New and Completely lost right now...

[J-Rose]

Hi everyone,

So my husband is currently studying to become an Air Traffic Controller. The job itself is insanely stressful, and the training is worse. My husband has always had a bit of a short temper, but now it is affecting his ability to train properly, and he has snapped at his instructors earning him a demerit. This job is our future, we wont be able to afford our own house or have kids, as my wage isn't nearly enough.

That pressure is getting too him, he has worked at this for nearly a year and tried so hard and he is still not getting any better with his temper. This knowledge as well as the fact he has put on quite a bit of weight recently is causing him depression. He is just angry all day, and when he isn't angry he is sad and withdrawn. 

He went through something similar a few months back, and he then blamed me for not helping him through it enough, and he felt that he had to pull himself out of it without my help. 

That was just a massive slap to the face, he never wanted to talk about anything or do anything, I did try but apparently it wasn't enough.

I am just at a loss. Every time I suggest going to see someone professionally he shoots it down because he thinks all psychologists are 'more messed up than him' and we wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. I don't know how to help him, and I don't want him to feel abandoned like last time, but every time I try to suggest doing anything he enjoys I get shot down. Every time I come home it's just sullen silence and I feel the weight of the blame on my shoulders for not helping him enough, even though I honest to god don't know how.

I just feel really lonely and tired of feeling guilty all the time, then I feel guilty about feeling awful because he is the one going through hell. 

I honestly don't know where to turn, and I guess I'm just after some suggestion as to what I can do to help him.

Thanks,

[AGrace]

Hi J-Rose,

Welcome to the forums.

It certainly does sound like both of you are under a lot of strain right now. I think the first thing I would suggest is to tone down the pressure on both of you. It sounds like you are thinking long term about both of your goals to have your own home and children and a nice comfortable lifestyle where finance isn't a huge issue. We all live under such pressure in society to fulfil these expectations. I can imagine that you are feeling pressured to bring in an income, and your partner would be feeling pressure to bring in enough of an income to live this dream. Perhaps a few small short term goals would be more realistic and achievable. Could you try having a conversation about this to try to alleviate some of the pressure?

Have you tried seeking out some activities that you could both just enjoy together rather than heading straight for a Psychologist? You mentioned that he has gained a bit of weight recently. Have you tried asking whether he would like to start walking or exercising with you? Exercise seems like such a simple strategy yet it helps build positive endorphins, it will help with weight management, it can be very grounding and allow you to take your focus off your worries for a short period, and also give your partner an outlet to use up some of the excess adrenalin that builds up with stress. Doing things like this together may also appear as though it's for fun rather than to "treat" his symptoms.

If either of you would like to see a Psychologist, a Mental Health Care Plan along with a referral from a GP will give you access to 10 sessions covered completely by Medicare.

Have you had a chat with your husband about feeling like you don't know how to help him? I know my partner spent the first few months focusing a lot of his energy on not knowing what to do and yet admitting that he was at a bit of a loss in terms of how to help showed a sense of vulnerability as well as genuineness. It might also be as simple as asking what can you do to help, rather than offering suggestions.

The other thing to remember is that you are both going through this because you are a couple. So you are allowed to feel awful, lonely, and tired. You care about him, so it's only natural that you would feel frustrated, concerned, and worried when you can see he is experiencing difficulties.

I hope to hear back from you J-Rose.

AGrace

[J-Rose]

Thanks for replying AGrace, it's very much appreciated.

We have discussed me not knowing how to help in the past, and my husband feels that she shouldn't have to spell everything out for me in regards to helping him out.

Every time I bring up that I'm not sure what to do he just gets angry with me, and it makes everything worse.

We used to go for walks every weekend, but lately any time I have bought it up he just can't be bothered. I don't want to nag him, but I'm not sure what else to do.

He always asks how I'm going, but if I admit to him that I'm struggling as well, he just feels guilty, and since he isn't good at dealing with that guilt he turns it into anger and directs it at me.

I will try and discuss more short term goals with him though, we have both really been focused on the big picture lately so maybe I need to start directing our attentions to things that are a little easier to achieve.

Thanks again for taking the time to read this.

J