinking, her depression, her selfishness, her irritability, and just feeling like I am her carer. I work part time and have a young son, and I am just starting to feel very overwhelmed. I don't have enough time or energy or even skills to really be able to help my Mum. Mum has tried to commit suicide before, and I have already lost my father to suicide, so it's a big fear of mine. I just feel like I need to take care of myself, and my family, but I don't want to leave Mum to her own devices, I want to help her, but not to the detriment of myself. Can anyone offer some advice or ways of coping? Thanks for your time.