Depressed partner leaving a long term relationship - is it the depression or relationship?

[_-_]

My long term partner (19+ years with children) has recently been diagnosed with severe depression and thinks it would be best to move out to focus on themselves.

Up until the past few months relationship has been happy, engaging and intimate, although full time work and family has left less time than we would like to spend with each other. 

Whilst my partner has been working lots, I can see that they started to withdraw in the past couple of months and showing several physical (sleep issues, weight loss) and emotional signs (withdrawing, irritable, constantly worried, not enjoying social activities) of depression.

They also stated that they no longer feel in love with me. 

In the last month they have decided that there is not enough feelings on their side to try to salvage the relationship.

This was quite shocking, as we have always enjoyed each other, never had big arguments or a particular trigger - I thought he was simply stressed from work load and us both being busy.

They mention that they just feel numb and want to work on themselves to find out what makes them happy again. This feeling has applied to our family and social life as well.

I'm assured there is no third party and I believe them.

They don't enjoy being at home as it makes them anxious and they have withdrawn from myself and the children but have made an effort to keep things as normal as possible. 

Outwardly they are high functioning and find work to be soothing and rewarding, however they admit to masking in most other social settings.

They have recently been to a GP and been diagnosed with severe depression and some anxiety, and recently started engaging with a psychologist.

We have been openly talking about how they have been feeling for the past few weeks and there has been no animosity but it's still hard to hear as I love them deeply.

They have said that they care for me and want me to be happy, but they also want to find happiness themself. They hope to remain friends and continue to co-parent amicably.

They seem so sure, but it also seems so different and sudden.

I'm committed to supporting them and will manage as best I can.

It's hard for me to know if it's the depression that has impacted their feelings for me, or if it's genuine.

I also know that I would take them back in a heartbeat if given the chance 

[randomxx]

`PS, sometimes a bit of a break and being his own man again for while is enough yaknow and that could well work out the case for him too.

[_-_]

Hello Rx,

Thanks for the response.

I appreciate where you're coming from and take your point - I'm always open to a different point of view.

I'm the passive one in the relationship.

Whilst I've been reluctant about ideas and concerned about risk I've always supported my partner and we have usually gone ahead with them.

I left my high level job and moved our family across the other side of the country so that they could pursue their dream job opportunity- whilst the move only lasted 18 months (by my partners choice) I was committed and did everything I could to make it work - I admit to this day that I enjoyed the opportunity and am glad we did it.

I also support their weekend sports and hobbies that lets them have time to themselves.

They have also gone ahead with investments and business opportunities that I have had reservations about - most things have still gone ahead, and I don't think that they have been denied any particular opportunity because of my position. But I get that it would feel annoying that it sounds like I'm always against it.

Our family life tends to work around their choices and I've been ok with that, as our agreed focus was to work hard, raise the children and then move the focus back to us and travel. 

They are quite driven and work hard to be successful - reading back on this it makes them seem quite selfish but I don't see it that way.

I work a well paying long-term job and am content, so I'm not looking for anything more. If I wanted to do more I'm sure my partner would have supported me in the past.

It may well be that he no longer loves me.  The fact that it has happened so suddenly without any arguments or apparent event is what worries me.

That coupled with working consistently long weeks for the past 18 months and putting work first - which we had agreed was the focus for now - I suspected that they were stressed or possibly depressed from the constant workload.  

They no longer want to talk to their close family either.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm arguing with you, its just hard when not much makes sense to me any more.

Hopefully they find what they need and can recover as best they can.

If they still feel the same way then I will know it's definite.

[_-_]

Also want to clarify...

By no means am I perfect - far from it. But I do try to find happiness where I can and try to accept what I can and cannot change.

[randomxx]

No worries at all op just putting it out there as l've seen it and lived it but also going on a few things you'd said too but yeah , that's sounding very differently to earlier then but still hard to know.

Somethings a miss though but anyway yeah , hopefully he realizes with a break though of just what he's throwing away eh.

rx

[_-_]

Hello R,

I agree, something is definitely up and they are clearly not happy with our current marriage / family life.

Hopefully with treatment and time we will see what happens, and if it's meant to be it will be. 

Thanks again for taking the time to chat, I'm glad you're doing things that you've always wanted to.

[_-_]

Quick update

They have organised accommodation and looking to move out next week.

They want to work out what they want from life and what their next steps will be.

We still talk and seem to get along.

They tell me outside of home they are feeling better in themself and the depression and anxiety is seeming to be less. This also coincides with the completion of a big work project.

They want to maintain a strong friendship but the is just no spark or feelings of love anymore. Still not wanting to do couple counselling as they just don't feel it any more.

I'm glad that they are doing better and accept that they probably haven't felt well for a while.  If I'm being honest they haven't been a good partner for quite some time and I have been left with the bulk of family and home load and little support, but that was my way of trying to be supportive whilst they have been so busy at work.

We will tell the children next week which will be hard - as will being the primary care giver and support person whilst my partner is on their break.

