Depressed partner leaving a long term relationship - is it the depression or relationship?

[_-_]

My long term partner (19+ years with children) has recently been diagnosed with severe depression and thinks it would be best to move out to focus on themselves.

Up until the past few months relationship has been happy, engaging and intimate, although full time work and family has left less time than we would like to spend with each other. 

Whilst my partner has been working lots, I can see that they started to withdraw in the past couple of months and showing several physical (sleep issues, weight loss) and emotional signs (withdrawing, irritable, constantly worried, not enjoying social activities) of depression.

They also stated that they no longer feel in love with me. 

In the last month they have decided that there is not enough feelings on their side to try to salvage the relationship.

This was quite shocking, as we have always enjoyed each other, never had big arguments or a particular trigger - I thought he was simply stressed from work load and us both being busy.

They mention that they just feel numb and want to work on themselves to find out what makes them happy again. This feeling has applied to our family and social life as well.

I'm assured there is no third party and I believe them.

They don't enjoy being at home as it makes them anxious and they have withdrawn from myself and the children but have made an effort to keep things as normal as possible. 

Outwardly they are high functioning and find work to be soothing and rewarding, however they admit to masking in most other social settings.

They have recently been to a GP and been diagnosed with severe depression and some anxiety, and recently started engaging with a psychologist.

We have been openly talking about how they have been feeling for the past few weeks and there has been no animosity but it's still hard to hear as I love them deeply.

They have said that they care for me and want me to be happy, but they also want to find happiness themself. They hope to remain friends and continue to co-parent amicably.

They seem so sure, but it also seems so different and sudden.

I'm committed to supporting them and will manage as best I can.

It's hard for me to know if it's the depression that has impacted their feelings for me, or if it's genuine.

I also know that I would take them back in a heartbeat if given the chance 

[CrazyInLove]

While I have nothing constructive to offer, I just want to say that I think you are very brave, caring and resilient.

My thoughts are with you.

[_-_]

Hello Croix,

The older children have tried to understand the depression, and we have both tried to explain and encouraged them to ask questions.

One of the hardest things they tell me is that one parent has no problem telling them that they don't love the other parent - they don't want to try to work it out, they just want to be on their own.

I think it's also hard to understand how this same parent can be excited when talking about their work and other external topics whilst their childrens world has been impacted so much.

Lots of emotion to process and many changes along with it.  All we can do is support each other as best we can and try to keep the lines of communication open.

My partner is willing to work on our connection as parents at my suggestion as we will always be connected through our children - it's not aimed at saving our relationship as they still have no feelings of love (they feel there's no relationship to save).

This reconnection is not something I want to push (not should I) and whilst I will continue to be there for my partner , I think they are moving on towards living independently from myself and our family home.

Accepting that there may be no future relationship together has been hard but appears to be a likely possibility.

We shall wait and see.

I'm in no rush but if they want to move on there is not much I can do.

[Croix]

Dear _-_

I guess when htere is love thought a whole family it is all encompassing, and there maybe not even a real division as to who loves who, it is all together, a whole.

When one person leaves this fold it is not a neat severance but a ragged ones with  tendrils of absence everywhere. Whet I'm trying to say is I would be surprised if your children's' perception was that yur partner loves them less, if at all, too.

I"m not sure I get the right meaning you intend in your words "hard to understand how this same parent can be excited when talking about their work and other external topics ". If by that you mean your ex is talking about their own life then of course the children are having it underlined the separation is complete. If on the other hand your ex is praising the children's work it smacks of falseness. A downer either way.

Many people can put on a  brave face for their kids, I'm not sure how good that is. To see your mum is upset (provided they do not think they had something to do wiht it) may draw you closer.

You are doing all the right things, which does not mean everything goes back, but optimizes the chance of amicable co-parenting. I hope you ex's love of the children is strong.

Croix

[_-_]

Hello Croix,

I think it's hard for the childreb to see a parent leave their family unit because they can't cope - but to see this same parent out enjoying life (whether genuine or not) and showing such pride in their work, making time for other people and enjoying life without them is hard to see.

Their parent speaks about depression, but doesn't want to talk about it when they are having a good day. Whilst trying to be understanding, it feels like it's somewhat of an explanation for the poor behaviour but forgotten when they feel ok. I understand it doesn't work that way, but that's what it looks like.

Its like my partner can't understand why the children are upset and not excited for them and their new life. They say they understand that people are hurting but they can't change it.

They also don't understand why family and friends don't support their choice to leave with no attempt at reconciliation. They think it should just pass in time and people will understand that they had to do this for them.

My partner always had more time available at home due to their work finish times, they just chose not to spend it with the children.

I'm happy that they are making the time to connect with the children now and hope it continues.  The older children are resisting somewhat because they feel it's a bit too little too late (this is over the last 5+ years, not just the recent depression).

I've tried not to be upset and to not place blame in front of the children because I don't think that's fair and I don't want them to worry.

I also don't want it to look like I'm using this opportunity to have the children side with me and discard my partner. 

Internally I am at a complete loss to have a 19+ year relationship discarded because the other person don't feel love anymore and they refuse to talk or work on it. They can't pin point a reason and still acknowledge the good qualities that exist but it's not enough.

They also tell me this is not the depression, so it's not going to change.

