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Depressed partner leaving a long term relationship - is it the depression or relationship?
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My long term partner (19+ years with children) has recently been diagnosed with severe depression and thinks it would be best to move out to focus on themselves.
Up until the past few months relationship has been happy, engaging and intimate, although full time work and family has left less time than we would like to spend with each other.
Whilst my partner has been working lots, I can see that they started to withdraw in the past couple of months and showing several physical (sleep issues, weight loss) and emotional signs (withdrawing, irritable, constantly worried, not enjoying social activities) of depression.
They also stated that they no longer feel in love with me.
In the last month they have decided that there is not enough feelings on their side to try to salvage the relationship.
This was quite shocking, as we have always enjoyed each other, never had big arguments or a particular trigger - I thought he was simply stressed from work load and us both being busy.
They mention that they just feel numb and want to work on themselves to find out what makes them happy again. This feeling has applied to our family and social life as well.
I'm assured there is no third party and I believe them.
They don't enjoy being at home as it makes them anxious and they have withdrawn from myself and the children but have made an effort to keep things as normal as possible.
Outwardly they are high functioning and find work to be soothing and rewarding, however they admit to masking in most other social settings.
They have recently been to a GP and been diagnosed with severe depression and some anxiety, and recently started engaging with a psychologist.
We have been openly talking about how they have been feeling for the past few weeks and there has been no animosity but it's still hard to hear as I love them deeply.
They have said that they care for me and want me to be happy, but they also want to find happiness themself. They hope to remain friends and continue to co-parent amicably.
They seem so sure, but it also seems so different and sudden.
I'm committed to supporting them and will manage as best I can.
It's hard for me to know if it's the depression that has impacted their feelings for me, or if it's genuine.
I also know that I would take them back in a heartbeat if given the chance
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While I have nothing constructive to offer, I just want to say that I think you are very brave, caring and resilient.
My thoughts are with you.
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Hello Croix,
The older children have tried to understand the depression, and we have both tried to explain and encouraged them to ask questions.
One of the hardest things they tell me is that one parent has no problem telling them that they don't love the other parent - they don't want to try to work it out, they just want to be on their own.
I think it's also hard to understand how this same parent can be excited when talking about their work and other external topics whilst their childrens world has been impacted so much.
Lots of emotion to process and many changes along with it. All we can do is support each other as best we can and try to keep the lines of communication open.
My partner is willing to work on our connection as parents at my suggestion as we will always be connected through our children - it's not aimed at saving our relationship as they still have no feelings of love (they feel there's no relationship to save).
This reconnection is not something I want to push (not should I) and whilst I will continue to be there for my partner , I think they are moving on towards living independently from myself and our family home.
Accepting that there may be no future relationship together has been hard but appears to be a likely possibility.
We shall wait and see.
I'm in no rush but if they want to move on there is not much I can do.
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Dear _-_
I guess when htere is love thought a whole family it is all encompassing, and there maybe not even a real division as to who loves who, it is all together, a whole.
When one person leaves this fold it is not a neat severance but a ragged ones with tendrils of absence everywhere. Whet I'm trying to say is I would be surprised if your children's' perception was that yur partner loves them less, if at all, too.
I"m not sure I get the right meaning you intend in your words "hard to understand how this same parent can be excited when talking about their work and other external topics ". If by that you mean your ex is talking about their own life then of course the children are having it underlined the separation is complete. If on the other hand your ex is praising the children's work it smacks of falseness. A downer either way.
Many people can put on a brave face for their kids, I'm not sure how good that is. To see your mum is upset (provided they do not think they had something to do wiht it) may draw you closer.
You are doing all the right things, which does not mean everything goes back, but optimizes the chance of amicable co-parenting. I hope you ex's love of the children is strong.
Croix
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