Boyfriend with depression anxiety & addictions

[CatCat]

This is my first post about my boyfriend. I've been to this site so many times and read threads to see how others are supporting their loved ones, but i need to get my own thoughts out there as i dont have anyone i can talk to.

I'm struggling with my BF. We've just finished a three hour discussion that just went around in circles and i really dont know if i can take much more.

Its always the same thing - no one is there, loneliness, everyone's judging him, feels left out when he doesnt come to social events, feels pressure when asked to come out. He won't acknowledge or accept my bad life experiences as valid because his are so much worse. He wont listen to ideas on steps to take to get better, and always sees the worst case scenarios and there is always multiple excuses for not trying to seek help.

The worst part is when i feel like we have gotten somewhere or he has moments where i can see he sees me as someone on his side.... then i see his brain ticking over and all of a sudden he turns on me again, and he starts repeating the negitive thoughts again.

He works 6 days a week in a high pressure job, but when at home he rarely helps out. If i am cleaning he gets upset and says i make him feel guilty thats hes not helping. Sometimes i do get frustrated and its obvious, so i'm not helping things there.

He has been to a GP who referred him to see a psychologist (hes actually tried 3 different ones) but feels they dont get him, cant help and even said one of them told him he was 'too hard to deal with'. He doesnt want to find the right person for his situation and feels they all judge him when he tells them he is addicted to pot.

Hes on anxiety meds, but alcohol doesnt let the pills work properly. Hes been diagnosed with severe depression. He was verbally emotionally and physically abused as a child.

I know its going to be a long path to recovery, but if he doesnt want to take any steps in the right direction then nothing will change or get worse. I dont know if i can take much more but i dont think i could live happily after abandoning him. I love him, and there is an amazing loving guy inside( who has rescued stray cats from abandoned warehouses). i think he could finally lead the safe love filled life he never had as a child or young adult if i can help him in the right direction.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[Doolhof]

Hi CatCat,

I'm not really sure how you manage to help a person who is not always willing to seek the help and advice he or she needs. Have you tried phoning Beyond Blue or using their webchat for yourself to help get some help and assistance on how to be supportive to your boyfriend and also how to look after yourself in the mean time?

You mentioned your boyfriend works 6 days in a high pressure job, after a week like that I would not like to help out around the house either! So I do understand a little how he feels, but there is no point in him feeling guilty if you do the cleaning.

My husband does little around the house and he told me he felt guilty when I was rushing about doing the cleaning on the weekend, as I work also. I told him he could either help and not feel guilty, or deal with the guilt himself as I was not doing the work to make him feel like that, but to keep our home clean.

There is a lot of information here on BB and on the net in general about depression and coping with it. Could you look through some of these fact sheets, highlight bits you think are relevant to your boyfriend and discuss them with him when he appears receptive to such a chat.

Do you praise your boyfriend for the things that he does do well? If going out socially is a real strain for him, could you shorten the time you are out so he feels more comfortable with it all?

The alcohol and the pot will not be helping your boyfriend to feel at all stable and balanced. Can he try to reduce the amount he uses? It might help a little with his moods.

I hope you both find some answers.

Cheers, from Dools.

[CatCat]

I look back 4 years ago and remember when this all started but had no idea what was going on. I missed all the dogns and brushed off moments as 'bad days' or 'bad weeks'

Its only in the last 6 months when things hit rock bottom that we looked into mental illness and focused on what he can do. I feel so guilty that I unconsciously ignored what I can do to help.

 Since reading more on what I can do, I have praised him for the small wins (I.e cutting down working hours and the massive drop in pot usage). It seems to be having a positive effect, and I plan on reminding him everyday how awesome he's doing. Ive seen him go cold turkey before and its not pretty (aggressive episode that he cant remember) so I'd never ask him to do that. Being a non smoker I will never encourage it 

I have struggled with low self esteem and social phobia since I was a teen. I enjoy a couple drinks myself everynight to deal with stuff so I feel hypocritical if I say he cant have a drink too. 

Thank you, I think I will see if I can get him out more and make sure I get us home early before he starts panicking. 

Im so lost as to how I can get him to see someone? I am Pro councelling but he isnt. He says he knows he's a mess and he knows why. He well aware of what is happening to him and doesnt see the point in paying a lot of money for someone to tell him what he already knows.... I'm frustrated because he told me this morning he only sees a black hole, doesnt feel love and has no idea who he is. This scares me so much. Im not sure I can see him succeeding without help.

Has anyone had successful experiences with their loved one, without them seeking professional help?

Im not feeling positive right now 😞

[--Danny--]

Hi Cat, I hope everything gets better for you. Your partner sounds a lot similar to me. I'm addicted to pot & I'm on meds for anxiety aswell...for 15 years I was binge drinking also...I quit grog over 90 days ago . .although I was not physically abused much, I copped the mental torchering like your partner did..let me say this..it's a really hard thing to deal with & at times, unfortunately people turn to weed & grog to numb the pain..anxiety from childhood is extremely tough to ever get over..I guess it's just instilled in you for life...you never know whether your doing the right thing & always doubt yourself, you feel ashamed & guilty, nervous, lack confidence..there's a few of many things....if your partner is a good man inside, then he's worth fighting for! It might take a bit of time for him to kick both habits... I'm not sure of your partners age but it took me 15 yrs to boot the booze..my wife was extremely patient but seen the goodness inside me..now I'm trying to quit weed...it's going to be the toughest battle of my life....I really hope everything works out for you both..you seem like a very strong women Cat & your partner is lucky to have you!! 

Bestwishes,

Danny

[geoff]

dear CC, can I say that it is so draining living with someone in depression, because as you have found out that he can agree with what you do have to say, so you believe that an improvement has been made, but then you leave them for 5, 10 minutes and back they go thinking about everything in a negative way, so yes it does go round in circles, and this happens because he is no way overcome his depression, because he's far from it, and would then tend to go back to smoking his pot or sculling some alcohol.

I remember when I had depression I visited one psychologist that said to me the she wouldn't counsel me because I was drinking alcohol, and she was a couple of hours away, but recommended to me by my sister, so the session lasted a few minutes.

In hindsight I can see what she meant, because my brain wasn't clear, however wasn't her job to counsel me so that I could stop drinking, and I certainly believe it was, but she didn't think so, so who was the winner, neither of us, I had to move on and she lost because well, she loses money to put it bluntly.

The psychologist I saw for about 20 years took my alcohol drinking on board.

When you talk to your BF it's like talking to a brick wall, and I don't mean this in any harmful way, but he's in denial at the moment and doesn't want anybody to help him, because the only solution he has is the alcohol and the pot, that's his way of coping at the moment, and this is why your banging your head against a brick wall.

Love is such an attraction and always will be, but there has to be a line in so far as how long you can hold onto this, either way at the moment it's painful for you, in staying with him and trying to help him in so many ways, like getting professional help, and to stop smoking the pot as well as drinking the alcohol, or leave him, and whether or not to stay in contact with him, it's not an easy choice. L Geoff. x