Yes I am committed to making the co parenting work as I don't expect any improvements to our relationship in the future based on what my partner has said.

[Croix]

Dear _-_

I am not on the spot so can't really say a lot, however I tend to get the impression you may be over-scrupulous in your descriptions of your ex to your children.

Not to mince words you, and the kids, have been dumped - for reasons of illness or simply a desire for hte realtionship to end- and I am sure your kids will be able to decide when given full facts how to make up their minds.

It may be a trifle optimistic at their current ages to expect an even handed attitude, and frankly it is not helped if your ex did not show great interest in them in the past and goes on about his new life.

His behaviour does not sound like mine when my depression was at its worst, I did not want to leave home, just be left alone, and did not enjoy pastimes or work. The whole world was black.

I guess, if you have not already done so try not to shield his reputation too much to the older children, and nothing to stop you saying how you feel to them, your hopes and fears.

I do not know why but some children in a family break-up tend to believe it is their  actions that have lead to the fracture. I'm trying to suggest strategies that may stop them feeling that way.

These are all just thoughts from a distance, I have every confidence you will do the most snesible tihng anyway, your judgment always seems spot on

Croix

[Elena1985]

Hello Croix,

Something similar has just happened to me and I came across your post on this forum.

Is there any update to your situation?

has your husband now been treated or is he still living out of home?

I am navigating the same thing and how to tell the kids.

Any advice would be great.

[randomxx]

Hi there Elena , and to op , and to Croix.

This thread's just popped up again for me and at the exact time of my partner only just recently having done it all over again and so l've been reading through it all again, l'll get back to that.

1st up though so how have things been going op of late , any change on his stance or ? l hope you and your family have been getting through ok.

Re reading just now 1st thing hit me is that maybe he was just unhappy within the  marriage and life in general , maybe that was causing his depression , just a thought. Only say that bc one he said he was out of love but 2ndly you were saying he was quite happy doing outside life and talking about any of that. To me and once again l'm no expert but have been going through it with my ex partner nearly 7yrs and l've always thought there's a few things it could be. Firstly, just plain unhappiness withing their situation , marriage, life as it is or was, or some big parts in that. Or secondly, it could be real depression, Croix's situation sounds like it was far more to that side of things, bc he was still receptive to his wifes care and support and as far as l can tel , probably still loved her, would that be right Croix or ? - if you happen to get back here.

l've thought with my partner it's been a bit of both actually for her combined with menopause thrown in on top which has really thrown her for a 6 alone, she's a different person.

Hi Elena, so sorry to hear of your situation , wouldn't with it on anyone. l hope you can find some help to get through it and maybe in an understanding too.

My own situation , we've stayed in touch since we actually broke up 18mths ago.

And we've gotten along soooo well through it all too , she's even said many times she loves me , butttt, that still doesn't seem to help much as she's also just turned around next day often after even just saying things like that or beautiful 3hr ph calls where we've been closer than ever, and just cut us off, yet again.

She says things like , she needs silence, or she can't be in a relationship, or her health is just too bad , or that she can't even look after herself , or all of the above. She's just turned round and shut us down again 1/2 a dozen times like this. Then she'll usually call in a wk or two again like nothings happened . l've allowed and tried to be there and support her right through, but that doesn't seem to carry much weight bc she'll still just turn round and do it again a few wks or mths later. The last was a few wks ago , looking like it might be for real this time as l haven't heard from her.

rx

[815]

Hi Elena1985.

Just saw your post here, and sorry to hear that you are navigating a situation such as the one originally posted here. I'm also navigating a similar situation, and the truth of it is that it sucks!! (I have a long standing thread here which I've also recently just started posting on again: Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope)

While my husband has also recently expressed his desire to leave, I believe it's due to the depression but of course as a human all the self doubts resurface and I wonder if it really is the me and the relationship.

Last time we went through this, the kids were much younger and I guess the way they dealt with it was quite different. They saw us go from a loving close-knit family, to a family where their "mummy and daddy are always yelling at each other" and my eldest daughter actually put that in a note to us, and said that it makes her very sad 😞 I spoke to both our children at the time and explained to them that Daddy was going through a hard time where he wasn't able to see any joy and love. But that he still loved the family, and that it wasn't their fault and that they could come talk anytime. And that I would do everything I could to fix it. I also got them support through the school psychologist. They were 10 and 7 at the time. We got through it.

But we are here again in that black hole. Now the girls are 14 and 12 and I'm sure they can see much more. Although they haven't seen any of the angry conversations, they would have seen the complete disconnect between my husband and I. I did ask them on the car ride home from school yesterday, how they were doing and if there was anything they wanted to discuss. They just told me about their school day and to be fair, they seem to both be quite well behaved and trying to stay out of trouble. I don't know if they remember from last time, and that we managed to fix things and get back on track and are hoping for the same and so remaining hopeful. Maybe they're just older and don't care. However I have told both of them that we (Mummy and Daddy) are always here if they want to talk about anything.

My suggestion would be to look after yourself, and make sure you have support. Otherwise it will be difficult to support and care for your children (and your husband if that's what you're also doing). Be open with the kids if they have questions and I guess tell them what's going on in the most age appropriate manner.

I hope you're doing OK. Please do reach out if you want to chat more.