My wife isn't coping with our 3 year old

[Sandford]

So my situation is this. We have a 3 year old boy who is starting to do what 3 year olds do. Won't listen, very independent etc.My wife has been diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder, she is a stay at home mum,. Has taken medication in the past but didn't like it as it made her very sleepy. Has been to counselling but really didn't seem to find any benefit as she was told things about her condition that she already knew within herself and didn't learn any coping methods that worked. They almost frustrated her more.She rings me at work in tears saying 'I can't cope with him' she is really struggling to discipline him and so he is winning every battle. This morning she called me eating toast in the bathroom as this is her only way of coping with one of their battles. She will often hide away to calm down so he doesn't see her upset. He is growing in confidence with regard to doing as he pleases . We try the naughty mat procedure but she can't follow it through because of the fight that he puts up. She is a perfectionist with a reasonable amount of OCD, so any 'mess' frustrates her which leads her to ask him to clean up, he says no, a fight starts and the process begins again. The OCD is significant, she can come home from a day out and as soon as she walks in the door, will walk straight to the ONLY object that is out of place and fix it to how it SHOULD be. I can deal with this and have done for 12 years. This isn't so much a problem but a description of her personality.My issues are that I'm worried that our son isn't being disciplined. He has issues with hitting/sharing etc ( I know all kids do) but I don't think that she can discipline him to stop doing it. When I'm home I try to do things I know he needs, but when he fights back I get things like 'see, he just won't do it". I know she wants to be a good parent but I scared that she just doesn't have the strength to take the hard road. Most battles between them end with her in tears, I come home to a house full of stress.Just now while typing this I've had another call to speak to him about his behaviour, she just can't force herself to discipline him and he knows it. If he has a tantrum in public she rings me in tears, saying how naughty he is, but then does nothing about it.I am besides myself because she is just so unhappy/stressed and I have no answers on how to help. I can't make their time together better. I can't make her stronger, I can't help her to cope. What can I do?

[Jacko777]

Hi Sandford,

I am glad you are talking about this and you will get lots of support and advice from the people on this site. Hang in there mate. I know when my son was 3 it was fairly challenging and we just tried to get through it, rather than try and 'fix him.' We had big sleeping issues so we spent some time with CAFS (South Aust), a free service to help parents that are having a hard time, not sure if you have anything like that where you are?

There will be actions you can take to improve this situation, you are on the right path, have hope and foster some hope with your wife, tell her that you will both get through this and that together you WILL find some solutions and things will get better.

Is your wife able to take some regular breaks? Perhaps she needs some time off to regather her strength. Perhaps she will have to find other forms of discipline that she can manage.

[Hopeangel]

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear your wife is struggling and believe me I can relate in relation to young children and discipline I'm a marshmallow.  It sounds like she needs a break do you have a good family support? If so how about asking them to babysit? My husband and I organise date nights once a month and it feels great getting dressed up  and going out.  Also some  not for profit agencies are great they have family support workers to come out to your house and provide support for free.  Also is she part of any parent groups? She needs to contact your local Community Nurse in the area to help provide knowledge on support groups.  Or even call your local Council to find out about agencies to support her .  There are even agencies that run parent support courses free and have the kids in crèche for a tiny amount of dollars.

Also if you have anyone that can come over and help her so she can sleep that would be good:)

Wish you the best of luck and good on you for coming to this site asking for help Nicky

[Magyarok]

G'day Sandford,

I can empathise with your situation as i have gone through similar and my wife sounds very much like yours with the generalised anxiety, stress, OCD, cleanliness issues, poor coping skills etc.  For a very long time i did almost everything for our daughter because my wife simply couldn't cope.  But now my wife has a better relationship with our daughter now that she is five and can be better reasoned with.

But in regards to your wifes situation, please encourage her to persist with counselling and treatment.  Has she been tested for PND there could be a chance that she has / had this so it could be worth looking at.

In regards to discilpline, you and me both know that the best way is to remain calm and composed and to be firm, fair and consistent but this is difficult if you are tired, stressed, depressed etc.

However apart from counselling what would benefit your wife is for her to have some 'alone' time, especially as a stay at home mum.  Therefore if you don't already take your son out on more outings just the two of you.  Do you have much of a support network close to you (family and friends) who you could leave your son with at times so you and your wife and have time together or even go on a 'date'?

Are you able to put your son into childcare a couple of days a week?  This will give your wife time to her self and it will also provide important socialisation opportunities for your son which may help with his hitting and not sharing issues.  Childcare also provides a lot of other learning opportunities and activities which will benefit.

This is a difficult but not uncommon situation, i read an article a while back that suggested that the most stressed out parents were mothers of toddler boys and fathers of teenage girls - so yay something for me to look forward to.

I hope my advice is of some use and i wish you the very best.  Also this is obviously a very difficult situation for you so please don't forget to look after your self by establishing your own support network and seeking your own counselling - i found this useful for me.

All the best

ignoP