Hopefully in a few months I will know either way what this means for myself and the family so we can adjust as needed

[CrazyInLove]

Hello, how are you doing around 6 weeks on?

I have not posted here before, but have read your story. Hope you are doing ok.

[Croix]

Dear _-_

When last you spoke it was about telling the chidren, a very difficult task as there is still uncertainty there, it is not as if you are saying it is permanent, just it might be.

Having all that at Christmas time might well make it even more difficult. Would you like ot say how you got on?

It seems to me that you have been the backbone in the relationship, and that while your partner devoted their energies to work you did all the day to day matters that were needed.

I suspect that doing all that did make you see the possible problems wiht schemes, after all you had the best idea of day to day finances and the family's capabilities. This can of course be annoying to a partner. I tend to be the one that raises practical objections, and they are not always welcomed by my partner, nevertheless I hold to them as they are realistic.

I do hope time and being separated for a while does change your partner's way of thinking.

Croix

[_-_]

Hello CIL and Croiz,

I'm doing ok, I've adjusted to them not living here but we do have regular contact to speak with the children and plan the week etc. Family and friends have been supportive but we have not openly advertised our situation with others.

I've been trying to spend some time reflecting on myself and how I can improve my communication etc which has been interesting and enlightening. I try not to dwell too much and am at the acceptance phase.

My partner is feeling better in themselves with some space and time but they are still working on themselves to improve how they feel.

The older children have reacted quite negatively and communication with my partner has become harder for them - they tell me they feel angry that there has been no effort to save the family/marriage dynamic and they think it's quite selfish from my partner. They were also very shocked about the whole situation as our home has been quite peaceful up until we told them.

I think they see me as somewhat of a victim which is hard for me - I don't want them to see me that way or pick sides.

I've also tried to explain that it is our adult relationship and feelings that has changed, they have not been abandoned as such (even though my partner has moved out). 

They do know about the depression and have tried to understand, but I think its hard for them to be supportive and understanding whilst they are also coping with such a big change. They don't wish to seek counselling at the moment, as they are still processing and coming to terms with their feelings.

Its also hard for them to see their other parent now making more time to spend with them when they haven't made the effort before. 

The younger children seem to see it as an adventure and have been spending regular time together.

We all spent Christmas day together which was quite awkward at times because of the older children but we tried to find some joy in being together. I didn't want anyone to be alone on Christmas day.

Oddly enough it's not hard for my partner and I to spend time together, we can still chat and joke together and it feels quite relaxed and easy to be around each other.

We spoke last week and they mentioned their feelings for me haven't changed (better or worse).

They don't think I'm a bad person and there are still many good qualities about me, our relationship just isn't what they want.

I asked some deeper questions and we came to the conclusion that we were virtually in autopilot for the past 18 months trying to work/parent and have neglected each other and our relationship - they feel they have fallen out of love (they don't feel anything for our relationship) as we have become disconnected.

They agreed that we have each been stressed/time poor and  haven't made time to spend together and our communication also suffered.

We hadn't put the effort in.

This made sense to me, as I couldn't pinpoint a big event that caused them to feel this way, it was moreso that the relationship wasn't rewarding, nourishing or fun - however I thought it was due to stress and work commitments.

I asked if they would be willing to attempt to get to know each other again - to try to see if there is anything that we can work on to reconnect. They have agreed.

At best we will find out more about each other and may choose to try to salvage our relationship, at worst we might discover we are incompatible and find some closure.

Its hard not to feel hopeful, but I don't think we have anything to lose.

[Croix]

Dear _-_

Well I guess your older kids do have a point and I'm glad you were able to tell them. As you said yourself you love your partner and "I am already carrying out majority of home/family care and coordination " and for whatever reason they wish to be elsewhere. So seeing you as the victim is understandable.

It would be hard fro them to understand there can be legitimate reasons for this, depression being a good example. As I mentioned before I simply wanted to be on my own, and at the same time felt guilty about my family.

Working hard is probably not a situation where they are in as much contact with  the  children as you, so they may see it as a lack of love or interest. I guess the best you can do is point out the changes you mentioning in your first post "showing several physical (sleep issues, weight loss) and emotional signs (withdrawing, irritable, constantly worried, not enjoying social activities) of depression." and feeling numb.

So if htey can hold off judgment and become familiar with the symptoms of depression, which is after all an illness, maybe everyone can feel more comfortable and they will not indulge in blame.

The fact you are still talkng together is a huge plus. I realy hope that continues whatever happens. Willingness to try reconnecting is another very hopeful sign, a   problem is everyday commitments, you have your normal duties and they work, which  are the things that created a gap, trying to be closer means these may have to be rethought.

Also seeking perfection, it's probably not a realistic goal, even if you felt you had it to begin with . Being together and appreciating each other may well be enough.

Depression, at least for me, was not something that was quickly fixed, and had waves, some up some down. You partner is lucky to have such a loving devoted person in yourself.

Croix